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18+ Violence

Williwaw Chapter 11

by Messenger


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.

There was a dull throbbing coming from the back of Devlin’s head, and his eyelids fought to stay shut against his best efforts. Slowly they opened, blinking at the bright light coming from a torch nearby. There were people talking, although at first the voices floated by as nothing more than garbled noise. Devlin groaned as he tried to lift his head. It exploded into shooting pain, like white-hot needles coursing through his veins. His head dropped forward against his chest, each minute movement sending a fresh wave of nausea over him.

Devlin attempted to put his hands in his head, only to find them bound in front of him by a strand of course rope that dug at his wrists. He took in a deep breathe, focusing on the voices rather than his pain, although it fought to reach the forefront of his brain.

“They’re all dead!” the voice was frantic, breaking in pitch. “It came out of nowhere. We never stood a chance!” There was anguish in the voice, and perhaps a slight sob at the end?

A low voice replied in a smooth, firm tone. “Slow down Jacoby. The townspeople? What of them?”

“We lost them in the tunnels. They could be anywhere. But no man will go back in there. We’ve lost too many today.”

There was the hiss of steel, the sound of a blade leaving its scabbard. The low voice spoke again, this time with a hint of excitement. “And if I lead? Will you follow me then?”

There was no response for a moment. Then a stutter. “You know we will follow you to victory, but-” the voice trailed off.

“But what? Do you not trust the power we’ve been granted by Vera and the prophet.” There was fervor to his voice that oozed of confidence. “We have the very power of the Bull. It is within our grasp to do the unthinkable!” his voice swelled now.

It’s a young voice. My age.

Devlin felt the crick in his neck creeping up from his shoulder, and he rolled his head to the other side. Pain trailed about his head like sparks in the wind. he grunted, louder than intended. There was a pause in the conversation, and the slight crunch of gravel as someone turned.

“What of him?” That must be Jacoby. “Should we kill him? Eridan, you know we will follow you, but this is not our mission. Those people will die in that cave. No one could escape that beast. We should press on.”

“And what if just one were to escape? We cannot afford a breach, not this close to fulfilling our destiny.”

Destiny? Who is this man?

The young, low voice continued, and Devlin did his best to focus on catching every word.

“What if we were to lure them out?”

“Lure them?”

“With him.”

Devlin froze, his heart missing a beat.

He kept going. “Offer them his life in exchange for safety.”

“And do what? Slavery is a small incentive to live.”

“But it is an incentive. And we must make sure that they are all accounted for, one way or another.”

“He’s a stranger. Do you think they will care about his life so much as to give up their own?”

“There’s one way to find out.”

Devlin felt a trickle of panic in his chest.

The two voices lowered to a pitch inaudible to Devlin. He flashed his eyes open. That hurt. After taking a few seconds to let his eyes adjust he could make out two pairs of boots in front of him. He brought his head back in one swift motion. If it was going to cause pain it might as well be all at once. The drumming in his skull shot from front to back then took a lap, and he nearly passed out, his vision going white for several seconds. He took a sharp breath between gritted teeth, holding back the grunt that lodged itself in his throat.

He could see them now. Both were Sadorians, but whereas one was much older, bearded and covered in animal skins with a long, bloodied, sword across his back, the other was the black knight. His visor was pushed up to reveal a face that could not be more than twenty-five years old. It was pale, with a sharp chin and hawk-like nose, as if it had been broken at some point. A scar ran down from the middle of the right cheek to the bottom of the chin, a thin white line. Eridan is what Jacoby had called him.

Devlin stretched his jaw for a moment, his face chilled to the point where he felt as if a hammer against it might shatter it into tiny pieces. He loosened his tongue which was caught against the roof of his mouth. He realized now just how dry his mouth and throat here.

“You!” he shouted to the huddled duo.

They spun as one, and it was Eridan who responded first. 

“Yes?” It was a calm reply, almost as if they were having a friendly conversation despite the circumstance. Devlin hesitated for a moment. In truth, he wasn’t sure why he had spoken. He was in no position to bargain. He set his jaw squarely.

“You’ll never find them in there,” Devlin said it with as much confidence as he could muster. Talking made his head hurt more, as did the echoes in the cave. “They know these mountains like you wouldn’t believe. They’ll get out and warn king Ormen. Your plan, whatever it is, will fail.”

Eridan cocked his head to one side. “Just how do you know any of that? You’re a private in the Sadorian army. Look at your hands. Those aren’t the hands of a mountain man. You grew up in the plains no doubt.”

Devlin blinked twice. “I-I- you know nothing about me.”

Eridan laughed. It was a light-hearted laugh, one not befitting a cave with bodies strewn about. “I know much more than you think. But that doesn’t matter.” His voice turned cold, grating. “These people have deserved the wrath of Sadoria for nearly a decade, and now they will receive it. There will be no mercy. There will be no contest. Astoria will fall and Sadoria will build on its filthy ashes until no one even remembers the name Astoria.”

Devlin felt the anger well up in his chest now. “Astoria will never fall to maniacs and mountainmen!”

Eridan took a step forward, hand jabbing out. “But I am no maniac or mountain man.” He held up his blade, running his hand up the blade.

It was a beautiful piece of work, darkened metal with a black leather hilt, a white stone as the pommel, with white stones encrusting the hilt, and white specks on the blade as if someone had sprinkled them on.

“I have the power of a god on my side, and not even Astoria can withstand that!”

Devlin began to reply, but Eridan cut him off with the wave of his hand. “Enough talk!” he bellowed. “Into the cave. Jacoby, keep him company while I round up our men.”

Jacoby hauled Devlin on his feet and shoved him forward. Devlin nearly sank as the throbbing pulsed through his head, but Jacoby didn’t seem to care. He dragged him along. As they neared the hole in the back of the cave where the townspeople had escaped Jacoby drew a dagger from his belt and sliced the bonds from Devlin’s hands. He clutched his wrist, rubbing them in an attempt to get the blood flowing again.

Jacoby stopped by the two dead townspeople and nodded towards the sword still protruding from the old man’s back. “Pick it up.”

Devlin looked back at him, unsure that he had heard him correctly.

Jacoby huffed. “You deaf? Pick it up.”

Devlin clutched the handle slowly. Was it a trick? An excuse to kill him? He pulled the sword from the body with a sickening crunch that twisted something in his stomach. He put a hand to his mouth, holding back the vomit that threatened his throat. 

Jacoby put the blade to his neck. “One false move and you die.”

Jacoby grabbed the torch that had been secured between two rocks on the ground and nudged Devlin in the back, the point of the blade breaking the skin. Devlin barely noticed. He felt the cold handle in his hands. Could he spin before the dagger dug into his back?

It’s worth a shot, he thought, completely unsure as to what the Sadorians were planning to do with him. He closed his eyes for a moment as they entered the new passageway. One deep breath and then he prepared to spin.

A clank of armor behind both of them caused him to hesitate. Eridan stumbled in behind them, cursing about the fact that it was the second time his armor had struck a cave wall that night.

“It hurts more than you think,” he said with a wry smile to Jacoby. 

Devlin turned to face them.

Eridan glared at him. “You’re going to die tonight,” he said matter-of-factly as a dozen Sadorians entered the passageway behind him, two of them with torches in arms to light up the dingy brown walls. It felt like quite the tomb.

Eridan pointed past Devlin. “There’s a dragon in there. It killed four of my men. You’re going to fight it.”

Devlin looked at Jacoby. He grinned.

Eridan smiled a tight smile. He was happy, but there was a worry line across his forehead.

“You fight that dragon or you die.”

Devlin nodded and instantly regretted it. He put his weaponless hand to his temple, rubbing it in an attempt to relieve the pain. “I get it. I’m bait. I fight, you run past me and slaughter those innocent civilians.”

Eridan tapped his nose. “Smart one, you are.” He shrugged. “Who knows, maybe you’ll survive? It will be too late at that point. You barely caught up to us the first time. You won’t do it a second time.”

“And if I refuse?” Devlin wracked his brain. Was there a way he could turn this debate?

Eridan shrugged. “You die here and now, and leave those townspeople at our mercy. It’s possible that we don’t get past the dragon, but are you willing to sacrifice your life for the possibility that we may die?”

Devlin felt the lump in his throat rise.

Eridan grinned, this time without the worry line. “I didn’t think so. After all, you have bigger plans, don’t you?”

And Devlin had no response. 


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Wed Oct 11, 2023 8:41 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Ok this chapter definitely had a different tone to some of the other ones we've been having recently. It's a bit slower and far less high tension and excitement but I think that's ok because we make up for it in world building.

I am having trouble tracking exactly how much time has elapsed so far in the novel. I'm thinking it must be only a couple of days all in all but being in the caves makes it tricky to work out what kind of time is passing. It would be helpful I think if at some point in the next few chapters someone makes reference to how long they've been in there?

I did notice some inconsistencies in this chapter in the way you show Devlin's thoughts. I think previously some have been italicised, whereas none of them are here. That makes parts like this:

It’s a young voice. My age.

a bit jarring, because I didn't realise we were inside his head and the 'my age' really threw me.

There's also an air of confusion in this chapter, mostly brought about by the jumble of voices and characters we don't know. I don't think that's a huge problem at this point because Devlin seems just as confused as we are, but if we're continuing with some of these characters it would be nice to make sure they're clearly defined in the story i.e. making it clear who is speaking and when.

That's all for now!

Icy




Messenger says...


The part with italicized thoughts is probably courtesy of WFP by thanks for the note on that



IcyFlame says...


ah that makes total sense



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Sat Sep 30, 2023 3:46 pm
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NadyaStatham wrote a review...



Salutations, curious mind!



Rinisha is back here and ready to review 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause this is going to be a bumpy ride. I’m going to keep it short alright!✨

All in all

This party rocked, let's take a quick look!

This chapter is a little slower. There is no action, which makes it easier for the reader to catch up with what has happened before. It is like taking a breath, I also think that you should try to add more realistic features to the story.

All that mountain man talk made me think of a Netflix series called The Hundred. You should check it out too, the mountain men of that series arrive in season 2. Gosh, are they brutal. I think you'll like it. Seeing your story, Williwaw, involves a lot of war, this series has it all. I'm not sure if I have recommended it before, if I have, I feel free to skip it.

For example, you mention that Devlin has been injured, but how is he still able to wield a sword? Secondly, you did not mention the last time he slept. I do not really understand it either: Is Devlin Sadorian or is he Astorian?

After all, Carris is Sadorian, so maybe you could think of some kind of backstory for her family and her Sadorian brother who almost killed her, but was killed by Devlin. It would certainly make the story more interesting. Think about it, will ya.

Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Rinisha
– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉

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Fri May 28, 2021 7:42 am
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Now I'm really confused.

He could see them now. Both were Sadorians, but whereas one was much older, bearded and covered in animal skins with a long, bloodied, sword across his back, the other was the black knight.


Eridan cocked his head to one side. “Just how do you know any of that? You’re a private in the Sadorian army. Look at your hands. Those aren’t the hands of a mountain man. You grew up in the plains no doubt.”


Who is who and what is happening? Are Sadorians a race? If that's the case you either need to make it a little clearer or I'm just incredibly dumb. :P

Still, I like this chapter! It offers some insight into the... Sadorians... bandits... eh. It gave us a few teasers as to what exactly their motives are and why they're attacking... Astoria? Sadoria? Gosh, I'm confused.

I do feel like Eridan's dialogue could have been a bit better. The way he delivered his little speech on why Sadoria "deserved its fate" was almost comical. I don't know if it's just me. I didn't take him all that seriously. I think it's because, well, it's done a lot, the whole vengeful villain thing. That doesn't automatically make it bad, but the villain/antagonist can't SAY "I'm taking revenge because you people have bullied mine for so long!" straight away, the very first time we see them, because we can't care enough at that point. We don't know enough to care. It should come up subtly, or much later, when we know more about the politics of this world.

Devlin himself was a little odd this chapter; while he has proved his bravery before, he was downright defiant this time. I'm still trying to figure out if that's a good thing or not.

This chapter was pretty satisfactory with regards to character development, plot, and pacing. So far so good; keep it up!

~ Lee




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Wed Jan 02, 2019 2:15 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Messenger!

Shady back again! That last review took me a while to write, giving me plenty of time to think up a unique opening to this one, right? Alas, it is not so. I still have no witty opening to offer you, but I do have another review for you. Let's get started...

“Yes?” It was a calm reply, almost as if they were having a friendly conversation despite the circumstance.


Ooh, dang. That makes it harder to come up with a comeback for, doesn't it? I like this. A lot. Most dialogue between enemy soldiers is all gruff and cocky and this is just calm and I dunno it just gives a different feel and I really like that. :)

~ ~ ~

Another good chapter! I think this was one of your weaker chapters, but I can't really point towards anything in specific as to why I feel like that. I guess it's because while the character development was good, and giving us an "ooh crap" moment for Devlin, nothing really happened in this chapter.

And that's fine. You don't have to have things happening one after another after another all the time. But it lacked some of the excitement that several of your previous chapters had, I guess, is all that I'm trying to say about that.

I do like how the plot is going. Poor Devlin. This has not been his day, has it?

One common note, though, that I've been wondering about is what time of day it is? Because they attacked at night, yes? So is this still the dead of night? Or is it now day? Or what? I'm having a bit of a hard time envisioning the setting. And yes, I get that we're still in a cave, which makes that harder. But I do think I'd like a general idea of how much time has passed since the first attack to now.

That's all I've got for now. On to the next chapter!

~Shady 8)




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Mon Nov 19, 2018 4:47 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Okay I'm back again, and am just going to go over some of my reactions and thoughts as I was reading:

First, I really like the opening with the disorientation, it's an interesting scene change that sets up tension right away.

Devlin attempted to put his hands in his head
-> I think you mean "on" rather than "in".

The part where the two voices were unidentified were a bit hard to follow - but I think it's probably alright since Devlin is confused at the same time.

I like this exchange: "“And what if just one were to escape? We cannot afford a breach, not this close to fulfilling our destiny.”
Destiny? Who is this man?" --> It makes me really curious what's going on.

Eridan just sounds like a super interesting person; especially the spirituality aspect, which I really hope you get more into. I would love a chapter just from the Sadorian's point of view even so we can learn more about them. It was interesting how Eridan analyzed Devlin's hands to figure out more about him too.

"Eridan laughed. It was a light-hearted laugh, one not befitting a cave with bodies strewn about. " <- Nice! The tension in this scene is very thick - especially because it's following this big battle and it's not really clear how Devlin got here.

I also like the set-up of Devlin's choice too - fight Dragon and allow Eridan and Jacoby to get past, or don't fight and surely die. A nice dilemna of odds there - I think ending the chapter on "And Devlin had no response" is a bit weak though.

Towards the end of this chapter - there were a few points where I had to re-track to figure out who was speaking or who was the subject of the pronoun "he". But for the most part I could follow along alright.

Really nice chapter!

~alliyah




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Fri Oct 19, 2018 1:01 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



“They’re all dead!” the voice was frantic, breaking in pitch. “It came out of nowhere. We never stood a chance!” There was anguish in the voice, and perhaps a slight sob at the end?


Ahhhhhh that's a Sadorian, isn't it! Good, I'm glad to actually get to see some specific Sadorians in this chapter and even get a little humanization of Eridan despite his elevated position and all his talk of gods. This is honestly so much what I've been waiting for that I'm pretty sure this is a serious contender for favorite-chapter-so-far and might even be the winner except that my memory is the Literal Worst, so it's kind of foggy on the other chapters except for a general sense of what's been going on.

Like, Eridan's still a scary dude, and he's unexpected simply because he's so young. I expected him to be not human, honestly, so to find him not only human but really young for his status he's younger than me oh my gOD was a nice twist. But he's also obviously legit worried about this dragon that killed four of his men. And then I liked the bit of worldbuilding with him telling Jacoby why they don't need to worry - it was like a touch of their religion without infodumping too much about it or feeling too mysterious like "the characters are going to talk about their religion but in a really vague, roundabout way for Mystery," which always feels unnatural and wooden. So nice balance there. And then I also liked Eridan's almost Sherlockian way of deducting that Devlin's a stranger, not someone the villagers would actually care about.

Eridan cocked his head to one side. “Just how do you know any of that? You’re a private in the Sadorian army. Look at your hands. Those aren’t the hands of a mountain man. You grew up in the plains no doubt.”


Whoops, I think you meant Astorian, considering he's addressing Devlin right now.

I think my only real complaint about this chapter is that you should maybe go back, highlight Eridan's dialogue, and see how many times he responds to someone's question or concern with another question. It started to feel like a game of Questions Only because he did it so much!




Messenger says...


Haha glad you liked it so much. It was definitely one my favorite to write and reread so far %uD83D%uDE01 I will fix that typo and check on Eridan's dialogue for sure




The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
— Stanislaw Jerszy Lec