A/N: Okay, so first poem in months <.< It's kind of rough, so help would be appreciated ^^ I rated it 12 for the morbid theme.
draw me a grave on the stained ground,
put me to rest without a doubt
and leave me be.
leave me be, alone,
with my thoughts and candy skies
let the memories sink me
and forget me not, please.
let you run off into the sunset
live your once-upon-a-time,
but first, please do dig,
in the moonlight, my grave
and let me rot into emptiness
leaving behind nothing worth
my time life, rather than a sigh,
a few words and a lullaby.
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Canary word: Present
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140,745 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
Hey Kat!!
Well, nice start, the poem was beautiful, how you described everything was beautiful, you rhythm was really good. Your wording was beautiful too.
Ok so for the theme, I loved how you developed it and how you described each and every part of it because it makes me feel as if you were grieving for your own death which is really interesting.
As for your rhythm, really good, althought there were still places in which I felt as if the flow stopped. Like in the first stanza, the las verse didn't quite fit the rhythm of the whole stanza.
In the third stanza, the first two words don't need to be there for we understand the you has already been mentioned.
But my favorite has to be the last stanza, especially for the rhyme that you gave to the last two verses.
Well, It's been months since I last reviewed poetry, so please forgive me for such small review.
XOXO
Pudin
Nice, strong first stanza. The comma isn't grammatically correct, and I think a semicolon works better than a period, colon, or dash.
Redundant. Just "alone" by itself is stronger, I think.
I like "candy skies" it sounds so tasty.
Too many "me"s too close together. I suggest "my ___". Right now, it seems a bit contradictory. Memories sinking someone makes me think of their being forgotten.
So far, you've addressed "you" indirectly, so the "let you" comes out of nowhere. Also, I think it flows better if the moonlight and dig phrases are rearranged.
The coherency of this stanza, especially the third line, needs work. I did like the rhyme of the last two lines; it ends the poem on a nice note.
Overall, not a bad start. My favorite part was the first stanza.
Good intention is what this poem has. I think it lacks a bit of emotion and does not connect the reader(me
) as it is supposed to. That is the only problem I have with it. Other than that, I still think it possesses some good use of words. And even though I say it lacks emotion, it still sends an array of pictures in my head, as I try to envision what you are saying. Good Job 