I have wished, hoped,
that this moment could be ours.
Forever, with no pain, no scars.
That time could stand still;
That somehow this could be fate,
and tomorrow could wait.
But time passed running by,
ignoring my hopes and dreams.
And I stand here, tonight
remembering our moments,
like incomplete fantasies.
If we could have every dream,
every wish; own every star,
would you not be so far?
*I'm sorry if this was a terrible read*
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This wasn't terrible at all! It was really a nice read. I like the message conveyed throughout the poem. The rhyming was a little awkward though. Remember, poems don't need to rhyme. For me, I prefer to write free verse, because if you try to rhyme, you might end up creating something dreadfully forced.
Don't give up! This poem has potential.
Keep writing!
Alright, so, it was certainly not a terrible read! *tsk tsk* Have some confidence.
So, your rhyming was rather sporatic, but I suppose you intended for that? The first stanza has a mixture of concrete rhymes, while the second stanza has a sort of slant rhyme between 'dream' and 'fantasies', and the third line has a concrete rhyme with the last two sentences. I'm not going to tell you that you need to rhyme more consistantly, but I am going to tell you that you might consider a steadying rhythm.
Why? Because, without rhyme, there are only two things holding your poem together: rhythm, and meaning/words. You've got a great concept and great word choice, so you have no issues there, but it's hard for your reader to establish a smooth enough flow when they're reading the poem to themselves. Now, this is easily fixed-- all you have to do is add some syllables or take some syllables out here or there. Just a suggestion, though; some poets prefer an erratic beat to their poems.
Either time passed by, or it ran by. Having both makes it a bit of a mouthful and a bit harder to grasp. Unless, of course, you'd like to just insert a comma after 'passed'.
And, in the very last line, should it not say 'we' instead of 'you'? Until then, you've been talking about the two people-- narrator and the person the narrator is writing two-- mainly in connection with each other, using 'we'. I see no reason to change it now.
Good job, and a nice poem! Consider a steadier rhythm for your poem's flow.
~Evi
My favorite line was the one about incomplete fantasies.
Thanks for the review! No, usually when sentences are between ** it means they're author's comments. Again, thanks!
beautiful piece!
Only thing I gotta say:
This wasn't part of the poem right? So, let's not put it there. =D It's a wonderful piece hun! Dont say those bad things about yourself. Don't apologize for posting something... if you dont feel if it's a good enough piece, then how do you expect us to feel that it is?
*huggles* It's a wonderful piece, so dont apologize for it tays?