z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


18+ Violence

Williwaw Chapter 14

by Messenger


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.

By the time Carris spotted Martius through a lattice of young saplings void of leaves, she was shaking and chattering her teeth. Devlin’s head poked around a large pine across the narrow animal path. They had trailed Martius for just over two minutes after making sure that Malcolm and Gwyn would not leave. Gwyn had tried to keep Carris to stay, but seeing how cold she was she had relented. And now they were going to “acquire” Martius’s thick furry jacket. She gulped. This was not her place. When she had punched the Sadorian earlier that night nothing had happened. He’d laughed!

A new shiver ran down her spine and she grimaced as she clenched her fingers over and over, trying to keep the blood flowing. She was already losing feeling in her extremities, and her face felt like a sheet of ice. Her nose was especially cold, turning pinkish.

He attacked your town, Carris tried to convince herself. Ruined your already miserable life.

A motion across the path caught Carris’s eye and she snapped out of her internal diatribe. Devlin was pointing toward Martius who was now at least twenty yards ahead and headed for a bend where the trees grew thicker. Devlin huffed and nodded. Just because she needed the jacket didn’t mean she needed to like listening to Devlin. Still, the pain in her fingers urged her to move on.

She did her best to remember the tips Devlin had shot at her rapid-fire as they had begun the pursuit. Stay low, avoid dead branches, and never lose sight of your prey. Carris checked her footing, landing each foot in the snow with a slight crunch. She had to admit that she was impressed with how quiet Devlin was. Despite being much taller and heavier than her, and only being half a dozen yards away, she would have never known he was there if she wasn’t working in tandem with him.

Didn’t know soldiers could be quiet.

Carris moved nimbly over fallen logs and piles of dead leaves that had clumped together against bushes, rocks, and stumps. The trees began to grow thicker, and as they did the small brush thinned out. Carris reared her head up as she realized that she hadn’t made sure that Martius was still in her sight. She panicked for a moment, glancing behind her, sure he was going to come running out with a huge ax. Then she heard the heavy thud of something landing hard on the ground. She faced forward and after taking a few steps around a cluster of trees she spotted Martius on the trail, wiping snows from his knees, and the snow beside him was pressed down and smeared to the side.

He grunted and growled, shaking his shoulders. His body was rigid as he kept moving down the path not more than three yards ahead of Carris. She glanced at Devlin, nor sure what she was supposed to do if she were to get within an arm’s reach of the Sadorian. Devlin was pointing up from his crouched position behind a fallen log. Carris followed the imaginary line to a tree that had careened on its side and was now making a natural ramp onto a large oak with broad, sweeping branches.

Carris glared at him.

He jabbed his finger up again. Carris inhaled but said nothing. She placed her hands on the fallen tree, her fingers now empty of feeling, and placed her right foot up on a knot, securing her footing. She gave one last glance back at Devlin, who was nodding as he moved down his side of the path. She huffed. One day she was only going to take orders from who she decided.

She scampered up the log, hugging it tightly to the point she scooted up it more than climbed it. She reached the oak tree and resumed an upright position, realizing that she was now fifteen feet in the air. She nodded to herself, impressed that she had climbed the log with no blunders. She tentatively stepped out onto one of the branches. Despite the fact that it was nearly twice as wide as her frame, she hesitated to step out without holding onto the trunk. She closed her eyes.

You've got this.

She pushed off the trunk, taking a large step onto the branch. She could see the path of sweeping branches that led to a point just twenty yards ahead of where Martius was sulking along. There was no way she could get there before Martius did. She looked down at her fingers, turning purple.

No choice.

She steadied herself for a moment, then began to walk, one foot in front of the other, hands out wide to maintain. She hurried along, picking up speed as she gained confidence. Martius was nearing the overhanging branch, still ahead of her. She came to stop at the end of the first branch, took a breath, then hopped. She landed on the branch with surprising ease. The branch creaked, and a line of snow sprinkled off the sides of the branch. Martius hesitated, ahead and to the right of Carris. She froze, hands still out wide. He looked both ways, never glancing upward. Carris stalked along the branch, nut entirely sure whether it was confidence that pushed her along or the fact that she could no longer feel her face. Either way, she was nearly parallel to him, with twenty feet and one more tree-hop to make. She came to the end of the branch, eyes glancing to Martius, who was hurrying along now, as though sensing that he was not alone. She took one step back, prepping to launch herself to the next branch which lay a foot apart from her current standing. As she began the leap Martius looked her way.

She hesitated, stumbling on the branch. Her left foot flew out from underneath her and she let out an unintentional shriek as she slid off the side of the branch. She reached out, grasping at nothing. For a moment she was falling, then she landed, her fall lessened significantly by a large snow drift. She pushed herself out of it, clambering to find her surroundings. A yell directly in front of her told her all she needed to know, and she bolted to the right from where she had come, this time sloshing through deep snow instead of slippery branches.

She could feel Martius on her heels as she ducked under a low branch. Then there was a yell and a crash of bodies. Carris slowed and turn herself around as quickly as her frozen legs could manage. Devlin was on top of the Sadorian, hand raised in a striking position. He held it there for several seconds, and Carris waited for the swing, but it never happened.

He’s been stabbed! Carris rushed toward Devlin’s motionless figure, hunched over Martius. Then Devlin turned. Carris let out a second shriek, putting ah and to her mouth. Devlin was grinning, no, laughing!

It was a childish laugh, high-pitched and giggly. Carris wrinkled her forehead. Between laughs, Devlin began to talk.

“I tackled him and I think he hit his head on a branch,” Devlin guffawed. “I, uh, didn’t do much of anything.”

Carris rocked to the side, peering past Devlin. She could see a lump the size of a chicken’s egg starting to swell on Martius’ forehead. She put a hand to her mouth.

"It wasn't quite what I had in mind, what with you falling out of the tree and all, but it worked out in the end." He rubbed his eyes. "One of the few things that has gone well today." 

Carris looked at the ground, embarrassed by her lack of coordination on the branch, but Devlin seemed to not pay much mind other than the comment.

Devlin quickly unarmed him, strapping on the swordbelt and wrangling the furry jacket off. He grunted as he rolled Martius over. Carris came to his side, gripping his side and pushing.

“Deadweight is a lot heavier than it looks,” Devlin said as they managed to get Martius on his face.

He wrestled the jacket off and tossed it to Carris. “That’ll keep your torso warm.” He smiled as he realized that Martius had been wearing a second, inner jacket. It wasn’t as thick as the fur jacket, but it was better than nothing. He dragged it off the body and quickly donned it, cutting away Martius’ undershirt, a dark grey flannel piece.

“We can make some sort of hat out of this,” he said, handing it to Carris.

She made the mistake of sniffing it and choked, holding it away form her body. “Gross.”

Devlin was already shaking his head.” Yes, but it’s also very warm, and we don’t have the luxury of being picky.”

Carris looked over the now shirtless Martius. “What do we do with him.”

“Leave him. He’ll be dead before he ever wakes up.”

Carris’s eyes widened. “You mean...just let him die?”

“Is that a problem? I thought you hated everyone?” Devlin said, headed past Carris. “Come on, we need to get back to your friends. It’s not safe to be up here alone.”

Carris took one last look at Martius. Devlin was right. He didn’t deserve pity. And since when did Carris give pity to anyone, least of all a foreign invader?

“We need to get to Atheron before Eridan does. That place is one of the few that he may be safe from being questioned in.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s a Sadorian, just like you.”

Carris felt the heat rise in her cheeks despite the cold. “I’m not a Sadorian.”

Devlin glanced back at her. “Really? The blond hair, grey eyes, stocky but short build isn’t Astorian.”

Carris stared at the ground, twiddling the shirt in her hands. “Why would he be safe there?”

Devlin let out a small chuckle. “Avoiding the topic, eh?”

Carris remained silent, the urge to smack Devlin returning to her fists.

“He’ll be safe because it’s the city of Atheron.”

Carris wracked her brain. Something about that name seemed familiar, besides the fact that Eridan had mentioned it less than a half-hour ago. Devlin went on.

“Not much of an interest in history, I see. Atheron was the first city taken by Astoria at the beginning of the war. It’s what really rallied the Sadorians together. Many of them still live there, more or less as outcasts.”

“Do you think he knows anyone there specifically?” Carris began to put it together. “Do you think he’s going to try to start a revolt?”

Devlin shrugged. “It vould be, but did you notice how he talked about it? There’s something personal about that city for him.”

Carris thought about it. Perhaps that was a tear on Eridan’s face. “Maybe something there he lost?”

“Or someone.”

“And he’s going to retake the city?”

“No, at least I don’t think right away. He said they were making a stop there, resupplying. He may try to pick up some followers, but he seems hellbent on fighting King Ormen.”

Carris licked her lips, feeling the heat resurface. She felt like an idiot asking so many questions. “Isn’t King Ormen in the Royal City? Why would he go to Atheron?”

Devlin laughed. “You really don’t get news up on this mountain, do you? King Ormen is in Sadorian country with his army. They’ve nearly taken Sadoria as a whole. Come spring the war will be over. Eridan is going straight for the jugular vein. If he were to kill King Ormen, then the army would be forced to stop.”

“Do you think he can be stopped?”

Devlin grimaced. “We’ll find out when we meet him face-to-face.” 


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1589 Reviews

Points: 173529
Reviews: 1589

Donate
Sun Oct 15, 2023 9:16 pm
View Likes
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Keeping it short as promised so I can focus more on the following chapters!

There’s definitely important parts in here, but I totally agree with cutting this as a chapter. It isn’t the strongest in terms of plot or characterisation and the whole build up with them elaborately sneaking up on Martius just for it to end as it did wasn’t the best pacing and felt pretty anticlimactic.

You’ve got a couple of good lines in this chapter though, so I’d suggest having a read before deleting all of it and seeing what can be repurposed. Devlin explaining things to Carris was actually pretty helpful for clarifying some of the plot and I actually liked having the more genuine interaction too.

When I read on I’ll try and keep the useful parts in my brain but forget some of the other bits!

See you for chapter fifteen!

Icy




User avatar
227 Reviews

Points: 32606
Reviews: 227

Donate
Sat Sep 30, 2023 10:07 pm
View Likes
NadyaStatham wrote a review...



Salutations, curious mind!



Rinisha is back here and ready to review 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause this is going to be a bumpy ride. I’m going to keep it short alright!✨

All in all

This party rocked, let's take a quick look!

I knew Carris would not be staying behind! That is my girl. I am so glad she went, so we can see a simple Sadorian girl who washed clothes for a living turn into a soldier with the most amazing teacher in the whole world.

I bet Carris hates Devlin so much right now, calling her a Sadorian even though she is, but not wanting to admit it. Would make a nice film! Question though, you mentioned earlier that Devlin was also Sadorian. What about that or is he Astorian?

For a second I thought Carris was going to confront Devlin about whether he was checking her out. It would have been so funny. Think about it.

Why?”

“Because he’s a Sadorian, just like you.”

Carris felt the heat rise in her cheeks despite the cold. “I’m not a Sadorian.”

Devlin glanced back at her. “Really? The blond hair, grey eyes, stocky but short build isn’t Astorian.”

Carris stared at the ground, twiddling the shirt in her hands. “Why would he be safe there?”

Devlin let out a small chuckle. “Avoiding the topic, eh?”

Carris remained silent, the urge to smack Devlin returning to her fists.

“He’ll be safe because it’s the city of Atheron.”



Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Rinisha
– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉

Image




Messenger says...


Hey thanks for cracking on! So, a little history - Astor and Sador were brothers who founded what is now called Velvurland. It's comprised of Sadoria and Astoria, named after each brother. Devlin is an Astorian citizen but originally from a different country across the sea



NadyaStatham says...


This was an interesting piece of information that certainly cleared up a lot of things up. please dont mind me leaving you a lot of reviews, I just want to catch up on this amazing novel. It is just like a movie!



User avatar
278 Reviews

Points: 18564
Reviews: 278

Donate
Sun May 30, 2021 6:34 am
View Likes
LittleLee wrote a review...



Greetings!

I'm jumping right in.

This chapter was a little anticlimactic; while Martius' little accident was quite humourous, the way it ended made me wonder why Carris and Devlin snuck up on him so elaborately. Besides, Devlin already proved that he is a competent fighter; why didn't they just attack him straight away? Carris could have whacked with a stick or something to keep him distracted while Devlin easily finished him off. What I'm saying is that this whole sequence was very unnecessary.

One more thing; in the last chapter, the Sadorians said they killed the dragon. So why didn't Devlin just go back and loot the corpses??? There are four people in their group, and Martius' clothing alone won't be enough for all of them. It makes so much more sense for them to go back and salvage what they can; they'll all have weapons, warm clothes, and whatever gear the Sadorians were carrying. So again, that makes the entire sneak attack thing pointless.
If Devlin had at least actually fought him and killed him the pay-off would have been there, but he knocks himself out. Like I said: humourous, but it makes me wonder why there was such a long build up.

Carris slowed and turn herself around as quickly as her frozen legs could manage.

She was running. Her legs can't be frozen.

"It wasn't quite what I had in mind, what with you falling out of the tree and all, but it worked out in the end."

I still don't understand what on earth Carris was trying to do by climbing on a tree and walking on branches. It's bound to be extremely slippery and dangerous. Even if their plan - if they had one - had worked properly, what was her part? Did she intend to jump on him?

“Because he’s a Sadorian, just like you.”

Carris felt the heat rise in her cheeks despite the cold. “I’m not a Sadorian.”

Devlin glanced back at her. “Really? The blond hair, grey eyes, stocky but short build isn’t Astorian.”

Like BluesClues said, show and don't tell. You replied to her comment by saying her heritage is obvious; so why would did you spell it out? I guessed she had Sadorian blood in one of the first few chapters. A chapter written in Devlin's POV could have had him think about her being Sadorian.



The last thing about this chapter is the reveal of the major conflict. So, King Ormen is Eridan's target. In which case, why hasn't Devlin thought once about warning the king? He keeps talking about stopping Eridan, but the most sensible way to do that would be by making him known as a threat to the throne.

Devlin laughed. “You really don’t get news up on this mountain, do you? King Ormen is in Sadorian country with his army. They’ve nearly taken Sadoria as a whole. Come spring the war will be over. Eridan is going straight for the jugular vein. If he were to kill King Ormen, then the army would be forced to stop.”

Dude. I get that news may be slow to reach the mountains, but this is something major. Countries aren't taken over in a few days. This is a huge event, and even the people of the mountains should logically know about it.
This was very visibly a chance to drop exposition, and it didn't feel natural at all, because the logic behind it isn't sound.

“Do you think he can be stopped?”

Devlin grimaced. “We’ll find out when we meet him face-to-face.”

Why?! Why does he have a deathwish? Why has it still not occurred to him that he's a soldier, and should be reporting back to his superiors instead of trying to be a hero and single-handedly stop Eridan?


Hummm, well, this review was a lot more critical than my previous ones. But I stand by what I said. I honestly think this whole chapter can be removed - with the most important bits being thrown into other chapters - and it wouldn't make any difference to the story itself. This is too much of a filler/exposition sequence to be of much interest.
You pointed out yourself that you could clump this chapter with the next one; I suggest you do that.

~ Lee




User avatar
938 Reviews

Points: 3380
Reviews: 938

Donate
Sun Dec 30, 2018 6:07 am
View Likes
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Messenger!

Shady here with a review for you on this fine Review Day, courtesy of the Red Team! I have unfortunately not read the previous chapters of this, so I apologize in advance if I miss something that I otherwise wouldn't have missed if I'd read the previous chapters. My style tends to be to comment as I'm reading, on both the positive and negative things that I notice, and then give a general summary at the end. Let's get started...

This was not her place. When she had punched the Sadorian earlier that night nothing had happened. He’d laughed!


Awww, that's actually really adorable. <3

She steadied herself for a moment, then began to walk, one foot in front of the other, hands out wide to maintain.


So, it's late here, so I might be reading this wrong. But do you maybe mean that her hands were out wide to maintain her balance? It feels like there's something missing from the thought.

It was a childish laugh, high-pitched and giggly.


Hahaha, I love Devlin already. xD

~ ~ ~

Okay! So, since I'm jumping in so late, I can't say a ton for the plot as a whole. But from an outsider's perspective, this chapter seemed to move the plot along nicely. It was an engaging chapter with all the suspense of whether or not Carris was going to be able to help in the attack and then with her slipping from the branch.

It was an all in all excellent chapter. Plenty of suspense, snark, and having to work together with someone it appears that she doesn't like very well for the common good.

I'm going to stop rambling now since I don't really have anything else productive to say -- but I'll leave it at, I really liked this chapter, and I really liked your characters. This is the most adorable ambush I've ever read. xD

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




User avatar
1740 Reviews

Points: 92055
Reviews: 1740

Donate
Sun Nov 11, 2018 1:56 pm
View Likes
BluesClues wrote a review...



Devlin was pointing toward Martius who was now at least twenty yards ahead and headed for a bend where the trees grew thicker. Devlin huffed and nodded.


I feel like that second Devlin is supposed to be Carris.

Didn’t know soldiers could be quiet.


Man, I really want to know what Carris' hang-up about soldiers is.

It's slightly odd that they keep referring to this Sadorian as Martius. I realize several of the Sadorians are named prior to this point, but I don't really expect Our Heroes to remember most of their names - maybe Eridan and Jacoby, but the rest of them not so much. It's a minor point but it sort of takes me out of the story.

“Leave him. He’ll be dead before he ever wakes up.”

Carris’s eyes widened. “You mean...just let him die?”

“Is that a problem? I thought you hated everyone?”


Okay, sure, she does, but it's awfully cold to just leave a man to freeze to death in the snow. did I just make a pun about a dude freezing to death? yes yes I did

Carris felt the heat rise in her cheeks despite the cold. “I’m not a Sadorian.”

Devlin glanced back at her. “Really? The blond hair, grey eyes, stocky but short build isn’t Astorian.”
[/quote]

Um, wow? #rude , Devlin. Like, for one thing, do humans in this world really have homogenous physical traits based on what country they come from? I know that's regularly a Thing in fantasy novels but it still throws me off. Also, if this is supposed to hint that Carris really is Sadorian (missing father, anyone?) and simply doesn't know it, then two points:

1) This should probably be hinted at earlier, particularly from Devlin's viewpoint, because if he thinks she's Sadorian - despite the fact that she's living in an Astorian village - then, given the enmity between the Sadorians and the Astorians I'd expect him to either wonder what the heck a Sadorian girl is doing living in an Astorian village and running from Sadorian soldiers and/or whether or not he can trust her. Although on that note, is it really that unusual for a Sadorian to be living in Astorian territory? Why hasn't anyone ever given Carris the idea that she looks Sadorian? Or at least it doesn't seem like she's got that idea, since she was immediately like "um what, no."

2) It's reeeeeeeally clunky. It seems super obvious right now that this is going to turn out to be true. If it's not, it's an odd red herring and a weird detail to bring attention to. If it is, it's too obvious. I think part of the problem is that Devlin's just pointing this out to the readers rather than describing both Sadorians and Astorians and letting us work it out for ourselves and then eventually dropping it in. I'm not saying it has to be done that way, but doing it this way is just really clunky.

I also think the pacing here drags. Like on the one hand you've got some action happening, but on the other hand it's not super plot-important action. (I mean I know they need the coat so they don't die of hypothermia, but still. We don't need to spend so much time on that.) There's a lot of set-up for a scene that doesn't really go anywhere - until the end, when we get some insight into what Eridan might be up to.

But I totally get it! You're doing LMS. This is the one major disadvantage to LMS, that you end up with lots and lots of pointless scenes and slow pacing, because it helps you stay in the contest. It just means there'll be a lot to cut later.




Messenger says...


okay, so I thought some things would be more clear without having to spell them out AKA missing father/hate of soldiers. The whole Carris-looks-Sadorians isn't supposed to be a hint really. Like, obviously she's Sadorian. And since this is a land that basically only has two groups, I don't think it's too perfect for her physical traits to give away who she is? I mean, do you think that makes sense? If not I'll look into it.

And yeah, I definitely felt the drag on this chapter, and I think the next one may ease some of your comments, oooor you'll just advise putting the two together. Idk, I guess we'll see




I tell the neophyte: Write a million words–the absolute best you can write, then throw it all away and bravely turn your back on what you have written. At that point, you’re ready to begin.
— David Eddings