Bus Trip (Edited)

by Dracula

Published December 14, 2016

12+

In Short Stories

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Becca!” Amanda, her faithful friend, waved from the school gates.

Becca raised her index and middle finger to her eyes, then flicked them towards her friend. “Not if I see you first!” She then skipped down the path towards the bus stop, where the long community vehicle had just pulled up.

Becca fumbled in her pocket, presenting a handful of silver change to the bus driver as she boarded.

“And how was school today?” He took the change gladly, and it created a melody as it clanged into the coin box. “Anything to look forward to tomorrow?”

She rolled her eyes. He asked the same question every afternoon, and she always gave the same answer. “I’ll look forward to the day I don’t hafta go back to that hell hole.” It wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy spending time with her friends; school was just so boring. Her head was always in the clouds.

As she made her way down the aisle, Becca was surprised to find that her usual seat was taken. A teenage boy sat in the second row from the back, leaning his elbow on the windowsill and staring into oblivion. His black hair was sleeked back, as if fingers were constantly brushing through it, and he wore eyeliner like a shield, hiding his soul. Becca didn’t know him though. Even though it was a public bus, there was usually only school students and staff boarding at this time of day.

“Hey,” she talked with a cheeky grin on her face, “you’re in my seat.” He turned to face her and she saw that his brown eyes were glassed over; he’d been crying.

“It’s mine now,” he mumbled and returned to whatever he was looking at.

She shrugged. “Fine.” Becca shuffled back to the previous row, he obviously wasn’t in any mood for jokes, or people. She randomly picked a seat and slumped down in it, letting her backpack slip off her shoulder and onto the ground below her. As the bus engine rumbled to life, the last few students boarding, she unzipped the front pocket and took out her phone. The tune to her favourite game, The Sky’s the Limit, echoed through her ears.

It was a pretty cool little app. The aim was to guide a plane from one fake airport to another, dodging all the obstacles which presented themselves along the airline route. Becca took pride in being a high-scorer; she could die happy knowing that she was number five in the world.

“Sit down!” She must’ve drifted off, absorbed in the game, because now someone was out of their seat and being yelled at by the driver. Becca tapped the pause button and looked up from her phone; it was the guy who’d taken her spot. He was up the front, hand in his coat pocket.

“Sit down, now!” The driver yelled again, and Becca saw the other passengers shift nervously in their seats. Nothing like this had happened before. The emo guy mumbled something, mixing up his words. He seemed panicky, the way he fiddled with whatever he was holding in the confines of that gothic coat, and the way his chest rose up and down with uneasy breaths.

“Is that a threat?” She couldn’t make out what he’d said, but the bus driver’s words confirmed that there was something seriously off about this kid. Had he just made a threat?

Becca wondered if she should use her phone to record the scene unfolding; this was the sort of stuff they showed on evening news programs.

She froze as the emo guy’s hand emerged from his pocket holding a gun. A real, black as night, deadly handgun. Her eyes widened with terror as he held it at the bus driver, who stiffened, gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles. Not a single breath was heard in that bus; everyone was on the edge of their seats, wondering what was about to happen, desperate for nothing to happen.

The gun-wielder shook in place as the bus hit some bumps in the road. God, Becca turned even paler as she realised, the bus is still moving. The driver seemed to have it all under control, at least. He was surely trained for this sort of psychotic episode, he’d keep them safe. Not if there’s a bullet in his brain, she thought.

“Do it!” The emo shouted, not stumbling over his words that time. He was no longer the shy, teary-eyed boy in her seat. He was a demon now. The message was clear, do whatever the hell it was that he wanted, or die.

The bus driver, the man she’d talked to every single day after enduring school, wouldn’t give in. Becca willed him to obey, tried to urge him telepathically. Don’t be stupid. Please don’t die. But his head shook slowly, left to right.

BANG! The sound bounced off the walls, crashing into her skull. The driver’s head slumped to the side. His whole body slid off the seat to the floor, landing with a gentle thud at the emo guy’s black boots.

Becca’s heart practically leapt out of her chest, all she could hear was the thud thud thud of the organ. But she could see chaos. Some people were frozen in their seats, just like she was, others jumped up and ran right past her to the back of the bus. Did they expect to break the emergency window and dive out of the vehicle? Heck- the bus was still steadily gliding down the road towards the beach district. What were they meant to do?

She sat there, her bosom melting into the cushioned seat, subconsciously scratching her nails against the glass screen of the phone.The world flew past her, cars swerved out of the bus’s way, onlookers pointed and their mouths moved but all Becca could hear was the thud thud thud of her heart, all she could see was her friend’s corpse on the floor.

The murderer dropped his gun and it fell, rather ungracefully, onto the driver’s shock-stricken face, before to the floor. He shook the corpse off his boots, not showing the slightest amount of the respect for the soul he’d just slaughtered, and sat himself in the driver’s seat.

He took the wheel in his murderous hands, and just as the bus was going to mount the curve and ram a corner deli, he steered it back onto the road. That dark as night man, that devilish figure, that murderous fiend… he had just saved their lives. But why? What did he get by taking control of the bus?

Becca’s heart slowed, deciding that she wasn’t she wasn’t in danger of dying, at least not yet. If he’d wanted to kill them, the emo guy would’ve let the bus glide right into the deli. An odd calm came over her, and Becca felt guilty for feeling so at peace when she’d just witnessed a murder.

Body momentarily unfrozen, she turned her neck and glanced around her. People were huddled together, gripping seats, crying, screaming. Car horns tooted as the dark-eyed kid hit the accelerator, picking up speed, she heard police sirens behind them as he went through a red light. The world zoomed by, faster, faster, but he stuck to the road.

Crash! The glass pane of the emergency window shattered behind her; a boy from her maths class held the hammer, and he stumbled back and forth as the bus hit bump after bump. But he wouldn’t jump, that would mean certain death.

Thud. Her heartbeat returned, getting louder as the bus got faster. She sensed imminent danger, and wondered whether jumping out the bus might be the better option- the emo guy had veered off the road, sending everyone flying up in their seats, he was on the jetty ramp. He was driving towards the ocean.

Becca felt the phone screen crack in her hands, her fingers digging deep inside the electronic device, her fingers ripping at wires, the glass shredding her skin. She heard the revs of the engine; he wasn’t stopping. She heard the other passengers shout in desperation for the him to stop, to hit those damned brakes.

The emo guy was stark white, his skin the perfect contrast to his black garb. His chest heaved up and down, and she heard quiet, passionate sobs from the front of the bus. If he turned around, Becca was sure she’d see those glassy eyes flooded with tears once again. He was lost in whatever sick world engulfed his mind; he wouldn’t stop the bus. He was desperate to die; and he was taking them all with him.

The ocean loomed closer and closer, the jetty disappeared, the bus hovered in the air for a moment, then it began falling, and the blue waters opened their arms in an embracing hug. This was it, any time now...

That very second, just before the vehicle hit the waves, the emo guy burst into action and yanked on the steering wheel. He pulled it towards him, just as Becca’s avatar pulled on the plane’s yoke in The Sky’s the Limit. And, exactly like a plane, the bus gained altitude and rose into the sky.

Becca sunk back into her seat, both relief and disbelief flooding through her. The ocean grew smaller and smaller, and the sky welcomed them closer and closer. Shocked faces looked up at them from the jetty, police cars flashed their lights as if waving goodbye. The passengers stopped screaming and instead laughed with joy. Delighted shrieks echoed down the aisle as the windows turned white and the bus met the clouds. Fluffy marshmallows surrounded them, and she could almost smell the aroma of burnt sugar. That’s a hallucination, Becca thought, clouds aren’t really made of sugar. But the flying bus most certainly was not happening in her imagination.

The bus -or was it a plane- stopped rising and steadily glided through the sky. If the floor had been transparent, Becca would have been able to see the beach district below her; the colourful roofs of shacks and torn sails of old boats, the vacationers gawking at the miraculous sight, the policemen pointing guns as if the bus was an alien spacecraft… but the windows were transparent, and through them she saw a plane.

A real plane, not another wheeled vehicle. The bus was flying beside it, and its passengers had their hands and faces pressed against the glass, eyes bulging. Becca grinned and waved ecstatically. A little girl waved back, but the adults were frozen with disbelief. Becca almost couldn’t believe it herself; she was flying in a bus! Yet it was happening, and she reveled in sheer childish joy.

“Hold on, losers!” For the first time, the offender didn’t seem sad or deadly or deranged. The demon had withdrawn to whatever void he came from. Now he shouted in delight, moving the steering wheel freely in all directions, directing them through tunnels of marshmallow and past the passenger jet. “We’re moving on!”

Becca turned to the back of the bus, looking out the smashed window at the plane pilots. They were holding up their phones, recording the flying monstrosity. She thought of her own phone, the one she’d smashed during all the chaos.

Becca felt a heavy weight in her pocket and placed her hand inside, producing… the phone. Its screen was pristine; smooth glass with not a scratch in sight. The Sky’s the Limit was still on pause, its theme song humming quietly from the speakers.

Becca dialed her mother’s number and spoke into the device. “Hello?”

Beep, beep, beep. There was no connection, which made a lot of sense considering they were hundreds of metres above the surface of the earth. She deposited the phone back in her pocket, and her attention was caught by someone outside the bus, speaking to her.

“Hello to you, my dear!” It was a bird. A seagull flapped its white wings rhythmically beside the window, bright orange eyes glaring into Becca’s soul. She swayed in place, not believing that a bird could possibly be talking. But, just as she was in a flying bus, there was the talking bird, it was undeniable.

“Hold on, everyone!” The emo guy shouted from the front of the aisle, and he pushed the steering wheel down towards the floor. All at once the seagull flicked its wing in goodbye and flew high into the sky -or the bus dropped lower, she couldn’t tell at the time- and the school students, now relaxed, sat back down in their seats. Becca even heard some seat belts buckle amongst the sounds of the engine humming and the marshmallow clouds swooping by. The vehicle was losing altitude, and as she glanced out the window, gripping onto the back of a headrest, she saw the ocean getting closer and closer.

Crash! Becca’s head almost hit the ceiling as the bus hit the jetty, throwing her into the air.

There was complete calm and absolute silence as the emo guy steered the bus along the jetty and back on the road. No police sirens, no cheering crowds, nor any surprised shouts. She couldn’t see anything either; the windows had frosted. Perhaps they had clung onto some clouds, not wishing to let go of their splendour.

The bus chugged on for a few minutes more, and she could only guess where it was going by the way her body was gently thrown left and right. They were possibly heading along the main strip- to the shopping centre?

She found out her true destination when the bus stopped, and the dark-eyed kid pulled on the massive iron handbrake. “This is your stop, Rebecca.” He turned his head, faced her, and was actually smiling. The way the corners of his mouth dented his cheeks seemed so unnatural, framed by a mass of black eyeliner and frown lines. “Off you hop.”

“Oh… okay.” Becca felt disappointed that her amazing journey was over. She couldn’t remember the terror she’d felt when the emo guy had hijacked the bus. The driver’s corpse was no longer there to remind her of the deadly shooting. It didn’t bother her that she’d almost been trapped inside a bus, potentially pulled deep into the ocean’s embrace.

All she thought of was flying amongst the marshmallow clouds, that little girl’s bewildered grin inside the plane. She recalled the seagull, its white wings waving goodbye to her. And now she hopped off the community vehicle, and was sad that it was all over.

Becca was standing outside a church, its grey brick steeple looming above her. She heard the chattering of a crowd from within, and sensed the vibrations of an old organ playing.

Then she saw Amanda.

“Hey!” She raised a hand in greeting to her best friend, who was walking by the gutter. “Guess I saw you first!”

Amanda didn’t respond, didn’t even acknowledge Becca’s words. She was dressed in black, like the emo guy, but looked much more formal in her lace-trimmed dress. There were tears in her eyes. Maybe she doesn’t feel like talking. Amanda veered right as she hit the church, and disappeared inside the massive wooden doors.

Becca flicked her gaze behind her and searched for any sign of the bus driving down the road, but it was long gone. So, she took the only other option, and followed her friend inside the church.

A massive crowd stood inside. She knew most of them; her parents, family, friends, neighbours, teachers, plus some strangers she’d never seen before. What were all these people doing here, and why hadn’t they told her about it? Obviously Becca was meant to be there, otherwise the emo guy would have kept driving.

A deep, moaning sound echoed through the hall as the organ began a new song, and everyone took their seats.

Becca froze as the front of the church entered her sights, and she saw what was displayed at the altar. Her heart should have been thumping, thump thump thumping, but it was silent.

Becca realised that her heart had been quiet for a long time. A wave of doom engulfed her as she felt the lightness of her body, the sense of flying, the lack of gravity… the freedom.

She noticed a piece of paper on the floor beside her, and read the dark, devastating words as the organ played in the background:

Today we remember Rebecca Martins, who was lost in a tragic bus accident. She departed this world in the depths of the ocean, but now her soul floats blissfully amongst the clouds.

At the altar was a wooden coffin, and Becca’s pale corpse was in it. 

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Jyva
Review
Jyva wrote a review Review · Dec 29, 2016

>Becca raised her index and middle finger to her eyes, then flicked them towards her friend.

saluted. saluted's the word you're looking for.


>“Not if I see you first!” She then skipped down the path towards the bus stop, where the long community vehicle had just pulled up.

Becca fumbled in her pocket, presenting a handful of silver change to the bus driver as she boarded.

don't need new line


>As she made her way down the aisle, Becca was surprised to find that her usual seat was taken.

alright

>A teenage boy sat in the second row from the back, leaning his elbow on the windowsill and staring into oblivion.

mkay

>His black hair was sleeked back, as if fingers were constantly brushing through it, and

sure

>he wore eyeliner like a shield, hiding his soul.

aaand that line just assaults the reader way too hard. we were at like a 0 on the drama scale and you just slammed it up to a 10. too much, man. just say he's wearing eyeliner. you gotta build up to the drama.


>Becca didn’t know him though.

him, though


“Hey,” she talked with a cheeky grin on her face, “you’re in my seat.”

use "said" instead of "talked". it's... just weird.


>He turned to face her and she saw that his brown eyes were glassed over; he’d been crying.
“It’s mine now,” he mumbled and returned to whatever he was looking at.

"it's mine now" is a really... attitude-filled line, y'know? doesn't seem to fit this emo goth kid that's just been crying. i feel he'd either move or ignore her entirely.


>Becca shuffled back to the previous row, he obviously wasn’t in any mood for jokes, or people.

...previous row. He obviously

split the sentence


>She randomly picked a seat and slumped down in it,

picked a random seat. "randomly picked a seat" implies that her action of picking a seat was random, like she was just doing it out of the blue for no reason, and not the actual seat.


>It was a pretty cool little app. The aim was to guide a plane from one fake airport to another, dodging all the obstacles which presented themselves along the airline route. Becca took pride in being a high-scorer; she could die happy knowing that she was number five in the world.

i'll reserve judgement on this... if it ain't relevant later, either cut it down or remove it.


>“Sit down, now!” The driver yelled again, and Becca saw the other passengers shift nervously in their seats. Nothing like this had happened before.

have you ever been on a school bus? people stand up all the freakin' time ahaha


>“Is that a threat?” She couldn’t make out what he’d said, but the bus driver’s words confirmed that there was something seriously off about this kid. Had he just made a threat?

asking the same question twice here. bus driver already said it, no need for the second time. it's redudant. like it's unnecessary. you don't need to have becca asking it again. there's just no point. i've lost all subtlety now okay moving on


>Not a single breath was heard in that bus; everyone was on the edge of their seats, wondering what was about to happen, desperate for nothing to happen.

he's facing the bus driver, right? at the front? surely SOMEONE must have the presence of mind to tackle him to the floor from behind.


>Not if there’s a bullet in his brain, she thought.

use italics to indicate thoughts


>BANG! The sound bounced off the walls, crashing into her skull.

i try not to describe gunshots with a "bang". turns your writing into a Looney Tunes piece. don't describe it at all, just say he shot. everyone and their mother knows what a gunshot sounds like. what it's like to be near one, though, that's different. i live in australia where we don't have school shootings so i wouldn't know, but apparently it's really damaging to your ears if you're not wearing proper protection. might wanna have some people covering their ears.


>Becca’s heart practically leapt out of her chest, all she could hear was the thud thud thud of the organ.

split sentence again. first one should end after "chest".
heartbeats don't sound like that...
"the organ" is a weird way to describe a heart.


>She sat there, her bosom melting into the cushioned seat,

okay what is she leaning forward into the seat in front of her? do you know how far she'd have to be leaning to have her chest pressed into it? way too far.
"bosom"... is just... just... just use "chest". pls.
idk what kinda buses you have where you live but australian bus seats sure as hell ain't cushioned.


>subconsciously scratching her nails against the glass screen of the phone.

why does this matter


>Becca could hear was the thud thud thud of her heart,

refer to the point i made before about sound effects.


>He took the wheel in his murderous hands, and just as the bus was going to mount the curve and ram a corner deli, he steered it back onto the road. That dark as night man, that devilish figure, that murderous fiend… he had just saved their lives. But why? What did he get by taking control of the bus?

why is becca thinking so calmly about this
springboarding off that point, why is nobody screaming and stuff? are they all just movie-cliche shocked, watching in silence? realistically, people would've started shouting the second they saw the gun, telling him to calm down and put it away, calling him a murderer, etc etc. there would be a lot more noise than you're giving me right now.


>Becca’s heart slowed, deciding that she wasn’t she wasn’t in danger of dying, at least not yet. If he’d wanted to kill them, the emo guy would’ve let the bus glide right into the deli. An odd calm came over her, and Becca felt guilty for feeling so at peace when she’d just witnessed a murder.

acknowledging her calmness as odd doesn't excuse you from the fact that she should be completely terrified right now


>Body momentarily unfrozen, she turned her neck and glanced around her. People were huddled together, gripping seats, crying, screaming.

oh, NOW they're screaming? or were they screaming before and i just missed it? anyway, more emphasis required on the whole screaming thing.


>Crash!

ew more sound effects

say "a loud crash from the left distracted her" or something. that way you're not directly describing the sound - let's face it, single words are never going to accurately describe gunshots or glass breaking.


>The glass pane of the emergency window shattered behind her; a boy from her maths class held the hammer,

ah, the return of the semicolons.


>Thud.

i'm about to thud my head into my desk


>He was driving towards the ocean.

how can becca tell? where is she on the bus? why does she sound so ridiculously calm about this? surely there must be some initial confusion as to where emo guy's going.


>Becca felt the phone screen crack in her hands, her fingers digging deep inside the electronic device, her fingers ripping at wires, the glass shredding her skin.

is becca a powerlifter or something
nice, though


>She heard the revs of the engine; he wasn’t stopping. She heard the other passengers shout in desperation for the him to stop, to hit those damned brakes.

NOW they're shouting at him to stop? REALLY?


>The emo guy was stark white, his skin the perfect contrast to his black garb. His chest heaved up and down, and she heard quiet, passionate sobs from the front of the bus. If he turned around, Becca was sure she’d see those glassy eyes flooded with tears once again. He was lost in whatever sick world engulfed his mind; he wouldn’t stop the bus. He was desperate to die; and he was taking them all with him.

i dunno about you, but if i was on that bus i'd be thinking less about his perfectly contrasted skin and passionate sobs and more about getting the hell out of there. seriously.


>The ocean loomed closer and closer, the jetty disappeared, the bus hovered in the air for a moment, then it began falling, and the blue waters opened their arms in an embracing hug. This was it, any time now...

does Becca WANT to drown or something


>That very second, just before the vehicle hit the waves, the emo guy burst into action and yanked on the steering wheel. He pulled it towards him, just as Becca’s avatar pulled on the plane’s yoke in The Sky’s the Limit. And, exactly like a plane, the bus gained altitude and rose into the sky.

alright so it was relevant, somewhat... i'd personally just not have that game there. distracts reader from what's happening. plus i don't think becca would be looking down at her phone right now. ALSO, didn't she JUST crush it in her hand? how is it still functioning?


>The passengers stopped screaming and instead laughed with joy. Delighted shrieks echoed down the aisle as the windows turned white and the bus met the clouds.

hahahahahahhahahahaahaa
no.
no, they'd be screaming even more.


>Fluffy marshmallows surrounded them, and she could almost smell the aroma of burnt sugar.

WHY IS BECCA THINKING OF FLUFFY MARSHMALLOW CLOUDS RIGHT NOW? WHY? I'D BE GOING LIKE "AHHHHH SOMEONE SAVE US" JESUS CHRIST


> A real plane, not another wheeled vehicle. The bus was flying beside it, and its passengers had their hands and faces pressed against the glass, eyes bulging. Becca grinned and waved ecstatically. A little girl waved back, but the adults were frozen with disbelief. Becca almost couldn’t believe it herself; she was flying in a bus! Yet it was happening, and she reveled in sheer childish joy.

alright so at this point i'm thinking everyone on the bus is psychotic


>“Hold on, losers!” For the first time, the offender didn’t seem sad or deadly or deranged. The demon had withdrawn to whatever void he came from. Now he shouted in delight, moving the steering wheel freely in all directions, directing them through tunnels of marshmallow and past the passenger jet. “We’re moving on!”

so let's look at this guy's plan.

step 1. somehow smuggle a gun into a school and then a schoolbus.

step 2. threaten driver with said gun, and demand that he... well, you haven't told the reader he said. i'm fairly sure whatever demand he made was absolutely ridiculous, though. like telling the driver to make the bus fly.

step 3. if the driver doesn't comply, shoot the driver in the face and take the kids on a happy wonder ride through the sky because he's an expert bus-pilot and those kids would love being flown through the clouds in low air pressures/temperatures where they'd actually faint. the kids won't mind the driver being shot in the face, it's totally cool.

yyyyeah... alright.


>She thought of her own phone, the one she’d smashed during all the chaos.

the one that somehow was still operating despite being smashed, right


> “Hello to you, my dear!” It was a bird. A seagull flapped its white wings rhythmically beside the window, bright orange eyes glaring into Becca’s soul. She swayed in place, not believing that a bird could possibly be talking. But, just as she was in a flying bus, there was the talking bird, it was undeniable.

i'm so confused. is this a realistic story or like a fairy tale one? cause you just had someone getting shot and people screaming and now there's a flying bus that nobody's worried about and a talking f-ing bird. are they all on drugs?


>“Oh… okay.” Becca felt disappointed that her amazing journey was over. She couldn’t remember the terror she’d felt when the emo guy had hijacked the bus. The driver’s corpse was no longer there to remind her of the deadly shooting. It didn’t bother her that she’d almost been trapped inside a bus, potentially pulled deep into the ocean’s embrace.

:I


>Amanda didn’t respond, didn’t even acknowledge Becca’s words. She was dressed in black, like the emo guy, but looked much more formal in her lace-trimmed dress. There were tears in her eyes. Maybe she doesn’t feel like talking. Amanda veered right as she hit the church, and disappeared inside the massive wooden doors.

oooohhhhhhhh


>A massive crowd stood inside. She knew most of them; her parents, family, friends, neighbours, teachers, plus some strangers she’d never seen before. What were all these people doing here, and why hadn’t they told her about it? Obviously Becca was meant to be there, otherwise the emo guy would have kept driving.

ohhhhhhhhhhh.


>She noticed a piece of paper on the floor beside her, and read the dark, devastating words as the organ played in the background:
Today we remember Rebecca Martins, who was lost in a tragic bus accident. She departed this world in the depths of the ocean, but now her soul floats blissfully amongst the clouds.
At the altar was a wooden coffin, and Becca’s pale corpse was in it.

gotcha.

i mean you got me.

TWO ISSUES, THOUGH. becca wouldn't have died instantly when they hit the water. there woulda been a bit of painful drowning. if she was, i dunno, skewered by a particularly sharp piece of glass, there wouldn't be an open-casket funeral. otherwise... yeah. nice.

"i'm so confused. is this a realistic story or like a fairy tale one? cause you just had someone getting shot and people screaming and now there's a flying bus that nobody's worried about and a talking f-ing bird. are they all on drugs?"

Yeah, they're all dead.

Hahaha thanks for the review and putting up with me. XD

User avatar
Charm
Review
Charm wrote a review Review · Dec 16, 2016

Hey, Dracula! Here for that promised review! Thanks for your great review on my chapter btw~!

She then skipped down the path towards the bus stop, where the long community vehicle had just pulled up.

I think I'd prefer if you just said bus. I didn't quite understand what you meant until the next paragraph.
Not if there’s a bullet in his brain, she thought.

italicize thoughts

Okay so, this was an interesting story. My thoughts definitely differed depending on which part of the story it was. At first, it was boring (average girl, average bus), then it was scary and intense, then it was confusing and magical? and happy, and then it was weird and kind of sad. I'm not sure how I felt about this story. It's definitely well written but it's a little odd. One thing that kind of bothered me was the fact that the passengers changed from crying and screaming to laughing. It just doesn't seem normal. Yes, they are in a flying bus but someone just got murdered. I would still be on edge and not trusting the emo kid. There isn't really much I can say other than that. Like your other short that I reviewed, this story is already so good. It's hard to give reviews on well-written work xD.

marmalade

Thank you for the great review! I'll fix those couple of things. The change from crying/screaming to laughing is meant to be weird. Becca also suddenly becomes calm too, which you hopefully noticed. XD It's the transition from the real world to the spirit world, after she dies. You know, the come that comes over you once you're dead... if that makes sense. Of course, you're meant to think what the heck is up with this sudden joy because you're not meant to know she's died until the end.

calm* that comes

Charm replied · Dec 17, 2016

Ah okay. Maybe add more detail to that so we really see the change. It was sort of subtle. Maybe if you talked more about the calmness coming over her.

User avatar
erilea
Comment
erilea commented Comment · Dec 15, 2016

Is it just me, or... some kind of Nico and Bryce Lawrence hybrid here?

EvangelineFire wrote a review Review · Dec 14, 2016

Wow, just wow. This was absolutely incredible. I honestly don't have one bad thing to say about it. But before I do anything else, here are some minor things I think should be changed.


"Becca raised her index and middle finger to her eyes, then flicked them towards her friend." I don't think this should be apart of the first paragraph. I think it would be much better in the next.

“I’ll look forward to the day I don’t hafta go back to that hell hole.” hafta in this sentence sounds really awkward to me and out of place.

"it was the emo guy, the one who’d taken her spot." I don't think you needed to clarify he was the one who'd taken her spot. As soon as you said emo, I knew exactly who you were talking about. Either say "the emo guy" or "the one who'd taken her spot" you don't need both.

"they’d break their necks!" This line seems rather silly and kind of breaks all the tension you'd built up. I say remove it entirely or change it to something completely different. Unless of course your goal was to lessen the tension, which I don't think is a good idea.


Again, this was brilliant. I loved your descriptions and the way you described "the emo guy". Which brings up something I wanted to mention. Throughout the entire story, you always refer to him as the emo guy. Constantly calling him that seemed to become kind of amateurish in a way, as if there was no other way you could refer to him as. Surely there is a different way to refer to him and just alternate between those two. It just gets pretty dry to keep reading "the emo guy", "the emo guy", "the emo guy" over and over again.

I kind of guessed the ending towards the end, seeing as I've seen many stories and movies end like that. But that doesn't make it any less of an amazing read. To be totally honest, though, I think I would have preferred it to have actually ended with Becca going down an actual rabbit whole to Wonderland. And not just because I would love to continue reading. :P

Well, that's all. Not much of a review, but I hope the things I mentioned helped slightly.

Have a nice day/night! :D And I absolutely love your picture. I can't tell you how long I sat there and watched it, haha.

- EvangelineFire

Thank you for the helpful review, I've made some changes. :) I'm glad you liked it, too.



The strongest people are not those who show their true strength in front of us but those who win battles we know nothing about.
— Unknown