A/N: I wrote this at the start of the year but never posted it. I guess I didn't like it that much. XD I'd completely forgotten about it, so here it is. Ready to be edited.
“Sali!” The ten-year-old boy called to his sister. His sheets were rumpled at the end of the bed. The boy shook from head to toe, sweat dripping from his curly hair. “Sali!”
“Aristo!” She burst through the door, eyes darting left and right. Her brother's room was illuminated by the moonlight seeping through his window. Nothing looked out of place except for the boy, who was scared out of his skin. “What's wrong?”
“I had a nightmare.” She sat by his head, cradling the boy in her lap as he recounted the horrifying dream. “Mummy and Pa were in the car, and a bad man burst their tyres.”
“A bad man? You've never mentioned him before. Do you want to tell me, Aristo?”
“He was dressed all weird. Like in the plays at school. Like a clown.”
Sali stroked his wet hair, rationalising that her brother was only nervous for his upcoming drama excursion. “It wasn't real, Aristo. Mummy and Pa are okay now. Do you remember where they are?”
The boy lifted his head, meeeting his sister's eyes. Together they recited the sentence which had comforted them for three years, ever since their parents had perished. “Up in the sky, dancing with our family, the angels.”
“And anyway,” Sali lifted his chin, “you don't have to worry. I'll always protect you. I promise.”
Aristo finally grinned, wiping his eyes. “I know.”
~
The following morning at breakfast, Sali and Aristo's grandmother slapped scrambled eggs onto their plates. She paid special care to make sure the boy's were arranged in a neat circle.
“Are you well-rested and ready for the big day?” She asked him. Aristo exchanged a nervous glance with his sister and Sali nodded encouragement.
“Yes, Grandma.”
“You make sure you listen to your teachers. And you can come home whenever you want. I don't care how far away the city is, I'll drive there straight away.” The old woman was holding back tears. “Just call and I'll come.”
“Don't worry, Grandma.” Sali cut into her bacon and winked at her brother. “He's a big boy. Aristo's going to have so much fun, he won't even miss us.”
“I know.” She placed the pan in the sink and started clanking away, trying to hide the sound of her fear. “You're both growing up so fast. Just be careful.”
~
The following days were much quieter. With Aristo away on his drama trip, Sali spent most of her time watching movies and doing extra chores around the farm. She was picking berries when her grandmother screamed. Sali dropped her fruit basket and bolted for the house.
“What's wrong?” She skidded to a halt in the kitchen. Grandma was gripping onto the wall-phone with pale knuckles.
“It's Aristo...”
“Is he okay? Why did you scream?”
“He's gone missing.” Grandmother dropped to her knees, the realisation hitting her. Sali ran to the crying woman's side, her own heart beating rapidly.
“How? And where? Are they certain? Perhaps he's just wandered off...”
“Sali, my darling girl. It's the curse, I know it. They've got him.” She pulled at a cord around her neck, producing a black rock on the end of it. “The ghosts have him.”
Sali's eyes widened. “Ghosts? Grandma, what do you mean?”
“Here, put this on.” She pushed the gem into the girl's hands. “It lets you see them. There's so much I should have told you... now Aristo's been taken...”
Sali recalled the promise she'd made to Aristo that night before he'd left. That she'd always protect him. Now he'd gone missing and she had to help, there was no other option.
Sali trusted her grandmother completely and she seemed to know what had happened. She gripped onto the gem, feeling its cold, smooth surface.
“Grandma. Tell me as much as you can. Then I'm going to find Aristo.”
The family was cursed. Grandma's great-grandmother had been engaged to a rich and greedy man, but they'd fought and the engagement was called off. The lady returned her ring, with any love she'd felt attached, and ran away. Before she left him, the man placed the ring on his finger and promised that neither he, nor her family, would rest whilst the ring was in his possession.
For generations, Sali's family had suffered horribly under the wrath of the man's ghost. Grandma even believed that the death of Sali's parents had even been caused by him. Hence she'd moved the children far away from the site, to a farm, in hope that the ghost wouldn't find them. Unfortunately, Aristo had gone to the city.
The stone was supposedly magic, and would allow the wearer to see the ghosts. What Grandma couldn't tell Sali, however, was how she was supposed to save her brother from them. Everyone who'd tried to break the curse had died, including her grandfather.
Nevertheless, Sali was determined to save Aristo and vowed that nothing would stop her. She took a bus to the city, equipped with only the magic stone around her neck.
The bus stopped outside a grand old mansion, where her Grandma had claimed the ghosts lived. .
It was like a castle mixed with a museum. There were two massive pillars on the verandah, holding up a triangular roof. Two pointed towers loomed over her, rising from the already tall three floors. The walls were stone, but blackened with years of dirt, and ivy grew in the cracks. Its ornate windows were covered with muck, hiding the horrors inside.
Sali approached the wooden doors and, breathing in, pushed them open. She saw her brother instantly.
“Aristo!” She yelled.
The terrified boy was clinging onto the top of a statue so tall that he could see onto the second floor balcony. Drapes hung from the central chandelier to the second-floor railing, framing the statue and his shaking figure. Mirrors on the walls relfected his frightened face in every direction. It was a cruel display.
“Sali!” He cried. “Help me!” Though his mouth moved and his eyes craned to see his sister, the boy did not move. He was frozen stiff, desperate not to slip. The floor was far below, a fall would be fatal.
“I'm coming! Just hold on!”
A deep, posh voice suddenly echoed throughout the building. “Hello, hello, hello. I'm so glad you decided to join us.”
Sali looked in one of the mirrors and saw movement on the stairs. Turning towards the staircase, she gasped and saw the shadow of a man. He had long hair which draped over the shoulders of a ruffled blouse and velvet coat, his boots even had heels. But he was blue... and see-through. A ghost.
When the man saw her he seemed just as surprised. His hands flew together and he gently touched something on his finger. The ring.
“You look just like her...”
“By golly, she does!” Another ghost appeared, this one in a butler's uniform. “The spitting image!”
“Who are you?” Sali shouted. “Let my brother go!”
The rich ghost laughed. “I'm Alexander, the man your ancestor abandoned to marry a gardener. And I'll gladly let your brother go. So long as you agree to be my wife.”
“I will not!” She looked around the room, searching for something to get Aristo down with. There was a cupboard under the stairs. If movies were to be trusted, there might be a ladder stored within. She bolted for it.
The rusted padlock on the door snapped off when Sali pulled it. She flung open the door and breathed a sigh of relief. There was a rickety wooden ladder, tall enough for her brother to climb down.
“Hold on a moment...” Alexander folded his arms when Sali emerged with the ladder. “Mr Crab, we can't have this.”
The Butler crept towards Sali, then leapt at her. He disappeared in flash of light and the ladder lit up in another. It floated out of her grip, hovering in the air. She'd seen this in movies. The ghost had possessed it.
Aristo yelped. “What's happening? Is it them?”
Sali realised that her brother couldn't see the ghosts. He didn't have a stone. Yet he must have communicated with them somehow. Sali noticed the mirrors, he was looking in them. Ghosts could be seen by anyone in mirrors.
“Yes, it's them! By the stairs!” She replied. His head shifted slightly, careful not to tip off balance.
“They used the drapes to haul me up here!” Aristo shouted. “They can take over things!”
“Such a keen observer,” Alexander said.
Sali turned her attention back to the ladder. It was shaking in a fit. The cracks throughout it got larger, then the ladder fell to pieces and clattered on the floor. Mr Crab reappeared, a pleased grin on his face.
“There really is a simple way to get him down.” Alexander pulled the blue, transparent ring from his finger and offered it to her. “Just agree to marry me. It's the only way you'll break your stupid family's curse.”
Sali's heart dropped when she remembered her other reason for being there. She didn't just have to save Aristo. There was no point in saving him now if the curse made more trouble later. She had to break it. And that meant getting the ring away from Alexander.
He was holding it out to her right then. She didn't have to marry him, she just had to grab it...
Sali made a snatch at the ring, but she missed. Alexander and Mr Crab's laughs filled the mansion.
He pushed his arm forwards, tempting her to try again. She did, and her heart dropped. Sali's fingers swept right through the ring and Mr Alexander's hand. Like swatting at the air.
“Silly girl. You can't take something from a ghost unless you are a ghost. I'm flattered that you were going to accept, though. I can arrange a quick death, if you like. Then we can be together forever.”
“I wasn't going to marry you! I'll never marry you!”
“Sali!” Aristo cried. “My arms hurt!” Alexander made a pouty face as Sali wracked her brain for a way to help. Then she thought of it.
Aristo said they'd used the drapes to get him up there. Perhaps she could use them to get him down. They were tied at just the right places for her to jump from the second-floor. She could swing to her brother, grab him, and deposit the both of them on the other side. Sali nerouvsly tapped her foot. It was a scary thought, but she could do it. Just like Tarzan.
Whilst Alexander was complaining to Mr Crab about all the cobwebs, Sali sprinted past them and up to the second floor banister. She was just a little higher than eye-length with Aristo who was watching her with pleading eyes.
“I'm coming!” She reassured him.
Sali spotted a painting on the wall on the other side of her brother. There was a portrait which looked just like Sali but so much more refined. It was her ancestor, her Granndma's great-grandmother who had run away from the mansion and caused the curse. She couldn't blame her though, Alexander seemed like an awful, bossy man.
“Whatever you're doing,” his voice echoed from downstairs, “it's not going to work!”
“Shall I stop her, sir?” Mr Crab offered.
“No, no. Let's see what happens.” It made Sali feel uneasy that they weren't trying to stop her, but all she cared about right then was saving Aristo. She could deal with whatever the curse brought afterwards.
The drape was nailed into the balcony rail, but it didn't take much strength for Sali to rip the sheet away. She looked above the chandelier and hoped that the drape was more securely fastened to the ceiling.
“I'm going to swing to you, Aristo. Be ready to grab onto me!” Her brother gulped, but nodded.
Sali sat on the rail and pushed her legs over. The floor loomed below. Mr Crab and Alexander watched her with curiosity. They didn't think she could succeed, but they were just a couple of ghosts outstaying their welcome on earth. She would make it.
“So brave,” Alexander mocked. “Just like her parents were.” Sali froze, anger filling her veins. “I didn't want to orphan you, but I could hardly marry your father, could I?”
“You're responsible?” She hissed under her breath. Somehow her voice reached them.
“Yes. I burst those tyres of theirs, didn't I?” Mr Crab nodded and he added, “Cars are such fragile things. I don't know why you bother to make them.”
Aristo's dream. He'd said a man in a clown costume had burst the car's tyres. Whatever he'd seen... it had happened. Sali was filled with a burning rage and determination. She wasn't just saving Aristo anymore, she was avenging her parents. She was avenging her whole family.
“Get ready!” She shouted at her brother, wrapping the drape around her wrist. Her other hand she held out to Aristo. Sali bent her knees, ready to push off and go soaring towards the statue. She leapt.
As soon as she made contact Aristo let go of the statue and wrapped his arms around Sali's waist. They glided across the room like Tarzan with his vines, the drape's hold on the ceiling remaining strong.
Sali watched the balcony come closer and guided Aristo to it, depositing him onto the railing. But she forgot about herself. When Sali let go of her brother, she fell backwards, her wrist still attached to the drape. She collided with the statue, the wind knocked out of her.
“Sali!” Aristo shouted from the balcony. He could see his sister hanging there, one hand gripping the drape and the other wrapped around the statue. They had swapped places.
“Well done!” Mr Alexander's claps echoed like thunder. Mr Crab laughed, grinning like a maniac.
“I'm okay!” Sali saw her brother, safe and sound on the landing. At least he was okay. But what about her? She couldn't jump down, it was too far. The drape was useless, it wouldn't go anywhere without momentum. And the ghosts certainly wouldn't help.
“Whatever will you do now?” Alexander asked.
“Aristo.” Sali held her voice steady, putting as much authority into it as she could manage. “I want you to run down those stairs and outside. Get help.”
“What about you?” He touched the second drape, still attached to the landing. “I could swing-”
“No! Just go and get help, please!”
He looked at her for a second, eyes watering, and nodded. “The firemen, they can get a ladder!”
“That's right!” Sali watched the ghosts out of the corner of her eye, wondering if they'd somehow stop him. “Get the firemen.”
“Okay, I'll be right back!” Aristo clambered down the stairs and ran right past the ghosts. They didn't stop him, just stared and smirked.
Aristo disappeared through the creaking doors. “I love you,” Sali muttered under her breath
“No one will believe him, you know.” Alexander turned his attention back to Sali. “Nobody's stepped foot in this place in... how long?”
“At least a century,” Mr Crab finished.
Alexander waved his finger, the ring sparkling in the window's faint light. “I could get you down, you know. Just say you'll marry me.”
“No!” Sali's hands were hurting. She had no idea how Aristo had held on for so long, already her fingers were turning numb. But the reality of the situation weighed down on her. No one would believe Aristo, at least not soon enough. No one would help her. And there was no way she could get down.
Sali had saved her brother for now. Yet if she didn't break the curse the dangers would keep coming. He'd end up like all her other relatives. Dead. She could only save him if she got hold of that ring. Sali knew there was only one way to do that.
Letting go was so easy, and the ground was so welcoming. As Sali fell, she thought only of her brother. Death didn't hurt a bit.
~
Sali opened her eyes.
“Welcome back, my love!” Alexander held out a pale-blue hand.
She ignored him, and pushed up with her elbows. She left her body behind. Standing, Sali looked down on her corpse. It was like looking in a mirror. There was a little bit of blood from her ears and nose, otherwise she could be sleeping. Except for the fact she was dead.
Sali raised her hands, now blue and transparent. Her whole form was. But she felt normal, not cold or lifeless. If this was death she didn't understand why humans feared it so much. The only strange thing was a sensation in the back of her mind. Like she was being called somewhere else. Sali knew she wasn't completely dead yet, she hadn't moved on. But she couldn't do that. There was a curse to break and a promise to keep.
“I knew you'd come to your senses, darling.” Alexander's voice pulled her back to the present.
Mr Crab clasped his hands together excitedly. “It feels like I've travelled back in time! Shall I prepare for a wedding?”
Alexander raised his eyes, expecting Sali to answer. She cleared her throat. This was it, this was how she would break the curse.
“Yes. Prepare for a wedding.”
Alexander leapt at her. He carelessly wrapped his arms around Sali's waist, lifting her into the air. “I knew you would! I knew it! I've waited so long!”
“My ring?” She pushed him away, holding out her palm. “Shall I put it on now?”
“Yes. Yes!” Within a second the ring was sitting in her palm. It felt warm, on fire. With each second that Sali held it her hand grew warmer.
She felt a rumble beneath her feet. The whole mansion shook. The chandelier clanged from the roof, dust erupted in clouds and plates were knocked from their shelves. As the building rumbled, the drape unfastened from the ceiling and floated to the ground. When it came to rest, the ground calmed.
There was a peace in the air. The danger had escaped from it.
Sali knew that she'd done it, she could tell by the startled looks in the ghosts' eyes. The curse was broken.
“I will not marry you!” She dropped the ring in her pant pocket. “You greedy, murderous, devil of a ghost!”
“No!” Alexander howled. “I've waited so long! You accepted my ring!”
“I've broken your curse!” She hissed. “And now you have nothing left in this world. You're nothing! Even your mansion is in ruins!”
Mr Crab looked at his feet, ashamed. Alexander's blue cheeks turned a furious shade of purple.
“She's right, sir.” Mr Crab whimpered. “Can we go now?”
“Go! After everything... you've tricked me!” He clasped his hair, tearing at the long locks. Sali could see the pain and anger flooding through him, electric waves in his blue body. “I'm done!”
She watched with awe as the two ghosts were overcome by a shadow, a darkness which emerged from the earth. They screamed, and the men exploded, creating a ball of fire. Then the flames were sucked into the ground, and they were gone.
In complete silence, Sali looked down at her body. Her time was up too. She could go, if she wanted. Or she could stay for Aristo.
Sali looked at the cord around her corpses' neck. She willed herself to enter it, to possess it. The cord floated into the air, then she dropped on the floor beside her. It was out in the open now, where Aristo would find it.
~
For the next ten years, Sali kept her promise. She was always there to protect her brother.
When Aristo awoke from nighmares, Sali would sit on his bed and give words of comfort. When he was bullied at school, Sali would possess stationery and frighten the bullies. When he learned to drive, Sali warned her brother about any dangers on the road ahead. When he cried over heartbreaks, she reminded him that he had his whole life to look forward to.
For ten years, Aristo kept the black stone around his neck and Sali's ghost never strayed far. But she always felt that strange tugging in her gut, that call to let go of earth and move on.
One evening, Aristo said the thing she had been both fearing and hoping for.
“You've protected me so well, Sali, but I can look after myself now. Go and say hello to our parents. Do you remember where to find them?”
“Up in the sky, dancing with our family, the angels.”
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Hi there! Just going to leave some of my thoughts here about your piece:
Two areas that I would suggest looking at are:
1) Eliminate what is unnecessary. You've probably heard the Chekhov principle that you shouldn't have a gun in act one if it doesn't go off in act 3. (Main principle is important especially in short stories where you have limited space to convey your thoughts, although don't really need to go quite to that extreme)
A few places you could do this at are eliminating redundancy -- like when in the second paragraph you say that Aristo is scared it's not really necessary because you've already given hints of a nightmare within the setting and then further clarify with the dialogue question "what's wrong".
A few places where the details seemed a bit random or unnecessary -- the detail about Sali watching movies, doesn't give us new details about her character, nor does it move the plot along.
2) Pacing. For the most part you did a great job of keeping the reader interested by moving quickly through the plot, but there were a few parts where the pacing might need some work.
Within the first few parts there seems to be eminent danger but mostly unanswered questions - like why exactly are the parents gone or dead and why is the grandmother so scared for them. I think this uncertainty helps leave a tension for the reader to continue to wonder at.
I think the plot moves too quickly once Aristo has disapeared and the grandmother hands over the gem -- mostly as a reader I'd like to know more of Sali's emotions at a point like this in the story, even if it was conveyed by action (trembling hands, fallen face, increased heart rate etc).
The line "Death didn't hurt a bit" also feels a bit stilted, as a reader, I pause and am like "what!?" I think this falling scene could be slowed down a bit too.
Now for some things that I think you really excelled on in this piece.
Characterization
It's really hard to establish clear and distinct characters within the space of a short story, but I think you did an excellent job of this. From the very beginning Sali shows nurturing qualities and seems very maternal, Aristo seems passive and frightened, etc. I love the line about how the Grandmother "slapped scrambled eggs" this small addition gave a lot of character to her I thought. I would have liked a bit more on the physical side of descriptions but I did enjoy your characterization overall!
A question for characterization is I think it'd be interesting to know just why the ghost wanted to marry Sali so badly, a bit more characterization on the ghost's motivation would be a great addition.
Dialogue
I'll also say I think you did a pretty great job with the dialogue in this piece. It all seemed to flow pretty naturally and you could tell who was saying which lines etc. Great job in this element.
Overall
Towards the end scene I don't feel like there is much resolution, and there are still a lot of questions for me. Overall, it is an interesting and unique story that I enjoyed reading, but I'm still left with a few questions.
Best,
~alliyah
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Hello Dracula, i enjoyed reading your story. it is very well thought out and provides great imagery. i loved the imagery you used to describe Aristo when he was having his nightmare. I could instantly visualize it in mind, without even knowing more details about him. The descriptions of the mansion were also really good. Overall, the story is great, however it can benefit from being longer. The story seemed a bit rushed, too many things were happening right after one another without much of a breather. Also, not much information was given as to how the curse could've been dealt with or the curse overall. There was no information as to how the rich man was able to curse the family or the types of effects the curse had on the family. I personally feel like Sali gave up to quick and didn't think of other options on how to deal with the curse before leaping to her death. I really do hope you make it longer or into chapters as i really enjoyed reading the story.