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The Lost Good Idea

by Horisun

"Mom- Dad- do you have a paper and pencil?" I cried, ideas hopping merrily through my head.

My Mom searched through her purse, and my Dad felt his pockets.

"No, honey, sorry." She said

Alright, I breath, just download it into your memory, or something.


"It's somewhere around here!"

"What?" My brother asked, glancing up from his game.

"The thing!"

"The what?"

"My idea! I lost it!"

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22 Reviews

Points: 54
Reviews: 22

Sat Feb 15, 2020 1:26 am
Josie24 wrote a review...

Ha. Same! I always lose ideas, even when I have a pen and paper. I just forget what it was, but I have this feeling; the idea is still there, but I can't access it.

Now then, the review:

First: "'Mom- Dad- do you have a paper and pencil?'" The hyphens show a break in time, in thought, but they aren't the best way to do so. You could say, "'Mom, Dad: do you have a paper and pencil?'" Or you could say: "'Mom... Dad... do you have a paper and pencil?'" This will make it flow better.

Next: "My Mom searched through her purse, and my Dad felt his pockets." Once you put my in front of mom or dad, they are no longer titles; they don't need capitol letters anymore. Similarly, if you want to distinguish between your own parents and someone else's, you capitalize the names of your own set and not theirs. So you could either take out the "my"s, or you could un-capitalize the titles "Mom" and "Dad".

Finally: "'No, honey, sorry.' She said" You left out the period after said, and put too many commas in the spoken sentence. It should flow, like this: "'No, honey. Sorry,' she said."

Okay then. Bye, and keep writing! Remember these are just suggestions!

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100 Reviews

Points: 7850
Reviews: 100

Thu Dec 05, 2019 6:07 pm
Necromancer14 wrote a review...

Hello, here's my review.

First of all, this was hilarious. Writing about losing ideas is extra funny because ideas have to do with writing, so it makes it all the funnier. Also, your last line is great, because even though you kind of know that it's an idea that he's lost, you still aren't expecting that.

""No, honey, sorry." She said"

The period should be a comma, and "She" should be lowercase. You also need a period at the end of "said"

"Alright, I breath, just download it into your memory, or something."

Breath should be breathed, so that it is consistent with the rest of your story, which is the past tense. Also, even if you were writing in the present tense, breath, a noun, should be breathe, which is a verb.

All in all, this was a great short story, really funny even though it's so short, which just makes it all the more impressive.

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452 Reviews

Points: 18918
Reviews: 452

Tue Sep 03, 2019 2:06 am
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Tuckster wrote a review...

Hey there horisun! Tuck stopping by for a short review :)

My Mom searched through her purse, and my Dad felt his pockets.
Mom and Dad shouldn't be capitalized since they aren't proper nouns.

But I thought that overall, this was a very clever story! I appreciated how short it was, since brevity is everything when it comes to writing prose. I also found it very relateable, especially when I'm about to fall asleep. A brilliant idea will pop into my mind, and I'll promise myself I'll write it down first thing in the morning, and then in the morning it'll be completely gone.

I think you could have made it a little bit more impactful if you added some more characterization—perhaps by describing some of her past projects, some of her interests, and adding some more of what she feels. How does she feel when her parents can't find anything for her to write with? How does she feel when she can't find it? Does she panic, or does she brush it away? I think there's a lot you can do to flesh out your main character. It'll strengthen your story a ton if the reader can relate to the main character and find common interest.

I think some description would have also been helpful and enriched your story. By engaging more of the reader's senses, you can really draw them into the story and keep them hooked. While keeping your reader hooked isn't quite as important, engaging more of the senses will help improve your story.

But overall, I liked the simplicity and relatability of this short story. I really enjoyed it, and I hope that my suggestions have been helpful for you, not only for this story, but for your future writing as well. If you have any questions about my review, please don't hesitate to contact me, and I'll do my best to clear up any confusion.

All my best,

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416 Reviews

Points: 8116
Reviews: 416

Mon Sep 02, 2019 7:46 pm
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Liberty wrote a review...

Heya Horisun!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review for RevMo! Let's get started, now shall we? Okay.

LLLOOOLLL!!! I absolutely adore this! It's completely relatable, and that's what makes your readers love your story more. I love how you've got her screaming at the end, lol. It's amazing. :P

But, I feel that this needs a bit more description on how the character is feeling. Always telling your reader how the character is feeling through dialogue isn't always the best way to do it. Maybe give us a hint about where they could be at or something. That'd be a good edition. :)

And also, real quick before I leave, the third paragraph/line needs a period at the end. Over here:

"No, honey, sorry." She said

But overall, this little piece was a delight to read and I can definitely see it expanding somewhere in the future (not that I'm a future-teller). Hope this review helped in some way or the other. Of course, of you have any questions, feel free to ask me whenever!

And as always...

Keep on writing!


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6 Reviews

Points: 1
Reviews: 6

Sat Aug 24, 2019 5:33 am
Sujit says...

Ha!!!!! this stuff happens every day in our lives. Not noting them down is the reason why we don't see progress. Love to hear more from your works.

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12 Reviews

Points: 32
Reviews: 12

Thu Aug 22, 2019 11:47 am
James565611 wrote a review...

wow! Horisun, this is nice, i love it. i'm a great fan of short stories.
i love the setting and i could sense the plot.
i could also feel the humour in it, i laughed, especially at the end paragraph. the conversation between you and your brother Later...

"It's somewhere around here!"

"What?" My brother asked, glancing up from his game.

"The thing!"

"The what?"

"My idea! I lost it!"
nice one Friend, never stop writing.....

Horisun says...

Thank you!

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559 Reviews

Points: 14960
Reviews: 559

Thu Aug 22, 2019 3:52 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...

Hey my friend, FlamingPhoenix here with a short review for you on this lovely day, and like normal to help get your work out the green room.

Okay let's start.
So when I think of a short story I always think of description and it being rather long, and having a plot, but I really liked this one, it's short but it holds the humor that you wanted in it. And this is something I can really relate to being a fallow writer. It always happens to me. And I sure can feel the frustration in this too. XD
And what was really cool is that I read your title to your story and right away I new what you where talking about, and that just made this story a lot funnier.

So I couldn't see anything wrong with this work, everything was done really well and I really enjoyed reading it. I do hope you keep writing and post again, because I always look forward to reading your work, I thing I have read all of your works, and they just keep getting better. I hope you post another story or poem soon, and have a great day or night.

Your friend and faithful reader
Reviewing with a fiery passion!

Horisun says...

Thank you! I like writing Really short stories, and all dialogue stories. I guess you could say they're like those mini comics, but without pictures? Ya know? Thanks again!

Yeah you could say that! :D

Horisun says...

:D By the way, did you change your avatar? It's looks super cool! Should I call you the ColdFirePhoenix now? :D

Yes I did change it! :D You can call me that if you want, I just changed my avatar to that because my review stars are going blue! But I like ColdFirePhoenix. :D

Horisun says...

Ohh, that makes sense! Keep on doing reviews!

I will thanks. Do you want to talk?

Horisun says...

I'd love to, but It's getting pretty late where I'm at... Busy day tomorrow as well. ):

Horisun says...

Sorry bout that. Have a good night!

Sleep well!

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Points: 0
Reviews: 3

Sun Aug 18, 2019 9:56 pm
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Cybers says...

Oh my gosh. I feel the same exact way! But i have a couple ways around it. So i have a satchel i put in the car with pens and lots of papper. Also its good for when you want to remember your charictors. Just bring a purse and pack it.

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68 Reviews

Points: 186
Reviews: 68

Sat Aug 17, 2019 11:58 am
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Anamel wrote a review...

At first I was confused because I thought this was a chapter but then I realized it was a shorty story(lol). I like that it's short and quick to read but also really relatable. The worst thing is capturing a really good story idea or poetry idea and then having it slip away. I'll try and help with the small minor mistakes in here.

"My Mom searched through her purse, and my Dad felt his pockets."
Maybe use a word different then felt, or just say felt around in his pockets. Your choice ofc but it may make a bit more sense.

""No, honey, sorry." She said"

Comma after sorry and then a period after said.

Alright, I breath, just download it into your memory, or something.

*breathe. Also is she talking or thinking? If she's thinking, italicize it so the reader can know.

"It's somewhere around here!"
Is she mentioning a piece of paper she can write her idea on or the idea itself?

Anyways those minor mistakes can easily be fixed and don't really hinder your story. I liked it :)

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67 Reviews

Points: 4977
Reviews: 67

Sat Aug 17, 2019 5:32 am
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Awru says...

Now for the ennddlleesss Tearssss

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
— W. Somerset Maugham