z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Limitless Imagaination

by Horisun


A long lost land,

that helps me stand.

It steadies me,

Its my sanctuary.

I love it like-

"Aron!"

Aron jumped out of his daydreams, Lilly was jumping up and down next to him.

"Lets go outside! Come on!" Lilly grabbed his hand. Aron felt his cheeks burn.

"Yeah, lets go!"

Lilly lead him out to the 'Magic Forest' as they called it, even though it was really just a empty lot. She lead Aron to the castle that they had built from twigs in leaves, it reminded Aron of a squirrels burrow. Lilly stopped in front of it, and turned to face Aron.

"Titan, King of the Dwarves, welcome to the Magic Forest." She bowed down low enough that her nose would've touched the ground if she went any lower, as it was, the tips of her curly blond hair was coated in mud.

"Regal, Queen of the Elves, welcome to the Magic Forest." He bowed too low, and they bonked heads.

"Ow." They both said, rubbing their heads, before laughing hysterically.

"Come on." Lilly grinned, which Aron happily returned. They crawled through the entrance into the castle. The mess of leaves and dirt floor melted into tall ceilings, and beautiful marble floors. The two sticks cast aside in the corner became a sword made from sea green crystals, and the other became a long staff, with vines weaving around it.

Aron looked out the stained window, acres of forest, distant mountains, flying dragons, and beautiful villages. A massive weight was lifted from his shoulders. He stood straighter, his muscles bulged, he knew he could lift a boulder if he wanted.

But the thing that made him feel strongest wasn't all that, it was the hand in his, it was warm, and strong. He turned to face Regal, she had long, dark braids with cozy brown eyes that held him like a embrace.

"We're home."

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
935 Reviews

Points: 2806
Reviews: 935

Donate
Mon Jan 21, 2019 4:58 am
View Likes
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Horisun,

Shady here with a review for you this fine evening! I can't recall if I've reviewed for you or not in the past, but my general style tends to be making comments as I read about anything that stands out to me (both positive and negative!) and then giving a general summary of my thoughts at the end. Let's get started...

Aron jumped out of his daydreams, Lilly was jumping up and down next to him.


Watch word repetition in close proximity to one another. You have the same thing a few lines down with using "lead" several times in a row. In general you want to try to vary your vocabulary so that you're not using the same word over and over. Here isn't terrible since it's "jumped" vs "jumping" but it's still basically the same word, and one that can be easily changed. You could use for him: "started" "tensed" "was yanked from his daydreams" etc. Or for her have her bouncing next to him etc. But I'd change one so that you don't have the repetition of words.

~ ~ ~

Aww, this was really adorable. I really liked this <3

A couple of general suggestions would be to make clearer the ages and relationship of Aron and Lilly. At first I thought it was a mid teenage boy and his significantly younger little sister (like 15 and 9 sort of thing), with them playing together. But then the last two paragraphs makes it sound like it's a bit more romantic and now I'm just really not sure if it's a crush situation or if they're siblings, and I also have no idea what their ages are and I think that if we cleared up those issues then this would make more sense.

You also have a couple of grammatical issues. Nothing hugely major, but like one specific example I noticed was a "Lets go" when it should be "Let's go." I know that grammatical reviews aren't always the most helpful, especially when you're looking for big-picture feedback, so I won't mention the others -- but if you go through to edit this piece in the future I'd suggest trying to comb through it to weed out a few more of those typos.

Otherwise, great story! It was really adorable and I enjoyed reading it!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




Random avatar

Points: 739
Reviews: 14

Donate
Mon Jan 21, 2019 3:59 am
Etteim wrote a review...



Hi, Horisun.

I liked the way you blended reality with fiction throughout the story, especially towards the end. The creativity and description that painted the setting was nice, I just wish there was a bit more. I would've liked some more depth or information to the fantasy world that the two had created, but it's still good. I was kind of confused with the lines in the beginning though - what are they supposed to mean?

-

Aron jumped out of his daydreams, Lilly was jumping up and down next to him.


I think a period should seperate these two statements for them to make sense.

Lilly lead him out to the 'Magic Forest' as they called it, even though it was really just a empty lot. She lead Aron to the castle that they had built from twigs in leaves, it reminded Aron of a squirrels burrow.


Both 'lead's should be 'led' since this is in past tense. Also, similar to the same issue from before, the last sentence should have a semicolon separating the two independent statements.

Lilly stopped in front of it, and turned to face Aron.


You don't need a comma before the 'and'.

She bowed down low enough that her nose would've touched the ground if she went any lower, as it was, the tips of her curly blond hair was coated in mud.


I'm not exactly sure what you were going for with this sentence, even after reading it multiple times. It just doesn't really flow and it honestly confused me.

The mess of leaves and dirt floor melted into tall ceilings, and beautiful marble floors.


Again, you don't need a comma before the 'and'.

Aron looked out the stained window, acres of forest, distant mountains, flying dragons, and beautiful villages.


Is he looking out of all of the listed things, or is he just seeing those things from outside the window? If he's seeing them, it would be helpful to add 'and saw' after he looked out the window.

-

I hope I don't seem too nitpicky with my comments; I generally enjoyed the story. I hope what I pointed out was helpful to you. Keep up the good work!

-Etteim

P.S. - There's a typo in the title.




Horisun says...


Thanks for the review!




He began to wonder why he had felt uneasy at all. It was like a man wondering in broad daylight why a dream had appeared so terrible to him at night.
— Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart