hey dracula, you requested a review from me ages ago but i never got to it so im here now.
you have major issues with realism, and the story’s a bit cliché. however, if that was, like, the point of it, or if it’s just a short throwaway thing that you put together, you can ignore like 90% of my critique. it… functions as is. your grammar and spelling is mostly fine, just a few typos here and there. the sentence structures work, but i feel that not much of it is written in a way that helps the story land emotional hits.
>We have a small farm along the river-bank, and the supermarket was stocked well-enough to keep us going for the year, and probably well into the future.
a bit of google math told me that 35 people would eat 31688kg of food in a year, and that the average supermarket these days is around 42,000 square feet, or 12801.6 square metres. obviously if you’re in a zombie apocalypse you’re gonna be rationing out food and eating less than you usually would, so you can cut that 31k kg figure down a bit, but still. is it even feasible to store that much food in a single supermarket? how much food would expire or be squished under the weight of other foods in the span of a year? where are you gonna find 35 tons worth of food in a zombie apocalypse in good enough condition to store for a year in a supermarket? how are you gonna move that much stuff? there’s those questions, and a lot more, that you gotta answer here.
then again it IS a zombie apocalypse romance story so you can just ignore all that hahaha
> On the extremely rare occasion that someone goes out of line, our "sherriff", Daniel, will dispense a punishment- usually toilet duties or a week locked in the cooler (which isn't 'cool' anymore, I should add). If the crime is really bad, he brings them to me.
sheriff*
a week? alone? locked in a presumably-empty room? that’s solitary confinement, bruv. that’s murderer/rapist/super crazy person level punishment. what exactly are these people doing “out of line” that warrants such a steep punishment? damn this place is strict
>I was voted leader at the beginning.
was that before or after our MC started locking people up for weeks at a time
ok this line of thinking’s getting annoying now, i’ll stop
(not really)
>I push away my basket of peas and stand up, folding my arms to achieve some stance of authority.
“to achieve some stance of authority” seems a bit ehh…. forced. awkward. you could go for a comedic angle and word it like “to pretend like I knew what I was doing,” or if you wanna be super serious just omit that part entirely. i guess it can show that the MC is unsure of themselves, but there are more subtle ways to do that
>Then I see Daniel behind them.
"Who is that?!" I shout, marching forwards to meet him.
"He was found going through our can stores." Daniel is gripping onto the shirt neck of a teenage boy with scruffy hair and ripped jeans.
reader gets some slight confusion here for a bit because we don’t know who Emma’s talking about until that last sentence, but it’s solved quickly so it’s not a big deal. you can try show us that Daniel’s got another person in tow before Emma asks who it is, if you want.
>"No..." His voice wavers, like he's on the verge of tears, "no. I'm alone. Can I have the knife back. Please?"
caps on the second “no”, and the dude’s first question is missing a question mark
>This makes the intruder lose all control. He collapses in my Sheriff's grip, dangling from Daniel's fist.
“lose all control” usually means someone’s going crazy, flailing around, yelling, that sort of thing. not… going limp.
>"Let him down," I say, and the falls onto his knees.
did you mean he* falls onto his knees? or something like the kid* falls onto his knees?
> I know he's putting it on, a weakling doesn't bother not cleaning his knife because it's constantly being used.
awkward phrasing. also, “I know he’s putting it on” would be better off as its own sentence.
>A weakling doesn't raid a camp of thirty-five survivors simply because he's hungry.
that sounds like exactly what a “weakling” here would do, compared to fighting for the supplies or going for a diplomatic approach.
>I twiddle the knife with my fingers, careful not to cut myself. He follows its every move. "We've worked so hard to make this camp safe. I've worked so hard to bring back some sense of how things used to be!" I kneel down, plunging the knife into the grass beside me. I'm so close, I could spit in his face. "I will not let anyone threaten that!"
is the protagonist meant to act like a psycho? is this even a protagonist? i know it’s a zombie apocalypse and you gotta act hard and all, blah blah blah, but damn. it’s a romance story and you generally want your romancey-involved characters to be likeable…
you can have mean protagonists, but i feel like you’re better off showing that they can be a nice guy first before making the reader go “oh shit they can be pretty mean”, as opposed to the other way around. especially in a romance story. other way around is reserved for edgy-bad-guys-turned-good and tsundere stereotypes in corny animes.
if you believe you’ve got a good reason for Emma acting so cray-cray, ignore this.
>He reaches for the knife and I slap his hand away.
stabbing the knife down in the ground within arm’s reach of this dude was a dumb idea. slapping his hand away my ASS. at this point the MC doesn’t know what this boy’s motivations are, or more importantly, how violent he can possibly be in this post-apocalyptic world. Emma is so close to him she can “spit in his face” and slap his hand away. all it takes is literally one second and that kid’s stabbed her four times in the chest, if he wanted to. how on earth has Emma lived this long pulling moves like this?
>Daniel draws the hand gun he always keeps in his belt and holds it against the boy's head. He freezes.
1. Daniel should already have had his gun out and pointed at the kid.
2. Daniel should not be holding the gun against the kid’s head, cuz that just lets the kid know where the gun is and puts it within his reach. the kid that has access to a knife.
3. Daniel shoulda went blammo as soon as the kid started going for said knife. in the same kinda vein, the kid shouldn’t have tried to reach for the knife at all (assuming he cares about living), regardless of how dumb Emma was. <<<< ignore this now, i know now that he was trying to commit suicide-by-post-apocalyptic-survivor.
4. Daniel is a terrible sheriff.
im getting the feeling that you’ve been watching too many Hollywood movies.
> That's what my friends want to know, if there's another group out there and whether we might have a battle on our hands.
studies show that humans tend to help each other more in times of crisis. the walking dead is fiction, and so is this, i guess, so you’re free to do whatever, but i wanna see more realistic stories out there for a change…
>'Like I said..." He pushes his head back against the gun, leaning against it. "I'm alone. I wasn't going to take it anywhere."
except into his mouth lol
>I meet Daniel's eyes, he's unsure of what to do.
weird-feeling sentence. i think having “I meet Daniel’s eyes, and he’s unsure of what to do,” or something similar would fix it.
>Our intruder is tempting him, daring him to pull the trigger, but I know my sheriff would never shoot a living person- not from behind, at least.
1. YA DAMN INTRUDER JUST WENT FOR A KNIFE. HE ALREADY DARED YA BOY TO PULL THE TRIGGER.
2. YOUR SHERIFF WOULD NEVER SHOOT A LIVING PERSON FROM BEHIND, BUT HAS NO QUALMS ABOUT LOCKING THEM IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT FOR A WEEK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
>The corner of his mouth rises into a smirk and he says the very thing I was dreading. "I guess you'll just have to shoot me."
aight, shoot him. smug dumbass.
> Except I've never killed a living being before.
i thought this lady was worried about having to fight other groups.
generally that means she would have had to fight, and most probably kill, other people over food or water or territory or whatever in the past.
>This boy is very real and alive. Could I really put a bullet in his brain, could I even ask Daniel to?
is she really having a moral dilemma right now? she THROWS PEOPLE IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT-
>I jump to action, raising the knife to eye level.
it’s not a spear. it’s a knife. you don’t need to raise your knife to eye level. i don’t think people held even spears at eye level, most of the time…
i explain in the next bit that i perceive the zombie as being pretty far away. there's actually no need to raise any knives at all, right now.
>It's by the dumpster, its dark, bloody skin blending in with the bags of rubbish we've collected. Its flesh is still smooth, though its neck and arms covered in bite barks, and the body is intact. When it steps into the sunlight, I can see that it was a girl. Her light-brown hair glistens in the sun, clumps of dried blood creating a polka-dot pattern. Her wounds, open and oozing, glimmer too. She hasn't been dead very long.
i get it. this is pretty nice description. you did it fairly well. zombies are super spooky. bleh bleh bleh. but… it’s a single, presumably small, girl zombie. how long have these people been out in this zombie apocalypse? enough to stockpile over 30 tons of food into a supermarket and set up a farm and have Emma grow insane enough to basically hand a knife to a potential enemy. they’ve all seen zombies dozens of times by now. why would ANY of these people care at all about this one, assuming these are the classic, moaning, slow-moving, braindead snails that stereotypical zombies are?
additionally, given the way you’ve introduced this thing, it sounds like it’s some distance from the group. how can Emma see it in such detail, and again, why is she noticing/caring about these things when zombies should be a nearly everyday occurrence?
>Daniel strides to the lone zombie and puts the gun to her head.
Daniel. danny. dan. dan-boy. d-dog. bro. buddy. pal. stop putting guns to peoples’ heads. are you trying to die.
1. okay, so the zombie’s not a threat cuz he can walk up to it. why doesn’t he just shoot it from afar? furthermore, how did humanity even collapse here if zombies are so harmless?
2. why does he willingly walk INTO the reach of a zombie’s arms. even if it’s a small one and theres nearly no risk of dying, um, it’s freakin gross.
3. assuming that he can’t aim very well and wants to get closer for a better shot, why is he putting the gun right against its head (again) for dramatic effect when there’s a thief dude you’re currently dealing with?
4. Daniel is a terrible sheriff.
>"No!" The teenager, to everyone's surprise, jumps to his feet. "Please don't hurt her!" The guards make a dive at him, but he runs past them, barrelling towards Daniel.
oh wait they didn’t even tie him down or bind his arms/legs with anything yet? and the guards couldn’t catch this teenager who had to get up from a presumably awkward sitting position, before running? emma needs a new sheriff, new guards, and possibly a basic workplace health and safety course, man
>"Daniel!" I hurry over to him, desperately hoping he didn't swallow any blood, or cut his skin, or worse...
expelled
>It was his fault the zombie got within our walls, he'd distracted the guards. If Tiffany, or anyone, had wandered into it, it could have destroyed everything.
thought these guys were hardened survivors. thought that the zombie was basically harmless cuz Daniel could walk up to its face unharmed. the hell was that zombie gonna destroy? a pot plant?
>What really bugs me though, what really gets my blood boiling, is that the teenager could have gotten Daniel killed.
UH, NO, DANIEL COULD HAVE GOTTEN DANIEL KILLED LOL
ALSO IF YOU PERCEIVED THAT DANIEL WAS IN THIS MUCH DANGER WHY DIDN’T ANYONE SHOOT THE KID AS HE WAS RUNNING TO DANIEL? COMPLETELY UNBOUND WITH ALL OF HIS LIMBS FREE AND READY TO HURT DANIEL, I MIGHT ADD
>I've lost so many people already, I can't lose him.
maybe tell him to stay away from the goddamn zombies then, or get him brain surgery. replace it with a zombie brain. that’d function better than whatever’s currently in there right now. jesus chroist.
>"Just kill me!" The boy is cradling the remains of the girl in his arms. Tears fall from his cheeks into the open chasm of her skull, her bashed in brain and chunks of skin only just resembling a human. "That's all I wanted!" My hand shakes as he cries. "That's why I came here! I couldn't do it myself. I'm a coward. I just want you to kill me!"
this should be a heartbreaking, dramatic moment. and it’s a pretty good idea, not going to lie. but all this kid’s done is be dumb and act smug and the reader has not had nearly enough time to connect with him. also, my suspension of disbelief is basically non-existent right now. i’m completely outside of the emotional moment happening here.
it is possible to connect a reader to a character in a short amount of time to have them feel loss when that character dies - a VERY similar case that comes to mind is Sarah's death in The Last Of Us's opening.
https://youtu.be/ecpQ_WUqKUM
if you haven't yet, watch it, it's an amazing introduction to an amazing game and has people crying 15 minutes in. the difference in the characters here is that TLOU's pair spends all of those 15 minutes together, on screen, bonding and sharing love. It's a father and his daughter, and that fact is clear straight away, so there was already an emotional bond between the characters on the get-go. we get to see them talk and interact and show how they love each other as they navigate through the sudden hell they get thrown into, and so by the end the viewer feels protective of Sarah as Joel does by the end of it. it's also real, and scary, and the zombies are a serious threat so theres an actual element of danger, giving the viewer reason to hope nothing bad happens - again, more emotional investment.
you... dont give your reader that luxury. you kinda go "oh by the way this random zombie that showed up 30 seconds ago happens to be this teenager's sister/girlfriend and now she's dead x2 and you have to be sad about it."
>"Emma. This isn't you. Just think about this."
SOLITARY CONFI-
> The pink knife, which must have belonged to a female.
that’s sexist
>Slowly, the puzzle pieces come together. The boy's backpack, not filled enough for someone travelling alone. The pink knife, which must have belonged to a female. His lack of a proper reason for robbing us. The boy's death wish. The way he cradled the girl's bitten corpse.
He hadn't been alone, he'd been with her. And she'd died fighting the zombies. Now he wanted to join her in whatever world came after death. He was a broken soul, and I couldn't help but wonder if i'd feel exactly the same had something happened to Daniel.
touching, but you’re explaining a bit too much here. the reader can figure it out. just give us enough so we know that Emma realizes what’s going on.
also you missed a capital on “I’d”
>"Leila..." He buries his head in his hands, in her hand, and I hope to god that he doesn't get infected. I want to help this boy.
i mean you were just threatening him and acting tough like one minute ago, and you’ve probably already seen this happen a couple dozen times… but ok.
>"I've worked so hard to make this place. To keep some spark of humanity alive.
by locking people in sol-
>I'm not going to let that fade. We'll get through this." Turning to the guards, I say, "Take him inside. And someone dig a hole. Leila..." I look at her, and try to imagine her as a youthful, bubbly girl, her brown hair dancing in the wind, her cheerful laugh brightening the air. Perhaps she was just like me. "We'll bury her."
okay, so emma acting tough was just that. an act. she’s a sweetie inside. okay. i’m having severe problems believing it. sorry man, but i’m just so out of the story right now that this is all i can see.
>I feel a hand take mine, and turn around to see Daniel's face right there in front of me. He's smiling, just faintly, and his eyes are warm and proud. "You've done brilliantly, Emma."
except for, yknow, the several times she could have gotten herself or someone else killed by the teenager or his zombie sister/girlfriend.
>He looks at me the way Zac looks at Tiffany and my heart does a summersault.
somersault*
>We might be in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, but we're going to be okay. Because we have each other, and we have our love.
bleaaaurgghhhh
Points: 7
Reviews: 48
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