Dear children, gather around, and heed my warning of woe. There is a demon out there. He wears a deep red cape. He lives in a frosty wasteland, almost as cold as his heart. His eyes are as dark as the coal he uses to try and melt the soul that froze over so long ago.
We know him by one name only, but please, children, do not ask me to speak it! For he is always listening for someone who dares utter his name.
Fear not, children, he can only ride when the clock strikes midnight tonight, for that is when the winter is coldest, and he has finally broken free from his icy prison.
When we hear the bell ring, he will ride across the dark blue sky, upon his steeds of iron hoof. He holds a bag so big, it could fit all of you, and more in it.
Because, my young ones, the Demon escapes his prison on this night for one reason only; to steal away naughty children, so he can feed upon their souls, and sustain himself for another year.
Oh, do not cry, child. As long as you have been a good, well behaved little boy (and return those cookies you stole) The demon shall not come.
It is time I bid you all goodnight. But remember to sleep with one eye, and one ear open, for the Demon sees you when you're sleeping, and knows when you're awake.
Keep your eye open to see if you can catch him through your window, so you have time to run, keep your ear open, so if you hear the pounding of his steeds hooves overhead, you can prepare your final prayer.
Sleep tight, everyone, there will be a hailstorm tonight.
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140,481 Literary Works • 673,249 Reviews
Hi! I came across this story and it seemed interesting, so I'll leave a review.
"Dear children, gather around, and heed my warning of woe. There is a demon out there. He wears a deep red cape. He lives in a frosty wasteland, almost as cold as his heart. His eyes are as dark as the coal he uses to try and melt the soul that froze over so long ago."
This is a good introductory, but it is a tad choppy. There are too many descriptive sentences separated by periods.
A better way to write it would be like this:
"Dear children, gather around, and heed my warning of woe. A demon resides out there who wears a red cape. For he lives in a frosty wasteland, almost as cold as his heart. The oblivion of his eyes are as dark as the coal he uses to try and melt the soul that froze over so long ago."
Using the words like 'For' and 'The oblivion of' instead of leaving every sentence starting with 'He' and 'His' is more natural and will help keep a reader reading.
I have no objection to the setting or development; it seems very good to me.
In my opinion, the parentheses in the fourth to last paragraph is a bit out of character. To explain further, it was obvious that you were attempting at a joke, and it was a good pun. The problem is that it doesn't connect to the rest of the story. All the other paragraphs leading to it have a ominous hint at it (Which I loved so much!), as if the demon were right there, watching the children. The joke was fine, but unnecessary, and halted the flow of your story.
Overall, this is a very good introduction, but it has a little room for improvement.
Thank you for taking the time to read my review. I hope you are satisfied with this review. If not, sorry.
Great story! Can't wait for the next part!
-Yoshi
P.S. Ignore this if the quotes work, but does someone know how to quote text from entries? Because I have no idea how.
Hey @Horisun, I saw you didn't get a review, so I'm here to aid that!
Minor Corrections
I think you're missing a 'them' after 'uses'.
Don't ask me why, but I think the 'who dares utter his name' winds down the strength of the sentence. It sorta feels like it was added at the last minute, which ends the paragraph at an awkward ending. I suggest replacing 'who dares utter his name' with 'to utter it' or something of the sort. Maybe 'to foolishly utter it' or 'to dare utter it'. Any way as long as it closes on 'it'.
I don't think you need a comma after 'you'.
Because you said he escapes for one reason, the reasoning behind that reason seems like more reasons, (I saw an opportunity and took it
You see? Of course you can phrase it any way you want, but this would probably be the most simple.
Because you capitalized the 't' in 'the', I believe you're missing a comma after 'boy' and another after the closing parenthesis.
I simply loved that first line where you mixed in the common 'eyes and ears open' and applied it to the song, but I'm not sure if that second paragraph did it justice. It felt unnecessary and repetitive.
Major Corrections
None! Overall, it was a lovely twist on the classic Santa tale.
In closing, while there was a few minor corrections, they could easily be overlooked in spite of the creative storytelling. You weren't overly descriptive, (or under descriptive), and gave a certain charm with the way its told. My only real problem is that I willingly read a Christmas story in October!
Hey @Horisun, I saw you didn't get a review, so I'm here to aid that!
Minor Corrections
I think you're missing a 'them' after 'uses'.
Don't ask me why, but I think the 'who dares utter his name' winds down the strength of the sentence. It sorta feels like it was added at the last minute, which ends the paragraph at an awkward ending. I suggest replacing 'who dares utter his name' with 'to utter it' or something of the sort. Maybe 'to foolishly utter it' or 'to dare utter it'. Any way as soon as it closes on 'it'.
I don't think you need a comma after 'you'.
Because you said he escapes for one reason, the reasoning behind that reason seems like more reasons, (I saw an opportunity and took it ;D). Though, since I understood that it wasn't on purpose, I can recommend that you rephrase it the way I will below.
You see? Of course you can phrase it any way you want, but this would probably be the most simple.
Because you capitalized the 't' in 'the', I believe you're missing a comma after 'boy' and another after the closing parenthesis.
I simply loved that first line where you mixed in the common 'eyes and ears open' and applied it to the song, but I'm not sure if that second paragraph did it justice. It felt unnecessary and repetitive.
Major Corrections
None! Overall, it was a lovely twist on the classic Santa tale.
In closing, while there was a few minor corrections, they could easily be overlooked in spite of the creative storytelling. You were overly descriptive, (or under descriptive), and gave a certain charm with the way its told. My only real problem is that I willingly read a Christmas story in October!
I like this
This is a good child's story
This is a lot like the story my grandmother used to tell me. ‘Don’t be naughty! Or the demon will come and get you.’
My very favourite line was:
‘ As long as you have been a good, well behaved little boy (and return those cookies you stole) The demon shall not come.’