There is a chilly breeze that ruffles the streets, the rustling of leaves as they fall lightly onto the roads below. The smell of concrete fills the world, as a Grandma and Grandson play on a sidewalk.
One or two people pass by. The women winces at the sound of cars rushing along the highway.
The boy is playing with chalk. The colors get everywhere; on his shirt, on his pants, on his hands.
He scribbles senseless pictures, abstract in a way only a child his age could manage. A vague impression of a sun, an imprint of the sea, all tangling together into a mess.
But he's proud.
He grins from ear to ear as he presents it to his Grandma. She smiles, encouraging and complimenting his art.
Someday, years from now, this will be a vague memory. He will remember the flashes of color, the shape of a sun, the sea, the sparkles of joy caught in the wind.
The Women sits on the edge, watching her Grandson draw.
She smiles, if sadly, as she reflects on her childhood
But it quickly fades away, as once again she is back in the gray, gray world.
She was fighting with her daughter. Shouts and curses had suddenly fallen silent, the phone laying still in her pocket.
Her hand flickers to it, and she wonders if she should call her, apologize, beg for forgiveness-
But now was not the time for that.
Because any moment now, she would hear back from the doctor.
Her hands began to shake, a cold dread filled her, freezing her from the inside and out.
Then, there was a tug at her sleeve.
"Granny, look!"
The little sunbeam pointed at his newest sketch, "I drew us!"
The women held back her tears as she beheld the drawing. By no means was it good, but it was bright, it was happy, and it was colorful, standing as a beacon against the gray backdrop.
She reached out, and hugged her Grandson, "It's so good!" She said, "I love it so much, thank you!"
And in that moment, both before all the hardships to come, and after the skies had darkened, the women realized.
In between the bitterness of life, there was always love.
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140,481 Literary Works • 673,249 Reviews
I'm not crying, you're crying.
Wow. Okay. Excellent job describing the surroundings. I love the poetic-ness of this. I love how this feels like a snapshot, a picture that was taken that someone is now looking back on. I adore the ending sentences. I just. I love all of this! The only thing I can think to add is saying "she smiles sadly" instead of "she smiles, if sadly" but I know someone already commented on that.
Good job again!!!
-BD
I love the immediate poetic descriptions of the bleak world around the characters and how the characters themselves are the ones bringing the color into their gray world. It pulled me in right away. I also loved the way you talked about the child's memories and innocence. I also love how it starts zoomed in and focused on the little boy, pulls out in to the grandmother's thoughts and memories, and then comes back in. I felt like I was there and completely immersed into the story when the mother and daughter were fighting. The last line was perfect. It pulled the story into a full circle matching the theme of darkness but them being the light. I was just a little confused when it briefly mentioned waiting on a doctor to call. It almost seemed like it was hinting at a time limit. Like maybe the grandmother was going to be dying and needed to make amends with her daughter first? I just feel like I needed more there. Also, is the daughter she is fighting with the mother of the grandson she is with? All in all, I really enjoyed reading it. Your writing is very good at evoking very specific emotions and I cannot wait to read more of your stuff. I would also like to say that I feel like this short is the perfect length. It isn't so long that you get bored but it is long enough that it isn't lacking substance and emotion.
-j
also twice you used "women" when you should have used woman
This was an incredibly beautiful and emotional piece despite the author's goal of practicing descriptions. Your story carries a great message and I applaud you for it. As some people have said, keeping concise yet visual descriptions is the best way to go and is something you can improve with practice. Overall, an emotional, elegant piece. Keep it up, I hope to see more work from you in the future!
Heyo, a Floating Eldritch Tome here with a review.
Straight off the bat, you can tell you are describing everything nicely. While you describe a lot, however, you need to be careful not to go too far.
If you describe too much, it feels forced. You need a good balance.
Example:
"On top of the rough, dark oak table, there were ten candles. The one on the far left was melted more than the others, its wax dripping onto the wood. Around the circular table, there were ten chairs, each with three legs. They looked more like barstools...."
With that, you can tell that it goes too far. You could halve the length of that and get a better description.
Whew. After that, I want to clarify that I think you did a pretty good job describing. Other than a few grammatical errors, it was very nice and I think pretty emotional.
All in all, a great short story!
~Zacharias Drake.
Thank you for the review!
Hello!!Here for a review! I am reviewing your work for the first time, I guess.
Can u put an ‘a’ before chalk or maybe just add a ‘s’ with chalk and make it chalks. I think that sounds better.
Will not could be can?
Women will be woman.
This line seems a bit vague. I think it will be ‘she smiles, sadly, as if she...’
The rest was awesome! It portrays love and happiness in between the bitterness of life. I really liked it! Keep writing.
Thanks for pointing that out!
Hi, Pineapple here for a little review.
Wow, this was a great short story! It was emotional and realistic. The imagery and description you used were fantastic.
I could relate to it a little. It had a vague nostalgic feeling. We all have had that moment where we show an older relative our art and they give us encouragement. So I really liked that part.
The moral throughout the story was beautiful as well. The grandmother was having a bad day and going through a hard time with her daughter. Yet, the boy brightened up her day. He was the light in her darkness if you will.
This was a great short story. I hope you keep writing because this was amazing.
Signed,
Pineapple
Thank you!