“Don’t lurk in the dark, Eliza Jane Clairvoyant, or the poltergeist will get you!” That was what the grim-faced Matron had told Eliza on her first night at Edelweiss’ Boarding House. Coupled with the eery ghost stories of her peers, Eliza hadn’t slept a wink.
Edelweiss’ was a grand old mansion with ivy growing in the cracks of its walls and a wide stone staircase connecting five floors. During the day, the building bustled with the energy of a hundred young girls. They cooked cupcakes, recited poems, learnt about history and how to solve complicated sums. At break times, the girls would run outdoors and play games in the trees. But when it turned dark, the lights flickered gloomily and the air was musty, creating a haunted atmosphere.
Eliza had been placed in a dormitory with eleven much older girls who had all spent previous summers at the boarding house. This was Eliza’s first, and she was yet to make a friend.Though they included her in card games and let her listen to evening bouts of gossip, Eliza couldn’t bring herself to start a conversation. She was far too shy.
So, once a cooking lesson ended and her peers ran outdoors to play cricket, Eliza started up the wide, lonely staircase. She planned to spend her evening exploring the old mansion and all the beautiful paintings adorning its walls. There were portraits of princesses and men holding ancient scrolls, pictures of lovers in France, and even an old lady with a cat sitting on her head.
When Eliza passed a painting of a fairground, she could almost smell the popcorn and hear the humming tune of amusement rides. There was a girl in it with her hair in ringlets, wearing a purple dress and a ruffled collar. A wide smile was plastered on her face. Eliza wished she was at the fair, having as splendid a time as the girl, rather than at Edelweiss’ Boarding House without a friend to talk to.
“Hello there!” Eliza froze, hearing the joyful voice whisper directly in her ear. Except there was no one else on the stairs. She thought of the cackling ghosts her peers had told stories about, and the poltergeist rumoured to walk the halls. A shiver ran down her spine when the voice whispered again. “Over here! In the painting.“
She turned slowly, coming face to face with the canvas. The little girl in the fairground was beaming. Eliza gasped, the painting was talking to her!
“Huh... hello?” She stuttered in reply.
“Hello! I’m Ethel May Wetherell. What’s your name?”
“I’m Eliza.”
“Is that all?” Ethel asked, tilting her head.
“Umm…” She couldn’t believe it, yet there was no doubt about it. The girl made of paint and brushstrokes was definitely talking to her. “My full name… it’s Eliza Jane Clairvoy.”
The girl’s face brightened, her eyes sparkling. “Ooh! Does that mean you’re a fortune teller?”
“No. I’m just a student.”
Ethel rolled her eyes. ‘Well, I knew that!” Eliza blushed and the fairground girl quickly added, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude.”
“That’s okay.” Eliza silently reprimanded herself, feeling silly for stating something so obvious. That was why she didn’t talk to the other girls, she was always saying the wrong things.
A cold gust of wind crept up the staircase, carrying the sound of the Matron’s heavy brass bell. She could hear the patter of feet on the floor below and realised that the other girls were being herded inside. Eliza would have to hurry to her dormitory soon, it was getting late. She didn’t want to be caught lurking in the dark, not by a poltergeist and especially not by the Matron.
“I should probably go.” She told Ethel.
“Oh no! Please stay!” Eliza’s eyes widened as the girl moved within her painting. Ethel stepped to the side, touching the frame, so that Eliza had a full view of the fairground. The merry-go-round was marvelous, lit up with the colours of the rainbow. Miniscule brushstrokes formed the outlines of horses and motor cars, twirling around in circles. Eliza shuffled closer to the canvas and could faintly hear children laughing and the bubbly tunes of the ride. There were silhouettes of fair-goers dotted all over, some jumping with joy and some holding boxes of popcorn, which she could smell. Eliza felt she was viewing a dream.
“Say you’ll come and play, Eliza Jane. We could have so much fun!”
“I can go inside?”
“Of course! Just take my hand.” Ethel reached out her arm, and Eliza watched with disbelief as it pushed through the canvas, a very tangible, human hand hovering only inches from her own.
Eliza considered pinching herself, could she be dreaming after all? But everything seemed so real. The touch of the wind, the musty smell of approaching night, the feel of cold stone at her feet, and the voices below. Then there was the girl in the fairground, her hair in beautiful ringlets, the scent of popcorn and the music of the merry-go-round wafting behind her. Even if it was a dream, Eliza didn’t want to wake up.
The pit-patter of shoes on the stairs grew louder, and Eliza could hear the chattering of her peers. She had only seconds to decide whether not she was going with Ethel, who was biting her lip with anticipation. Eliza reasoned that she wasn’t the ghost of a cranky old hag, or a pesky poltergeist. She was kind, and would make a good friend.
“Alright. I’ll come.” Eliza took Ethel’s warm hand and, in a whirlwind of white, was sucked into the painting.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
The trope of paintings being portals into another world is actually not a remarkable concept, but something I feel like could definitely be used in fun ways. I haven't seen it being used in a while now, and there's something nostalgic about feeling the wonder of seeing art come to life again, something heavily...dreamlike.
With that being said, I do have my problems with this work, despite everything. As I've said before, the premise has been done before, but I don't think that's a downside either--unoriginal premises can always be given original twists, and if that doesn't work, pulling it off in the best way possible is also an option. However, I'm not sure if I've seen that come to play here. We have our shy, somewhat lonely girl whose talking to this lively, outgoing painting, and whether everything the girl is seeing is real is up to the reader--but I feel like there's something lacking here. There's room for an interesting story of escapism from real life, and maybe the consequences of it, and there's a lot of paths to take to go to Rome. Will the girl end up staying in the painting? Will the girl and the painting be able to stay together? Maybe the painting will be destroyed, and the girl will have to learn how to live without? Will the painting try to replace the girl? There's a lot to explore here, and ultimately I think it falls to two things, currently: presentation, and character development.
Initial Presentation
What I mean when I say presentation is how the story is introduced. I'll be honest, I wasn't entirely impressed by the beginning. It's interesting that you started out with the protagonist being afraid and sleepless, but that momentum you built up is sort of lost when you start explaining the setting immediately after. Setting explanation is important, but I feel like it's reserved to a calmer tone--perhaps while the protagonist is exploring the mansion, they can think about how they got into Edelweiss, what Edelweiss is like in their perspective?
That's also important. I felt like the description of Edelweiss was a little too objective, too formal for a work like this. It could work (everything can in certain situations) but by then we've met the protagonist, a meek little girl whose more than a little insecure and in need of companionship, and for us to relate to that sort of personality it's a good idea to have the narration be a part of that. This is just my opinion, but it would be great to hear Eliza's experiences with Edelweiss ("the first time Eliza came to the ivy-beleaguered walls of Edelweiss...") and how quiet and lonely Eliza might feel as the halls are bustled with girls, or something to set the tone of the main character. Because this also falls in line with,
Characters
Of course, I'm intrigued with Ethel and Eliza's relationship. I don't know what kind of friendship it'll blossom into, but the thing with friendships is that you have to have a good grasp of both characters before you could ever root for their connection. I can feel the essence of what these two characters are supposed to be--Eliza is the more reserved, shy half, while Ethel (though it's too early to tell) might be the more playful half--but right now, I feel like they're still a bit one-dimensional.
The tricky thing with short stories is that, of course, 2k-4k words isn't enough for a two-character study. By the one thousandth word count, the audience has to have a good grasp of the characters personalities and what they would do in different situations, or else it might feel like the story is dragging. Thus, a lot of short stories try to make somewhat generic or simple characters that show more complexity through the story that's being told. In that way, you're on the mark--but you need to make sure that there's a bit of development between the two characters throughout the story. I'll be moving on to the next part after this, but it's worth asking what Eliza learns by the end of the story, or how the two characters change, or what makes the two characters any different than the tropes/stereotype they're assuming.
I think dialogue would do this work good, as well. Ethel seems like a playful character, add some playful dialogue that might provoke Eliza. Word choice is important. What year was Ethel painted? Maybe it's worth studying how people talked during that year, and project that onto Ethel. It would give Ethel a clear distinction from Eliza speech wise, and it also gives her a more interesting historical background. Is Eliza intelligent? Maybe she uses big words because she likes to read books. Maybe she's very laconic, because she doesn't want to take anybody's time by speaking too much. Or maybe she's so shy she stutters a little too much, and has a tendency to ramble. Things like this give characters personality and flavor that narration might not be able to portray.
When in doubt, put the two in a bit more pressure and see how they react to it. Maybe Eliza becomes a little sarcastic, a little sassy? Or maybe she just doubles down on her shyness and becomes even more desolate? In any case, the more extreme the emotion gets, the more interesting it is to see the results.
Overall Presentation
The whimsical feel of the whole thing is interesting, and I feel like it would be great if you put it up to eleven. I'm thinking Lemony Snicket or Enid Blyton (two extremes but still), either could work really. C.S Lewis? One of the famous children authors. The fun thing about those authors though is that while there narration seems simple enough, it's a calming contrast with the eccentric and magical story and characters, so it'd be fun if the characters talked in such an extreme way that the readers are forced to read it in a different voice than the narrators'.
That's all I have for now. Feel free to ask if my thoughts don't seem cohesive.
--Elliot.
Thanks for the help! I'm definitely going to focus on making Eliza's feelings more prominent at the beginning when I get to editing. That's a great idea!
Hey Dracula, Gravity here for a review!
Oh. My. Gosh. First let me say, your description was uh-may-zing. Yes, I did just say that like a typical highschool girl because it was amazing. I love it. I could actually picture the stone building of the boarding school and the gallery of paintings Eliza walked through, I thought it was beautiful.
I'm curious as to why Eliza's last name is "Clairvoyant". That means somebody who can tell the future, so is this supposed to be foreshadowing or...? So yeah, that peaked my curiosity.
The only criticisms I really have are: 1. I would really like to know Eliza's age vs. the age's of the other girls and why Eliza is so much younger and 2. I wish I knew the time period of this story. It could just be a young girl in an old mansion exploring, or it could be a young girl in a large, luxurious mansion exploring. See what I mean?
The last thing I really really liked was what you showed us about Eliza's situation. When Eliza tells the painting she is a student and immediately feels stupid for it, it shows us how Eliza's current situation has impacted her self esteem. I like how you kept that a prominent theme throughout the story, which made Eliza's desire to go into the painting make sense.
I lied. I do have one criticism. WHY IS THIS NOT A NOVEL CHAPTER? IT'S SO GOOD.
I loved this! Keep writing!
XOXO,
Gravity
This is very intriguing story, I wanted to know more about the school and the ghosts that lived there.
Positives:
- Easy to follow description, sometimes people go overboard with description which isn't bad but for me causes me to fall asleep. But with yours it was easy to read and get an image of what you were illustrating.
- Intriguing characters and relatable setting. I can relate to Eliza, i was really shy in school plus, the way you wrote her caused me to sympathise with her. The adventure is great too, especially since she's got no friends and it's a boarding school, i can understand the thrill of being involved in something no one knows about.
Negatives:
-You didn't describe Eliza's appearance so i was forced to make up my own.
- Her reaction to the ghost I don't feel is realistic, she should be scared at first then her curiosity urges her to visit her again. Or tell others that the painting talked to her and they should call her crazy.
Other than that loved it!