Can I brake?

Can I brake?

by Kat

Something's just about to break.
I can almost hear it crack,
a sound of a dreadful mistake.

Something's getting in the way.
I can see the clouds hiding the sun,
transforming the light, the day.

You made me promise I'd try,
but now that you have left,
can I leave my life behind?

Can I cover the sun, can I brake?
Can I commit one more mistake?

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Points: 890
Reviews: 6

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Wed May 20, 2009 5:58 pm

crazyforyou wrote a review...

*writewatiwant* wrote:You made me promise I'd try,
but now that you have left,
can I leave my life behind?

i loved these lines. The way you used the other persons promise, and connected it to your leaving and their's, was brillant. it shows your feelings towards their actions and also reverse. INCREDIBLE! <3

Points: 890
Reviews: 11

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Tue May 19, 2009 3:26 am

muunilist10 wrote a review...

Great Job!

I only have two small suggestions,

I can almost hear it crack,

maybe change it to I can hear it moan and shake,

the second,

can I leave my life behind?

maybe your as in the other person's life would get your point across better?

Either way it was great! Keep um' coming!

Points: 44360
Reviews: 1087

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Mon May 18, 2009 2:46 pm

Sins wrote a review...

Hey x

I really did love this!

It wasn't majourly long and boring so it suited me well! I agree with Time8Keeper that my favourite three lines of the poem were:-
Something's getting in the way.
I can see the clouds hiding the sun,
transforming the light, the day.

I love that!
I agree that your poem is rather vauge but I personally think that being vauge is fine in some cases and I think it's fine in this poem.

I especially loved how the last two lines flowed perfectly into each other and how the last line was a perfect closer for the poem.

Overall, I reall liked this poem. For me it was very effective, short and sweet and it wasn't a poem about love! There are to many of them in my opinion!

Can't wait to read more!
Kepp writing,

Meg

xoxo

Points: 2548
Reviews: 15

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Mon May 18, 2009 2:16 am

time8keeper wrote a review...

I really like this poem, it's very deep and meaningful.

Something's getting in the way.
I can see the clouds hiding the sun,
transforming the light, the day.

Those three lines really make this poem amazing for me. They help this poem come to life.

~time8keeper

Points: 10701
Reviews: 356

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Sun May 17, 2009 8:03 pm

*writewatiwant* says...

Thanks Aymeh!

Oh such a dear, Selene. thanks very much!

Than you Rosey, for doing the review ^_^ As always, your reviews are much helpful and detailed.

Again, thanks!

Points: 89625
Reviews: 1272

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Sun May 17, 2009 7:45 pm

Rosendorn wrote a review...

Hiya Kat! Sorry for taking so long!

Somethings just about to break.
I can almost hear it crack,
a sound of a dreadful mistake.

~ "A" should be "the" in the third line.

~ I liked the set-up here. It could be read as a bit, simplistic, but that's working alright for the poem.

Something's getting in the way.
I can see the clouds hiding the sun,
transforming the light, the day.

I find this stanza a bit detached from the above. In the first stanza, you have cracking, mistakes and breaking. This stanza seems to tie into things, but it's hard to tell with the vagueness of "something."

You made me promise I'd try,
but now that you have left,
can I leave my life behind?

~ Again this stanza feels detached. Try what? And, your life, did you like it before, or, something changed? I'm just really confused.

~ The rhyme here feels a bit off. After flawlessly rhyming stanzas, this is a bit jerky.

Can I cover the sun, can I brake?
Can I commit one more mistake?

~ Why would you want to cover the sun? Usually, people want to see the sun.

~ I liked the last line here. It ties things in together somewhat (filling in that maybe the other person didn't let you commit mistakes), but I really had to think on it.

*

Flow: The strength of this poem is the near-flawless rhyme and the even line-length. It makes things pleasing to the eye and easy on the ear. Nice work!

Feel: I had to think pretty hard to come up with a thread to this poem. In my opinion, a poem should have a good "pass-by" value (as in, you should just be able to glance at it and enjoy the poem) along with a deeper meaning (you look at some lines and realize that there's more to them then meets the eye). I find this one is a bit of both. Each stanza has some good elements, almost as if they're their own poems, but nothing is really explained or connected enough for me to completely understand.

Mind you, sometimes that's a good thing, other times it's a bad thing. In this case, I find it detracts from my enjoyment of the poem, but I see a couple of people liked it before me, so it's up to you.

Overall: I didn't find this had any sticking power. As in, I half-forgot the poem after I read it. There's something here, since I like the themes and ideals you're exploring, but it felt too detached for me to really walk away thinking: "That was a great poem."

All in all, there's something in each stanza, but I find they need to be more connected and explained more clearly.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Points: 2365
Reviews: 146

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Sat Apr 25, 2009 3:45 pm

SeleneForeverDream says...

Hi Kat! Once again, I see you've been writing some lovely poetry.

Nit-Picks:

Somethings getting in the way.

"Somethings" should be something's. This goes for the same line in the next stanza, as well.

Can I commit one more mistake?

I believe there should be a "to" after "commit".

I can see the clouds hiding the sun,

transforming the light, the day.

This is just my favorite line.

Overall:

I loved the play on words with brake and break.

I believe you can improve on this if you added a bit more imagery. I want to really visualize and feel all those emotions that you're trying to get across. Make it more detailed so your reader can appreciate it more.

Anyway, I thought it was a good poem. Nice work!

Points: 2365
Reviews: 146

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Sat Apr 25, 2009 3:45 pm

SeleneForeverDream wrote a review...

Hi Kat! Once again, I see you've been writing some lovely poetry.

Nit-Picks:

Somethings getting in the way.
"Somethings" should be something's. This goes for the same line in the next stanza, as well.

Can I commit one more mistake?
I believe there should be a "to" after "commit".

I can see the clouds hiding the sun,

transforming the light, the day.
This is just my favorite line. I can really visualize these

Overall:

I loved the play on words with brake and break.

I believe you can improve on this if you added a bit more imagery. I want to really visualize and feel all those emotions that you're trying to get across. Make it more detailed so your reader can appreciate it more.

Anyway, I thought it was a good poem. Nice work!

Points: 890
Reviews: 4

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Sat Apr 25, 2009 10:16 am

AymehMonz wrote a review...

*writewatiwant* wrote:Can I brake?

by Kat

Somethings just about to break.
I can almost hear it crack,
a sound of a dreadful mistake.

Somethings getting in the way.
I can see the clouds hiding the sun,
transforming the light, the day.

You made me promise I'd try,
but now that you have left,
can I leave my life behind?

Can I cover the sun, can I brake?
Can I commit one more mistake?

I really like this! In my opinion, there's nothing that I would change. I especially like the last two lines and I can really feel for the person in this situation and feel their pain! An excellent piece in my opinion! Keep up the good work

xxx

Young Writers Society

Can I brake?

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