Young Writers Society

Oh man, I love it. Ace is so real. I like how unusual and striking Naomi is--and of course, I'm curious to find out what it was that got her so interested in that pendant, and why she reacted that way to Stephanie's name. Daly is my favorite character, though--with his totally chill manner and his "sort of beard that made other guys wish they had his face". I love that way of expressing it. It gives me a perfect mental image of that beard.

When I started reading the story, I wasn't necessarily expecting anything supernatural to happen, but the "imaginary boulder" incident has made me look forward to weirder things in the future.

I also love the clever analogies you use. My favorite was "with all the gravity of a glacier flattening mountains." I think it takes a certain kind of talent to be able to come up with such analogies.

There was one inconsistency I noticed when Naomi was insisting on asking Ace who had given him the pendant. First, he replied "a friend gave it to me," and later he said, "Like I said, my ex gave it to me." Then, when Naomi was pointing a gun at him, she said "where did your friend get that necklace?" drawing out the word "friend" like she didn't believe him. If he had referred to Steph as his ex, I don't think there would have been any reason for Naomi to say it that way. I suggest just letting Ace use the word "friend" both times and not refer to Steph as his ex.

In any case, I'm enjoying it a lot!

~Songmorning

Oh! I want to review this piece but it is just one of the pieces which makes me comment not so much. I do not really know what to say about this to make it better - it is that awesome. Or perfect. I dunno. Your grammar is excellent.

I don't understand about this:

Why she thought it was okay to act like they were still friends, when she hadn't even dumped him herself, she'd let her new boyfriend do it for her.

"Where did you get that?" She spoke slowly, like every word needed an equal weight, and had some weird accent.

"Wasn't going to," he said in the same tone he used with his sister's jumpy cat. If he didn't move slow, he'd get scratched, and Ace was sure she could scratch harder than the old tabby. "I was just showing you, it's right there. Three twenty-one, please."

His chest was collapsing under the pressure, his lungs refusing to work properly—and then it disappeared.

"Where did your friend get that necklace?" The way she drew out the word friend, she obviously wasn't believing him.

That was impossible, there had to be something else, but he had been the only thing that felt it.

Hey Ark! Happy review day!

I tried but failed to think of an air-related pun to open with this, so I'll go straight into the review. This was a really nice first chapter! It's an intriguing start. You've definitely succeeded in making my want to read more.

It's a good hook that doesn't have too much exposition and is exciting but simple. Ace just broke up with his girlfriend, so maybe his attention span at the moment isn't 100% focused on his job. Then, to his shock, he realizes that the convince store where he works is getting robbed and that he's got to act fast. It's a great, action packed start to your story, and what you've established here alone has successfully drawn me in.

Where you start to lose me a little bit is with the execution of this. Not that what you have here is bad- far from it- but I do think there's a lot more that you could do with this. Describe the setting. Describe how Ace feels. Yes, he's bored and it's late and dark and he's not over his breakup. But truly make us feel like we're there. Also, another thing that made me raise by eyebrows is that being robbed at gunpoint doesn't seem to phase him too much. He's very nonchalant about the whole thing, which is something I definitely think you could expand on.

Best of luck! Feel free to give me a shout if you have any questions.

Hey there, Ark! Night here for this lovely Review Day.

So to start off, I really, really love this chapter. I love the mysterious plot line, the descriptions, the unique characters, the names (I'm such a sucker for fun names XD), and the strength in the writing from beginning and end. Honestly, I finished it and was disappointed that you haven't written more. (If you do continue it, by the way, I'd love to be notified.)

I'll just go through the chapter bit by bit, I guess.

The very first sentence was great, because it got me hooked immediately. The way you phrased it made the reader know immediately that he was going to regret his failure of watching the parking lot, and that's interesting. I also loved how afterwards you didn't jump into the action immediately, but rather, made the reader squirm and wait as you built up your main character.

Ace's concern over his ex-girlfriend, the manner of narration, and his reactions were really well described and thought through, because he came off as believable character, like he could be a real person. Your attention to detail to his workplace and his reactions to it were also extremely well-done, such as with the slow, abused computer and the brand of cigarettes.

And then there was the action with Naomi. Just her appearance alone dredges up tons of questions. Why is she bald? Do her tattoos have significant meanings? Why does she carry a gun in the first place? Why is she so tired and jumpy over a convenience store clerk?
I personally felt giddy when she was introduced, because immediately the first sentence came back to mind, and the reader knew that something exciting was going to happen with her. And lo and behold, it did.

I'm a sucker for anything with superpowers or supernatural abilities, so I'm thrilled to see where you'll go with this. The mention of Green Lantern and the focus on Ace's necklace seemed to point in that direction as well as the obvious suspicious happenings, so again, super excited.

Again, I felt like you made Ace's reactions very relatable, but also admirable. Sure, he was completely confused, but he didn't start blubbering like a fool before the gun, and he was still able to talk coherently with Daly afterwards. I liked that.

And then there was the strange skip in time with Daly and his lighter. The descriptions were beautiful with the light bulb comparisons and whatnot. I loved how you used normal objects and turned them into the source of strange happenings, and I'm curious as to what these two are actually capable. They're badass, mysterious, and strangely lovable. I'm already attached to them.

I also felt like the cursing fit in well with the style of writing and characters. I know some people may complain, but let's be real: People curse all the time. It added even more to the realism to this chapter, and therefore made it even more surreal when strange events occurred. These characters feel real and I could visualize them, and then they turned around and did something impossible. I really like that.

And just like the first sentence, the closing sentence is very strong as well, and opens more questions than answers. While is closes the question of what Ace would regret from not paying attention earlier, it makes the reader hunger for more answers as to what exactly happened to him, and how Daly and Naomi will affect him in the future.

I'm also wondering if you don't intend Ace as your MC after all, but were merely using him as an intro for the other two, who will obviously drive the plot. It's just a theory, and I'd probably love it either way you go. But I won't know until you continue, will I?

Overall, I really love this chapter, as I've said a million times. I apologize for being so positive, but I think that you accomplished the goal of a first chapter beautifully. You left me with plenty of questions that make me eager to read on, but also got me attached to the characters enough that I can't rip away. I'd really appreciate if you tell me when the next chapters arrive, and I could try to be more critical. But as it is, I think that this is really well done. I have so much respect for you. ^-^

Keep writing and being amazing!

~Night

Alright, I'm here for a review on this since I couldn't find anything else to review! I love the main character's way of thinking, it's just so fun to follow with him. The necklace is also one of my favorite things, I love how it's just a Green Lantern necklace, I also loved the USB charger, which was great. I think this is well done, I don't have a lot to say about it, but I don't feel all the way sucked in yet, though, it only is the first chapter.

Even though I feel like I'm connected by wires to the main character's narrative, I don't feel immediately hooked, but that's okay. It's taking me time to adjust to the characters and all because it's unique. I just love the setting and the fun items and the characters and how they interact!

It's very different from what I usually read and I love it, other than the two problems I had with the thing, I don't think there's much else.

It seemed to me that I felt more attached to some parts than others, like, when Naomi doesn't want to be touched, I liked that moment, but not as much as I did when Daly came in.

The dialogue and the characters and the setting is the best part, I have a little trouble with the description, otherwise, I liked this!

I dunno, I think I have a stupid opinion, just my opinion!