Jack pulled his suitcase from beneath the bed, and promptly began filling it with all the things he would need for a romantic weekend with Alice. His best suit, neatly folded, and the socks she'd knitted him for Christmas, were placed in the bottom of the case. They served as padding for the top-quality perfume bottle he held in his hand, a small favour for Alice, to set the mood for the main purpose of meeting her.
Jack placed the bottle in the suitcase and began fumbling around in his desk drawer. There it was, the little red-velvet box, hidden away from numerous failed proposals. It was never Alice's fault, she hadn't rejected him once. Fingering the small diamond, Jack recalled all the times they had planned to meet, but his job at the council had required he stayed home. That ring had been waiting so long to find the finger it was measured for, but now, gently placed beside the perfume bottle, it would be on its way.
Alice lived in Melbourne, a whole day away by train. They had first met through her father, another councilman. Jack believed that Alice was so patient with him because her father had made it evident how often unexpected assignments and meetings could drag someone away from their relations. He was grateful for her patience, but now she would not have to wait any longer.
There was a knock on the bedroom door, and his mother promptly stepped inside. She passed on the message that a call was waiting for Jack downstairs, in the family's famous music store. He made an effort to clear his mind of Alice, and patted down his jacket, then hurried downstairs to attend to the call.
Glancing at the polished floor, a sullen expression on his face, Jack placed the phone back on its wall holder. No matter his attempts, Alice flooded back into his mind like an avalanche, except he no longer felt excited or warmed in the heart. He felt the utmost disappoinment and carriage loads of guilt.
A secretary from the council office had just informed him that he was required to attend an important meeting, taking place at the very hour he was supposed to be boarding the train to Melbourne. He would no longer be holding Alice's soft, delicate hands in his, or assisting her in unfastening the new perfume bottle... he would no longer be able to place the ring on her finger. Not on Thursday at least. Perhaps, if he could renounce any further duties at the council, Jack could hop on a train the very next day. It might damage his reputation with the elder members of the council, but damn his career if it meant he couldn't be with the woman of his dreams.
"My dear Alice," he swept the ink back and forth on the postcard, his trembling hands causing it to blot at the end of each line. There was no way Jack could tell her of his delay by phone; he could not stand to hear the disappointment in her voice as she gave him kind reassurances. "I will not be in town on Thursday morning, but would like to see you on Friday morning at the Beehive Corner at 10:30. I will be there at that time. If not convenient," though he desperately hoped that it would be convenient, "let me know at the shop by telephone. Regards, Jack."
don't mind me~ i need write a short soon and i love your shorts so yeah inspiration lol
Hello!
I also liked the subtle references to the time period, it wasn't overwhelming which I liked. For example the postcard and the best suit, things like that. I loved the character as well. Even though there wasn't much to go by you could feel his love for Alice and his utter disappointment of not seeing her. It was evident in your writing style.
Ahh, this was so cute, sad as well but mainly cute
Positives-
Firstly I like that you were able to add in information, there was quite a bit for a small piece, but you were able to make it flow perfectly. That takes some doing
Improvements-
So there were only two small things I found. The first one was this sentence here, "Jack believed that Alice was so patient with him because her father had made it evident how often unexpected assignments and meetings could drag someone away from their relations." It's quite a long sentence and it doesn't have any commas so when you read it doesn't follow well. What I would suggest is to take out the "Because" and put a comma instead. Secondly, the section where he is at the phone, when it says "Glancing at the polished floor", maybe make this a new paragraph. There is a slight time difference and a new paragraph would show that.
Overall really enjoyed this piece and will be looking at your other work to find some more hidden gems. Keep writing.
I think you did a really good job, however, I feel like the story was not nearly capturing enough to be as short as you have it. I think less transitioning from the beginning to the middle would give the story a faster pace and more exciting feel, also the ending is concluded, but it's not satisfying. None the less your story is developed I think there are a few small touches you can make to bring a bigger audience and get some more people interested. Hope I could of been of some help to you, if not, well keep writing.
Hi there! I'm Kat and I'll be reviewing this today. Alright so first things first, what i enjoyed about it, story-wise. It was very sweet, and even though the story wasn't that long I really felt I got to feel the story and the way Jack thought about Alice. I also felt that I got a sight into that time with the characters and I felt the way you wrote really sent me to the time it was set in. Writing-wise, again I feel the writing really lead me to feel you knew what you were doing and you're skilled as a writer. Now for the critiques. Being the "Grammer-Nazi" I am I couldn't find anything wrong there. This is more specific to the story rather than your writing. Seeing how short the story is I would have really loved getting to see more of Jack and Alice and I would have loved to see their meeting and his proposal, but of course this is just a short story about how they were separated by his work. If I'm being honest I can't really find much for you to improve on, but if you would like to improve you should totally write a longer sequel because I really want one because I loved this.
Thanks!
I just love romance shorts! They can be sad, mysterious, joyus, or just plain romantic! I liked your idea of writing down how work more often than not gets in the way of love. I enjoyed how he decided that Alice was more important than his job at the end. There isn't much I would change about this. It's the first short I've read that didn't leave me with any questions.
Thanks!!
My computer's having problems. Can you delete this comment for me? I'm new so I don't know how.
@Iggy