Young Writers Society

Hi, me again back for more as is usual for this time of day! I'm so interested to now be reading ones you've written this year rather than multiple years ago. I completely would have given up by now so I'm super impressed you've continued on, but it's so interesting to see how your style and technique evolves as we go.

More a technical point, but Carris' chapters at the moment are far shorter than Devlin's. It's not a problem per se but it is making the narrative feel a bit unbalanced and I'm not able to get as involved in Carris' chapters vs Devlin's.

I actually found Carris' attitude to be relatively in keeping with what we know of her character so far. She's still under a lot of pressure, worried about her friend and the fate of the world too. We've seen her lash out when stressed before so this doesn't really surprise me.

However, I think I wasn't as bought into Alec's anger. I don't think we've seen enough of his friendship with Laura for his feelings to seem justified, and that seems to be the route of his anger toward Carris. His motivations also aren't really clear to me so for now I still don't trust him (this might be intentional, just wanted to let you know the vibe I'm getting).

I would agree with Vento's point below though about some introspection before the apology. I'm not sure I follow if she's apologising because she means it or because she wants something from Alec.

That's all for this one!

Icy

Eyyyyy.

Going to kind of piggy back off of Spearmint here, because I was also actually a little surprised by her attitude when it started to become more pronounced in these Alec Cabin scenes. I suspect some of this can be attributed to a break in continuity between 2018 and 2020, but here are some things that may help smooth out this characterization when you get to rewrites.

From what I can tell, Carris's attitude comes from a lifetime of people a) not taking her seriously and b) people assuming the worst of her. In the context in which she grew up, lashing out and being stubborn were probably the only ways to get what she needed. Suddenly, she is being put into some very different situations, with people who don't know her in any way and thus have no reason to assume.

Action-wise, we started to see the breakdown of her attitude during the attack on Potter's Creek, between her and Devlin. But it was stressful, and she's relatively young, so we the audience totally get it without any directly written insight. I think during this portion, you could lay some stronger seeds--something introspective, or something Devlin says that either gets her thinking or causes her to really lash out. Like, screaming, shouting, hurting each other sort of lashing out.

If she leaves the rest of the party with this kind of intensity, I think it will really sell her attitude with Alec and Laura in a more natural way. It puts her at the very highest extreme, which would be a great place for her to start to understand both that other people are not Malcolm or her bullies or her mother, and that there are negative consequences to her attitude.

In this chapter specifically, I think it would really help to have a little more introspection before she bucks up and apologizes to Alec. I want a more intimate depiction of her resistance, and of the thought process that tips the balance. Does she apologize because it's a way to get what she wants from Alec, or does she legitimately feel some remorse?

Anyway that's my two cents. Hope this helps!

-Vento

Hey Messy! I'm (finally) here with a review! xD I've read the first few chapters of Williwaw, so I have a vague sense of who Devlin and Carris are. I didn't get the impression that Carris was unappreciative from what I read, but exhaustion can make people rude, and it looks like Carris has been through a lot.
Based on this chapter, here are my impressions of Alec: Carris knows a fair amount about him, so I'd guess that the two of them are acquaintances. Alec seems to be reluctantly helping Carris, and yet he cares enough to personally accompany her to Atheron. Maybe he was some kind of uncle figure to her before, so he feels slightly responsible for her safety? Hmm, not sure.
I'm interested enough to read more, even though this chapter is in the middle of things, so that's a good sign! :]
My main critique would be that you tend to not use enough commas in dialogue. I'll point some examples out later.

On to specifics!

"Moving about are we?" There wasn't the same jovial tone as before.

Carris furrowed her brows. "It's rather late isn't it?"

She bent over to pick up some of the smaller logs and tried her best to hide the stiffness and exhaustion she felt in such a simple task.

Alec lowered the knife in his hand and turned to face Carris.

"Exactly. You won't get far in this world with that attitude, Missy. You are right about one thing though. You will be leaving. But let's forego the morning. How about right now?"

Everything In Carris called for a demand to action from Alec she she bit her tongue to stave it off.