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Those Red Eyes

by Horisun


Authors Note: I based this off a strange dream I had, which probably wasn't a great idea to start with, and I hardly ever write horror stuff, but I decided to give it a shot. If you see anything, let me know!

I guess the day began normal. I mean, other than the excitement of my cousins coming, it was a pretty average day. We went to the park, messed around a bit, then grabbed some food. I still remember the day vividly, down to the amount of chicken nuggets in my happy meal. Four.

When they finally got to our house, it wasn't normal. They weren't normal. To formal, to indifferent, to robotic. The only one who acted even a hint like themselves was Ben. But there was still something odd. Something malicious about him. I remember their being an strange redness about his eyes, and when you met them, you wanted to drop down to your knees, and beg mercy. Which, obviously, got us all suspicious, even if the strangeness of everyone else wasn't questioned.

I remember being almost relieved when they were about to leave. I had questioned them several times, but I always got the same, odd answer. 

"Things are as they should be." They said, unblinking, before walking away.

But before they left, when we did the group hug we always do before we leave, I met Bens eyes. They glowed redder, and redder, I couldn't look away.

Those red eyes were the last things I remember. 


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Mon Jul 15, 2019 7:18 pm
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Elinor wrote a review...



Hey Horisun!

I like the concept of this story. Sometimes I've had pretty weird or even vivid dreams and they've inspired me creatively in a multitude of different ways. Like you, I don't usually write or read horror, but I do appreciate those stories when they're done well. Two of my favorites are Psycho and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

It's hard for me to really comment in depth on this story because it's very short, but what you have here essentially is an outline for a larger story that you would be able to tell. I think this could definitely be expanded. As a reader, the biggest question I would want to know why is why Ben's eyes are red. Why isn't the narrator affected? I think you could also play a lot with setting and environment to make this a piece that is truly unsettling.

Overall, I think you have a nice writing style and managed to convey a lot and I'd be curious to see what, if anything, you decide to do with it.

Let me know if you have any questions! Keep writing.

Best,
Elinor




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Sat Jul 13, 2019 5:39 am



Sorry for the disturbance, I accidentally submitted my review as a comment. Sorry again.




Horisun says...


Don't worry about it! Not a biggie at all!



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13 Reviews


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Sat Jul 13, 2019 5:37 am
IsProcrastinator wrote a review...



Hey there!

The idea was strange indeed, as most of our dreams are weird and doesn't make much sense. I liked the way the cousins acted robotic and indifferent, that was creepy. I thought they were going to attack the protagonist. I wish it was explained why Ben was the only one who acted like himself, and why he had red eyes.

I noticed one thing. (please don't take offense as I say this)

This sentence where you described the behavior of the cousins:

“To formal, to indifferent, to robotic.”

I think it may have escaped your notice, it's supposed to be : “Too formal, too indifferent, too robotic.”

You have already mentioned you don't write horror stories, but I think this was a good approach.

Keep writing! :)




Horisun says...


Thank you for the review!



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13 Reviews


Points: 1034
Reviews: 13

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Sat Jul 13, 2019 5:36 am



Hey there!

The idea was strange indeed, as most of our dreams are weird and doesn't make much sense. I liked the way the cousins acted robotic and indifferent, that was creepy. I thought they were going to attack the protagonist. I wish it was explained why Ben was the only one who acted like himself, and why he had red eyes.

I noticed one thing. (please don't take offense as I say this)

This sentence where you described the behavior of the cousins:

“To formal, to indifferent, to robotic.”

I think it may have escaped your notice, it's supposed to be : “Too formal, too indifferent, too robotic.”

You have already mentioned you don't write horror stories, but I think this was a good approach.

Keep writing! :)





When you cut pieces out of the truth to avoid looking like a fool, you end up looking like a moron instead.
— Robin Hobb