z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Williwaw Chapter 34

by Messenger


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Keeper was turning the lock in a massive bronze lock on the front of his shop, his coat collar flipping in the wind. He had his face buried in his chin, squinting in the flurrying snow and dust that hit the door and swept upward as a wave hitting a rock.

Carris and Miles approached him, Gwyn tagging along at Carris's hip. Alec had taken the cart up the road and off to the right behind a row of buildings, content to feed Smoky and lie down for a nap. He had muttered something about finding some herbs and making tea, and Carris had just halfway registered it with a nod.

Miles now approached Keeper, putting a hand up to Carris. She and Gwyn hung back a few feet. Miles muttered something to Keeper, too quiet to be heard in the wind with his back to the girls. There was an exchange of words, and from the sharp whispers that pierced the wind, it didn't seem to be a particularly successful discourse.

After a minute, Miles shook Keeper's hand and turned back to the girls, tightening his cap.

"He says there is a small library on Fincher Street, but if we want what we're looking for, we'd have better luck getting into the Royal Bedchamber than into the Red Keep."

Carris pursed her lips. "Keep? You mean that big tower on the hill?"

Miles nodded, walking past them toward the main road that split with the left leading towards a series of inns, and the right leading towards stables and common-houses. Carris hurried to keep up with him. "Well?"

"Well, what?" Miles said.

"How are we going to get in?" Carris asked, hiking up her skirt. It turned out that as much gusto as she had, her body was still healing from her run down the river, and her legs were quickly tiring from the uphill walk.

Miles laughed, his head tilting back. "I don't think we are. That place is the heart of this military occupation. They certainly aren't going to let civilians in."

"Aren't you part of the Royal circle?"

"Yes. You and Gwyn are not." Miles said. "And besides, I'm undercover. Sneaking in there could give away my allegiances to anyone watching. Now, I'll take you to your ward, and you can leave when this storm passes. As you said, you'll never have to see me again."

"Where will we go?" Gwyn muttered, looking up at Carris with wide eyes. It was the first time since the attack at home that the reality of what new life would be like without any parents or home was setting in. And Carris didn't have the faintest plan on where to go from here.

Carris took a deep breath. No good answer, is there?

"I'm working on it."

Miles raised an eyebrow and Carris wrinkled her nose at the look and said: "As long as we can leave here safely we'll be out of this whole situation. Anything is better than being stuck here. I suppose we could go back with Alec, as he offered me."

"Okay," Gwyn said, holding onto Carris's hand. "I don't like it here."

Carris squeezed her hand. "Me neither. Rather sick of the cold and wind."

Miles clapped his hands together. Well then, let me get you to the stables, and then I will be on my way to the keep. I will say this though: if this storm lasts the night, and the gates stay shut, there is a room available in the inn. I'm sure Gwyn wouldn't mind sharing it with you. I'll be performing this evening if you'd like some respite from the constant looming threat discussions."

"Performing?"

"Yes!" Gwyn interjected. "He sings. He's got a good voice, Carris."

Carris raised her eyebrows. "Ah. Well, I'm not sure that I'm into that sort of thing, but I suppose if Gwyn would like to listen in I can accompany her. I don't have any desire to sleep in the stables."

Miles gave a quick bow, without ever stopping fully. "You grace me with your presence. Gwyn can lead you and Alec to the inn this evening. Be there by sundown." He flipped a few coins to Carris who snatched them out of the air. "Treat yourself. You girls have been through quite an ordeal. It's time you got to enjoy some good food and live entertainment. I'm sure you don't get much at Potter's Creek."

Carris shrugged. She wasn't sure exactly what response he wanted, and she wasn't thrilled at the thought of staying the whole night. Gwyn seemed enthusiastic about it though, and she supposed it was better to keep her preoccupied. "Hot food from a real cook does sound nice," she admitted.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A five-minute walk led them to the stable where Alec had paid for a stall for the night. Smoky was munching out of a bag of oats and snorted when the trio entered the stable. It was a small affair. Four stalls on either side, three occupied with horses, one full of crates and feedbags, and one where Alec had made himself a pile of hay for a pillow and was fast asleep, snoring as if his life depended on it. Carris held back a slight laugh, realizing she hadn't been amused by much of anything recently.

Miles whispered to them as he lit a lantern hanging on a support pole between Smoky and Alec's neighboring stall. "Sit tight. Remember, sundown at the inn. If you need anything before then, wait for me there. I would advise staying out of sight."

He gave a quick smile and spun on his heel, exiting through double-wide doors in three long strides. He shut the doors with a thud. The stable went silent except for the crunching of Smoky and the subtle pop of the lantern's flame. The wind hummed outside like an afterthought. Carris sank onto the walkway, her back against the rough pole beneath the lantern. Gwyn plopped down beside her, crossing her legs.

"Are you okay, Carris? What happened to you? They thought you were..."Her voice trailed off. In the face of all the deaths she had witnessed in the last week, it was clear that even the thought of Carris dying was something she did not want to consider. She cleared her throat, even as her cheeks flushed a light pink. "I believed in you. I was the only one." She paused. "Well, I guess Miles did as well. Said he would write a song about us."

Carris's eyes went up at that. "A song? What for? He doesn't even know us."

Gwyn recoiled a little at the dismissive, almost angry tone. "I don't know. Something about us being strong, maybe? It's not a bad thing. You don't like him, do you?"

Carris closed her eyes. She scooped up a piece of straw from the stone floor and twiddled with it in her hands as her arms rested over her knees. "Gwyn, why would I?"

"Because he's been nice! He was the only one that talked to me. He helped me get clothes. He wants to help us."

"Or he's just being nice because he's not a total miscreant. Doesn't mean he's your friend, just because he showed some basic decency." Carris said.

"It's more than you show sometimes."

Carris actually laughed at that. "Gwyn, did you just say something mean? To me, no less? What has come over you."

Gwyn sheepishly looked at the ground, finding her own straw to fidget with. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be mean. I ju-"

"It is okay, Gwyn." Carris interrupted. "It's not untrue either sometimes. Just surprised to see you being so forthright." there was silence for a moment. Another impressive mood-killing performance.

"Would you like to hear what happened to me?"

Gwyn's head snapped up. "Yes! They all thought you wouldn't make it. You should have been here before us. What happened?"

Carris crossed her legs and shifted to face Gwyn. "I was ahead of you. I was so hungry too, but that's not important. I found them, you know? I tried to cross the river and Eridan just, well I don't know how to say it."

Gwyn's eyes were wide, hanging onto every word.

"He parted the river. Split it in two. Gwyn, I was on solid ground in the middle of the Gnofen River!"

Gwyn's mouth hung gaping wide.

Carris couldn't help the slight smile that escaped and planted itself across her cheeks. "And that isn't the only thing. He tossed me with that sword of his, up into the air. Must've been thirty feet in the air."

"No!"

"Yes!" Carris realized that while it was terrifying in the moment, there was a certain fantasy and wonder about whatever power Eridan had wrapped into that blade. To be able to soar through the air like that, to watch a river crack in two like a broken walnut, was something truly awesome to behold.

"And you survived?" Gwyn was fully invested, the slight cloud of frustration in the earlier conversation already miles behind.

Carris continued on, explaining how Alec had found her, leaving out his troubling family history, and the argument with Laura. There was no sense in weighing Gwyn down with irrelevant information. I'm not even sure how I feel about it.

By the time the story had wrapped up, Gwyn had wrapped her arm around Carris's as they sat side by side. She sighed a deep sigh. Carris was unsure if it was relief, exhaustion, or worry. She supposed it could be all three in one. After all, what in the world was going on? Even retelling the last few days seemed absurd. And what was frightening was that the future was even less certain. Gwyn seemed to cross paths with Carris's thoughts.

"What now?"

Carris shrugged. "We go to the inn. I hear you're quite the supporter of fine music."

Gwyn shook her head, wiping a loose strand of hair from her cheek. "I mean after that? Where are we gonna go? If you don't like Miles I'm sure you don't like Alec, so we won't be staying there.

"Who said I don't like Alec?"

"You don't like much of anybody. Especially men. Malcolm, Miles, Devlin, and so of course, Alec."

Carris stumbled over her words. "Wha-we- listen." She laughed incredulously at the accusation. "I don't like people who are mean or who want to take advantage of us. I never said I don't like Alec. He did take me in and give me food and shelter. So, that's a better start than the rest of them."

"Miles did the same for me."

"So, maybe he's not a bad guy. Doesn't mean I have to like him, does it?"

Gwyn bit her lip and thought about it for a moment. "I guess not. But you did say you like hot food, and he gave us money for that. I think that means we owe him common courtesy." She held up her hands in protest. "At least, until he turns out to secretly be a villain working for the wrong side."

Carris laughed. "I can agree to that proposal. Not sure which side is right or wrong here, though. I'd prefer to be off to a different side. Let these men fight their wars. You and I are not soldiers."

"No, but if the Black Bull travels across the country he will do the same thing to other small villages and towns, just like he did to ours. That's doesn't seem right, does it?"

Carris said nothing. In truth, she hadn't considered it much. She wasn't going to be the one to stop him anyway, and she had made the effort to warn Atheron that he was coming. Wasn't that enough?

"What would you have us do?" She looked back at Gwyn, who had curled up, eyes closed.

In a soft voice, Gwyn replied, "Whatever I can so that no one else loses what we lost"

"It's not our responsibility to save these people, Gwyn."

"Then it wasn't Alec's to save you either, or Devlin to help us escape" Gwyn said.

"So, you think we should help them stop Eridan? You don't want to leave?"

"No, I do want to leave. But I don't know where we will go if we don't stop him. At least here we have friends. You always wanted to go to the Royal City. He will come there. Alec wants to go back to his village. Eridan destroyed our small village. Where will we run?"

Carris shut her eyes and wrapped her arm around Gwyn. "I don't know, Gwyn, I don't know."


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
12 Reviews

Points: 2232
Reviews: 12

Donate
Thu Mar 07, 2024 12:45 am
View Likes
Mint wrote a review...



Hi! As always with any review take what you want and leave the rest! I’ll be going in chronological order with my review.

To start off with, your opening line could evoke a very interesting visual and piece of action, but the way it says lock twice in one sentence makes it sound stilted.
A possible fix might be “Keeper, his coat collar flipping in the wind, turned the massive brass lock at the front of his shop.” Personally I would even work the sentence a little more because I don’t like that slant rhyme of lock and shop.

I really enjoyed the next section of dialogue. I think you do a really good job of keeping things moving while characters are talking. They have something interesting to say without the dialogue but being “she said” “he said” etc.
I want to say more things to show in visual space how much I enjoyed that large chunk but unfortunately it’s easier to write critiques than compliments! And that’s another thing I’m working on for myself.

"Miles clapped his hands together. Well then,"
Missing a quotation mark here.

All the writing from the last quote until "By the time the story had wrapped up, Gwyn had wrapped her arm around Carris's as they sat side by side. "
I loved and was totally enthralled as if it were just a book I chose to read. You're doing a lot of good stuff here and I'm really really enjoying a lot of your writing. Since this is a review I don't feel too bad about being over picky. This sentence is where it took me out of it a bit. It feels like the story isn't confident in itself to keep you entertained with such an abrupt ending to the story. Of course I'm picking up on the 34th chapter so I imagine she has told this tory before. I really enjoyed this interactions with the characters though and hearing her talk about something that happened previously, and getting to hear from her own words that her thoughts on the event have changed. If I were editing my own story I would put a bit more work into this sentence but the paragraph as a whole still read well.

As always theres a lot to love here. "At least, until he turns out to secretly be a villain working for the wrong side." This line also takes me out of it a bit. I know it's supposed to be a bit cheeky and self-referential to the fact that it's a fantasy story, but it doesn't seem like something someone would really say in this moment. even "at least until he betrays us" would read better in my opinion.
I just see now that she responds to that line specifically, so it would take a bit more reworking than just the one line, but in my opinion I think it would be worth thinking about.


Alright my final thoughts:

I really really enjoyed this chapter. There were long stretches where I forgot to keep tabs on comments because I was absorbed into the story. I really feel horrible writing long picky reviews even though I know getting this information is valuable, but this kind of story is my favorite to comment on because there is so much well done I can look at the minutia and offer suggestions beyond making a point clearer. Your point is already clear, your characters already have lives behind them, now you're polishing up a lovely stone.

As always take what's helpful and leave the rest! Keep writing!




Messenger says...


Haha believe me you're not being picky at all! If you like it so much feel free to go back to the beginning or check anything in my Local Tales of the World folder :)



User avatar
561 Reviews

Points: 35388
Reviews: 561

Donate
Sat Dec 16, 2023 7:23 pm
View Likes
Ventomology wrote a review...



Sick cover, by the way. I don't think I ever really took a look at it.

It's nice to see some Classic Carris again. And Gwyn! Standing up for herself! I love how both girls have grown and are still able to be friends and get along. And even to recognize and support growth in each other. Three cheers for besties!

Also Gwyn's line about Miles turning out to be on the wrong side immediately made me picture that dodgeball of prophecy meme lol.

Moving on:

I wasn't thinking too hard about it last chapter, but seeing Carris, and having her goals and reservations so clearly laid out in her conversation with Gwyn, reminded me that I still don't really know anything about Devlin's motivations. I think this is something I've said before, and honestly I don't remember how many chapters ago it was, but at this point I'm starting to wonder: what is the reason you want to keep Devlin's motivations so secret?

If you intend for him to really be a protagonist that we root for, I think those motivations need to come out, and they need to come out soon. It is really difficult to root for him when he, at this point, seems to be falling into a position where he's trying to beat Eridan... what, for revenge? To win? And maybe his motivations are purely unselfish! If he wants to beat Eridan because the Black Bull's rampant disregard for life is, you know, bad, you still need to lay that out. And you have to lay it out repeatedly, or it will get lost. It's been like fifteen chapters since the rescue of Potter's Creek, where he did seem to be acting in the interest of preserving lives. But I just don't see that as much anymore. He's very focused now on the strategy and intrigue.

On the other hand, if your goal is to set him sort of counter to Carris and Gwyn--then I guess what's happening is good? I get this feeling that Devlin, and maybe Miles along with him, based on things in this chapter, are a kind of third party to the war at large, and I see them falling into the trap of war generally, where the only solution is being craftier and creating more death than your opponent. This novel has always felt like a story about the horror of war, and it would be really interesting to see how Devlin fails because of his mindset, where maybe Carris will succeed because her main goal is just survival and maybe saving other little towns.

Then again! I don't know exactly what your goal is haha. That's just the impression that I'm getting at this point, so if I'm guessing right then you know you're writing it right?

Hope this helps,
-Vento





Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream.
— Mark Twain