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It Is Coming...

by Horisun


It's coming...

My hear beat fast, sweat slipping down into my eyes, tears pouring down my cheeks and thudding against the floor. I ran, but his footsteps never seemed to fade.

"Aura, Aura," his voice called.

"NO!" I cried, turning every corner, feet thudding against the ground.

"Aura," he said.

I turned the corner, and thudded against him.

"Aura," he whispered, "It is time."

"No," I clutched my head, dropping to my knees.

"Summer is over."

I screamed.


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32 Reviews


Points: 86
Reviews: 32

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Fri Aug 30, 2019 6:42 pm
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Miraculor77 wrote a review...



Hi!
First off, this piece is extremely relatable. :) I felt the main character's sorrow at the end of summer.
I couldn't find anything particularly wrong with the writing, but I wanted to point out some instances where you could have used better words:

My hear beat fast, sweat slipping down into my eyes, tears pouring down my cheeks and thudding against the floor.

I think you meant the "heart" instead of "hear."
The word "thudding" seems strange as it is describing tears falling. Tears are not solid, and they don't make a thudding sound. The word "dripping" would be better suited to the sentence.

I turned the corner, and thudded against him.

The word "thudded" seems strange here, too. You could replace the bolded phrase with "plowed into" or "knocked into" for sake of smoothness and variety.

That's all I have. :D

Keep writing,
Mira




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412 Reviews


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Thu Aug 29, 2019 12:30 am
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Tuckster wrote a review...



Hey there Horisun! Tuck stopping by for a quick review.

"Aura, Aura," his voice called.
"His voice called" is somewhat redundant. Obviously it's his voice doing the calling, so you don't need to state it twice. "He called" is perfectly sufficient.

The first thing I noticed, which is somewhat of a small grammatical nitpick, is that you used the word "thudding" a lot. You can replace some of those instances with "pounding", "hitting", "bumped", "landed on", etc. I would recommend that you only use the word "thudding" once since this is such a short piece.

Another recommendation I have for you is that you make this longer. Usually I tell writers to be as brief as possible, but especially with horror (even though this is humorous), the real horror comes in the details, the thudding of the heart against the chest, the racing pulse, the blood pounding in ears, the creaking floorboards, etc. It would also make this poem more dramatic and raise the suspense, which would in turn make the grand reveal even more dramatic and more of a twist.

I really liked the last two lines. It felt like it concluded the piece well; it delivered the twist ending, and then the final line wrapped it up so it didn't feel like it was lacking. It gave it some finality and brought the final theme of horror to a close. It was really well done!

Hopefully this review was helpful, although I'll admit it was brief. I did my best to give you some valuable feedback that I hope you'll be able to use while you're editing and in your future writing projects. If you have any questions please let me know and I'll be happy to help.

All my best,
Tuck




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14 Reviews


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Sun Aug 25, 2019 3:07 am
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AndName wrote a review...



Helllllo
This reads like a poem, but in a good way. The word 'thud' repeated seemed off, but the end makes it funny, like a lead up to the punch line. In the beginning the word 'ran' also stood out since this is written in past tense. When I write I focus more on the story than proper grammar and what not, so just wanted to point that out if it wasn't intended.
Great story!

AndName




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12 Reviews


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Reviews: 12

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Sat Aug 24, 2019 10:37 am
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saint1y wrote a review...



Ya girl Saint1y here to review B)

I actually like this. Is it meant to be someone's horror of going back to school?
I like the rhythm of it, how its actually like a scene in a horror movie where they're running away from the ghost or monster.

The only problem I have with this would be that you use the word "thudding" too much. It makes it lose its sense of realism.
Maybe try changing it to 'dripping' or 'sounding' 'hitting'
Just some suggestions.
Apart from that, I really like it.
Keep writing and feel free to drop me a message if you need anything (::





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