Once Upon a Time,
Marry walked along the garden with a heavy heart, Jose was holding her hand, he had a goofy grin plastered on his face.
I should tell him... Marry thought, before she could open her mouth to speak, she felt Jose tug at her. She stopped, and turned to see him kneeling.
"Marry, I need to ask you something-"
Marry froze, "Jose, wait-"
"-I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
"Jose..."
"Will you marry me, Marry?" He asked, his eyes shining.
Marries eyes were shining, too- but with tears. "Jose, I love you, too. But I can't, Jose, my Father's married me off. I brought you out here to tell you." Jose's face fell, as if his entire world had crumbled before his very eyes.
"I- I understand. You have a duty to your kingdom. I can't get in the way of that." Jose turned away, his hands in his pockets. He trudged back along the path they had came.
"Jose!"
He turned, a sad smile and a tear on his cheek. "I won't love anyone but you, but you can love this man. I hope he will treat you well, and if he doesn't..." Jose lifted his fist, before continuing along the path. Marry let out a strangled wail. "For the good of the kingdom, Marry."
Jose...
Merry regretfully followed the other path, back to the castle. Leaving teardrops in her wake.
Two weeks later...
"Merry?"
Merry stood up, she walked to her bedroom door, and opened it.
"Father?" She asked, slightly confused. He looked... Upset, but not in a distressed way, more like... Regretful?
"I have good news, and some bad." When Merry didn't respond, he continued. "The good news is that prince Timothy will be arriving within the hour. The bad news is, well-" He took a deep breath. "Jose is dead, sweetie."
Marry stared at him, was this a cruel joke? Was her Father trying to make her more inclined to marry the prince?
"It was a terrible accident," He added, "He was walking in the gardens during the night. He fell into the pond. The guards didn't find him until morning."
"No..." Marries heart ached. "No, no, no. He's not dead. He's not dead!" He's not, he's not, he's not. It must be a mistake. She looked at her Father, hoping for something to suggest this, but he just shook his head.
"I'm sorry," Was all he said.
"No, Father, no!" She thought desperately. "He can't be dead!"
We could've found a way, I shouldn't have let him turn away, I should have found a way!
"Marry," She didn't look up, "Marry, the mage made something for you, to ease the pain." He placed a bottle in her hand, before turning away. She heard his footsteps fading.
Her eyes burned, and her lungs pulled in air and breathed it out instantly, like a hungry toddler.
"Jose." She whispered his name again and again so she would never forget. She pictured his face, his goofy smile, the way he always loved her...
And she remembered the last thing he had said to her.
"For the good of the kingdom."
She squeezed the bottle, before finally opened it, and drinking it all in one gulp. She smacked her lips, before catching a glance of herself in the mirror.
Why was I crying? She wiped the tears from her eyes. All she could remember was a face. What was his name? Even as she thought about him, the image became foggier and foggier. She shrugged. I would have remembered if it was important. She decided.
And then she went off, to get ready for the prince.
And they lived happily ever after.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hi Horisun!
How are you this day or night? I'm here to give you a review today or tonight. Let's get right onto it!
RECOMMENDATIONS
Okay, so, I like your story but it felt very rushed, just like @4revgreen said. I would recommend putting a bit more detail in between dialogues. Also, I'd recommend using one type of way for spelling a name not two. 'Cause in the first part you wrote 'Marry' but then you kept on writing 'Merry'. You might wanna fix it.
MISTAKES I SPOTTED
1.
Marries sounds like it's multiple Marrys. You know what I mean? Just fix the bold word into Marry's.
2.
This is where you start spelling Marry's name differently. But then, later in the story, you change it back to 'Marry'. You might wanna go over that.
3.
Again, Marries sounds like its multiple Marrys. Just fix the bold words into Marry's.
4.
If someone had thought something, it wouldn't be in quotation marks. It's most likely be in italics. So you'd wanna turn that into italics and delete the quotation marks.
QUESTIONS
I have a question about this part, like, if she drank the potion, then, wouldn't she also forget about the prince? Or was the potion just to erase all the memories of Jose only? I don't know, it was just a question that popped into my mind. So yeah.
OVERALL
This was a pretty good story and I'd like to see more from you soon. By the way, can you tag me for your stories and such? I really enjoy your stories and poems and what not.
(If you found anything rude, tell me straight to my face.'Kay? You better.)
Keep on writing!
~Liberty500
I'm so proud of this review. It's one of my bests.
Thanks or the review! Yeah, this isn't my best work, I'm not great when it comes to these kinds of stories! Nice review! Btw!
Oh, and sure, I'll tag you, if you want.
Thanks!
I genuinely liked the concept behind this little story, so congratulations on hooking me in!
However I don't think "once upon a time" is the best way to start any story, sadly. There are so many other ways to catch the readers attention!
Also, the characters name seems to change from marry to merry? I think that might just be a typo.
It was very fast paced! I would have liked a little more explanation between the dialogue. Dialogue is great when you use It right, but sometimes it moves the story on too quickly!
I think the ending could have had more of an impact had the main character described her views/feelings on how she felt about the Prince now!
Overall, it was a pretty good story, but everyone has room to improve!
Hello there Horisun.
I am Kostia and I will give you a brief review and comment on your work today.
I will start by saying that it felt like there were too much in too little text. I had mixed feelings about this piece.
To explain this statement I will let you know what I didn't like.
1. I didn't really like the structure of the beggining:
"Once Upon a Time,
Marry walked along the garden with a heavy heart, Jose was holding her hand, he had a goofy grin plastered on his face."
I don't think that it quite fits using "once upon a time" followed by this sentance. However "Marry walked along the garden with a heavy heart, Jose was holding her hand, he had a goofy grin plastered on his face." would be just fine on its own.
My suggestion is to either exclude the "once upon a time" part
or
simply include a brief back story of the characters between the "once upon a time" and "Marry walked along" parts.
2. I felt like there was a lot of plot twist in just a few lines. There were many information stated and implied for such a brief read. That resulted in confusion for me. This kind of stoped me from getting attached to the characters. Moreover it made me feel emotionally distant from them. Which means it barely affected me.
Even through there are no structural, gramatic, or spelling mistakes in it (apart from Mary's name which was spelled in many different ways in the text.), I feel distant from this story.
3. That is really a personal opinion rather than a general comment or suggestion.
I didn't like the ending. It was very sudden and dramatic for such a brief text. Moreover I didn't see any symbolism behind it.
Overall It made me feel like I read a nicely written piece, without being emotionally touched. It caused me confusion and the impression that it ended before I got the chance to get even remotely familiarised with it.
I don't know if you had a word limit (in which case I understand) but if not I would definately advise you to make it longer and add more information to it. The way you have it doesn't leave a strong impression to the reader. Which is really a shame because its content is highly dramatic. Even though personally it is not the drama of my taste, it has the kind of dramatic content prefered and loved by a great reading audience)
It was not a bad read. Maybe it didn't really apply to my preferences. I might have even misunderstood it, either way you seem like a fine writer and I believe you have some potential.
Keep Writing!
Best regards
Kostia
I see what you mean. I honestly do terrible when writing pieces like this! Thanks for the review, I will keep everything you said in mind!
Hi, I thought I'd leave you a quick review!
So, one thing I noticed were sentence lengths. This is something of a personal preference and although there is nothing wrong with the way you've written, I feel it can be improved. For example,
'Marry walked along the garden with a heavy heart, Jose was holding her hand, he had a goofy grin plastered on his face.' This is a good piece of writing and I like the content of it. However, it may be even better if you break it up a little bit. Instead it could be:
'Marry walked along the garden with a heavy heart. Jose was holding her hand, a goofy grin plastered on his face.'
The plot is good and I liked the ending - where the father gives the potion that makes her forget about the person she was in love with him. My only other comment is that I feel you could improve it by being more descriptive. Overall a great piece!
Thanks!