When Your Name Is A Lie

Hi, pelsteam here with a review.

Baroness ran through the woods, branches tearing at her dress, and ripping into her skin. But she kept going, even as she misplaced her foot, fire shooting up her leg.

Definitely an interesting start, but I’d cut out some of these commas. You don’t need one between “dress” and “and”, nor “kept going” and “even as”. Maybe you could also expand this a little to give more of a sense of fear; we don’t spend enough time with her to feel fear for her as she misplaces her foot.

If she could just get away, she could prove the Prophet a fraud. Her name was meaningless. She would not lead those blind worshippers.

I’m guessing these pronouns refer to the Prophet but I’m a little confused.

She paused, and leaned against the tree, coming to a thud beneath it. Sweat was trickling down her face, and her heart was fighting to break free of her chest.

I’d suggest using perfect tense here (e.g. “sweat trickled down her face”, “her heart fought to break free”) as it has more punch.

Baroness took a long gulp of water

From where? I assumed a waterskin or something, but it could equally be a water bottle or even a puddle.

With a hint of annoyance, Prophet turned to face the girls family. Oven, Baker, and Flour.

I love these names, but I’m a little lost as to who they are besides her family. Baker is the mother and Flour the sister, I think? Maybe make their kinship a little clearer, especially since Baroness’s name is so at odds with the other three names.

The crowd whispered, shifting with fear, as Prophet turned.

You used the verb “turned” two paragraphs ago. Do you mean she’s turning away from the crowd, as she’s already turned herself towards them? Or do you mean she transformed?

Thank goodness, thought Prophet, it was a bear.

I’ve read this a couple of times but I’m still confused by this ending. So Prophet was a bear (and a liar?) and attacked Baroness, but I’m not sure of the implications of what Prophet is thinking here. I sort of interpreted it as maybe Prophet was worried she might turn into something else but I don’t think I really understand.

Overall, this does seem like an interesting concept but I’m a bit puzzled by what’s going on. My feedback would be to flesh this out a little more; it doesn’t need to explain everything but perhaps just to be a little less ambiguous on the ending (I feel like if you’re looking to be vague in the rest of the story, the ending should tie everything up in a satisfying manner). It really does feel like there’s a lot of interesting ideas here that haven’t quite made it through the text.

I’d also suggest adding more of an emotional tie to the characters, as previously stated. You do a good job of showing Baroness’s emotions but we don’t linger very long on her fear. You could definitely expand on this if you wanted to.

Hopefully this is helpful!