Authors Note: I based this off a strange dream I had, which probably wasn't a great idea to start with, and I hardly ever write horror stuff, but I decided to give it a shot. If you see anything, let me know!
I guess the day began normal. I mean, other than the excitement of my cousins coming, it was a pretty average day. We went to the park, messed around a bit, then grabbed some food. I still remember the day vividly, down to the amount of chicken nuggets in my happy meal. Four.
When they finally got to our house, it wasn't normal. They weren't normal. To formal, to indifferent, to robotic. The only one who acted even a hint like themselves was Ben. But there was still something odd. Something malicious about him. I remember their being an strange redness about his eyes, and when you met them, you wanted to drop down to your knees, and beg mercy. Which, obviously, got us all suspicious, even if the strangeness of everyone else wasn't questioned.
I remember being almost relieved when they were about to leave. I had questioned them several times, but I always got the same, odd answer.
"Things are as they should be." They said, unblinking, before walking away.
But before they left, when we did the group hug we always do before we leave, I met Bens eyes. They glowed redder, and redder, I couldn't look away.
Those red eyes were the last things I remember.
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140,481 Literary Works • 673,249 Reviews
Hi Horisun,
Mailice here with a short review!
I like how your story here starts like a typical horror story and gives the reader a brief insight into the character's life. (I'm going from the point of view of the story, not the dream.) I also like how you summarise it briefly, leaving the impression that the narrator is a typical, normal character. I also liked the commentary towards the end, which made me smile. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but I liked it. Again, I'm not sure, but since I assume that "happy meal" means McDonald's, the proper name should be written in capital letters.
From the perspective of a dream, I can well understand how the atmosphere changed completely from one point to the next. You build it up well here, but I think you could add some more details to give a better impression. You spent the first section giving us information, getting to know the narrator, and here we get Ben's name as a brief detail, but nothing else. It feels like the "plot" is now getting lost in the details and so this section feels good from a dream point of view but could be improved from a story point of view. Oh, a tiny mistake is here with “an strange redness”.
In general, you evoke quite an interesting story here. I'm very excited about what you've created and how the plot has developed here. You manage to develop a certain fear and excitement and also leave an impression, but at the end one stands here and wonders what will happen next. Again, from the point of view of the dream, I can imagine it very well and also understand how we got from X to Y without asking and answering the necessary questions, from the point of view of the story, it still arouses curiosity and many questions.
I think the dream short story itself is very great. It goes on with the plot without going directly into emotions and you notice that the narrator, as if on invisible rails, does not get away and keeps only one striking feature in mind throughout the dream.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
You could literally make a part 2
hi there wow if I had the nightmare I would never trust my cousins . how did you feel after having the dream . Wow I didn't know dreams can also help in stories thank you , nice horror story I hope I sleep tonight without thinking about your story because it was a really nice story I loved it so much you really talented
Hey girl!
I'm back to reviewing your stuff! But one thing. YOU NEVER NOTIFIED ME WHEN ALL THESE SHORT STORIES CAME OUT. WHY? I asked you to tag me whenever a new one came. *pout* Anyways, hope you're doing well today.
You attempted to write a horror, and I must say, you got me there. That's kinda freaky. Red eyes, just glowing and glowing and then that's the last thing you see. Creeepyyyy. *shudder* You did a pretty good job, if you ask me.
Also, I saw a couple of things I wanted to point out real quick.
All the "to"s should have another "o" at the end of each and every one of them.
The word "their" is supposed to be spelt differently. It's supposed to be "there".
Bens needs to have an apostrophe like so: Ben's.
Alright. That's it for my review! Hope this helped in one way or the other. Of course, if you've got any questions, feel free to ask me anytime!
Keep on writing!
~Liberty
Hey Horisun!
I like the concept of this story. Sometimes I've had pretty weird or even vivid dreams and they've inspired me creatively in a multitude of different ways. Like you, I don't usually write or read horror, but I do appreciate those stories when they're done well. Two of my favorites are Psycho and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
It's hard for me to really comment in depth on this story because it's very short, but what you have here essentially is an outline for a larger story that you would be able to tell. I think this could definitely be expanded. As a reader, the biggest question I would want to know why is why Ben's eyes are red. Why isn't the narrator affected? I think you could also play a lot with setting and environment to make this a piece that is truly unsettling.
Overall, I think you have a nice writing style and managed to convey a lot and I'd be curious to see what, if anything, you decide to do with it.
Let me know if you have any questions! Keep writing.
Best,
Elinor
Sorry for the disturbance, I accidentally submitted my review as a comment. Sorry again.
Don't worry about it! Not a biggie at all!
Hey there!
The idea was strange indeed, as most of our dreams are weird and doesn't make much sense. I liked the way the cousins acted robotic and indifferent, that was creepy. I thought they were going to attack the protagonist. I wish it was explained why Ben was the only one who acted like himself, and why he had red eyes.
I noticed one thing. (please don't take offense as I say this)
This sentence where you described the behavior of the cousins:
“To formal, to indifferent, to robotic.”
I think it may have escaped your notice, it's supposed to be : “Too formal, too indifferent, too robotic.”
You have already mentioned you don't write horror stories, but I think this was a good approach.
Keep writing!
Thank you for the review!
Hey there!
The idea was strange indeed, as most of our dreams are weird and doesn't make much sense. I liked the way the cousins acted robotic and indifferent, that was creepy. I thought they were going to attack the protagonist. I wish it was explained why Ben was the only one who acted like himself, and why he had red eyes.
I noticed one thing. (please don't take offense as I say this)
This sentence where you described the behavior of the cousins:
“To formal, to indifferent, to robotic.”
I think it may have escaped your notice, it's supposed to be : “Too formal, too indifferent, too robotic.”
You have already mentioned you don't write horror stories, but I think this was a good approach.
Keep writing!