A/N: So, first poem in ages xD Reviews will be much appreciated ^.^
Withered
by Kat
I don't mind the thorns,
that clutch to my flesh
like piercing daggers
For the marks they'll leave,
I shall wear them as
signs of victory.
But as I see the petals
darken and wither,
and fall,
I can't help but feel sorrow
for as the thorns have left marks,
the once soft petals
have just fell
and faded into ignorance...
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140,755 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Good job. I really liked this. You have great images which jump out and grab you.
A couple of things though:
You say "sings" where it almost seems as if it would sound better as "signs." In the same type of thing, you say "fell" where it seems it would sound better if it said "fallen." The only other thing that seemed like it needed work was your punctuation - and the way the verses were split (it seemed a bit choppy).
Keep writing, and good luck!
I really like this. There were only two nitpicky things, one of which has already been pointed out. The other was I didn't think
read quite right. It is quite quirky, but it jars when you're reading it. I think it is - because thorns don't really clutch your flesh, they're more embedded?I really liked it. Especially the way you don't stick to a set pattern. It's very original - just the sort of poem I like to write and read.
I hope this is helpful!
Sophie
I quite enjoyed this poem. it is simple yet powerful
"sings of victory"
I think this should be "signs of victory"
But apart from that I can't realy see much wrong with it, because it isn't the kind of poem that would work well over-complicated.
Halycon