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Young Writers Society


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Mission Earthling, Arrival (Part One)

by Horisun


So, first off, this is labeled as 'Romance' But there is non until later parts. So I'm not sure if I should change that or not. Second, I just want to give you a heads up, that I'm only planning for this to be five chapters, at most, and three chapters at the least, so I can dedicate time to my novel, and posts will be widely spaced because of this. Just a heads up. Also, constructive criticism is welcome. I've gone through it, but I might have missed some things.

With that out of the way, I hope you enjoy!

Sa-Laura could barely keep still! Her first mission! She'd get to see all the animals she'd only seen pictures of!

"Sit still, Dear. Do you want to be eaten by the humans?" Ma-Lee said. "I still can't believe you accepted!" Sa-Laura didn't answer. She had been preparing for weeks! Learning English, practicing human behaviors, everything!

"There, Dear." Ma-Lee said, as she dabbed on the last of the makeup. The makeup used to disguise the Aireens would only come off with their human makeup remover. Sa-Laura looked into the mirror, she gasped. A total stranger was standing there. Cloths had covered up her third and forth arm and her bug like wings. A glove hid her hand that only had four fingers, a mask covered her third, fourth, and last eye, which were bright blue. For her first two, specially engineered glasses made her eyes look human. Her neon yellow skin was covered in tan makeup, and her hair was dyed blond. Sa-Laura glared at the reflection

"Wow, you've really outdone yourself." Said Sa-Laura, frowning. Ma-Lee nodded.

"Just doing my job. Now go see the court, their waiting for you." Ma-Lee said. Sa-Laura hopped from foot to foot, smiling. She skipped to the large doors, and took a breath, before pushing the doors open. Sitting on a raised platform were the six elders. She noticed there was a empty seat where a elder should have been, though she didn't have time to dwell on the matter.

"Sa-Laura, from the Leaf Tribe. Are you ready to carry through with Mission Earthling?" Asked a orange elder with a high pitched voice. She looked older then Sa-Lauras great Grandmother.

"Yes, of course." 

"To bring back twenty Earthlings for our study, five old, five middle aged, and ten children within twenty Earth months on your arrival?" The elder asked. 

"I'm ready!" Sa-Laura exclaimed. Each of the Elders smiled at her, a younger gentleman handed her a pamphlet.

"You will be riding the Earth Express, you will arrive at Earth in five days. You are paired with Ori and Tear-Ridder. Your commander is Ni-Cole. You will be sent to the United States, Indiana, to capture twenty Earthlings. It will be difficult." He said. Sa-Laura nodded. "You will be called Laura Well-Bringer during your time on there." He handed her a small device. Laura stared at it, and cocked her head to the side. "Its called a wallet. Inside you will find a credit card and your ID." He said. Sa-Laura, now just Laura, nodded.

"Beware the humans, they are cruel and unfeeling. Don't let neither their tears nor their laughs lure you into their web." One of the elders warned. Laura felt a lump form in her throat.

"I'm ready." She said. The elders nodded.

"Your friends and family are outside, you may say goodbye before you board." Said one of the Elders. Laura nodded. "You may exit that way." She pointed to a back door, Laura waved at them as she exited. They didn't even spare her a glance.

Warmth spread from the two suns, and creeped up Lauras skin.

"Sa-Laura?" Someone asked. She looked away from the sky. E-Rin looked at her hopefully. His eyes were like thousands of emeralds, his wings were see-through, and his grass green skin was bright and full. She mustered a slight smile.

"Its me." E-Rin grinned. 

"Finally, I've asked sixteen people so far. You look beautiful, you know." E-Rin said. Laura frowned.

"I'm a human. All humans are ugly monsters.A least I don't have to see myself." E-Rin shrugged.

"Before I go, could I ask you something?" He asked. Laura shrugged.

"Be my guest." She said. E-Rin leaned forward.

"Do you like me?" He asked softly, he grabbed her around the waist, but Laura shoved him away.

"No- Just, no. I'm sorry." Laura walked away, not even looking back, she rubbed where he had touched her ruefully, and wrinkled her nose.

"Sa-Laura?" 

"Go away, E-Rin!" Laura shouted.

"You didn't think you were going to leave without saying goodbye, darling, did you?" Asked her mom. Laura turned, and grinned at the sight of her mom, she hugged her mom tight.

"Sorry, mom. E-Rin tried to kiss me." Laura mimed barfing, but her mom frowned at her.

"Ma-Lee did a great job dressing you up. Look at you! I only knew it was you by how you were walking, you always hold up your chin, and you have a slight hop!" Lauras mom said. 

"I look ugly."

"The point of the disguise isn't to look pretty, its to hide you, silly." Her mom said.

"Is Father here?" Laura asked hopefully. Her mom bit her lip.

"I'm sorry, honey, he had to work-" 

"All Mission Earthlings, aboard the ship at once!" Shouted somebody. Laura sighed.

"I better go, mom. I'll miss you!" Butterflies began to fly around in her stomach, she hugged her mother one last time.

"I'll miss you too." Her mom had tears in her eyes as she handed Laura a backpack. "I'll miss you so much, stay safe." She kissed Laura on her forehead and waved. Laura waved back. She ran towards the ship, finally taking it all in. It was a huge metal craft, it was smooth, and had long, wide windows. She looked at her mom one last time before boarding the ship. Inside was a small room, with a Aireen directing the Mission Earthlings to their rooms.

"Name?" The guide asked tonelessly, her blood red eyes scanning a paper.

"Human or Aireen?"  Laura asked.

"Human." Said the guide. Laura cleared her throat.

"I'm Laura Well-Bringer." The guide flipped through the pages.

"Room 18, ninth door on the Left. Food will be delivered to your door every four hours between the hours of 8:00 am and 8:00 pm." She glanced up at Laura. "Human time." She said.

"Thank you." Laura walked through the hallway to Room 18. She pushed the door open, inside was a large living area, there were five doors in the left wall. In the back was a window.

Laura was tackled by something, she squirmed and kicked her attacker. "Oh, its you! Guys, our fourth team member is here!" shouted a child like voice. Laura was released from her attacker grasp. She reached forward and grabbed her glasses, which had slipped off when she was tackled, before standing up and getting a good look at the girl in front of her. She was disguised as a human with bright green eyes, her glasses were round and had a thick rim, she was plump and short, but she obviously could put up a fight. Most noticeable about her appearance, however, was neon blue hair. Laura couldn't help but gape at her.

"Ori, did you tackle someone, again?" Said a harsh voice. Another person disguised as a human came out. He was tall, and he had large eyebrows, and a roughly shaved beard. He also had dark skin. Of course, he had glasses. which were square, and had a very thin rim.

"Sorry, Tear Ridder, they don't have a lock on the door, you never know who could come marching in!" Said Ori. Tear Ridder rolled his eyes.

"You must be Sa-Laura, I'm Tear-Ridder, but I guess for the mission you can call me-" He shivered. "James." Ori glared at him.

"Its not that bad of a name, I'm going to be called Marry For Twenty months! Marry!" Ori said.

James rolled his eyes. "You can call us whatever you prefer. What's your name?" James asked.

"Laura." Laura said. Ori gazed at her jealously.

"A least you get a almost normal name." She said.

"What's all this racket about?" Said a cranky voice. Another door swung open and out came a Aireen, this time, with no disguise. He was a shade of sickly purple, and had Glistening orange eyes, and one of his wing were broken off. He had a dagger in one of his many pockets. One of his hands was holding a cane, and two others were in the middle of a arm wrestle, well the fourth was cheering them on. Laura stared at him. She jumped as he caught sight of her.

"Now, I can never tell if their a human or not, are you Laura?" He croaked.

"Yes- Yes, sir!" Laura stuttered. The man broke into a grin, and fourth hand grabbed hers and shook it violently.

"Good, 'cause if you were a human, I'd have run you through with my dagger!" He laughed merrily as if he told a hilarious joke. Everyone laughed nervously.

"Come, take a seat by the window, we'll be taking off soon!" He said. "My names Ni-Cole, you can just call me Ni, everyone does. I hope you like everyone on your team, because we'll be working together for a while!" Ni said. Everyone sat in a spot where they could see the window. Laura felt she was about to explode! She was going to Earth! She would get to see all those strange aliens and prove to her Father...

No, Sa-Laura, that's not why your going. She told herself sternly. She was going to help her people and learn how to stop humans if they should invent space craft that could reach the Aireens. After all, they were only in a neighboring solar system. 

The speaker in the corner turned on. "Everyone please take a seat, we are preparing to take off. I repeat, we are preparing to take off, please take a seat." The speaker said. Lauras butterflies were flying so fast now, there was possibly a mini tornado going on inside her!

"Take off is in ten, nine, eight-" Everyone on Lauras team joined in. "-Sevan, six, five-" Laura gripped her seat in preparation. "-Four, three, two, one." Laura tensed. "Take off!" 

Laura felt dizzy as she watched the Aireens become smaller and smaller. All the green forests, and blue seas, she wouldn't see them again for awhile. Laura risked standing up and pressed her face up against the window, hoping to catch one last glance of her Mother, but by now, the Aireens was just another dot in the distance, she sighed and sat back down with her team.

"I'm going to miss that place." Ori said sadly. "All the forests, and my family." Ori looked up and smiled. "But don't look so down, we're going to Earth! Are you guys excited or what?" Ori switched into English, Laura stared at her, surprised. Ori saw her looking, and shrugged. "Might as well get used to it." 

Laura sighed. "Good point." She responded in English. "Where can I put my bag?" Laura asked. James gestured to one of the doors. 

"That will be your room." He said. Laura smiled and thanked him. 

Ni glanced away from the window, "Make sure you don't get too comfortable, you'll only be staying there for the trip. You will be living in a house the courts prepared for you. After all, it'd be weird if you went into the woods every night." Said Ni. Laura nodded and entered the room. It was empty besides a bed, which was made from leaves and moss, a drawer with a clock on it, and a mirror.

 Laura dropped her bag by the bed and went to the mirror first. She stared at her horrid reflection, she rubbed at her chin, but the color wouldn't come off. She slipped off her mask and gazed at her eyes. If a human saw them, her cover was blown, and the humans would eat her. Laura doubted the latter, but still, she couldn't believe anyone could fear something so Normal. She stared at her eyes a little longer, before slipping the mask back on.

Laura opened the bag, she found cloths for the next five days, she would be provided more when she arrived at Earth, a photo of her, her Mom, and... Her Dad. She didn't even get to see him before she left. 

Angry tears burned in her eyes. She removed the photo from the framed and tore her Father from the image. She stared at her work, a bitter taste was left in her mouth.

Laura slipped the image of her and her Mom back in the frame, she went through the rest of the pack and found soap, brushes, and so on. Laura looked at the clock, it was still pretty early, but she got up before the sun today, and her eyes felt heavy. She slipped into pajamas, and curled up in bed.

And for the next few days, the team fell into a routine, breakfast, plan, rest, lunch, practice, rest, dinner, plan, sleep. 

On the final day of the trip, after breakfast, Ni ordered everyone to pack their things. Laura was relieved. It was starting to get cramped, with the four of them. And using the same bathroom as James was awful!

It didn't take long for Laura to get ready, her things didn't spread very far. She sat on the couch with Ni. After five or ten minutes, everyone was present, Ni stood up and cleared his throat.

"We only have a few more hours of the trip, now, lets go over the plan one more time." Said Ni. The team groaned, but Ni ignored them.

"Ori, you will be a volunteer at a retirement home, and will study there behavior and take notes. You will stay with Terry Smith, who is part of the S.O.E, Study Of Earthlings. Tear Ridder, you will also be staying with a S.O.E member, Andrew Marcus, you will work as a fast food employee. Finally, Laura, you will be a volunteer at a preschool. And will be staying with Anne Rose. Every week, you will report to the spaceship to discuss your findings with first, our team, then the rest of our ships crew. Understand?" Asked Ni. The group nodded. Ni smiled. "You will be able to communicate with me whenever with these." He handed each of them ear pieces. "By just turning them on, it can pick up your voice, and I will hear you. Now, go rest up. We will be leaving soon." 

The team nodded and made their way to bed. But Laura couldn't sleep. Her eyes were wide with excitement. She imagined all the furry little animals. She'd seen some adorable pictures taken by humans. She smiled to herself. Maybe the S.O.E would let her bring one home. It wasn't the kind of hope she'd share with Ni, though.

It felt as though only a couple minutes passed when someone over the loudspeaker spoke.

"Attention all passengers, we will be landing shortly, please stay in your seats for your safety."

Laura looked for the loudspeaker. She hadn't actually seen it well she was here. She looked at the corner above her window and saw tiny holes in the spacecraft. She was confident that was where the sound came from.

Laura felt a jolt in her stomach. She wanted to sit up and look out the window so bad, but she stayed where she was. The engine of the Earthling Express didn't so much as groan as they came in contact with the ground.

"You may now leave the spacecraft."

Laura jumped to her feet and grabbed her bag before rushing out the door. James followed. He was gripping his stomach and looked slightly pale.

"Are you okay?" Laura asked, he shrugged.

"Of course." He said. He half shrugged and tried to look confident. 

Ori came out next, she was hopping from one foot to another. "Are you guys excited, or what?" She shouted.

"Do all of you remember-?" Ni started,

"Yes!" Everyone shouted. Butterflies took flight in Lauras stomach, begging to fly free. (And bring her breakfast with them) Laura bit her lip and she did a little tap dance with her feet. But she still held her chin up high.

"Then go! The S.O.E member you'll be staying with is waiting! Good luck, my friends!" Said Ni.

"Good luck to you, too." Everyone hugged Ni before rushing through the door. Laura glanced back at him, but he just waved. As she left, she realized that she ever asked what happened to his wing. Oh well, there's always the trip back.

"Laura Well-Bringer, James McDonald, and Mary Belle, please exit the ship from the North side" The speaker said. Laura was already there, however. The guide handed her seven pairs of day close and six pajamas, as well as one formal gown. Laura groaned. She couldn't even see past them.

"Have a good trip." Said the guide coldly. Laura smiled and walked down the steps carefully. Despite this, she tripped on the last step and fell forward. Someone caught her and set her back on her feet.

"Are you okay?" Asked someone. Laura looked up and saw a woman, a human. She shouted in surprise and balled her fists. Then she remembered that this was a Aireen in disguise.

"Sorry, thought you were a human." The woman laughed.

"Actually, I'm Anne Rose. I'm looking for Laura Well-Bringer. You don't happen to be her, do you?" She asked. Laura smiled.

"I am."

Anne turned out to be very nice, she talked a lot, and had great humor. She drove Laura to her house in something called a car. It was one of the things Laura had learned about before she left for Earth. Though they were very different in person.

"What's this?" Laura asked. She pointed to a wide hole in the door.

"That's a cup holder, its used for holding cups." Said Anne. Laura laughed.

"Interesting." She said.

"Funny what humans come up with, isn't it?" Said Anne. Laura raised an eyebrow.

"Their still dangerous." Laura said.

"Of course they are! That's why they need to be studied."

After a bit of a ride, they arrived at Anne's house. It was very different from the houses back at the Aireens, where a window would have been, a clear wall was, where a circular door frame was, there was a large, rectangle one. The roof was to perfect, and the walls to dull. It was horrible.

"Disgusting, isn't it?" Asked Anne. "But you'll get used to it."

Anne opened the door and lead Laura inside. the indoors was open, and the ceiling were high. A strange contraption hung from the ceiling. 

"Whats that?" She asked.

"A ceiling fan." Anne said. "Sure is a lot you don't get told about Earth before you leave."

There was a high pitch sound that echoed through the house. Laura screamed, until she saw what was making it.

"You've got a dog!?" She had only seen pictures, but she had never dreamed how cute they would be in person.

"This is Sam, he's a real sweetie. He's the only thing I'll miss when I leave." Said Anne. Sam looked like what the humans called a 'Yorkie' He was no higher then her knee. Laura bent low, and let Sam lick her. 

"He's so cute!" Said Laura.

Anne smiled. "Come on, let me show you your room."

Laura stood up slowly, Sam followed them to a small room with a bed and a closet, there was a bedside table, and some beautiful pictures on the wall, they were like nothing Laura had ever seen.

"Are those photos?" Asked Laura. Anne shook her head.

"Their paintings. I kind of picked up a hobby here. I guess Earth has some good things."

                                                                            

Laura could hardly sleep that night. Tomorrow was her first day! Laura thought of all the things that could go wrong. A student pulling off her mask, her makeup somehow washing off. What if a student could see right through her!? The possibilities were endless!

Dawn came, no matter how worried Laura was, but she wasn't about to give up. She thought of her Fathers frowning face when she had told him she had been accepted into a mission. I'm going to prove you wrong. 

Laura slipped into what seemed like a appropriate outfit, the shirt was bright orange with purple stripes, which were fluffy, and the leggings were a neon green. But when Anne saw her, she burst out laughing.

"What?" Laura asked, blushing.

Anne shook her head, a smile still on her face.

"Who on Earth would think that outfit would be a good idea?" Asked Anne.

Laura wrinkled her nose at Anne. "Earth?"

Anne sighed. "What are they doing in those Earth classes these days? Telling people that humans eat us?" Anne asked.

"They kind of do." Anne began laughing again.

"Go- Go change, people will be screaming about a alien invasion if they see you in that." Anne said, wiping tears from her eyes. 

Laura nodded sadly, she slowly hanged up her shirt and picked out another one, this one was a cool blue. She changed her pants, and found some baggy jeans. She glanced outside, hoping there was still a wisp of fall in the air.

Laura glanced at the clock, she was certain her heart had stopped. I'm going to be late! She ran out her bedroom.

"Anne, can you drive me?" Asked Laura. Anne laughed.

"How else did you expect to get there?" She glanced at the time.

"Holy lasagna, look at the time. We better get moving!" Both girls raced out the door, with Sam barking after them. They jumped in the car, and drove off.

"Its 6:51, the daycare in five minutes away, and you are also supposed to be there in four minutes!" Laura was biting her lip, praying she would make it in time.

Laura looked at Annes watch.

7:00

"We're here!" The car came to a halt. "I got to go, before I'm late. Go inside and talk to the receptionist, good luck!"

Laura thanked Anne and hurried inside, she wasn't looking where she was going, and crashed into someone, both of them fell backward onto soft grass. Laura couldn't even comprehend what had happened. She looked to her left...

…And saw her glasses had slid towards the man she had run into.


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Wed Feb 20, 2019 3:40 am
mellifera wrote a review...



Hey Horisun! I see your piece has been sitting in the back of the Green Room for a while, so I figured I'd come by to help you out if I could!


I haven't read the first part to this, so I apologise if that in anyway interferes with any comments I make about the work.


Sa-Laura could barely keep still! Her first mission! She'd get to see all the animals she'd only seen pictures of!


In this first line (and in the second paragraph too, I noticed, but haven't got any farther than that so I'm not sure if this is a problem anywhere else) is heavy on the exclamation marks. They're meant to be used to emphasise something, and when they get used too often like this, they lose their feeling? It reads too overbearingly, so I'd just watch out for that in the future or if you come back to edit this piece.


I could be 100% wrong on this, but my concept so far is,,, aliens? disguising themselves as humans? and they have some kind of program where only certain members of their society are chosen to be integrated amongst them? If so- that's a super interesting concept? I know most stories like that focus on humans reacting to a situation where aliens have invaded or whatever, so it's cool to see that flipped.
(I do have a question though that will probably be answered if I just read on further- do they get to pick where they go? Sa-Laura mentioned in her inner monologue that she had perfected English, but I can't imagine they would only get sent to English-speaking countries, so does she already know where she's going, does she get to pick, or is this just,,, super convenient of her to pick English as the language to learn?)


"Sa-Laura, from the Leaf Tribe. Are you ready to carry through with Mission Earthling?" Asked a orange elder


I try not to comment too much on grammar or technicalities because that comes when you're polishing off a piece and I never find it very helpful, but I noticed this pops up a lot- so when you have text that follows dialogue, unless the dialogue was finished with a period, the first letter will always be lower-case (unless it's a name, of course). So, for example, the section I quoted would be: "Sa-Laura, from the Leaf Tribe. Are you ready to carry through the Mission Earthling?" asked an orange elder.

Also, like in this part:

It will be difficult." He said.


Because you follow the dialogue with a dialogue tag, the period at the end of the dialogue should be a comma. So, that line I quoted should be:
It will be difficult," he said.

I hope I described that in a way that makes sense? I try not to be a stickler for grammar but incorrect dialogue tags can get to me haha.


Also, I am starting to pick up on the fact that they aren't so much integrating with humans as they are capturing them so consider me corrected ;D


Going back to my whole language question- if they aren't speaking English,, wherever it is that they are, what are they speaking? I mean, I suppose it would be assumed they aren't, but it also isn't mentioned what they are speaking, so I was curious.


The names for the characters seem to be mostly English-type names with dashes through the middle? Which isn't a problem! It just- seems odd to me, that their names would be so earthly like that if they're, y'know, not earthly.


The transitions between scenes aren't very clear? Like, one moment Laura and E-Rin are having that,,, moment thing, and then she's with her mum and he's gone? I wish these were made more clear and put into separate scenes rather than being mushed together (same as when Laura is with Ma-Lee and then she goes to the council- the scene just skips to the next and there's no clear indication she really goes anyway).


Why do the other two in the mission get such drastic name changes while Sa-Laura only gets the first two letters of her name removed for the mission?


All the green forests, and blue seas,


This seems a little odd to point out? If it was something out of the ordinary, it would have fit in better, but I think you could just change this to some rendition of "She wouldn't get to see home for a while". But saying "green forests and blue seas" doesn't stand out because that's the way our forests and seas look too. If it was "pink forests and purple seas", that would be different enough that it would be worth noting, but otherwise I don't see why that should be included otherwise.


So far, there's been two mentions of her father and both leave me curious about him? Laura is clearly angry with him, and it has something to do with the humans/the mission she's on.


I think it's interesting that the Aireens think the humans will eat them? A part of me is wondering is this is just their assumptions about what will happen and they don't really understand humans enough to know they wouldn't do that (I hope?? lol), or if you have a new take on humans and some of the things I've been saying in this review are completely irrelevant to this piece.


I do wish there had been scenes on the spacecraft where the team had been interacting (I mean James and Ori and Laura), but you just gloss over it instead? Like, Laura thinks sharing a bathroom with James is super awful, but why? You don't elaborate on points like these and it leaves something to be desired, yeah?


The butterfly analogy for Laura feeling jittery gets a little repetitive after a while? I would watch out for repeating things too often like that.


"Laura Well-Bringer, James McDonald, and Mary Belle,


is Ori's human name Mary or Marry? before you spelled it with two r's?
Also- Well-Bringer doesn't sound like a surname like the other two do? I have to wonder why you chose that specifically, because it sticks out in comparison to the other two a lot to me. I mean, it's not my place to question what you decide to call your characters, but I had to ask. It stuck out to me before but then when you mentioned the other two, it became even more obvious.


"What are they doing in those Earth classes these days? Telling people that humans eat us?" Anne asked.


oh okay haha my fears about making irrelevant comments was unfounded.

Although- why does Anne ask her to go change into something more acceptable without telling her what would be seen as normal or trying to advise her at all? And how does Laura just guess what would be more acceptable?

"Holy lasagna look at the time.


sorry- holy lasagna is the best exclamation I've ever heard?? I feel cheated that I've never been given this wonder until just now.


Sorry I kind of had to rush at the end, and that I don't have time to give you any concluding thoughts D: If you want, I can come back when I have more time and try to finish this properly for you! If not, feel free to let me know if you have any other comments or questions! Keep on writing :)

I hope you're having a wonderful time!




Horisun says...


Thank you



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Wed Jan 09, 2019 5:26 pm
Lib says...



Ooh, this is nice. <3
Can't wait to read more!




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Sun Jan 06, 2019 11:28 pm
Zoom wrote a review...



Hey, Zoom here. I’ve made live comments as I’m reading – check the spoiler below.

Overall comments:

I’m going to start with the negatives so we can end on positives.

First, I didn’t really buy the importance of their mission – it felt severely undermined by the fact that everything is being thrown together last minute. Like, if everyone needs to be reminded of their jobs then how important are they to begin with. And Sa-Laura allegedly goes through all this training but doesn’t even meet her team mates until she starts her journey to Earth? And she doesn’t even know what her living accommodations will be? This mission is so poorly planned and I’m not sure if that’s intentional or not, so either way this aspect needs work.

Second, since this story is going to be on the short side (based on what you said about 5ish chapters), I would 100% expect to see more characterisation with Sa-Laura by the end of this segment. There’s no character arc at all. We need to be seeing how Sa-Laura needs to grow as a person/alien. If the character isn’t going on some kind of personal journey then really we’re just left with a bunch of events that don’t mean anything. I guess that maybe her journey is something along the lines of realising humans aren’t all that bad, but that isn’t executed strongly enough here for me to invest in her character arc.

Third, you’re falling into the trap of introducing way too many characters too soon. I personally cannot connect with this amount of characters off the bat, and so even though you might be nailing the characterisation and dialog of each of them, I’m always going to experience floating head syndrome.

Fourth, this isn’t significant, but there are a lot of typos/errors throughout the entire piece, and this problem got worse as I went along. I can skim over errors no problem at all, I just think you can do a slightly better job catching these things? Microsoft word would have caught most of them for you? Not sure what software you have access to, even an online editor would help.

Right, positives.

First, love the premise. The idea of an animal loving alien disguised as a human who hates humans is just, ugh. I’m here for that. I’m living for this. I can only imagine the scenarios this will create, and the heartbreak that’s bound to unfold due to her being an alien falling in love with a human. Very intriguing.

Second, despite the errors, your sentences are actually quite clean. You don’t often say more or less than you need to, and because of that, the story flowed at a nice pace. Good job.

Third, your dialog was engaging, which I see sooo many people struggle with. I get the sense you read a lot?

Gonna cap this off here. I genuinely enjoyed this and see potential to make a really punchy short story/novella here!

-Zoom ^_^

Spoiler! :
Sa-Laura could barely keep still! Her first mission! She'd get to see all the animals she'd only seen pictures of!

No need for all these exclamation marks. It seems like a cheap way to try and evoke excitement in the reader, but you don’t need to because what is happening is already exciting. Also I like the characterisation here, how Sa-Laura’s most excited to see animals over anything else. I’m on board already haha

"Sit still, Dear. Do you want to be eaten by the humans?" Ma-Lee said. "I still can't believe you accepted!" Sa-Laura didn't answer. She had been preparing for weeks! Learning English, practicing human behaviors, everything!

Learning what behaviours? This was a missed opportunity for you to show us how Sa-Laura’s species behaves differently

"There, Dear." Ma-Lee said, as she dabbed on the last of the makeup. The makeup used to disguise the Aireens would only come off with their human makeup remover. Sa-Laura looked into the mirror, she gasped. A total stranger was standing there. Cloths had covered up her third and forth arm and her bug like wings. A glove hid her hand that only had four fingers, a mask covered her third, fourth, and last eye, which were bright blue. For her first two, specially engineered glasses made her eyes look human. Her neon yellow skin was covered in tan makeup, and her hair was dyed blond. Sa-Laura glared at the reflection

This is interesting 

"Wow, you've really outdone yourself." Said Sa-Laura, frowning. Ma-Lee nodded.

"Just doing my job. Now go see the court, their waiting for you." Ma-Lee said. Sa-Laura hopped from foot to foot, smiling. She skipped to the large doors, and took a breath, before pushing the doors open. Sitting on a raised platform were the six elders. She noticed there was a empty seat where a elder should have been, though she didn't have time to dwell on the matter.

You say “a” twice when the next word starts with a vowel, so should be “an”

"Sa-Laura, from the Leaf Tribe. Are you ready to carry through with Mission Earthling?" Asked a orange elder with a high pitched voice. She looked older then Sa-Lauras great Grandmother.

And again with the “a”. I’m interested in why her tribe is called the Leaf tribe. I love leaves for some reason haha

"Yes, of course."

"To bring back twenty Earthlings for our study, five old, five middle aged, and ten children within twenty Earth months on your arrival?" The elder asked.

This is forced exposition. Realistically, Sa-Laura obviously knows what the mission is, and recapping it in one sentence isn’t suddenly going to help her. This sentence is totally for the reader’s benefit.

"I'm ready!" Sa-Laura exclaimed. Each of the Elders smiled at her, a younger gentleman handed her a pamphlet.

"You will be riding the Earth Express, you will arrive at Earth in five days. You are paired with Ori and Tear-Ridder. Your commander is Ni-Cole. You will be sent to the United States, Indiana, to capture twenty Earthlings. It will be difficult." He said. Sa-Laura nodded. "You will be called Laura Well-Bringer during your time on there." He handed her a small device. Laura stared at it, and cocked her head to the side. "Its called a wallet. Inside you will find a credit card and your ID." He said. Sa-Laura, now just Laura, nodded.

The mission seems kinda important but her level of training seems kinda . . . lazy . . . if she’s being told these things at the last minute?

"Beware the humans, they are cruel and unfeeling. Don't let neither their tears nor their laughs lure you into their web." One of the elders warned. Laura felt a lump form in her throat.

Truth, truth

"I'm ready." She said. The elders nodded.

"Your friends and family are outside, you may say goodbye before you board." Said one of the Elders. Laura nodded. "You may exit that way." She pointed to a back door, Laura waved at them as she exited. They didn't even spare her a glance.

Warmth spread from the two suns, and creeped up Lauras skin.

Not going to lie, I really dislike multiple suns in sci-fi. I’ve seen it done a few times and it just seems to be a cheap world building aspect to put the reader in a “not Earth” mindset

"Sa-Laura?" Someone asked. She looked away from the sky. E-Rin looked at her hopefully. His eyes were like thousands of emeralds, his wings were see-through, and his grass green skin was bright and full. She mustered a slight smile.

"Its me." E-Rin grinned.

"Finally, I've asked sixteen people so far. You look beautiful, you know." E-Rin said. Laura frowned.

"I'm a human. All humans are ugly monsters.A least I don't have to see myself." E-Rin shrugged.

Very interesting. I love this outlook they have towards humans. Very clever showing us her love of animals early on, because immediately we know that they’re not hostile creatures, they just have something against humans in particular

"Before I go, could I ask you something?" He asked. Laura shrugged.

"Be my guest." She said. E-Rin leaned forward.

"Do you like me?" He asked softly, he grabbed her around the waist, but Laura shoved him away.

"No- Just, no. I'm sorry." Laura walked away, not even looking back, she rubbed where he had touched her ruefully, and wrinkled her nose.

Wow, rejection haha

"Sa-Laura?"

"Go away, E-Rin!" Laura shouted.

"You didn't think you were going to leave without saying goodbye, darling, did you?" Asked her mom. Laura turned, and grinned at the sight of her mom, she hugged her mom tight.

"Sorry, mom. E-Rin tried to kiss me." Laura mimed barfing, but her mom frowned at her.

"Ma-Lee did a great job dressing you up. Look at you! I only knew it was you by how you were walking, you always hold up your chin, and you have a slight hop!" Lauras mom said.

I like this, good opportunity for natural characterisation

"I look ugly."

"The point of the disguise isn't to look pretty, its to hide you, silly." Her mom said.

I like this teenager-y need to look nice. It’s interestingly human. So there are similarities we share!

"Is Father here?" Laura asked hopefully. Her mom bit her lip.

"I'm sorry, honey, he had to work-"

"All Mission Earthlings, aboard the ship at once!" Shouted somebody. Laura sighed.

"I better go, mom. I'll miss you!" Butterflies began to fly around in her stomach, she hugged her mother one last time.

"I'll miss you too." Her mom had tears in her eyes as she handed Laura a backpack. "I'll miss you so much, stay safe." She kissed Laura on her forehead and waved. Laura waved back. She ran towards the ship, finally taking it all in. It was a huge metal craft, it was smooth, and had long, wide windows. She looked at her mom one last time before boarding the ship. Inside was a small room, with a Aireen directing the Mission Earthlings to their rooms.

"Name?" The guide asked tonelessly, her blood red eyes scanning a paper.

"Human or Aireen?" Laura asked.

"Human." Said the guide. Laura cleared her throat.

"I'm Laura Well-Bringer." The guide flipped through the pages.

"Room 18, ninth door on the Left. Food will be delivered to your door every four hours between the hours of 8:00 am and 8:00 pm." She glanced up at Laura. "Human time." She said.

So get into character, Laura

"Thank you." Laura walked through the hallway to Room 18. She pushed the door open, inside was a large living area, there were five doors in the left wall. In the back was a window.

Laura was tackled by something, she squirmed and kicked her attacker. "Oh, its you! Guys, our fourth team member is here!" shouted a child like voice. Laura was released from her attacker grasp. She reached forward and grabbed her glasses, which had slipped off when she was tackled, before standing up and getting a good look at the girl in front of her. She was disguised as a human with bright green eyes, her glasses were round and had a thick rim, she was plump and short, but she obviously could put up a fight. Most noticeable about her appearance, however, was neon blue hair. Laura couldn't help but gape at her.

"Ori, did you tackle someone, again?" Said a harsh voice. Another person disguised as a human came out. He was tall, and he had large eyebrows, and a roughly shaved beard. He also had dark skin. Of course, he had glasses. which were square, and had a very thin rim.

"Sorry, Tear Ridder, they don't have a lock on the door, you never know who could come marching in!" Said Ori. Tear Ridder rolled his eyes.

"You must be Sa-Laura, I'm Tear-Ridder, but I guess for the mission you can call me-" He shivered. "James." Ori glared at him.

"Its not that bad of a name, I'm going to be called Marry For Twenty months! Marry!" Ori said.

James rolled his eyes. "You can call us whatever you prefer. What's your name?" James asked.

"Laura." Laura said. Ori gazed at her jealously.

"A least you get a almost normal name." She said.

"What's all this racket about?" Said a cranky voice. Another door swung open and out came a Aireen, this time, with no disguise. He was a shade of sickly purple, and had Glistening orange eyes, and one of his wing were broken off. He had a dagger in one of his many pockets. One of his hands was holding a cane, and two others were in the middle of a arm wrestle, well the fourth was cheering them on. Laura stared at him. She jumped as he caught sight of her.

"Now, I can never tell if their a human or not, are you Laura?" He croaked.

"Yes- Yes, sir!" Laura stuttered. The man broke into a grin, and fourth hand grabbed hers and shook it violently.

"Good, 'cause if you were a human, I'd have run you through with my dagger!" He laughed merrily as if he told a hilarious joke. Everyone laughed nervously.

"Come, take a seat by the window, we'll be taking off soon!" He said. "My names Ni-Cole, you can just call me Ni, everyone does. I hope you like everyone on your team, because we'll be working together for a while!" Ni said. Everyone sat in a spot where they could see the window. Laura felt she was about to explode! She was going to Earth! She would get to see all those strange aliens and prove to her Father...

This line is so overused

No, Sa-Laura, that's not why your going. She told herself sternly. She was going to help her people and learn how to stop humans if they should invent space craft that could reach the Aireens. After all, they were only in a neighboring solar system.

The speaker in the corner turned on. "Everyone please take a seat, we are preparing to take off. I repeat, we are preparing to take off, please take a seat." The speaker said. Lauras butterflies were flying so fast now, there was possibly a mini tornado going on inside her!

"Take off is in ten, nine, eight-" Everyone on Lauras team joined in. "-Sevan, six, five-" Laura gripped her seat in preparation. "-Four, three, two, one." Laura tensed. "Take off!"

Laura felt dizzy as she watched the Aireens become smaller and smaller. All the green forests, and blue seas, she wouldn't see them again for awhile. Laura risked standing up and pressed her face up against the window, hoping to catch one last glance of her Mother, but by now, the Aireens was just another dot in the distance, she sighed and sat back down with her team.

"I'm going to miss that place." Ori said sadly. "All the forests, and my family." Ori looked up and smiled. "But don't look so down, we're going to Earth! Are you guys excited or what?" Ori switched into English, Laura stared at her, surprised. Ori saw her looking, and shrugged. "Might as well get used to it."

Laura sighed. "Good point." She responded in English. "Where can I put my bag?" Laura asked. James gestured to one of the doors.

I’m assuming they have a notable ability to pick up languages – you should clarify

"That will be your room." He said. Laura smiled and thanked him.

Ni glanced away from the window, "Make sure you don't get too comfortable, you'll only be staying there for the trip. You will be living in a house the courts prepared for you. After all, it'd be weird if you went into the woods every night." Said Ni. Laura nodded and entered the room. It was empty besides a bed, which was made from leaves and moss, a drawer with a clock on it, and a mirror.

Laura dropped her bag by the bed and went to the mirror first. She stared at her horrid reflection, she rubbed at her chin, but the color wouldn't come off. She slipped off her mask and gazed at her eyes. If a human saw them, her cover was blown, and the humans would eat her. Laura doubted the latter, but still, she couldn't believe anyone could fear something so Normal. She stared at her eyes a little longer, before slipping the mask back on.

Laura opened the bag, she found cloths for the next five days, she would be provided more when she arrived at Earth, a photo of her, her Mom, and... Her Dad. She didn't even get to see him before she left.

Angry tears burned in her eyes. She removed the photo from the framed and tore her Father from the image. She stared at her work, a bitter taste was left in her mouth.

Laura slipped the image of her and her Mom back in the frame, she went through the rest of the pack and found soap, brushes, and so on. Laura looked at the clock, it was still pretty early, but she got up before the sun today, and her eyes felt heavy. She slipped into pajamas, and curled up in bed.

And for the next few days, the team fell into a routine, breakfast, plan, rest, lunch, practice, rest, dinner, plan, sleep.

On the final day of the trip, after breakfast, Ni ordered everyone to pack their things. Laura was relieved. It was starting to get cramped, with the four of them. And using the same bathroom as James was awful!

But why? I’m scared that I’m actually asking for specificity . . .

It didn't take long for Laura to get ready, her things didn't spread very far. She sat on the couch with Ni. After five or ten minutes, everyone was present, Ni stood up and cleared his throat.

"We only have a few more hours of the trip, now, lets go over the plan one more time." Said Ni. The team groaned, but Ni ignored them.

"Ori, you will be a volunteer at a retirement home, and will study there behavior and take notes. You will stay with Terry Smith, who is part of the S.O.E, Study Of Earthlings. Tear Ridder, you will also be staying with a S.O.E member, Andrew Marcus, you will work as a fast food employee. Finally, Laura, you will be a volunteer at a preschool. And will be staying with Anne Rose. Every week, you will report to the spaceship to discuss your findings with first, our team, then the rest of our ships crew. Understand?" Asked Ni. The group nodded. Ni smiled. "You will be able to communicate with me whenever with these." He handed each of them ear pieces. "By just turning them on, it can pick up your voice, and I will hear you. Now, go rest up. We will be leaving soon."

The team nodded and made their way to bed. But Laura couldn't sleep. Her eyes were wide with excitement. She imagined all the furry little animals. She'd seen some adorable pictures taken by humans. She smiled to herself. Maybe the S.O.E would let her bring one home. It wasn't the kind of hope she'd share with Ni, though.

Well this better happen ^_^

It felt as though only a couple minutes passed when someone over the loudspeaker spoke.

"Attention all passengers, we will be landing shortly, please stay in your seats for your safety."

Laura looked for the loudspeaker. She hadn't actually seen it well she was here. She looked at the corner above her window and saw tiny holes in the spacecraft. She was confident that was where the sound came from.

Laura felt a jolt in her stomach. She wanted to sit up and look out the window so bad, but she stayed where she was. The engine of the Earthling Express didn't so much as groan as they came in contact with the ground.

"You may now leave the spacecraft."

Wait what? I feel like we’ve jumped forward in time but I missed it?

Laura jumped to her feet and grabbed her bag before rushing out the door. James followed. He was gripping his stomach and looked slightly pale.

"Are you okay?" Laura asked, he shrugged.

"Of course." He said. He half shrugged and tried to look confident.

Ori came out next, she was hopping from one foot to another. "Are you guys excited, or what?" She shouted.

"Do all of you remember-?" Ni started,

"Yes!" Everyone shouted. Butterflies took flight in Lauras stomach, begging to fly free. (And bring her breakfast with them) Laura bit her lip and she did a little tap dance with her feet. But she still held her chin up high.

"Then go! The S.O.E member you'll be staying with is waiting! Good luck, my friends!" Said Ni.

"Good luck to you, too." Everyone hugged Ni before rushing through the door. Laura glanced back at him, but he just waved. As she left, she realized that she ever asked what happened to his wing. Oh well, there's always the trip back.

"Laura Well-Bringer, James McDonald, and Mary Belle, please exit the ship from the North side" The speaker said. Laura was already there, however. The guide handed her seven pairs of day close and six pajamas, as well as one formal gown. Laura groaned. She couldn't even see past them.

"Have a good trip." Said the guide coldly. Laura smiled and walked down the steps carefully. Despite this, she tripped on the last step and fell forward. Someone caught her and set her back on her feet.

"Are you okay?" Asked someone. Laura looked up and saw a woman, a human. She shouted in surprise and balled her fists. Then she remembered that this was a Aireen in disguise.

"Sorry, thought you were a human." The woman laughed.

"Actually, I'm Anne Rose. I'm looking for Laura Well-Bringer. You don't happen to be her, do you?" She asked. Laura smiled.

"I am."

Anne turned out to be very nice, she talked a lot, and had great humor. She drove Laura to her house in something called a car. It was one of the things Laura had learned about before she left for Earth. Though they were very different in person.

Different how? What was she expecting?

"What's this?" Laura asked. She pointed to a wide hole in the door.

"That's a cup holder, its used for holding cups." Said Anne. Laura laughed.

"Interesting." She said.

"Funny what humans come up with, isn't it?" Said Anne. Laura raised an eyebrow.

"Their still dangerous." Laura said.

"Of course they are! That's why they need to be studied."

After a bit of a ride, they arrived at Anne's house. It was very different from the houses back at the Aireens, where a window would have been, a clear wall was, where a circular door frame was, there was a large, rectangle one. The roof was to perfect, and the walls to dull. It was horrible.

"Disgusting, isn't it?" Asked Anne. "But you'll get used to it."

Anne opened the door and lead Laura inside. the indoors was open, and the ceiling were high. A strange contraption hung from the ceiling.

"Whats that?" She asked.

"A ceiling fan." Anne said. "Sure is a lot you don't get told about Earth before you leave."

There was a high pitch sound that echoed through the house. Laura screamed, until she saw what was making it.

"You've got a dog!?" She had only seen pictures, but she had never dreamed how cute they would be in person.

"This is Sam, he's a real sweetie. He's the only thing I'll miss when I leave." Said Anne. Sam looked like what the humans called a 'Yorkie' He was no higher then her knee. Laura bent low, and let Sam lick her.

"He's so cute!" Said Laura.

Anne smiled. "Come on, let me show you your room."

Laura stood up slowly, Sam followed them to a small room with a bed and a closet, there was a bedside table, and some beautiful pictures on the wall, they were like nothing Laura had ever seen.

"Are those photos?" Asked Laura. Anne shook her head.

"Their paintings. I kind of picked up a hobby here. I guess Earth has some good things."



Laura could hardly sleep that night. Tomorrow was her first day! Laura thought of all the things that could go wrong. A student pulling off her mask, her makeup somehow washing off. What if a student could see right through her!? The possibilities were endless!

Dawn came, no matter how worried Laura was, but she wasn't about to give up. She thought of her Fathers frowning face when she had told him she had been accepted into a mission. I'm going to prove you wrong.

Laura slipped into what seemed like a appropriate outfit, the shirt was bright orange with purple stripes, which were fluffy, and the leggings were a neon green. But when Anne saw her, she burst out laughing.

"What?" Laura asked, blushing.

Anne shook her head, a smile still on her face.

"Who on Earth would think that outfit would be a good idea?" Asked Anne.

Laura wrinkled her nose at Anne. "Earth?"

Anne sighed. "What are they doing in those Earth classes these days? Telling people that humans eat us?" Anne asked.

"They kind of do." Anne began laughing again.

"Go- Go change, people will be screaming about a alien invasion if they see you in that." Anne said, wiping tears from her eyes.

Laura nodded sadly, she slowly hanged up her shirt and picked out another one, this one was a cool blue. She changed her pants, and found some baggy jeans. She glanced outside, hoping there was still a wisp of fall in the air.

Laura glanced at the clock, she was certain her heart had stopped. I'm going to be late! She ran out her bedroom.

"Anne, can you drive me?" Asked Laura. Anne laughed.

"How else did you expect to get there?" She glanced at the time.

"Holy lasagna, look at the time. We better get moving!" Both girls raced out the door, with Sam barking after them. They jumped in the car, and drove off.

Holy lasagna seems a bit too nuanced for me. Like, are these aliens really whimsical to the point of using our language like this? I didn’t really see that aspect of them so this caught me off guard

"Its 6:51, the daycare in five minutes away, and you are also supposed to be there in four minutes!" Laura was biting her lip, praying she would make it in time.

Laura looked at Annes watch.

7:00

"We're here!" The car came to a halt. "I got to go, before I'm late. Go inside and talk to the receptionist, good luck!"

Laura thanked Anne and hurried inside, she wasn't looking where she was going, and crashed into someone, both of them fell backward onto soft grass. Laura couldn't even comprehend what had happened. She looked to her left...

…And saw her glasses had slid towards the man she had run into.

If this is the love interest, I wish their first encounter was more interesting than running into each other, which is kinda cliché for a romance story




Horisun says...


Thank you so much for the review! No, it wasn't the love interest she ran into at the end, I considered it, but in the end, I decided on a completely different approach to their meeting.



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Sun Jan 06, 2019 10:11 pm
Fantascifi66 says...



I'll read this when I get the chance to, I promise!
It looks really cool!




Horisun says...


I hope you enjoy it!



User avatar
26 Reviews


Points: 574
Reviews: 26

Donate
Sun Jan 06, 2019 10:11 pm
Fantascifi66 says...



I'll read this when I get the chance to, I promise!
It looks really cool!





But there was no goat man, there was NEVER any goat man!
— OSP Red