Healing

This is short for me. Really short. So, enjoy... or don't. I don't know. Reviews are much appreciated!

I laid down on the piano,
my soul lingered on the keys;
My tears laid their own melody,
Don't disturb me, please.

Washing away my pain,
with a certain peaceful feeling,
Memories can't break me now;
I think I may be healing.

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Points: 15394
Reviews: 1464

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Mon Feb 23, 2009 4:16 am

Juniper wrote a review...

Hey Write wat I want! June here!

I love short poems! I wish more people would write them, haha. Most often, the shorter, the sweeter, because it takes a lot of effort to put a complete idea into such a short poem.

Now, there isn't much to say about this poem, but let's begin:

I laid down on my piano,

My soul lingered on the keys

My tears laid its own melody

Don't disturb me, please.

I agree with Princess with this one. Using "my" seems fine to me, but as for the line with the tears, I do think that it should be changed to "their" so that it seems like you're not talking about one tear.

Moving on:

Like the two people above me said, this is in need of punctuation. It's common in four-lined-stanzaic poems to use this basic punctuation:

,
;
,
.

That is; comma, semicolon; comma, period. This way, it's just easier for the reader to understand.

The second stanza could use punctuation as well, dear.
*

This was truly beautiful. The rhyme was perfect, dear. It didn't seem forced-- ever, and it flowed nicely.

Although this is extremely short, you captured emotion very, very well here. It has a sweetly sad touch to it, dear, and that's perfect.

Very well done; keep it up. I look forward to seeing more by you in the future!

*gold star*

June

Points: 1999
Reviews: 106

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Mon Feb 23, 2009 2:06 am

Princess wrote a review...

Heya! Emma here!

The overall feeling of 'Healing' is very good. It is short, sweet, and to the point. But, being me, I have to point out a few niches in the wood of perfection.

I laid down on my piano,

First off, lets try to hold back on the use of the word 'my'. Instead, try to use 'the'. It helps readers put themselves into the author's position. Second, I don't think this makes much sense. When I read it, I instantly thought: "is she on the piano keys?". Perhaps you should be more specific with that. Like saying the piano bench, or the top of the piano.

My tears laid its own melody

'Its' refers to one object. Instead of that word, use 'Their'. Tears aren't just one object.

Don't disturb me, please.

Do not just add words for the sake of rhyming! It makes the reader stutter and stop being interested in such a fantastic piece.

Scanning through your poem, I keep finding words such as: 'might' that are dull and expected. Spice up your vocabulary without adding the extra syllables. For 'might', you could use 'may', but don't do that every time. Mix it up!

Also, remember your punctuation and capitalization!

If you want to talk more about your poem, pm me!

-Princess

Points: 1823
Reviews: 53

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Sun Feb 22, 2009 11:27 pm

break~my~heart wrote a review...

hi there! me again :wink:

For some reason, I love short poems. They're always the most beautiful.
And you've certainly kept it that way with this piece!

I have nothing really to critique, except your punctuation.
punctuation is often important so that the reader doesn't get confuzzled.
Just write your poem out on paper without the stanzas. just plain old sentences. You'll be able to see what needs to be capitalized, where commas should go, periods etc. (yes, most people seem to think that every line in a poem should be capitalized, but that is not so)

well, that's all I have!! good job!

XoXo~AsH

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Healing

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