Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Humor

E - Everyone

The Lost Good Idea

by Horisun


"Mom- Dad- do you have a paper and pencil?" I cried, ideas hopping merrily through my head.

My Mom searched through her purse, and my Dad felt his pockets.

"No, honey, sorry." She said

Alright, I breath, just download it into your memory, or something.

Later...

"It's somewhere around here!"

"What?" My brother asked, glancing up from his game.

"The thing!"

"The what?"

"My idea! I lost it!"


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
412 Reviews


Points: 65738
Reviews: 412

Donate
Tue Sep 03, 2019 2:06 am
View Likes
Tuckster wrote a review...



Hey there horisun! Tuck stopping by for a short review :)

My Mom searched through her purse, and my Dad felt his pockets.
Mom and Dad shouldn't be capitalized since they aren't proper nouns.

But I thought that overall, this was a very clever story! I appreciated how short it was, since brevity is everything when it comes to writing prose. I also found it very relateable, especially when I'm about to fall asleep. A brilliant idea will pop into my mind, and I'll promise myself I'll write it down first thing in the morning, and then in the morning it'll be completely gone.

I think you could have made it a little bit more impactful if you added some more characterization—perhaps by describing some of her past projects, some of her interests, and adding some more of what she feels. How does she feel when her parents can't find anything for her to write with? How does she feel when she can't find it? Does she panic, or does she brush it away? I think there's a lot you can do to flesh out your main character. It'll strengthen your story a ton if the reader can relate to the main character and find common interest.

I think some description would have also been helpful and enriched your story. By engaging more of the reader's senses, you can really draw them into the story and keep them hooked. While keeping your reader hooked isn't quite as important, engaging more of the senses will help improve your story.

But overall, I liked the simplicity and relatability of this short story. I really enjoyed it, and I hope that my suggestions have been helpful for you, not only for this story, but for your future writing as well. If you have any questions about my review, please don't hesitate to contact me, and I'll do my best to clear up any confusion.

All my best,
Tuck




User avatar
302 Reviews


Points: 18713
Reviews: 302

Donate
Mon Sep 02, 2019 7:46 pm
View Likes
Liberty wrote a review...



Heya Horisun!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review for RevMo! Let's get started, now shall we? Okay.

LLLOOOLLL!!! I absolutely adore this! It's completely relatable, and that's what makes your readers love your story more. I love how you've got her screaming at the end, lol. It's amazing. :P

But, I feel that this needs a bit more description on how the character is feeling. Always telling your reader how the character is feeling through dialogue isn't always the best way to do it. Maybe give us a hint about where they could be at or something. That'd be a good edition. :)

And also, real quick before I leave, the third paragraph/line needs a period at the end. Over here:

"No, honey, sorry." She said


But overall, this little piece was a delight to read and I can definitely see it expanding somewhere in the future (not that I'm a future-teller). Hope this review helped in some way or the other. Of course, of you have any questions, feel free to ask me whenever!

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty




User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 1
Reviews: 6

Donate
Sat Aug 24, 2019 5:33 am
Sujit says...



Ha!!!!! this stuff happens every day in our lives. Not noting them down is the reason why we don't see progress. Love to hear more from your works.




User avatar
12 Reviews


Points: 32
Reviews: 12

Donate
Thu Aug 22, 2019 11:47 am
James565611 wrote a review...



wow! Horisun, this is nice, i love it. i'm a great fan of short stories.
i love the setting and i could sense the plot.
i could also feel the humour in it, i laughed, especially at the end paragraph. the conversation between you and your brother Later...

"It's somewhere around here!"

"What?" My brother asked, glancing up from his game.

"The thing!"

"The what?"

"My idea! I lost it!"
haahahaha
nice one Friend, never stop writing.....




Horisun says...


Thank you!



User avatar
542 Reviews


Points: 30284
Reviews: 542

Donate
Thu Aug 22, 2019 3:52 am
View Likes
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hey my friend, FlamingPhoenix here with a short review for you on this lovely day, and like normal to help get your work out the green room.

Okay let's start.
So when I think of a short story I always think of description and it being rather long, and having a plot, but I really liked this one, it's short but it holds the humor that you wanted in it. And this is something I can really relate to being a fallow writer. It always happens to me. And I sure can feel the frustration in this too. XD
And what was really cool is that I read your title to your story and right away I new what you where talking about, and that just made this story a lot funnier.

So I couldn't see anything wrong with this work, everything was done really well and I really enjoyed reading it. I do hope you keep writing and post again, because I always look forward to reading your work, I thing I have read all of your works, and they just keep getting better. I hope you post another story or poem soon, and have a great day or night.

Your friend and faithful reader
FlamingPhoenix!
Reviewing with a fiery passion!




Horisun says...


Thank you! I like writing Really short stories, and all dialogue stories. I guess you could say they're like those mini comics, but without pictures? Ya know? Thanks again!





Yeah you could say that! :D



Horisun says...


:D By the way, did you change your avatar? It's looks super cool! Should I call you the ColdFirePhoenix now? :D





Yes I did change it! :D You can call me that if you want, I just changed my avatar to that because my review stars are going blue! But I like ColdFirePhoenix. :D



Horisun says...


Ohh, that makes sense! Keep on doing reviews!





I will thanks. Do you want to talk? https://flamingphoenix.writerfeedpad.com/17



Horisun says...


I'd love to, but It's getting pretty late where I'm at... Busy day tomorrow as well. ):



Horisun says...


Sorry bout that. Have a good night!





Sleep well!



User avatar


Points: 138
Reviews: 4

Donate
Sun Aug 18, 2019 9:56 pm
View Likes
Cyber_Cs says...



Oh my gosh. I feel the same exact way! But i have a couple ways around it. So i have a satchel i put in the car with pens and lots of papper. Also its good for when you want to remember your charictors. Just bring a purse and pack it.




User avatar
29 Reviews


Points: 40
Reviews: 29

Donate
Sat Aug 17, 2019 11:58 am
View Likes
Anamel wrote a review...



At first I was confused because I thought this was a chapter but then I realized it was a shorty story(lol). I like that it's short and quick to read but also really relatable. The worst thing is capturing a really good story idea or poetry idea and then having it slip away. I'll try and help with the small minor mistakes in here.

"My Mom searched through her purse, and my Dad felt his pockets."
Maybe use a word different then felt, or just say felt around in his pockets. Your choice ofc but it may make a bit more sense.

""No, honey, sorry." She said"

Comma after sorry and then a period after said.

Alright, I breath, just download it into your memory, or something.

*breathe. Also is she talking or thinking? If she's thinking, italicize it so the reader can know.

"It's somewhere around here!"
Is she mentioning a piece of paper she can write her idea on or the idea itself?

Anyways those minor mistakes can easily be fixed and don't really hinder your story. I liked it :)




User avatar
61 Reviews


Points: 5916
Reviews: 61

Donate
Sat Aug 17, 2019 5:32 am
View Likes
Awru says...



Now for the ennddlleesss Tearssss





uwu
— soundofmind