z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Inter-dimensional Hide and Seek

by Dracula


“Can I come with you?” Thomas tugged on his older brother’s coat.

“No way,” Parker shoved the seven-year-old away and joined his two friends on the porch. “This is big-kid business. If you’re bored, go ask an adult.”

Thomas sighed. His brother never let him join in, and he was always telling Thomas to bother the adults instead. But he didn’t want to ask his Mum for a story or help the housekeeper clean, he wanted to have an adventure like Parker! Nevertheless, Thomas followed his brother’s order and went to find an adult.

For the rest of the morning, Thomas imagined what Parker, Harry and Mike were getting up to. It was only after lunch, when he happened to walk by his brother’s bedroom door, that he overheard the truth.

“Mike’s lost in another dimension,” Harry gulped.

“He might have found his way out, maybe he’s gone home…” Parker said.

Ear pressed firmly against the door, Thomas was able to figure out that the boys had snuck into their father’s laboratory and found a portal into a parallel dimension. The portal came out at the railway station. In their world, it was long-closed and used as a museum, but they were surprised to find it working. The boys had enjoyed watching the trains, but then they’d spotted the scientists come through after them and had to split up. Parker and Harry had met safely on the right side of the portal, but they’d last seen Mike disappear down a hallway at the station, and now he was lost!

Thomas couldn’t help himself. This was the sort of adventure his Mum read about in storybooks. He pushed against the door and entered the room. As soon as he stepped inside he was thrust against the wall, hands held high by Parker.

“What are you doing?” He hissed. “Were you listening?”

“Yes…” Thomas stammered. “I want to help!”

Parker let go of his brother and looked to Harry. “What do we do now?”

“We can’t just shoo him away, he’ll tell everyone.” Harry pulled at his hair. “What do we dooo?”

Thomas gave a subtle jump of joy as Parker closed his door. He then snatched the bedside phone, pulling the cord taut. “First we’ll call Mike’s mum. If he’s not home, then we’ve got to go back through the portal and find him.”

To Thomas’ delight, Mike was not at home.

“Can I go through with you?” He asked the older boys.

“No!” Parker snapped. Thomas’s stomach dropped. He thought the boys had accepted him into their group, he thought he was going to have an adventure. As his face twisted and squirmed into Niagra Falls, Parker quickly added, “Don’t cry! You’re too young, Tom, it’s too dangerous.”

“But I want to have an adventure…” he sobbed.

Harry rushed over and knelt at his level. “Here’s your adventure, you have to pretend you’re a spy and it’s your mission to keep all of this top secret. Okay?” Thomas put his hands on his hips, he wasn’t a baby. Parker rolled his eyes.

“We’re trusting you to keep this secret,” Parker said, “Mike might die if you don’t.” Thomas stiffened. There was no way he was going to responsible for Mike’s death. But he wanted to help, he wanted to be a big boy. Surely he could do something apart from keeping a secret?

“Look,” Parker opened the door and gave his brother a nudge, “if you want something else to do, go ask an adult.” He narrowed his eyes. “But don’t say anything about this.”

The door was shut in his face, but Thomas didn’t move away. Even if Parker and Harry didn’t want him to, Thomas was going to help. He put his ear to the door and listened.

The boys were worried about how they would find Mike. Since the railway station in their dimension was a museum, most of it was closed to the public. They had no idea where the maintenance tunnel led, or how they’d get back if the way they came was obstructed. But the boys were going to go anyway, since Mike was in danger.

Thomas was about to get out of sight when he heard Parker say one last thing, “I wish I had a map.” That gave Thomas an idea. He would help find Mike. And he would do exactly what his brother had ordered. He would go and ask an adult.

Thomas felt like a grown up with the map of the train station in his arms. It had been too easy; he’d just walked into the museum and asked a man if he had a map of the station before it had closed. The man had been very happy to help, and now Thomas held exactly what his brother needed.

The conveniently located science lab was only ten minutes from the station, but nevertheless, Thomas was hungry after the walk. He had snatched some cupcakes from the kitchen before he’d left home. No adults had noticed; his Mum was in the study working and the housekeeper was busy baking.

Thomas settled under the shade of a tree and got stuck into his afternoon tea. Chewing on the chocolate cake, he began devising a plan on how to find Parker and Harry, and get through the portal to Mike.

It wouldn’t be too hard. The lab was a reasonably small, rectangular building. From beneath the tree, he could see both ends of it, so Thomas figured it would be easy to find the portal inside. Getting past any adults would also be a breeze, he could just say he was visiting his Dad and they wouldn’t suspect a thing. Thomas knew Parker and Harry were going into the other dimension, so he decided that the best way to find them was to find the portal. Then he’d give them the map, and they’d emerge victoriously with Mike.

Thomas shoved the last piece of cake into his mouth and grinned. He had his whole adventure planned perfectly. That was the one good thing about being little, you didn’t have to worry about much. Everything just sort of fell into place.

And it did.

“I came to see my Dad,” Thomas told the receptionist who was blocking his way. “He told me to wait up there for him.” He pointed down the hall, which was the only hall in the building. Thomas, like the adventurous spy he was, deduced that the portal would be at the end of it.

The receptionist pondered his words for a second, but moved aside when he gave her a puppy-eyed smile. “Alright,” she said, “but you better not be lying.”

“I’m not, honestly,” he said with crossed fingers, then scurried past her and down the hall.

Thomas didn’t meet anyone else on his waltz down the corridor. He passed three doors, each with the sound of workers busily doing sciency things, but none of the doors opened. Thomas wondered which one his father was in, but decided he didn’t want to know. His dad could not find out about this, Parker had said it was top secret!

The final door, the one at the end, was open just a smidge. Thomas’s eyes lit up and he pushed it open a little further, the hinges creaking. Flashing lights speckled his skin, and a low humming vibrated in his ears. But none of these sensations matched the sheer excitement he felt when he saw the portal.

It was a massive door frame with purple light shooting from corner to corner, making an X. The areas around the light were transparent, showing the back wall, but although Thomas looked through it, he knew that he wasn’t quite looking at his world. Something was… different.

He jumped with fright as someone yanked on his arm, pulling him behind a filing cabinet. The portal left his vision and Thomas found himself looking at a very angry Parker and Harry.

“Did you follow us?” Parker hissed.

“No, I came to find you,” Thomas whispered, keeping his voice low so no enemy spies would hear.

“I said you couldn’t come with us.”

“But I want to help…”

“He’s here now,” Harry glanced nervously at the door, “let’s just take him with us.”

“What if we lose him?” Parker said. “If he gets lost in another dimension we’re dead.”

Thomas reached for his map, his bargaining chip, and held it for the boys to see. “I can’t get lost because I’ve got this!”

Parker snatched the piece of paper, exchanging glances between the map and Harry.

“There’s the tunnel Mike went down.” Harry planted a finger on the map and Thomas watched impatiently as his fellow-adventurers made up their minds. He had no doubt they’d let him join them, though, Thomas had watched enough movies to know that they couldn’t leave him behind for the adults to find.

“Alright,” Parker said. “We need this map, so you can come with us. But do everything we say. Okay?”

Thomas nodded.

“Now let’s get through the portal before someone realises we’re here!”

Stepping through the portal was like climbing out of a swimming pool. Thomas could feel the purple tendrils of light wrapping around him. They gave a small itch, like the feel of his Dad’s woollen jumper when they cuddled. For a second, all he could see was the outline of Harry in front of him, then Thomas felt the light fall off his skin, like water dripping to the ground, and he was looking at the train station.

It was a lot different than the museum. Where there had only been a few people dressed like teachers and tourists, there were now crowds of adults in all sorts of clothes. They pushed and shoved each other, mumbling and chatting, their voices mixed with the toot-toot of a… train!

Thomas jumped with joy when he saw the top of a train chugging by the platform. It let off one great honk and the crowds started bolting for its doors. Thomas found himself going with the flow, the parallel dimension was so intriguing and he wanted to explore! But Parker grabbed his hand and pulled in the opposite direction.

“We’ve got to find Mike,” Parker reminded him. Thomas righted his posture; of course, that was their mission.

“The tunnel’s over there.” Harry pointed to a narrow corridor with a sign above it which said ‘Maintenance. Staff Only.’

“It’s been a few hours,” Parker said as they hurried to the tunnel, “d’you think he’s still there?”

Harry shrugged. “We better hope he is, or we’re dead.”

Though already filled with the sounds of busybodies and train honks, Thomas’ ears were not prepared for the booming voice which came next.

“STOP RIGHT THERE!” A hulking man stomped towards them before they could slip into the tunnel. “Where do you kids think you’re going? The sign says staff only.

Thomas froze, this man wasn’t like the other adults he had encountered. His face was a fiery red, with bulging veins and angry eyes. Thomas did his best to form puppy eyes, but they weren’t going to be effective.

“We know, sir.” Parker stepped defensively in front of his brother and friend. “But I was looking after my siblings, you see, and this thief grabbed my mother’s purse, and my little sister…”

Thomas wondered where Parker was going with all these lies. Yeah, he’d told a little lie back at the lab, but this one was getting bigger and bigger. If only their mum knew! But Thomas reminded himself it was all part of their adventure. This man was an enemy, and they had to overcome him, just like in the movies.

“My little sister ran down there,” Parker pointed down the tunnel, “so we’re going to find her, because our Mum is too preoccupied with her stolen purse. Maybe you could go and help her?” He pointed towards a random crowd. “She’s over there…”

“Of course, I will!” The man put his hands on his hips. “That’s my job, after all! Go and get your sister, boy. Hurry up though, the cleaners will be coming soon and you better not get in their way.” He mumbled something about having to sit on dirty chairs and stormed off towards the crowd.

“Bravo, Parker!” Harry high-fived his friend, and Thomas was delighted when he was allowed to do the same.

“Thanks,” Parker pushed Thomas into the tunnel, “now let’s go and find Mike.”

Looking at his map, Thomas knew the tunnel led to a single door. But when they reached it, it was locked.

“Is Mike in there?” He asked the older boys.

“Maybe…” Harry snatched the map from Thomas’s hands, earning a warning glance from Parker, and read the tiny print. “This is the maintenance store-room,” he explained, “probably where they keep the cleaning gear.”

“The guard said that the cleaners would be coming soon,” Parker added.

While they talked about cleaning, Thomas’s attention wavered to a faint sobbing from behind the door. He balled his fist and hit the metal surface, making a small rapping sound. The boys all froze and listened when a louder bang answered.

“Parker?” It was Mike’s voice. “Harry? Is that you?”

“Yes!” The boys shouted in triumph.

“And Thomas!” The youngest added. It was important that Mike knew he had helped.

“Both doors are locked,” the prisoner complained. “I’ve been stuck in here for hours.”

“We’ll think of something,” Parker began, but Thomas had been correct in thinking that everything would fall into place, because right then a cleaner appeared in the tunnel.

“What on earth are you kids doing here?” The freckle-faced man asked. Thomas recognised him. It was the kind man who worked at the gas station. So what was he doing here? Paralell dimensions were weird.

Parker and Harry seemed to recognise him too and they were equally confused.

“Sorry, Mr Andrews,” Harry said. “We were…” He looked at Parker.

“We were playing hide and seek.”

“Down here?” The man put his hands on his hips, and at the same time, Thomas began swaying on the spot, thinking of a plan. “Didn’t you read the sign? Staff only, it said.”

“Well, what are you doing here, then?” Harry asked, but Parker shot him down.

“It’s my fault,” Thomas displayed his best puppy eyes. He was going to act cute, that nearly always worked, and he’d take his brother’s advice as well: ask an adult. “I wanted a broom to pretend-fly on and I told Mike I would cry if he didn’t get me one. So he went in there.” He turned around and pointed at the door, squeezing his eyelids together to produce tears. “Except now he’s stuck and we’re all in trouble. Please help us, Mr Andrews, I don’t wanna be in trouble.”

The man lowered dropped his hands, reaching for a set of keys in his pocket. “There there, don’t start crying on me… I came to get my own broom anyway.” He put the key in the hole and turned, pushing the door open.

Mike was sitting on the floor, when he saw them he jumped to his feet. Thomas watched longingly as he flung his arms around Parker and Harry.

“I thought I’d be locked in here forever! Thanks a bunch guys!” Mike’s eyes lowered, finding Thomas, and he withdrew from the embrace. “Parker, what’s your brother doing here? If you parents knew, they’d kill us…”

“Thomas helped,” Parker said.

“Yeah,” Harry added, “you’d still be stuck without him.”

“Thanks, kid,” Mike said. He didn’t give Thomas a hug, but the bright smile was reward enough.

“Look,” Mr Andrews piped up. While the boys were celebrating, he’d been grabbing his cleaning equipment. The four kids patted down their clothes and tried to act like everything was normal. “This seems to be some intense game of hide-and-seek-pretend-flying-whatever, but I’ve got work to do and you’re not meant to be here.”

The boys all mumbled their agreement, edging towards the door, but Mr Andrews bet them to it. As the cleaner turned his keys in the lock, Thomas wondered whether he was going to imprison them in the storage room and trap them in another dimension forever.

“We need that door to get out.” he said.

“Oh, you’re not breaking the rules again. You can go out that door,” he pointed at a larger door on the opposite side of the room, “and come out where you’re actually allowed to be.”

Mr Andrews unlocked the door and pushed them into a large, crowded hall. The volume instantly rose, with chatter filling their ears. The boys had to keep shuffling around to avoid being walked into, and it was near impossible for Thomas to see where he was with all the tall adults around him.

“Where are we now?” Harry asked.

“More to the point,” Mike practically had to shout to be heard, “how do we find the portal?” He pulled at a tuft of his hair. “I’ve never been in here before!”

For just a second, Thomas was scared that they’d never get out, but then he remembered his bargaining chip, the treasure of his adventure.

“Don’t worry!” Parker smiled at his brother. “Tom has a map!”

Finally, Thomas felt like he was truly in the movies, living his dream. He held the map of the train station proudly in front of him, leading an expedition of four brave, dimension-defying adventurers back to the portal. It didn’t matter that he couldn’t see two metres in front, he was smart enough to figure out which direction they needed to go, and weaved the boys through the crowd with ease.

When they emerged through the portal, back to their dimension, Thomas felt like a superhero. Everything had fallen into place and worked out brilliantly; their mission was a success.

No one in the lab bothered them as they strutted down the corridor. They passed a door to the meeting room, where all the adults were seated at a desk listening to Thomas’ father. None of them would have a clue what the boys had been up to.

Except possibly the receptionist.

“Hey!” She banged a fist on her desk as they headed for the exit. “Where have you been? I looked everywhere!” She eyed Thomas’ companions. “And where did you three come from?”

“We were visiting my Dad,” Thomas said, but he didn’t know what else to say.

Parker placed an encouraging hand on his brother’s shoulder. “That’s right, and you should probably keep your voice down. He’s giving an important speech.”

The receptionist was about to say something, but looked down the corridor and held her tongue. Mike pushed against the glass door, and they filed outside before she could stop them, picking up their pace as they walked away from the building.

Stopping under the shade of the tree, the boys erupted in laughter.

“That was brilliant!” Harry said. “We were in another dimension!”

“And I was almost stuck there!” Mike exclaimed, sweeping a hand across his brow. Thomas mimicked the action, breaking out in more giggles.

Parker clapped his brother on the back, “Everything worked out thanks to Thomas.”

“Yeah,” Harry high-fived the ecstatic boy, “good work! But how’d you get that map?”

“I did what Parker told me,” Thomas explained, “and asked an adult.”

Parker kicked a tuft of grass, his cheeks growing red. “Sorry about that… I won’t dismiss you again. You can hang out with us from now on.”

“Yes!” Thomas leapt and fist-bumped the air. He had finally done it! He was one of them now- part of Parker’s group, a big boy! Spotting some cake crumbs under the tree, he thought about all the different parts of his adventure- going to the train station, travelling to another dimension, finding Mike, overcoming enemies, and navigating the maze of adults. He would never forget his first adventure as one of the big boys, and he vowed to have many, many more.


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Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:08 pm
Kale wrote a review...



Hello hello. I'm here as requested to review this, so let's get down to business!

Overall, this was pretty cute, and I can see children around Thomas' age really enjoying reading this.

With that said, I felt like everything feel into place a little too neatly just-because, and while having everything fall neatly into place in Thomas' favor is part of the story, I think you could do a better job of showing how those pieces fall into place.

For example, rather than Thomas walking down the hall with all the doors closed, having him catch sight of his father speaking to the other scientists as he walks down the hall would help set up the lack of adults in the back room with the portal, and it would also make the excuse that Parker gives at the end a bit more credibility (because who is the receptionist to say that they weren't sitting in the crowd and she just didn't see them when she looked for Thomas).

I did however find it rather strange that the room with the portal was entirely unguarded and unlocked because objects of scientific study are usually pretty restricted in who has access to them. On the one hand, if you know that, it completely kills any suspension of disbelief, but on the other hand, I don't think a child in this age group would know of or particularly care about that sort of thing, and it makes for a fun story, so I can forgive it. ;P

Something I did find a bit interesting though was how, despite Thomas' reliance upon adults, he did a lot of sneaking things past the adults, which doesn't really set up a good example for how children should behave. I think having Thomas express more doubts about lying to adults (which he does express some, but I think there could be more), and having his desire for adventure override that would make for a bit more interesting character development.

At the moment though, with how Thomas and the boys got away with everything, this story sends the unfortunate message that it's okay for kids to lie to adults during adventures, if it means they don't get caught. You might want to look into adjusting that because if this is a story intended for children, the parents are going to object to that message and not let their children read this.




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Fri Sep 29, 2017 11:17 am
Atticus wrote a review...



Hi there Dracula! MJ stopping by for a short review today in honor of RevMo, trying to get caught up.

So firstly, I'm a little confused on how Thomas was able to figure out how the boys had snuck into their father's laboratory. That's a lot to piece together, and it doesn't seem likely that a seven-year-old boy had been able to both know all that, meaning he had been entrusted with a lot of knowledge at a young age, and also put all those small puzzle pieces. It just seems like too much of a stretch, so maybe if there were a few more hints and/or a little more dialogue, it could resolve the situation.

And secondly, I'm struggling with Thomas' motivation. Why does he go find an adult? Why not just bug the boys until they gave in? Why would he listen to his older brother if he's mad at him? It just doesn't seem to give Thomas a very strong personality, and that makes it a little bit confusing later on in the story where Thomas' determination proves to be very important.

And finally, everyone seems really concerned about Thomas' crying. As all parents and older siblings of 7-year-olds know, kids cry. A lot. About stupid stuff. When it happens, you just let them cry it out. It's not worth going to great lengths for, and everyone seems overly concerned about it and goes out of their way to contradict themselves. Unless Thomas is very special, then I don't see why it's so important to keep him happy all the time.

But overall, I really liked this idea of an inter-dimensional hide-and-seek and how you incorporated some realistic fiction in there to make it both relatable and a brand-new idea that no one had ever really experimented with before. It was a fun little read,which I assume was your goal, and it was well written. Good job on this, and I'll be around if you want more feedback or if my corrections were too vague.

Best wishes,
MJ




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Thu Sep 28, 2017 5:51 pm
ajruby12 wrote a review...



Hey, AJ here!

Oh my word, this is adorable! It sounds exactly like what would be going on the brain of a little sibling who wants to be around the bigger kids. (Sounds exactly like me with my older siblings, actually)

I think this story is fantastic! There's just a few things I'll point out.

- Be cautious of comma splices (putting a comma between two setences instead of a period, semicolon, or a conjuction) Example : "Getting past any adults would also be a breeze, he could just say he was visiting his Dad and they wouldn’t suspect a thing." Should be "Getting past any adults would also be a breeze; he could just say he was visiting his Dad, and they wouldn’t suspect a thing." Most of your grammar was correct, but I noticed that there were a few of those throughout the story.

- The location of the portals confused me for a while. I think maybe it was just me not reading carefully enough, but I thought that the portal entrance was in the railway station and that it went somewhere else. Reading back, I think that was explained fairly well, but you might consider a little clarification for people like me. :)

- "Thomas shoved the last piece of cake into his mouth and grinned. He had his whole adventure planned perfectly. That was the one good thing about being little, you didn’t have to worry about much. Everything just sort of fell into place." I LOVE this! xD

Again, this story is fantastic. The whole concept of a portal to another dimension was very chill to these boys, which I think is hilarious and also goes along with a kid mentality. Fabulous job on this one!

Keep on writing, and Happy RevMo!

-AJ




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Thu Sep 28, 2017 2:05 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

This was really interesting. It's funny that the whole thing was from the perspective of a young child instead of someone older, and that the main plot, the thing he really wanted, was just to be able to hang out with his older brother. Like portals and other dimensions are cool and all, but he really just wants to be one of the big boys. It was so funny.

Maybe it's for that reason that everything really did fall into place for him, but on that note: there's not a whole lot at stake in the story. I mean, I'm fine with Thomas wanting to be a big boy and Parker & Co. wanting to find Mike - that part's fine. It's just that there aren't any moments where I really feel like they're in danger or might not achieve their goals. The adults believe every lie they tell or else fall for Thomas' puppy-dog face, and the other dimension doesn't seem anymore dangerous than our own. So there wasn't any tension or anything, because there was never any doubt whatsoever that they'd rescue Mike and make it back to their own dimension.

Also, this was a bit awkward.

“Mike’s lost in another dimension,” Harry gulped.

“He might have found his way out, maybe he’s gone home…” Parker said.


Mostly because it's silly that Harry is just now saying that Mike's lost in another dimension, when he and Parker presumably have known that for at least a little while at this point. It comes across very much as "Harry is saying this so Thomas knows what's going on" instead of natural dialogue. I think you could keep things unclear a while longer and then bring in the other dimension after Thomas comes in the room, in a more natural way.

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That awkward moment when you jump out a window because your friend jumped out a window, then you remember that your other friend can fly.
— Rick Riordan, The Ship of the Dead