This was my daily piece of writing. I don't even know what happened, it was going to be a nice piece about a girl following the footsteps of a previous house owner. But then I went over to a completely different storyline.
~
Nancy was thankful that her mother had made the bed before letting her inside. The clean, white blanket she was outstretched on was the only part of the room which seemed normal. All kinds of advertisements, from a house flyer to a pizza coupon, were tacked onto the bright yellow walls. Mismatched, dirty clothes bulged out from beneath the bed and an assortment of nail varnishes were splattered on the carpet, creating the aroma of a gym changing room mixed with a beauty saloon. As Nancy surveyed her new home, she felt as if a rainbow had crashed onto the earth and she, on her tidy bed, was the only survivor.
She had moved three times already and was used to the horrors which came with a welfare home; cockroaches and muddy floors, bathroom doors that wouldn't lock and ovens that could not even melt an icecream. But this was a different kind of horror, it was as if the previous owner would walk through the door any second. Everything was in place as if they hadn't moved out.
"Mum!" She slid off the bed, cringing as her feet touched a puddle of red nail varnish. It was still slightly wet and left a mark on her heel which represented an open wound. Cursing under her breath, she navigated her way out of the room on tiptoes, as to not leave red dots elsewhere. Not that it mattered, the carpet already looked like a paint canvas.
Once Nancy stepped into the hallway she had a clear view of her tired, middle aged mother in the living room. Nancy could hear the hum of an engine outside, which meant that her mother was still unloading. "Are you sure the previous owners have finished moving out?"
Her mother looked down at the bag of books she was holding, her expression never changing thanks to the years of torture she had gone through with her ex-husband. "Honey, this junk is all a bonus. It's abandoned." She looked up at her daughter with her eyes slightly narrowed, as if she didn't want to see Nancy's reaction. "The previous owners were killed."
Nancy turned around and ran into the bathroom, leaving red marks on the brown tiles. She turned the tap, waiting for water, but only mud came out in short, howling bursts. This was what she was used to, broken taps and clogged pipes, not murders. Nancy looked up at a broken mirror, her face in a state of shock as she realised why her bedroom was untouched by the previous owner. They had never moved out, they had been murdered. Nancy felt the nail varnish on her heel, she wondered if the red liquid really was nail varnish.
She tapped the palm of her hand fitfully against the tap. Finally, water began to drip into the sink. Nancy tried to breath slowly, but in this house of horrors she couldn't calm herself, not even when she splashed water on her face, covering her eyes and focusing on the swirling colours in her eyelids. This only served to remind her of the array of colours in her bedrooms. The unused coupons, real estate pamphlets, gift vouchers which were yet to be used. She didn't feel right in this house, it still belonged to the previous owner, it wasn't right for her to be there.
"Nancy!" She turned towards the bathroom door, leaving the tap running, and stepped back into the hallway. Her mother was keeling on the ground, putting the knives, forks and spoons into seperate piles. "Check who's car that is outside!" Nancy recalled the car she'd assumed was her mother's. "It must be a council inspector, let them in, will you?"
Nancy nodded at her mum and was about to take a step forward when she stopped herself. "I just need to turn the tap off." She reentered the bathroom and scrunched up her face at the sink. The basin was almost filled up, there was a foul smell coming from the layer of dirt and grime which had been undisturbed for months. Nancy felt uneasy at the odour and wondered if a dead body smelt that bad, like the dead person who's house she was standing in.
She turned the tap off and looked up at the mirror. Nancy let out a scream, her heartbeat thumped up and down in her chest, she felt all happiness drain from the world around her as fear engulfed her mind. Behind Nancy's horrified reflection there a young woman, her soul-less eyes digging right into the mirror. The fabric which clothed the woman was torn, only just clinging on, but the colours could have outshined a rainbow. There was something in the girl's manicured, varnished hand, it looked like a nightclub brochure. Nancy bit her lip, the rest of her body freezing in place. Was this the previous owner?
Nancy closed her eyes, hoping desperately that she was imagining it. She wouldn't have opened them if it weren't for the crash. Nancy heard her mother scream, then she heard the loud rumbling of a car engine. It got louder each second until an explosion sent Nancy flying backwards into the air. The sound of fires sparking and walls crumbling blocked out all other noises. Nancy continued flying back for what seemed an eternity, she watched as the house flew apart with her. Bright yellow wallpaper and an assortment of advertisements gave Nancy papercuts as they soared by her skin, cutlery and glass from photo framed crashed into her. She saw furniture explode into unrecognizable pieces, she saw the pages of books flutter to the ground like leaves in autumn. The wind whistled in her ears as she landed like a meteor onto the ground. Nancy's last thought was of the young woman in the mirror, who had been murdered in her house. Now Nancy had also been murdered in her house.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,089 Literary Works • 672,997 Reviews
Such a gruesome ending. I loved it. in fact, I think that you should start at the beginning of the story and turn this into chapter book. Like a mystery/paranormal kind of story. I would love to read it. Anyways, I can't say I found anything wrong with the story. Everything was very well written and the plot was both suspenseful and thrilling! A very intriguing story line! Nice work on this! I enjoyed reading this very, very much! Keep writing and good luck! -IceWinifredd
Hey jazzydracula!
So, in general your writing is pretty fluent and you describe things well. There were some inconsistencies and other stuff that I noticed that I'd like to point out, so here they come!
It seems like the rooms are in a horrible mess, so it doesn't reeeeally sound like "everything is in place".
Ooh, I thought that it was just nail varnish bottles that were on the floor. Maybe you could make it clearer from the start that the bottles are actually open? Or if it's just one bottle that's open, clarify that as well.
Resembled, maybe?
This information is interesting, but it's not introduced at the best place for the reader. It's more like "woah, wait, what?" instead of like "Oh that's why she looks so tired". Does that make any sense?
Calling the house a house of horrors seems a bit premature, considering that Nancy hasn't really seemed that scared (yet).
Like eyeshadow, or...?
Does she not know what her mother's car looks like?
Wow, that escalated quickly! I think you have here the framework for a pretty interestingly bizarre story, but you don't need to rush it. Like, everything happens pretty quickly and there's not much explanation for nearly anything, so it just seems like you got bored and tried to finish the story as quickly as possible. Like, what connection do the ghostly girl and the car have to the explosion and how does the house explode anyway? Why were the previous owners murdered and why do they (?) want Nancy's family murdered? I feel like all of these things need some explanation. You could have a really cool horror story here if you think about these things a bit more
Keep writing!
Demeter
x
Good day!
Im going to review this piece of yours as best I can.
Firstly, the scenes are quite vivid. Although the sentence structure and vocabulary could be more colourful and well described. It is overall, an effective piece. More information about their past, i.e. Why did they have to move? How did they end up in this particular house?
Nancy's Mother is also quite well portrayed. The image One sees when you described her previous life with an abusive ex-husband is an interesting and easily imaged aspect given the living conditions of the characters. It seems almost too appropriate, but there is a cathartic sense surrounding her which I suppose adds to the scene. Nancy's character on the other hand, is undrawn on. You did very little to describe her.
"Once Nancy stepped into the hallway she had a clear view of her tired, middle aged mother in the living room. Nancy could hear the hum of an engine outside, which meant that her mother was still unloading. "Are you sure the previous owners have finished moving out?""
This paragraph is quite difficult to read. It is not clear whether Nancy's Mother is outside or inside. And why would the car have to be running to unload it? Paragraphs 2 and 3 definitely need re-drafting.
Finally, the last paragraph is very hard to follow. Although you described the effects of the crash very well. Its difficult to grasp the reality of the scene. Its a little bit too exaggerated. A realist approach to scenes like that definitely have a more profound effect on the reader. Its easier to relate and thus picture a scene if it is slightly less extreme. For when One pictures a council home, they picture it as quite confined.
The paragraph started well, but from this point onwards it was very poorly described.
"Nancy continued flying back for what seemed an eternity, she watched as the house flew apart with her. Bright yellow wallpaper and an assortment of advertisements gave Nancy paper cuts as they soared by her skin, cutlery and glass from photo framed crashed into her. She saw furniture explode into unrecognizable pieces, she saw the pages of books flutter to the ground like leaves in autumn. The wind whistled in her ears as she landed like a meteor onto the ground. Nancy's last thought was of the young woman in the mirror, who had been murdered in her house. Now Nancy had also been murdered in her house."
This scene gives the reader the impression that all of these things are happening simultaneously. Which is a destructive way to write. For example, why would she get cut by paper and not the glass? and why would the wind whistle in her ears when she lands but not when she is flying through the air?
However, the foreword states that you submit a piece everyday. And also gives me the impression that this piece was a bit impromptu. And so I recommend spending more time on each piece and not on trying to push out as much as you can. A meticulous but slow writer is better than a Hasty one.
I don't mean to seem overly critical. But there is enormous potential within this 'short' and it seems to have slipped through the cracks in the story.