z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


18+ Violence

Williwaw Chapter 30

by Messenger


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.

Carris watched Smokey's mane as it was blown in swirls. The wind had increased a bit, and although it seemed too cold to rain, the wind indicated that perhaps it was right on the cusp of some sort of wintery mix. Carris wrinkled her nose at the thought. That always made everything muddy and wet, but still freezing. It was the worst of both worlds.

She felt bad in some ways for appreciating that Alec was blocking much of the wind as it blew down the slopes, growing colder as it crossed the Gnofen River and pushed its way up the embankment. They were at a part on the road where there were no trees, and just a wooden rail that looked far too flimsy to stop a runaway wagon barricading them from cascading into the river.

"Fear of water?"

Alec's sudden outburst caused Carris to jump out of her stupor. She let out a heartless chuckle. "Is that a joke?"

Alec shrugged his shoulders, his gaze always on the road. His lip seemed to curl slightly though. "I was told that if you don't laugh about your misfortune you will surely cry."

"I'm not going to cry." Carris attempted a subtle slide to her edge of the bench. "Just not all that excited about running water in the dead of winter. Least of all that running water."

"Well, it's hard to see, but if memory serves me right we're less than a half hour from the city. We'll be away from it soon."

"And does your memory serve you well?"

"Apparently not, because I thought I gave you an invigorating assortment of teas and herbs, but I must've slipped in a few sour plums."

Carris couldn't tell if that was another joke, but it didn't seem to have quite the same venom as when Alec had made it plain that he was angry. She decided that it would be better to assume it was in good faith, even if that was against her nature.

"That sounds like a title for my week. Perhaps for your adult life as well."

Alec laughed, a quiet "hmph" at first, but it broke into that loud laugh that would make even dogs wince at the shrill of it. "Aye, that could be an accurate statement. But if you let them ripen for long enough they do become sweet."

Carris tucked a strand of her behind her ear. "Do you feel that way?"

"I'm not sure how I feel. But I know that many times I saw no light at the end of the tunnel, and yet here I am, still breathing cool crisp air, the same air as my daughter."

Carris felt a buzz in her heart and her hair stood up on her arms. Her brain latched onto the "light at the end of a tunnel" and suddenly she was back in the cave with a dragon screaming and burning the place. She felt the heat on her cheek, unsure if that was real, or simply a memory of diving into frigid water to save her life. The growl of the beast rattled through her bones and she shook with chills, even as she felt the heat rise. She saw Eridan controlling the flames, hurling them in the air like a kite.

In the air like a kite. Like a kite in the wind.

She had felt chills. Now Carris' body froze solid. She snapped out of her daydream and her eyes locked on the storm clouds.

"Alec." There was no personal tone now. She spoke in a cold, calculated manner. "That storm. I don't think it's natural."

That brought Alec's gaze to meet hers. "The storm? Must be covering miles though."

Carris held his gaze. "He divided a river. I don't know how to compare water to air, but could it really be a coincidence?"

Alec seemed to sense the seriousness in her tone. "It could be. Best thing to do is get your friend and get out as soon as possible. If you are right, the time for talk is well and done."

He slapped the reins and Smokey responded in time. Carris gripped her side of the buckboard until her knuckles turned white as they bounced along. All of her thoughts were cascading like the storm coming down the mountain. How would they even find Gwyn and the others? Did they even make it? Was she walking into a city that held nothing of value to her? She hadn't wanted to consider that possibility, but she had only arrived at the doorstep of Atheron by some miracle. Had the others achieved the same fortune?

A hand gripped her shoulder. Alec spoke now, louder, and with an experienced tone that Carris had previously not heard from him. He sounded so specific about his every syllable.

"We will find your friends. I promise you. I will keep you from harm."

"You don't even know me. I haven't even been that nice to you!" Carris blurted out as a harsh gust of wind rushed past them.

"Decency. Honesty. Humanity. That is my vow to anyone. You may be troubled little one, but you are no menace. And I have not lived and struggled this long to now lose someone under my care."

"Your care? You're not my liege. My steward. My father. What care?" Carris said it with more annoyance than she meant to.

Alec didn't seem to be phased by the question. "I don't expect you to understand. Not for a while, anyway. Now, let's go find your Gwyn and be gone from this storm." 


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1619 Reviews

Points: 181321
Reviews: 1619

Donate
Sat Oct 28, 2023 8:13 pm
View Likes
IcyFlame wrote a review...



I get easily confused and couldn't find this one in the Green Room so I was part way through reading chapter thirty one before I realised I was due a Carris chapter... anyway I'm here now!

I feel like this was a good continuation of the last Carris chapter, but I'm also not sure I fully understand why you chose to split it where you did. This would work just as well if not perhaps better(?) continuing straight on at the end of the last chapter. For me, a new chapter denotes a change in scene or time or something else but this didn't really do that. It kind of felt like it had been split because we needed another Carris chapter and need to have her journey elongated so it lines up with the rest of the story? For me that made it feel a bit artificial. The content was good, but it just didn't feel separate enough from the last chapter of her's.

"Apparently not, because I thought I gave you an invigorating assortment of teas and herbs, but I must've slipped in a few sour plums."

Alec is fast becoming one of my all time favourite characters - I love this line!

"Alec." There was no personal tone now. She spoke in a cold, calculated manner. "That storm. I don't think it's natural."

That brought Alec's gaze to meet hers. "The storm? Must be covering miles though."

Carris held his gaze. "He divided a river. I don't know how to compare water to air, but could it really be a coincidence?"

Thirty chapters in and I'm still not really sure how much magic has to do with this story. There's hints of it here and there but whenever it comes up it kind of feels out of place. Maybe we could have more hints of the storm not being natural earlier on for Carris? I like the juxtaposition of Devlin's group not noticing it (maybe because he didn't/doesn't believe in magic) but I still feel like it's kind of come from nowhere.

I guess we better get ready for a storm!

Icy




User avatar
158 Reviews

Points: 2295
Reviews: 158

Donate
Sat Sep 30, 2023 9:00 pm
View Likes
GengarTheGhost wrote a review...



Happy RevMo! Gengar here to leave a review! [I have not read the previous chapters; I am just jumping in right here]
Image

General Impression:

I don’t usually read high fantasy, but this seems neat! It really gives off the authentic vibe of other high-fantasy fiction I’ve seen

What I Liked:

Even though I do not know the storyline, I think it is very easy to tell the relationship between the characters. You show this well through their dialogue, thoughts, and Carris’s flashback.

Areas of Improvement:

I feel like some sentences are wordy and may be confusing ([s]Ahh, I sound like grammarly—[/i] such as this one)

She felt bad in some ways for appreciating that Alec was blocking much of the wind as it blew down the slopes, growing colder as it crossed the Gnofen River and pushed its way up the embankment.


Maybe you could break up the longer sentences, or cut out some words like “in some ways”.

I hope my review could be helpful. I wish you a good day/night!
—GengarIsBestBoy




User avatar
561 Reviews

Points: 35388
Reviews: 561

Donate
Sat Sep 09, 2023 7:36 pm
View Likes
Ventomology wrote a review...



Eyoo back at it again.

This is pretty short, and mostly just a continuation of the last Carris chapter I feel like, so I don't have a ton to say.

I guess the thing that has bothered me about both this chapter and the previous one is that I don't feel like we're getting the kind of description/narration needed to really sell that the coming storm is magical. I wasn't even sure it was until you mentioned it in both Devlin and Carris's viewpoints, because from the description it just kind of seemed like any old cloud cover. The characters' own recollections of Eridan's power can only do so much to give credibility to this theory; the sensation of magic, and the physical aspects of this storm that make it suspicious, need to do the heavy lifting of convincing us something is wrong. Then you can draw back to memories of Eridan as like, a nail in the coffin.

The other thing is: were you to fix this in the previous chapter, I'm not sure you would really need this one. I suppose you could split it out? As the storm is forming, maybe Devlin and Co. don't realize it's magic, but since Carris is out in the open and (I think?) closer to it, she can get more of the 'hey that's not natural' vibes, and then because we get the dramatic irony of Devlin Co. not knowing, the tension and short term stakes for Carris go up. Idk... I think there are a number of ways to handle this. Regardless, there isn't a ton going on, and even the development with Alec at the end seems like it could actually just be at the beginning of a 'Now Carris is In Atheron' chapter.

All that said: the balance of action, dialogue, description, and internal thought in this chapter is really superb. I never felt like anything was taking too much or lacking. Great work!

Hope this helps,

-Vento




Messenger says...


But is it magical though?




The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It's about what you're made of, not the circumstances.
— Unknown