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18+ Violence

Williwaw Chapter 3

by Messenger


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.

Carris wrang out the freezing water from the shirt and stuffed it into her overflowing laundry basket on the bank of the creek. She wiped her brow, finding herself sweating despite the below-freezing temperatures and the lazy snowflakes in the air. She squinted as she peeked over the treeline just past the creek, where the last rays of sun struggled to poke through the barren branches to give what little warmth they could. Carris nodded. Just in time. She rose from her kneeling position, hauling the basket up with both arms and letting it rest against her chest as she left the creek behind and began the short walk down the path from Potter's Creek to the cabin.

The snow crunched underneath Carris's feet as she stomped down the path, laboring under the weight of the laundry basket. Should've let Gwyn help me.

The path zigzagged through a sprinkling of young saplings, coated in a fresh blanket of snow where the weight was not too much for the branches to bear. They looked to be struggling just as much as Carris. She could see the light of the cabin up and around the bend to the right. There was someone standing in the path though. Carris peered into the creeping darkness. Make that three. She sighed. Malcolm Collums. 

The teen sauntered up to her accompanied by his two goons and crossed his arms. His face was mostly covered by a wool scarf which wrapped around his head and across his mouth, but Carris could see his dark, slitted eyes in the faint sunlight. Snake eyes.

"Well, well, well, look who it is boys?" he spread out his arms in Carris's direction. "The slave, coming back from her 'job'. Trying to make it up to my dad for that red dye incident no doubt," he said, smirking to reveal two crooked rows of teeth.

Shut your gob. "And if I am?" Carris took a deep breath.

Malcolm grinned now. "My proverbial hat's off to you," he said, tipping his imaginary hat. "It would be a shame, however," and he struck with lightning speed, shoving the basket with two hands which caused Carris to stumble back on the snow before landing on her butt, "if you were to mess up again."

Carris gritted her teeth. The ground was rock solid from months of freezing temperatures, and pain shot up her hip into her back. I'm going to kill him someday. Malcolm reached for the basket and pulled out the shirt that Carris had worked so hard to clean.

"Stop it!" Carris snarled, getting up to her feet, even as a twinge of pain shot up her spine.

Malcolm motioned his head toward Carris and his goons stepped in front, blocking Carris from him. He laughed.

"Let's see here," he said, digging in his heavy jacket's pocket until he produced a clay vial.

"What are you doing?" Carris exclaimed, her voice cracking despite her effort to sound in control of her emotions.

"Why don't you watch and find out?" Malcolm said.

He uncorked it with his teeth, spitting the cork into the snow. He winked at Carris. "I'd love to see my dad's face when he finds you did not clean his shirt. But I've got more important things to do."

And with that, he flicked the vial and a dark liquid splashed out onto the shirt. It trailed down and began to drip into the snow.

"That's it!" Carris screamed, color flushing her cheeks.

She lashed out at the goon on the left, catching him square in the jaw. He recoiled into the snow, whimpering. The second goon grabbed Carris by the hair and yanked her to the side. Tears sprung to her eyes immediately, but she ignored them and reached up, digging her nails into his hand so hard that she felt his warm blood trickle down her fingers. He screeched and stumbled back, giving Carris time to rush Malcolm who had turned to leave. He glanced back as she dove at him. He sidestepped her, as calm as ever, and she landed on her stomach with a mouthful of snow.

Malcolm laughed. It was a raspy, throaty laugh. Sounds like a dying rat.

"Tsk tsk tsk, I thought you were above lashing out in anger," he taunted, stepping over Carris, avoiding her desperate attempt to grab his boot. "Til we meet again."

And with that he was off, snapping his fingers to call home his goons who followed him down the path, giving Carris one last boot to the back as the went by.

Carris didn't stop the tears that dripped off her nose. She screamed, a hoarse scream, that echoed on the night. She could have sworn she heard Malcolm laugh, somewhere down the path. I'm going to leave this place as soon as I can, I swear. It wasn't the first time she had sworn that. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

With the laundry basket slumped against the hearth of the big brick fireplace in the main room of the cabin, Carris tossed the dyed shirt on the clothesline running from one end of the room to the other. It was knotted around two sturdy hooks on either wall, which she had installed when she began her small laundry business.

 She looked out the small part of the window not covered by the thick wool blanket put there to keep out the freezing winds that swept down the Agressi mountains during wintertime. Snow swirled in the air. Wind's picking up. She pulled her wool coat tight against her small frame. Let's make this quick

She retrieved the wooden bucket by the door and left the cabin, making sure to secure the latch before stomping through the snow. She was back in minutes with a bucket of frigid water. She tossed the shirt in the bucket with more than enough velocity, and it sloshed the water over the sides onto the wooden floor. Carris growled as she ran a hand through her beige hair. 

"I can't believe he did that to my shirt!" she said as she yanked her scarf and jacket off and hurled them onto the small table in the kitchen cove. The jacket caught the edge of the lone candle in the center of the table, and it teetered on its side for a moment before cascading down. The edge of it broke off with a soft thunk

Carris held her face in her hands. "Great," she mumbled. 

Relax. It's over.

She stood in front of the fire, soaking in its warmth. Her stomach rumbled. "Now I have to make dinner." 

Carris wrinkled her nose. She hated cooking. I suppose I could wait for mother to bring something back from the inn. Carris scoffed at her own thought. "More likely to bring home a man than food."

A knock at the door brought Carris out of her stupor. She hesitated. Who comes by at this time of night? She glided to the door, ears alert for any noise outside. I swear if this is one of Malcolm's pranks... She swung the door open wide. A cold blast of wind struck her in the face, but her blue eyes lit up and a wide smile broke through her hostile demeanor. 

"Gwyn!" 

The brunette grinned, sticking out what appeared to be a lunch basket with one hand while keeping her wool cap down with the other. "I thought you might like some comp-" She froze, eyes transfixed on Carris's hand which was holding the door open. 

"Gwyn?" Carris said, confused as she slowly followed the younger girl's gaze. Blood. Oops. 

Carris held up both hands as Gwyn inhaled for what could only be an over-the-top reaction. Too late.

"Oh, my goodness gracious! Are you okay? What happened Carris? Who did you attack? Was it Malcolm?" Her eyes were wider than the ocean.

"Easy, easy," Carris said, pulling Gwyn through the doorway gently. Then as she closed the door she continued. "I'm okay. It was Malcolm. He uh..." she motioned to the bucket and could feel the heat rush to her cheeks. She realized that she had clenched her fists. 

Gwyn stared at her with a blank expression. 

"It's Mr. Collums shirt. You know, the one I accidentally stained the other day?" 

Gwyn nodded, starting to get the picture. "Did Malcolm ruin it?"

Carris shrugged her shoulders as she walked over to the bucket. "I don't know," she said, lifting the shirt partway out of the now dark red water with one finger. She clenched her teeth. "I hope not. He threw dye on it. I'm going to let it soak overnight and then wash it again tomorrow. Barring the snow holds off."

Carris shuddered. It was hard enough to get through a winter as it was, but doing laundry in frigid temperature in a frozen creek made it that much worse. And to do laundry twice in two days, let alone two weeks, was not something she looked forward too. 

Gwyn seemed to read her thoughts. "Two days of washing in a row? You could get sick being out in the cold so much."

Carris shrugged again. "I don't have much choice, do I? I've got to keep the Collums as customers. They're more than half my income. If I lose them, I could be stuck here forever." 

Gwyn frowned. "Well, let's hope it comes out in the morning. Now, let's eat. There's nothing we can do about the shirt tonight. And you owe me a story on that," She said, worry lines drawn on her face, as she pointed to the blood on Carris's hand. 

Carris nodded, dropping the shirt back in the bucket. "What did you bring?" 

"Ham sandwiches," Gwyn said nonchalantly.

Now Carris grinned and laughed. My favorite. "Gwyn, you're the best."

Gwyn smirked. "I know." 


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Sat Sep 30, 2023 8:29 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi hello hi I'm back again for chapter three!

I'm a sucker for a dual pov story so the fact we've got Carris introduced has me excited. It's also a really good point to have a break from the action packed adventures of Devlin, and a good pause in the tension.

"Well, well, well, look who it is boys?" he spread out his arms in Carris's direction. "The slave, coming back from her 'job'. Trying to make it up to my dad for that red dye incident no doubt," he said, smirking to reveal two crooked rows of teeth.

Oof ok we've got our first real antagonist. Malcolm seems horrible, whilst still being realistic enough that he's not just a caricature type of villain. Her reactions to him are totally justified, and I'm so glad for the relief of Gwyn in the subsequent section.

I'm not sure if I expected them to refer to Malcolm by name. Would it more likely be Master Collums? It sounds like she's used to having to deal with Malcolm, so it says a lot about her character that Malcolm is still able to get a rise out of her.

Now Carris grinned and laughed. My favorite. "Gwyn, you're the best."

Gwyn smirked. "I know."

Ok, I love her!

Logic dictates we're going to have another Carris chapter next and the pattern will be two for each character, but it's also possible the flow isn't established yet, so I'm looking forward to seeing who I get to read next!

See you for chapter four!

Hope some of this was helpful, even though you've got a few reviews already!

Icy




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Wed Sep 20, 2023 9:45 pm
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NadyaStatham wrote a review...



Salutations, Messenger!



Rinisha here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨

I’m back again reviewing another amazing chapter of Williwaw. (*Still patiently waiting for the explanation of that name.) Oehhh…we meet our second protagonist. I love the second point of view, that way we can read the story from two sides.

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
I know that Malcolm is a jerk rich prat, LOL, don’t mind me. I’m just having fun here.I mean, he fights a girl, shame on him. He has no respect. You did a great job making him as a jerk character that way readers have some kind of dislike for him, his dialogues also match his personality.

I know that Carris is caring and hardworking but also determined to let anyone ruin her fun. Your descriptions of her working in the freezing cold and still sweating is a great detail. Not to mention the thoughts were also very on point, good idea to make them cursive too. You did great over there. (I really hope there comes some kind of twist to her character, maybe she’s the daughter of the bad guy or something trying to make a difference unlike her father. But I’m still pretty far away, so yeah. I think I gotta wait and see.)

I know that Gwyn is a nice friend to Carris bringing her lunch and keeping her company.(Or maybe she’s a secret bad guy, the mole. Who knows)


Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements

More vivid descriptions:
I would suggest trying to add more descriptions to the actions and emotions.

For example:
Before:
Malcolm grinned now. "My proverbial hat's off to you," he said, tipping his imaginary hat. "It would be a shame, however," and he struck with lightning speed, shoving the basket with two hands which caused Carris to stumble back on the snow before landing on her butt, "if you were to mess up again."


After:
Malcolm’s lips slowly changed into a mischievous grin, revealing a set of yellow teeth that looked ridged from above and brown. "My proverbial hat's off to you," he said with a mimicking voice of his father , tipping his imaginary hat. "It would be a shame, however," and he struck in a flash, shoving the basket with two hands which caused Carris to stumble back on the snow before landing on her butt with a thud , "if you were to mess up again."



Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece

The beginning of the chapter is my favourite, because it has so many realistic details that I can literally imagine myself in that spot freezing while sweating. You did a great job making an amazing start!


Carris wrang out the freezing water from the shirt and stuffed it into her overflowing laundry basket on the bank of the creek. She wiped her brow, finding herself sweating despite the below-freezing temperatures and the lazy snowflakes in the air. She squinted as she peeked over the treeline just past the creek, where the last rays of sun struggled to poke through the barren branches to give what little warmth they could. Carris nodded. Just in time. She rose from her kneeling position, hauling the basket up with both arms and letting it rest against her chest as she left the creek behind and began the short walk down the path from Potter's Creek to the cabin.


Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
I loved this chapter very much, I am surely going to be back for chapter four when I have time. I am very eager to know what’s going on with Private Devlin as with what’s going to happen to Carris. You have a nice writing style and a great concept. I am definitely in suspense!

Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Rinisha
– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉

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Tue May 25, 2021 6:56 am
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Ooh, POV change! I approve! I love books that have multiple POV characters.

That said, this is a very smooth chapter, and I have just a couple of nitpicks:

Carris shuddered. It was hard enough to get through a winter as it was, but doing laundry in frigid temperature in a frozen creek made it that much worse.

Why on earth is she washing clothes in a creek in below-freezing temperatures? And why hasn't the creek frozen yet? How is it even possible for her to access the water? A laundress should probably have some kind of heating tub at home, especially when it's so cold. It doesn't make much sense. She'd probably get frostbite if she keeps dipping her fingers into freezing cold water.

And with that, he flicked the vial and a dark liquid splashed out onto the shirt. It trailed down and began to drip into the snow.

Uffff, I hate this Malcolm character already. I really do. What a jerk.

"Gwyn?" Carris said, confused as she slowly followed the younger girl's gaze. Blood. Oops.

Ummm. I didn't imagine she drew so much blood with her nails. And she probably should have specified that it wasn't her own.

Lastly, I assume this is Potter's Creek? I mean, there's a creek here. But like ExOmelas mentioned, it would have been nice if you had tied Carris into this new world properly by mentioning a kingdom or location you included in the last two chapters.

Good chapter though! here are very few typos and errors as compared to the previous chapters, and fewer choppy sentences. And once more, you're taking your reviewers seriously, so thank you!

~ Lee




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Tue Feb 11, 2020 8:53 pm
Lib says...



That is cruel! The Malcolm guy! Evil! D= And his goons! AGH.

Ayy, Carris!! Let's gooo! Oh. Ouch. He's so mean. :,( I wanna give Carris some cookies. Oh yay! A friend in the midst of stress is so nice. It's good to know that Carris has some good friends here. Also, sandwiches! Yum.

"Gwyn, you're the best."

Gwyn smirked. "I know."

I love Gwyn so much already. xD

Anyways, great chapter as usual. You always have the right amount of tension which is nice~ Moving on~~




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Tue Jan 01, 2019 7:11 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Mess,

Shady back with another review for you, as promised! I like how much tension you have wrapped up into your chapters and how compelled I feel to keep reading! It's quite excellent and I'm loving it. Let's jump on into the review...

"Well, well, well, look who it is boys?" he spread out his arms in Carris's direction. "The slave, coming back from her 'job'. Trying to make it up to my dad for that red dye incident no doubt," he said, smirking to reveal two crooked rows of teeth.


I take back any positive things I said about him in later reviews. I don't like him after all. He is definitely in the hardcore jerk category. *hiss*

And with that, he flicked the vial and a dark liquid splashed out onto the shirt.


Jeerrrrrrk. Gah, I hate him.

Carris scoffed at her own thought. "More likely to bring home a man than food."


Aww, poor Carris. She's having such a rotten day and I just want to cuddle her <3


And to do laundry twice in two days, let alone two weeks, was not something she looked forward too.


Is this what you meant to write? There's nothing particularly wrong about it, but it would seem like "And to do laundry twice in two weeks, let alone two days..." would make more sense than the way it's written now, since the two days would be even worse than the two weeks, yeah?

~ ~ ~

Okay, so... as you can probably tell, I had a bit of an emotional reaction to this chapter haha. I feel so bad for poor Carris, being bullied by the jerk Malcolm, and having to go out in literal snow to wash laundry just for an income.

But I'm also super glad that she's got Gwyn as a friend! It could be worse, if everyone in her life sucked -- but it looks like she has at least one ally, even if her own mom isn't the greatest in the world. And for that I am pleased :)

I think this was a good introductory chapter to Carris as well. I mean, obviously, at the back of my mind I'm still wondering about Devlin and the Sadorians (I'm going to mangle the spelling of this throughout my reviews and I apologize for that xP) and how all that is going to play out -- but this gave us a really good glimpse into the struggles of her life, being bullied, and her own fiery-spit spirit pushing back against the people trying to kick her while she's down.

Great chapter! I'm on to the next!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Thu Jul 26, 2018 10:09 am
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey Mess, stop 7 on my tour of LMS week 3!

Nit-picks:

The ground was rock solid from months of freezing temperatures, and pain shot up her hip into her back.

Would pain not start in her tailbone or pelvis or something? Then just go straight up her spine.

He uncorked it with his teeth, spitting the cork into the snow. He winked at Carris. "I'd love to see my dad's face when he finds you did not clean his shirt. But I've got more important things to do."

This is a bit confusing because it sounds for a second like he isn't going to ruin her day, because he has better things to do. Presumably if he does this he will see his dad's reaction eventually.

Carris growled as she ran a hand through her beige hair.

I don't think hair is usually described as "beige".

Carris wrinkled her nose. She hated cooking. I suppose I could wait for mother to bring something back from the inn. Carris scoffed at her own thought. "More likely to bring home a man than food."

Why is it sometimes thoughts and sometimes speech?

"Ham sandwiches," Gwyn said nonchalantly.

Now Carris grinned and laughed. My favorite. "Gwyn, you're the best."

Why is that so funny?

Overall:

I'm alright with the introduction of a new chapter, but I would like for there to be at least some sort of hint as to how this ties in with the rest of the plot. Even just mention of the war, or of a geographical location shared between Devlin and Carris.

In isolation though, my main thing to say about this chapter would be that I actually think it would make more sense in first person. You give us a lot of this character's thoughts, both internally and expressed somewhat unrealistically out loud. I tend to say that italics for thoughts should be used sparingly, because compared to third person, it feels intense, so I think it suits best intense flashes of thought that go through the character's mind. When it's just used to relate a train of thought pretty consistently throughout the chapter, I think you'd be better off just using first person if they're that useful for the story.

I think I actually have a better understanding already of Carris than to Devlin. A lot of stuff was happening to Devlin, and his reactions are mostly fairly generic, as in, he does what any soldier would do in his situation. I also never knew why he was actually fighting the war, which made him slightly hard to sympathise with. With Carris, I have a clear idea of the injustices she faces and of her particular reaction to it. Having her friend come by was a good idea because I get to see what Gwyn thinks of Carris, which gives me a good idea of what Carris's behaviour is typically like.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




Messenger says...


hey Bisc, thanks. Yeah, a lot of what you say here echoes what Blue said below. As for the little bit about Malcolm not seeing his dad's reaction, it originally was not his dad, I added that in after I read over it a couple times, but I didn't really re-work the rest of the line. (Malcolm's backstory blossomed really fast and I'm kind loving who he is, although originally he was just going to be a random bully so xD not a lot of planning went in to him)

As far as the thoughts/talking out loud goes, I kind of base it off of how I act, so when Carris talks out loud, it's because that's what I would do. I have a tendency when I'm alone to go between thoughts and then respond out loud. And yes, that would make more sense to the reader maybe if it were first-person, but I don't like doing multiple first-person perspectives i.e. Devlin, Carris, and future characters, so I'm in the middle right now. I'll keep it in mind for editing later on, but for now, you'll probably see me keep a lot of the mental thoughts in the story. (But feel free to point them out if it really is an issue or comes across as very unrealistic)

The tie-in between this chapter and the Devlin chapters are that Carris lives in Potters Creek, which is where Devlin thinks the bad guys are going. This will probably later on be combined with chapter 4, we'll see. Blue suggested starting with Carris's chapter first.

Basically, all of that to say thanks for the notes, I'm keeping them in mind and writing them down for later on, because I'm really planning to finish this story and still like it enough to edit it, so you're getting my splurge of ideas in their rawest form ;P And that goes for Devlin's opening as well. I'm already working on some ideas to flesh him out faster and cut down on the ambush/improve the readers' understanding of Devlin.

Thanks as always



Messenger says...


hey Bisc, thanks. Yeah, a lot of what you say here echoes what Blue said below. As for the little bit about Malcolm not seeing his dad's reaction, it originally was not his dad, I added that in after I read over it a couple times, but I didn't really re-work the rest of the line. (Malcolm's backstory blossomed really fast and I'm kind loving who he is, although originally he was just going to be a random bully so xD not a lot of planning went in to him)

As far as the thoughts/talking out loud goes, I kind of base it off of how I act, so when Carris talks out loud, it's because that's what I would do. I have a tendency when I'm alone to go between thoughts and then respond out loud. And yes, that would make more sense to the reader maybe if it were first-person, but I don't like doing multiple first-person perspectives i.e. Devlin, Carris, and future characters, so I'm in the middle right now. I'll keep it in mind for editing later on, but for now, you'll probably see me keep a lot of the mental thoughts in the story. (But feel free to point them out if it really is an issue or comes across as very unrealistic)

The tie-in between this chapter and the Devlin chapters are that Carris lives in Potters Creek, which is where Devlin thinks the bad guys are going. This will probably later on be combined with chapter 4, we'll see. Blue suggested starting with Carris's chapter first.

Basically, all of that to say thanks for the notes, I'm keeping them in mind and writing them down for later on, because I'm really planning to finish this story and still like it enough to edit it, so you're getting my splurge of ideas in their rawest form ;P And that goes for Devlin's opening as well. I'm already working on some ideas to flesh him out faster and cut down on the ambush/improve the readers' understanding of Devlin.

Thanks as always



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Sun Jul 22, 2018 8:01 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



OKAY SO. This is definitely a much stronger chapter than the first two. We've got a character set up for us and already know more about her than what's-his-face in the first two chapters, not to mention more about her conflict. While it doesn't set up any Major Plottastic Conflict, it does set up a conflict.

Honestly, the main problem here is that we already had a main character set up for us, and now he's nowhere to be seen. I put off making a judgement about that because I figured he'd show up - I thought Carris might see him running toward her village, based on where we saw him headed last - but then he never showed up.

This might actually be a better first chapter than your first chapter, although I won't know for sure until I've read more. It's more interesting because it introduces conflict but is conflict that's more personal, more connected to the character introduced in this chapter. There's less exposition, less generic fighting, and more for readers to grasp.

You might be going for two main characters, which is fine, but it didn't work for me here.

me @ malcolm: WOW RUDE

He seemed kind of over-the-top to me but I'll let that go for now. I guess I don't see why he's SO invested in making her look bad to his dad, and also it's fine for her to go "I can't lose them as customers, that's half my income!" but...like...she just beat up their son. Which I was TOTALLY HERE FOR, but, you know...probably a good way to lose them as customers, right? Unless Malcolm's the type to be too embarrassed to admit he was beat up by a girl, I guess, maybe. But I can also see him using this to blackmail her later on like "I'll tell my parents if you don't do xyz."




Messenger says...


thanks blue. So I was wanting to give each MC two chapters of intro, and that would lead to the end of next chapter having Devlin come running in. So that would mess up having Carris's chapters first. However, maybe I could start with this chapter, then condense the two chapters of Devlin with some revision, and then have the next chapter about Carris be Chapter 3?

Yeah, Malcolm is terrible. I feel like the fight may have been a little bit too much (although technically Malcolm didn't even touch Carris). They share a lot of history and have a lot in common. A lot of stuff led to them being enemies, which I'm hoping to get into before the book goes too far. They both have rough parental situations leading to them being jerks to each other long story annnyway.

pquote[You might be going for two main characters, which is fine, but it didn't work for me here.[/quote]
Referring to Devlin and Carris, or Malcolm and Carris?



BluesClues says...


re: your last question, Devlin and Carris. Tbh I think it'll help if they each only have one chapter of intro rather than two chapters, plus starting with Carris rather than Devlin could help, especially bc if we see Devlin running toward a town bordered by a river at the end of his chapter we'll already have the idea that he might be running toward her town, which ties them together a little more clearly than they're tied together currently.



Messenger says...


Okay. Obviously for now during LMS I'll leave it as is, but I'll make a note about that in my novel planning notebook




A classic is a book which people praise and don't read.
— Mark Twain