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Young Writers Society


12+ Mature Content

Untitled (Zombie Apocalypse Romance Short)

by Dracula


Author's Note: This entire story is based on a dream I had last night. The characters, plot, setting... it was all thought of by my subconscious. I just put it into words. Some things may therefore seem weird. Tell me if they are too weird. Also, I have no idea what to name this so suggestions would be great! Thank you.

----===XXX===---

Our home is a small shopping centre by the river. It's made up of six buildings in two rows, surrounded by a waist-high picket fence which has so far been a good enough defence. It's kept them out, the zombies don't bother trying to get through barriers unless they're really excited, and the fence hasn't let them get close enough for that. Yet. I've organised my guards so that we've always got at least three of our thirty-five people on watch. I figure we can't be too careful when the entire world is full of hungry undead.

In our safe little paradise, I've managed to get things some of the way back to normal. We have a small farm along the river-bank, and the supermarket was stocked well-enough to keep us going for the year, and probably well into the future.

There's laws too. On the extremely rare occasion that someone goes out of line, our "sherriff", Daniel, will dispense a punishment- usually toilet duties or a week locked in the cooler (which isn't 'cool' anymore, I should add). If the crime is really bad, he brings them to me.

I was voted leader at the beginning. I think it's because I was the first to bark orders when things went bad. Daniel was there too, though, and to be honest, I've always felt like we've ruled side-by-side. He's not afraid to give advice or come forward and tell me if I'm doing something wrong. I appreciate that, but sometimes I wish he'd be more honest. About personal things, you know? One day he'll brush up against me, smiling like a child, and I'll think he's about to declare his feelings. Then the next day he'll go off commanding his work team and not even bother to throw a glance my way. I know we're in the midst of a zombie apocalypse, but I wouldn't mind a little romance. Especially with him.

Speaking of romance, our resident love birds, Tiffany and Zac, are sitting across from me on the picnic rug kissing like no one's watching- or like they don't care. We're meant to be shelling peas, but so far their basket of pods appears untouched.

"Hey, you two!" I throw one of my peas at them. "Break it up." Tiffany pulls away slightly, a string of saliva still connecting their mouths. Beautiful.

"Sorry, Emma," she giggles. Then her gaze falls behind me and her eyes widen to golf balls. She pushes Zac completely off her and stands up. Her arm raises, she points. "Look."

Something's happened. Our three guards are all storming towards me, angry and impatient, bringing an air of danger with them. I push away my basket of peas and stand up, folding my arms to achieve some stance of authority. Then I see Daniel behind them.

"Who is that?!" I shout, marching forwards to meet him.

"He was found going through our can stores." Daniel is gripping onto the shirt neck of a teenage boy with scruffy hair and ripped jeans. He has a nose-piercing and wears a shocked expression, as if he can't believe he's been caught. Just the sort of asshole I would have avoided in normal life, and exactly the sort of thieving scum I don't want anywhere near my group.

"How did he get in?" I demand, flicking my gaze between the guards. People start filing out from the shops and garden, gathering in a circle around us.

"I think it was while we switched." One of them offers me a tatty backpack. "This was full of our food." They've taken out our cans and produce, but there's still a few of the boy's personal items in the bag. A torch, an empty water bottle, a packet of stale crackers, some band-aids and a knife. The blade was once pink but now it's stained with black blood; he's been fighting them.

"I'll deal with you guys later," I say to the guards. Normally, if someone had slacked on their duties, they'd just go without a meal, but this is serious now. There's an intruder right in front of me, watching my every move with nervous curiosity.

"You've obviously survived well enough so far." I drop the backpack at his feet, but keep the blade in my hand. "But you haven't been on your own." There's far too little supplies on this guy to suggest he's a nomad. No- he must be on a supply run. "Did someone send you here? To steal from us?"

The boy's posture wavers and Daniel yanks at his collar so he's looking directly at me. He shakes his head. "No..." His voice wavers, like he's on the verge of tears, "no. I'm alone. Can I have the knife back. Please?"

I laugh, Tiffany's high pitched giggle lightens the air, and some of the others join in too. Is this guy actually serious? He'll be lucky if he gets his freedom back, let alone a weapon.

Daniel guffaws, then pulls the boy close so he can hiss into his ear, "She's not stupid." This makes the intruder lose all control. He collapses in my Sheriff's grip, dangling from Daniel's fist.

"Let him down," I say, and the falls onto his knees. He gathers the backpack into his lap, cradling it like a baby. I wonder how long he's going to keep up the cry-baby act. I know he's putting it on, a weakling doesn't bother not cleaning his knife because it's constantly being used. A weakling doesn't raid a camp of thirty-five survivors simply because he's hungry.

I twiddle the knife with my fingers, careful not to cut myself. He follows its every move. "We've worked so hard to make this camp safe. I've worked so hard to bring back some sense of how things used to be!" I kneel down, plunging the knife into the grass beside me. I'm so close, I could spit in his face. "I will not let anyone threaten that!"

He reaches for the knife and I slap his hand away. Daniel draws the hand gun he always keeps in his belt and holds it against the boy's head. He freezes.

"Why did you steal from us?"

"I was hungry." I lean back a little, his voice is so much louder than I'd expected. Forceful. I see something glimmer in his eyes- not quite hope, but relief. At least he's talking to me.

"And where were you going to take it all?" Everyone's silent and still as they wait for his answer. That's what my friends want to know, if there's another group out there and whether we might have a battle on our hands. He said he was alone, but no one believes that. You can't survive a zombie apocalypse for a year by yourself.

'Like I said..." He pushes his head back against the gun, leaning against it. "I'm alone. I wasn't going to take it anywhere." I meet Daniel's eyes, he's unsure of what to do. Our intruder is tempting him, daring him to pull the trigger, but I know my sheriff would never shoot a living person- not from behind, at least.

I pull the knife from the grass and stand up, folding my arms. "What do you think we should do with you?" I don't want this guy in our camp, he obviously cannot be trusted. But i can't just let him go, he could tell anyone about us, our whereabouts, defences, supplies...

The corner of his mouth rises into a smirk and he says the very thing I was dreading. "I guess you'll just have to shoot me."

Daniel looks at me, still holding his gun steadily at the boy. The guards look to me, eyes wide. Everyone who was curiously watching the intruder now turns to me. They expect me to lead, to know what to do. Except I've never killed a living being before.

When you kill a zombie, it's easy, because you're not actually killing it. It's already dead. It doesn't have a soul or a family to think about or a will to keep going. It's a mechanical demon and by putting a hole in its head, you're just preventing the people you care about from getting hurt.

This boy is very real and alive. Could I really put a bullet in his brain, could I even ask Daniel to? Tiffany pulls my attention away from the dilemma when she screams, her shrill echoing through the air.

"Zombie! It's a zombie!"

I jump to action, raising the knife to eye level. Daniel swings around, pointing his gun in front of him. The guards pull their weapons and our eyes all search the garden, then the gaps between the buildings... I hear a moan, and see what Tiffany is seeing.

It's by the dumpster, its dark, bloody skin blending in with the bags of rubbish we've collected. Its flesh is still smooth, though its neck and arms covered in bite barks, and the body is intact. When it steps into the sunlight, I can see that it was a girl. Her light-brown hair glistens in the sun, clumps of dried blood creating a polka-dot pattern. Her wounds, open and oozing, glimmer too. She hasn't been dead very long.

Daniel strides to the lone zombie and puts the gun to her head.

"No!" The teenager, to everyone's surprise, jumps to his feet. "Please don't hurt her!" The guards make a dive at him, but he runs past them, barrelling towards Daniel. It all happens at once- the gun goes off, the zombie falls to the ground, then the intruder crashes into Daniel and the two of them slam down on top of the corpse, spraying brains, blood and gore everywhere.

"Daniel!" I hurry over to him, desperately hoping he didn't swallow any blood, or cut his skin, or worse...

"I'm fine!" He pushes the boy off him and stands up, brushing himself down. "Dirty, but fine." My heart races with relief and anger, and when I spot the gun on the ground, my first instinct is to drop the knife, pick up the firearm and aim it at the intruder. It was his fault the zombie got within our walls, he'd distracted the guards. If Tiffany, or anyone, had wandered into it, it could have destroyed everything. What really bugs me though, what really gets my blood boiling, is that the teenager could have gotten Daniel killed. I've lost so many people already, I can't lose him.

"Just kill me!" The boy is cradling the remains of the girl in his arms. Tears fall from his cheeks into the open chasm of her skull, her bashed in brain and chunks of skin only just resembling a human. "That's all I wanted!" My hand shakes as he cries. "That's why I came here! I couldn't do it myself. I'm a coward. I just want you to kill me!"

And I'll happily oblige. I drop my finger to the trigger, make sure the gun is in line with his head. It feels so easy now, just one little pull... Daniel's voice stops me.

"Emma. This isn't you. Just think about this."

I turn to him, see the desperation in his eyes. I'd do anything Daniel asks of me. So I lower the gun. And I think. Slowly, the puzzle pieces come together. The boy's backpack, not filled enouh for someone travelling alone. The pink knife, which must have belonged to a female. His lack of a proper reason for robbing us. The boy's death wish. The way he cradled the girl's bitten corpse.

He hadn't been alone, he'd been with her. And she'd died fighting the zombies. Now he wanted to join her in whatever world came after death. He was a broken soul, and I couldn't help but wonder if i'd feel exactly the same had something happened to Daniel.

"I'm sorry. I can't kill you." I lower my gun and the intruder shakes his head in protest.

"You have to!" He picks up her hand, squishing the skin in his tight grip. Remains ooze through his fingers. "Leila..." He buries his head in his hands, in her hand, and I hope to god that he doesn't get infected. I want to help this boy.

"I've worked so hard to make this place. To keep some spark of humanity alive. I'm not going to let that fade. We'll get through this." Turning to the guards, I say, "Take him inside. And someone dig a hole. Leila..." I look at her, and try to imagine her as a youthful, bubbly girl, her brown hair dancing in the wind, her cheerful laugh brightening the air. Perhaps she was just like me. "We'll bury her."

I feel a hand take mine, and turn around to see Daniel's face right there in front of me. He's smiling, just faintly, and his eyes are warm and proud. "You've done brilliantly, Emma." He looks at me the way Zac looks at Tiffany and my heart does a summersault. This whole year, I've wondered how he felt about me, have waited for him to say something. But he doesn't have to say anything, because, when he pulls me into a hug, I know.

We might be in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, but we're going to be okay. Because we have each other, and we have our love.


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48 Reviews


Points: 7
Reviews: 48

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Wed Feb 27, 2019 10:37 am
Jyva wrote a review...



hey dracula, you requested a review from me ages ago but i never got to it so im here now.

you have major issues with realism, and the story’s a bit cliché. however, if that was, like, the point of it, or if it’s just a short throwaway thing that you put together, you can ignore like 90% of my critique. it… functions as is. your grammar and spelling is mostly fine, just a few typos here and there. the sentence structures work, but i feel that not much of it is written in a way that helps the story land emotional hits.


>We have a small farm along the river-bank, and the supermarket was stocked well-enough to keep us going for the year, and probably well into the future.

a bit of google math told me that 35 people would eat 31688kg of food in a year, and that the average supermarket these days is around 42,000 square feet, or 12801.6 square metres. obviously if you’re in a zombie apocalypse you’re gonna be rationing out food and eating less than you usually would, so you can cut that 31k kg figure down a bit, but still. is it even feasible to store that much food in a single supermarket? how much food would expire or be squished under the weight of other foods in the span of a year? where are you gonna find 35 tons worth of food in a zombie apocalypse in good enough condition to store for a year in a supermarket? how are you gonna move that much stuff? there’s those questions, and a lot more, that you gotta answer here.

then again it IS a zombie apocalypse romance story so you can just ignore all that hahaha


> On the extremely rare occasion that someone goes out of line, our "sherriff", Daniel, will dispense a punishment- usually toilet duties or a week locked in the cooler (which isn't 'cool' anymore, I should add). If the crime is really bad, he brings them to me.

sheriff*
a week? alone? locked in a presumably-empty room? that’s solitary confinement, bruv. that’s murderer/rapist/super crazy person level punishment. what exactly are these people doing “out of line” that warrants such a steep punishment? damn this place is strict


>I was voted leader at the beginning.

was that before or after our MC started locking people up for weeks at a time

ok this line of thinking’s getting annoying now, i’ll stop

(not really)


>I push away my basket of peas and stand up, folding my arms to achieve some stance of authority.

“to achieve some stance of authority” seems a bit ehh…. forced. awkward. you could go for a comedic angle and word it like “to pretend like I knew what I was doing,” or if you wanna be super serious just omit that part entirely. i guess it can show that the MC is unsure of themselves, but there are more subtle ways to do that


>Then I see Daniel behind them.
"Who is that?!" I shout, marching forwards to meet him.
"He was found going through our can stores." Daniel is gripping onto the shirt neck of a teenage boy with scruffy hair and ripped jeans.

reader gets some slight confusion here for a bit because we don’t know who Emma’s talking about until that last sentence, but it’s solved quickly so it’s not a big deal. you can try show us that Daniel’s got another person in tow before Emma asks who it is, if you want.


>"No..." His voice wavers, like he's on the verge of tears, "no. I'm alone. Can I have the knife back. Please?"

caps on the second “no”, and the dude’s first question is missing a question mark


>This makes the intruder lose all control. He collapses in my Sheriff's grip, dangling from Daniel's fist.

“lose all control” usually means someone’s going crazy, flailing around, yelling, that sort of thing. not… going limp.


>"Let him down," I say, and the falls onto his knees.

did you mean he* falls onto his knees? or something like the kid* falls onto his knees?


> I know he's putting it on, a weakling doesn't bother not cleaning his knife because it's constantly being used.

awkward phrasing. also, “I know he’s putting it on” would be better off as its own sentence.


>A weakling doesn't raid a camp of thirty-five survivors simply because he's hungry.

that sounds like exactly what a “weakling” here would do, compared to fighting for the supplies or going for a diplomatic approach.


>I twiddle the knife with my fingers, careful not to cut myself. He follows its every move. "We've worked so hard to make this camp safe. I've worked so hard to bring back some sense of how things used to be!" I kneel down, plunging the knife into the grass beside me. I'm so close, I could spit in his face. "I will not let anyone threaten that!"

is the protagonist meant to act like a psycho? is this even a protagonist? i know it’s a zombie apocalypse and you gotta act hard and all, blah blah blah, but damn. it’s a romance story and you generally want your romancey-involved characters to be likeable…

you can have mean protagonists, but i feel like you’re better off showing that they can be a nice guy first before making the reader go “oh shit they can be pretty mean”, as opposed to the other way around. especially in a romance story. other way around is reserved for edgy-bad-guys-turned-good and tsundere stereotypes in corny animes.

if you believe you’ve got a good reason for Emma acting so cray-cray, ignore this.


>He reaches for the knife and I slap his hand away.

stabbing the knife down in the ground within arm’s reach of this dude was a dumb idea. slapping his hand away my ASS. at this point the MC doesn’t know what this boy’s motivations are, or more importantly, how violent he can possibly be in this post-apocalyptic world. Emma is so close to him she can “spit in his face” and slap his hand away. all it takes is literally one second and that kid’s stabbed her four times in the chest, if he wanted to. how on earth has Emma lived this long pulling moves like this?


>Daniel draws the hand gun he always keeps in his belt and holds it against the boy's head. He freezes.

1. Daniel should already have had his gun out and pointed at the kid.
2. Daniel should not be holding the gun against the kid’s head, cuz that just lets the kid know where the gun is and puts it within his reach. the kid that has access to a knife.
3. Daniel shoulda went blammo as soon as the kid started going for said knife. in the same kinda vein, the kid shouldn’t have tried to reach for the knife at all (assuming he cares about living), regardless of how dumb Emma was. <<<< ignore this now, i know now that he was trying to commit suicide-by-post-apocalyptic-survivor.
4. Daniel is a terrible sheriff.
im getting the feeling that you’ve been watching too many Hollywood movies.


> That's what my friends want to know, if there's another group out there and whether we might have a battle on our hands.

studies show that humans tend to help each other more in times of crisis. the walking dead is fiction, and so is this, i guess, so you’re free to do whatever, but i wanna see more realistic stories out there for a change…


>'Like I said..." He pushes his head back against the gun, leaning against it. "I'm alone. I wasn't going to take it anywhere."

except into his mouth lol


>I meet Daniel's eyes, he's unsure of what to do.

weird-feeling sentence. i think having “I meet Daniel’s eyes, and he’s unsure of what to do,” or something similar would fix it.


>Our intruder is tempting him, daring him to pull the trigger, but I know my sheriff would never shoot a living person- not from behind, at least.

1. YA DAMN INTRUDER JUST WENT FOR A KNIFE. HE ALREADY DARED YA BOY TO PULL THE TRIGGER.
2. YOUR SHERIFF WOULD NEVER SHOOT A LIVING PERSON FROM BEHIND, BUT HAS NO QUALMS ABOUT LOCKING THEM IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT FOR A WEEK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


>The corner of his mouth rises into a smirk and he says the very thing I was dreading. "I guess you'll just have to shoot me."

aight, shoot him. smug dumbass.


> Except I've never killed a living being before.

i thought this lady was worried about having to fight other groups.

generally that means she would have had to fight, and most probably kill, other people over food or water or territory or whatever in the past.


>This boy is very real and alive. Could I really put a bullet in his brain, could I even ask Daniel to?

is she really having a moral dilemma right now? she THROWS PEOPLE IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT-


>I jump to action, raising the knife to eye level.

it’s not a spear. it’s a knife. you don’t need to raise your knife to eye level. i don’t think people held even spears at eye level, most of the time…

i explain in the next bit that i perceive the zombie as being pretty far away. there's actually no need to raise any knives at all, right now.


>It's by the dumpster, its dark, bloody skin blending in with the bags of rubbish we've collected. Its flesh is still smooth, though its neck and arms covered in bite barks, and the body is intact. When it steps into the sunlight, I can see that it was a girl. Her light-brown hair glistens in the sun, clumps of dried blood creating a polka-dot pattern. Her wounds, open and oozing, glimmer too. She hasn't been dead very long.

i get it. this is pretty nice description. you did it fairly well. zombies are super spooky. bleh bleh bleh. but… it’s a single, presumably small, girl zombie. how long have these people been out in this zombie apocalypse? enough to stockpile over 30 tons of food into a supermarket and set up a farm and have Emma grow insane enough to basically hand a knife to a potential enemy. they’ve all seen zombies dozens of times by now. why would ANY of these people care at all about this one, assuming these are the classic, moaning, slow-moving, braindead snails that stereotypical zombies are?

additionally, given the way you’ve introduced this thing, it sounds like it’s some distance from the group. how can Emma see it in such detail, and again, why is she noticing/caring about these things when zombies should be a nearly everyday occurrence?

>Daniel strides to the lone zombie and puts the gun to her head.

Daniel. danny. dan. dan-boy. d-dog. bro. buddy. pal. stop putting guns to peoples’ heads. are you trying to die.

1. okay, so the zombie’s not a threat cuz he can walk up to it. why doesn’t he just shoot it from afar? furthermore, how did humanity even collapse here if zombies are so harmless?
2. why does he willingly walk INTO the reach of a zombie’s arms. even if it’s a small one and theres nearly no risk of dying, um, it’s freakin gross.
3. assuming that he can’t aim very well and wants to get closer for a better shot, why is he putting the gun right against its head (again) for dramatic effect when there’s a thief dude you’re currently dealing with?
4. Daniel is a terrible sheriff.


>"No!" The teenager, to everyone's surprise, jumps to his feet. "Please don't hurt her!" The guards make a dive at him, but he runs past them, barrelling towards Daniel.

oh wait they didn’t even tie him down or bind his arms/legs with anything yet? and the guards couldn’t catch this teenager who had to get up from a presumably awkward sitting position, before running? emma needs a new sheriff, new guards, and possibly a basic workplace health and safety course, man


>"Daniel!" I hurry over to him, desperately hoping he didn't swallow any blood, or cut his skin, or worse...

expelled


>It was his fault the zombie got within our walls, he'd distracted the guards. If Tiffany, or anyone, had wandered into it, it could have destroyed everything.

thought these guys were hardened survivors. thought that the zombie was basically harmless cuz Daniel could walk up to its face unharmed. the hell was that zombie gonna destroy? a pot plant?


>What really bugs me though, what really gets my blood boiling, is that the teenager could have gotten Daniel killed.

UH, NO, DANIEL COULD HAVE GOTTEN DANIEL KILLED LOL
ALSO IF YOU PERCEIVED THAT DANIEL WAS IN THIS MUCH DANGER WHY DIDN’T ANYONE SHOOT THE KID AS HE WAS RUNNING TO DANIEL? COMPLETELY UNBOUND WITH ALL OF HIS LIMBS FREE AND READY TO HURT DANIEL, I MIGHT ADD


>I've lost so many people already, I can't lose him.

maybe tell him to stay away from the goddamn zombies then, or get him brain surgery. replace it with a zombie brain. that’d function better than whatever’s currently in there right now. jesus chroist.


>"Just kill me!" The boy is cradling the remains of the girl in his arms. Tears fall from his cheeks into the open chasm of her skull, her bashed in brain and chunks of skin only just resembling a human. "That's all I wanted!" My hand shakes as he cries. "That's why I came here! I couldn't do it myself. I'm a coward. I just want you to kill me!"

this should be a heartbreaking, dramatic moment. and it’s a pretty good idea, not going to lie. but all this kid’s done is be dumb and act smug and the reader has not had nearly enough time to connect with him. also, my suspension of disbelief is basically non-existent right now. i’m completely outside of the emotional moment happening here.

it is possible to connect a reader to a character in a short amount of time to have them feel loss when that character dies - a VERY similar case that comes to mind is Sarah's death in The Last Of Us's opening.

https://youtu.be/ecpQ_WUqKUM

if you haven't yet, watch it, it's an amazing introduction to an amazing game and has people crying 15 minutes in. the difference in the characters here is that TLOU's pair spends all of those 15 minutes together, on screen, bonding and sharing love. It's a father and his daughter, and that fact is clear straight away, so there was already an emotional bond between the characters on the get-go. we get to see them talk and interact and show how they love each other as they navigate through the sudden hell they get thrown into, and so by the end the viewer feels protective of Sarah as Joel does by the end of it. it's also real, and scary, and the zombies are a serious threat so theres an actual element of danger, giving the viewer reason to hope nothing bad happens - again, more emotional investment.

you... dont give your reader that luxury. you kinda go "oh by the way this random zombie that showed up 30 seconds ago happens to be this teenager's sister/girlfriend and now she's dead x2 and you have to be sad about it."

>"Emma. This isn't you. Just think about this."

SOLITARY CONFI-


> The pink knife, which must have belonged to a female.

that’s sexist


>Slowly, the puzzle pieces come together. The boy's backpack, not filled enough for someone travelling alone. The pink knife, which must have belonged to a female. His lack of a proper reason for robbing us. The boy's death wish. The way he cradled the girl's bitten corpse.

He hadn't been alone, he'd been with her. And she'd died fighting the zombies. Now he wanted to join her in whatever world came after death. He was a broken soul, and I couldn't help but wonder if i'd feel exactly the same had something happened to Daniel.

touching, but you’re explaining a bit too much here. the reader can figure it out. just give us enough so we know that Emma realizes what’s going on.

also you missed a capital on “I’d”


>"Leila..." He buries his head in his hands, in her hand, and I hope to god that he doesn't get infected. I want to help this boy.

i mean you were just threatening him and acting tough like one minute ago, and you’ve probably already seen this happen a couple dozen times… but ok.


>"I've worked so hard to make this place. To keep some spark of humanity alive.

by locking people in sol-


>I'm not going to let that fade. We'll get through this." Turning to the guards, I say, "Take him inside. And someone dig a hole. Leila..." I look at her, and try to imagine her as a youthful, bubbly girl, her brown hair dancing in the wind, her cheerful laugh brightening the air. Perhaps she was just like me. "We'll bury her."

okay, so emma acting tough was just that. an act. she’s a sweetie inside. okay. i’m having severe problems believing it. sorry man, but i’m just so out of the story right now that this is all i can see.


>I feel a hand take mine, and turn around to see Daniel's face right there in front of me. He's smiling, just faintly, and his eyes are warm and proud. "You've done brilliantly, Emma."

except for, yknow, the several times she could have gotten herself or someone else killed by the teenager or his zombie sister/girlfriend.


>He looks at me the way Zac looks at Tiffany and my heart does a summersault.

somersault*


>We might be in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, but we're going to be okay. Because we have each other, and we have our love.

bleaaaurgghhhh




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Points: 17243
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Sun Aug 06, 2017 3:38 am
deleted30 wrote a review...



Hi there!
Lucrezia here for a very belated review. (Sorry about that!)

This entire story is based on a dream I had last night. The characters, plot, setting... it was all thought of by my subconscious. I just put it into words. Some things may therefore seem weird. Tell me if they are too weird. Also, I have no idea what to name this so suggestions would be great! Thank you.

WOW, COOL! I wish I had dreams like that! As for the name, I love a good naming challenge so I've spent the last several minutes trying to come up with one, and honestly, I can see your dilemma. This is a toughie. But, for what's it worth, I'd recommend something that gets to the beating heart (pun possibly intended) of the piece: the question of morality and icky moral dilemmas that are prevalent in both hypothetical zombie apocalypses and every day romance.

Anyway! On with the review...
Note: This will be pretty much nitpick-free, for my sake as well as yours. XD

I'll start off with my criticism, to get that out of the way, although some of this piece's flaws have been well covered by previous reviewers. One issue is the kind of info-dump-y beginning. I mean, I get that with a short piece like this, it can be hard to work in all those pertinent details organically... but still, it's a bummer to read any kind of expositional dumping ground. In some sections, the pacing also felt a bit iffy. Like this, for example:

This boy is very real and alive. Could I really put a bullet in his brain, could I even ask Daniel to? Tiffany pulls my attention away from the dilemma when she screams, her shrill echoing through the air.


You'd only just begun to explore the idea of killing this kid and Emma's predicament. That's meaty stuff. I would've loved to see more of a back-and-forth about it, among the characters. That way, readers would've gotten more of a sense of who Emma (and the other characters) are at their core, before all of a sudden rushing into the next key moment: the appearance of Leila. I also would've liked to have seen a deeper exploration of Emma's abrupt change of heart after the intruder goes after Daniel. Outvaders mentioned before me that the fact that Emma was willing to kill someone due to her feelings for Daniel seemed unhealthy and obsessive, and I'm very much interested in hearing the psychology behind that. I want to know more of her reasoning, how she's able to justify that, and how her feelings for Daniel, while earnest, may not be super healthy—for either of them. It may be because of their environment (I mean, it's an apocalypse) that she's grown so attached to him and defensive, or it could just be how she loves people. Either way, the fact that her morality is circumstantial is extremely interesting, and the sort of thing that I'd love to have seen explored on a deeper level.

All in all, I'd say what would make this story into something epic would be to write a longer version, with all of the elements that this one was missing: some added character development (as outvaders mentioned); a slower, smoother pace; less of an info-dump; and a deeper examination of the tricky moral dilemma these characters find themselves in.

Oh, and also...

Because we have each other, and we have our love.

I don't know if this is just me being cynical, but this final line... didn't quite work for me. It just seems so flowery, and Hallmarkian, something that the rest of the piece steadfastly wasn't. Although, if this line is meant to represent Emma's unhealthy attachment to Daniel, and the italicized emphasis of the word "love" was supposed to demonstrate her emphatic ride-or-die view of romance, then it's kind of brilliant.

Anyway! I think I've done my fair share of critiquing. I'll get to the positives now, and there's plenty.

First, I love the idea. I'm not a fan of zombie-related stuff at all, and I might be the only person on earth who's never seen The Walking Dead, but this worked for me. I can't say whether or not it was the most original concept in the world, based on my lack of experience with zombie-centric stories, but the exploration of morality in this world was really, really intriguing (even if I do wish it had been fleshed out a bit more—pun possibly intended). I also loved how the romance of Emma and Daniel was contrasted to the parallel romance of Leila and the intruder (and, to a lesser extent, Tiffany and Zac), and how each, in their own way, reflected how relationships might look during a zombie outbreak/apocalypse. Very interesting. Even though the characters weren't that developed (and I understand why they couldn't be, since this was such a short piece), I did think that we got a good sense of who Emma was. Her narration was dark but snappy; it retained the snarky youthfulness of a young girl, but the jaded cynicism of someone who's stuck in a dystopian world. And that was PERFECT.

I also thought the emotion was solid, and the imagery ranged from good to excellent. In particular, this section stood out to me:

It's by the dumpster, its dark, bloody skin blending in with the bags of rubbish we've collected. Its flesh is still smooth, though its neck and arms covered in bite barks, and the body is intact. When it steps into the sunlight, I can see that it was a girl. Her light-brown hair glistens in the sun, clumps of dried blood creating a polka-dot pattern. Her wounds, open and oozing, glimmer too. She hasn't been dead very long.


I loved that. It's effective without being long-winded, vivid and succinct. Great job.

I also think it was a wise decision to write this as a short story rather than a novel. Though I personally would've liked it to be longer (even a novelette), I think, if stretched out into a full-length novel, the concept would've gotten sweaty and lost its punch. I like that we only got a snapshot, a brief look at morality and romance in this world. And I think the tone you struck was ideal: dark but not too gritty, with moments of light to soften up the inherent scariness.

Overall, I loved it. Yes, I would've liked it to be longer, with a more in-depth exploration of these things and a pace that erred on the slow-burn side—but beyond that, I think it was really well done, and a great concept.

Awesome work! :)




Dracula says...


That's okay! Thank you so much for the detailed review. :D



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Thu Apr 06, 2017 9:27 am
Kazumi wrote a review...



Hello Dracula, it's me, outvaders. Let's start with the review.

When I read the title, I thought the premise of the story was pretty cool. I haven't seen anyone using the zombie apocalypse genre as a major implication in a romance story. I mean, I believe that the zombie apocalypse and romance have chemistry that can create something interesting. How would this relationship between lovers survive in such a harsh and divisive environment where everything is out to get you?

But the story's romance portion was very weak due to a fundamental issue. I'll explain why.

The elephant in the room is that there is little character development to each of the main characters, Emma and Daniel. Starting off with Daniel, he's pretty much a cardboard cutout. Meaning, there's no depth to him. All we know about him is that he's the sheriff of Emma's base, and that's it. There's nothing else to allow the reader to be emotionally invested in them. No dreams, motivations, hobbies or anything to make him a human. Sure, he does tell Emma to not kill the intruder, but that's what any decent, morally-upright person would do.

I can say same thing about Emma. She's also pretty much a cardboard cutout character. Her only distinguishing trait is that she likes Daniel. And that she's a selfish a-hole who'd kill for him. Other than that, there's nothing else going on for her.

One of the effects of this lack of character development is that we simply won't like these characters. Humans like humans; they can't get enough of them. And the reason why we love the characters in these stories so much is because we see humans in them. But these underdeveloped characters aren't humans like us. They're just shallow, one-dimensional plot devices, so why would we be emotionally invested in these cardboard cutouts?

Another effect of this underdevelopment is that Emma's "love" for Daniel would come off as unjustified, and even obsessive and delusional. Not giving enough depth to one of the main characters in a romance is probably one of the worst things you could do in this genre. Reading the last paragraph, I felt emotionally left behind. I mean, up until that point, I felt nothing for Daniel because he's just a plot device for me. But holy crap does Emma have a lady hard-on for him; she loves him to the point where she'd kill to preserve him. But why? Just why? I don't see Daniel in the same light as Emma does. It was as if I was expected to be like this character like Emma does by the time this scene rolled around, but I simply don't. That's because the story doesn't tell us why she loves this cardboard cutout, and as an effect, so we the readers can't love him the same way she does.

When Emma was stopped by Daniel before she killed the intruder, she explicitly stated that she'd "do anything for Daniel." That line sent chills down my spine. Not because it's emotional or anything like that, but because it came off as obsessive. It gave me that vibe like a masochist wanting to be bossed around by her sadist boyfriend. To summarize this part, that was all because she loves this Daniel, but I can't love Daniel the way she does, because Daniel is a very unlikable character, because he is a one-dimensional person, but despite that Emma still loves him, and as an effect her love for him seems unjustified and obsessive, while I receive no gratification for following this romance until the end because I can't relate to these characters.

To be fair, this story does show how the apocalyptic environment can affect human relationships. Due to the imminent risk of Daniel dying or being zombified, Emma is inclined to kill the intruder for her own selfish gain. If she does so, it will negatively affect her relationship with Daniel. So she doesn't. But then again, they're are really flat characters, so why should I care about what their relationship?

Anyways, that's it. Your only problem was the characters were underdeveloped, rendering them unrelatable and unlikable. Fix that, and your romances will be a whole lot better and more engaging. For now, just keep on writing, and I'll see you again some time in the future.

-outvaders




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Wed Apr 05, 2017 8:08 pm
RVS wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I'd give a review:

This is a well-written piece. Few grammatical issues, and above all else, excellent voice. You have a clear writing style, which is good.

Nitpicking:
This sentence is awkward and hard-to-follow:
"...weakling doesn't bother not cleaning his knife because it's constantly being used."

You spelled somersault wrong in the second-to-last paragraph

Weird wording:
"That's what my friends want to know, if there's another group out there and whether we might have a battle on our hands."

Now, for the content:

Overall, I like it. PrincessInk mentioned how the protagonist seems cold and offers good advice. However, there's another way to go: make the protagonist very, very cold. Readers like to "become" the protagonist, in a sense, and so making Emma more likable is a good way to do that. However, you could also make Emma more of a stone-cold leader (if you watch the Walking Dead, think of Rick Grimes)... essentially this ups the coolness factor of Emma. The reader may not feel like he/she is in Emma's shoes, but many like gritty stories of iron-willed leaders.
And so, I think making Emma more likable is the better way to go, but you could also make her stone-cold.

Another thing: the boy. He seems a little emo, which is your intent, but that creates a huge cliche. An emo kid who is depressed and wants to die... see where I'm getting at? If you describe him as another type of kid who is now depressed, there isn't as much of a cliche.

Also, the boy seems a bit odd in his mood. At once, you have him all cry-baby, then suicidal and brave in trying to protect his zombie gf. Maybe try to improve the flow of the boy's many emotions, make them more coherent, because as it is, his thoughts and actions are all over the place.

Right after the boy tackled Daniel, no one was concerned about if the boy was hurting Daniel. "'Daniel!' I hurry over to him, desperately hoping he didn't swallow any blood, or cut his skin, or worse..." is what your text says. However, imagine the scene. If suddenly your prisoner jumps up and tackles your sheriff for no apparent reason, the least you would do is point a gun at him, maybe even start firing. Emma, realistically, would think that the boy is trying to flee and/or hurt Daniel. It seems unrealistic how calmly everyone let the boy attack Daniel.

Last thing is the romantic scene. I think you could make Emma and Daniel's romance more apparent through sprinkling small bits of dialogue throughout. PrincessInk goes into more detail.

I wrote a lot here, but this piece is very good. I'd say with a few changes, it'd be good enough to send to magazines.

I took a lot of time to review this - if you could review my work, in turn, the historical fiction piece, I'd be very appreciative.

Good luck!




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Mon Apr 03, 2017 4:52 am
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hi, Dracula, I'm dropping by for a review!

I've never really read zombie apocalypse stories, but I do like this one. This isn't all about the zombies and killing: it's about love and humanity and it's woven well into the main plot. Your theme was great and developed excellently.

The biggest issue here is Emma. I'm not exactly fond of her. She's a great leader, has charisma, good organizing skills...but I don't really like the fact that she's so ruthless. I mean, she's willing to kill without flinching. Maybe it's the fact that I can't really see inside of her so much. I think I would like her much better if she had those conflicting inside thoughts.

I was also rather surprised at Daniel's sudden change from "brawny" guard to a possible boyfriend. Since this is rather a surprising plot element, maybe some foreshadowing in the previous scene would put a little "hook" so when you'll include a romantic relationship, the reader can look at the "hook" and think, Aha! ("Hook" isn't a particularly good choice of words though ha ha). But I did love the shocking plot twist that it was the intruder's old girlfriend. I'm actually really sympathetic him and he feels real. Desperate. You did a really great job developing him.

Another small issue is that the early paragraphs had some telling there. For example, if you opened the story with a scene of Emma scanning the barriers and looking outside, you could cut the telling with some nice real-time description. The setting was great, though, and I feel as if the zombie apocalypse setting has some real potential to be expanded maybe. Not that this story isn't too short though. I like it that way.

For title suggestions: I'm not good at naming titles: Beyond Zombies or Hearts Across the Barrier (that sounds mediocre he he). I'm sure you'll find a title soon, that HITS your heart and you know it fits. I hope my review helped and have a great day!

~Princess Ink~





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