z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Transformation

by Horisun


I laid sprawled out in my bed, feeling especially tired today. My alarm was beeping like crazy, so I started to reach over to turn off the alarm, I stretched, but I couldn't quite make my nightstand, and tumbled out of bed.

"Ow." I groaned, reluctantly opening my eyes. 

Then, I saw the unthinkable.

"OH my fricking GOD! What in the seven Harry POTTER books?! OMG!"

For you see, dear reader, I had a tail, a snout, and was a terrible, awful shade of pink.

"MOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, trying to scurry to my feet, but only succeeding in falling over.

I heard hurried footsteps, as my Mom threw open the door. Her eyes landed on the little pink pig where her daughter should be. Her eyes were wide for a moment, before she casually leaned against the wall, a smile on her face.

"MOM! I'm a flipping PIG! HEEELLPPPP MEEEEE!" I howled, rolling around, trying to wake myself up.

My Mom just grinned even more, and said, "Oh, Elizabeth, don't worry, this is perfectly normal."

I stared at her for a moment, in utter shock, before waving my legs around and shouting; "WHAT PART OF THIS IS NORMAL?"

My Mom walked over, and sat next to me, patted my head, "It's all a part of growing up."

I could've laughed, "Excuse mwa?"

She continued; "You may be noticing some changes-"

"Yes, I MAY!"

"-and they may be scary, and you'll have a lot of questions-"

"I CERTAINLY DO!"

"-but know that I'm here for you if you need me. Your body will sort itself out in time. All these changes are just what we call puberty." My Mom smiled at me, and hugged me tight, before getting up, and walking out the door, calling out, "Now get ready for school, and if you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask!"

I sat there for a long, long moment, before muttering to myself, "You don't understand, Mom."

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114 Reviews

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Reviews: 114

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Sat Apr 11, 2020 10:03 am
Necromancer14 wrote a review...



Hehe! This was absolutely hilarious!

Here's my review:

This was awesome. Comedy wise, that is. I like how she turns into a pig and her Mom's all like "Oh, it's called puberty, darling." It was HILARIOUS! The only thing I would say would be to check it over for grammar, because you made a few grammar mistakes.

I laid sprawled out in my bed, feeling especially tired today. My alarm was beeping like crazy, so I started to reach over to turn off the alarm, I stretched, but I couldn't quite make my nightstand, and tumbled out of bed.


This whole section is has a lot of things that are grammatically incorrect. Here's an edited version: "I lay, sprawled out in my bed, feeling especially tired today. My alarm was beeping like crazy, so I started to reach over to turn it off. I stretched, but I couldn't quite make my nightstand, so I tumbled out of bed."

"OH my fricking GOD! What in the seven Harry POTTER books?! OMG!"


This was hilarious. I like how you brought up Harry Potter, too.

For you see, dear reader, I had a tail, a snout, and was a terrible, awful shade of pink


Though this is again hilarious how you address the reader and everything, you need "I" after "and" and before "was." e.g. "...snout, and I was a terrible..."

Her eyes were wide for a moment, before she casually leaned against the wall, a smile on her face.


This was super humorous. The story just gets better and better.

"MOM! I'm a flipping PIG! HEEELLPPPP MEEEEE!" I howled, rolling around, trying to wake myself up.

My Mom just grinned even more, and said, "Oh, Elizabeth, don't worry, this is perfectly normal."


SO FUNNY.

"Yes, I MAY!"

"-and they may be scary, and you'll have a lot of questions-"

"I CERTAINLY DO!"


This was great dialogue. Actually, all of your dialogue was really well done.

So in conclusion, you did really well on dialogue and the general story and humor, but your weakness seems to be grammar, which is easy enough to fix though. And maybe description, but in humorous short stories you don't really need descriptions as much. And the descriptions you DID have were funny ones, which, "funny" is the whole point in humor anyway. I really enjoyed reading this, it was smart and funny, so well done.

Well, that's my review! I hope it was helpful.




Horisun says...


Thank you for the review!



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64 Reviews

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Reviews: 64

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Wed Apr 08, 2020 1:04 am
QuoolQuo wrote a review...



Ahoy hoy,

This is a short funny story which made me a chuckle a little, and seeing as it is so short there isn't really that much of it for me to review because it's all pretty good by my standards. I'd say a thing or two about grammar but there are definitely other people on here who could handle that better than me. Anyway, i will try my best to give a general comment or two to your lovely little story.

First off, the only thing that I felt was wrong with this was that it ended too soon and no apparent explanation was given. Now I can understand the lack of an explanation seeing as this is a short story and exposition isn't the most important thing in the world, but a problem was introduced (her turning into a pig) and then no resolution was offered that was overly satisfying. Basically what I'm saying is that you have a lot of ways to extend this concept into a slightly longer and more contained short story.
For example, when she get's to school how do people react? are they like her mum and just say that she's going through changes?

And that's about all I can say. The story is fine as it is, it just feels a tad incomplete but its your work so you can do whatever you want with it.

I enjoyed reading it and have a nice day,
- H.G




Horisun says...


Thank you for the review!



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455 Reviews

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Tue Apr 07, 2020 8:10 pm
Hijinks wrote a review...



Hi Horisun!

This is a very fun story, and also super random. But good random. And a very interesting read!

So, to jump into the review.

Below is a spoiler of grammar, spelling, and wording suggestions. Any sentences highlighted in red I will explain separately.

Spoiler! :

I laid sprawled out in my bed, feeling especially tired today. My alarm was beeping like crazy, so I started to reach over to turn off the alarm, I stretched, but I couldn't quite make my nightstand, and tumbled out of bed.

"Ow." I groaned, reluctantly opening my eyes.

Then, I saw the unthinkable. I would use a word like "noticed", because it's not like she saw herself except for her arms/legs.

"OH my fricking GOD! What in the seven Harry POTTER books?! OMG!"

For you see, dear reader, I had a tail, a snout, and was a terrible, awful shade of pink.

"MOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, trying to scurry to my feet, but only succeeding in falling over. Do pigs scurry? I personally think of squirrels using that word. Maybe use "roll onto" or something similar instead.

I heard hurried footsteps, asnd my Mom threw open the door. Her eyes landed on the little pink pig where her daughter should be. Her eyes were wide for a moment, before she casually leaned against the wall, a smile on her face. Probably more like door frame?

"MOM! I'm a flipping PIG! HEEELLPPPP MEEEEE!" I howled, rolling around, trying to wake myself up add: out of this horrible dream.

My Mom just grinned even more, and said, "Oh, Elizabeth, don't worry, this is perfectly normal."

I stared at her for a moment, in utter shock, before waving my legs around and shouting; "WHAT PART OF THIS IS NORMAL?" use a colon [:], not a semicolon [;].

My Mom walked over, and sat next to me, patted my head, "It's all a part of growing up."

I could've laughed, "Excuse mwa?"

She continued; "You may be noticing some changes-" again, colon [:]

"Yes, I MAY!"

"-and they may be scary, and you'll have a lot of questions-"

"I CERTAINLY DO!"

"-but know that I'm here for you if you need me. Your body will sort itself out in time. All these changes are just what we call puberty." My Mom smiled at me, and hugged me tight, before getting up, and walking out the door, calling out, "Now get ready for school, and if you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask!"

I sat there for a long, long moment, before muttering to myself, "You don't understand, Mom."


Here's the spoiler of the highlighted sentences:
Spoiler! :

"...so I started to reach over to turn off the alarm, I stretched, but I couldn't quite make my nightstand, and tumbled out of bed."

I would recommend rewording the sentence so it's less run-on with all those commas.
You could try something along the lines of, "so I stretched to turn off the alarm, but couldn't quite reached, and tumbled out of bed."


"For you see, dear reader, I had a tail, a snout, and was a terrible, awful shade of pink."

So many commas! You could reword it like this: "For you see, dear reader, I had turned an awful shade of pink, and had grown a snout and a tail." That's still a little awkward, but a little bit more succinct.


"-but know that I'm here for you if you need me. Your body will sort itself out in time. All these changes are just what we call puberty." My Mom smiled at me, and hugged me tight, before getting up, and walking out the door, calling out, "Now get ready for school, and if you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask!"

The red part is what I find, again, to be very saturated in commas. You could alter it to be more along the lines of: "My mom smiled and hugged me, before getting up and leaving, saying" or something like that.



So that's my review! I hope it didn't seem harsh. Most of the stuff I brought up was nitpicky; on a whole, the story is very entertaining and well written.
Keep writing!
Whatchamacallit




Horisun says...


Thanks for the review!




“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables