Young Writers Society

Nice concept, by the by, but indeed the flow is slightly off.

As you mentioned, the stanzas are rather inconsistent. Might I make a suggestion of how to make it flow better? Perhaps if you made the fourth line of the stanza into two separate, shorter, rhyming lines, as in:

She awaits her sadness,
for her screams, her grief and tears.
She awaits her sadness;
She waits for the [word that rhymes with "dead"], that new old word "dead";
To life have come her fears.

So that the rhyming doesn't seem half-hazard and just randomly "not there" in places. It would seem more uniform.

Unless, of course, you want it to sound free verse-y, in which case, disregard this post.

*writewatiwant* wrote:she's afraid he's gone above.

She awaits her sadness,
for her screams, her grief and tears.
She awaits her sadness;
She waits for the news, the word "dead";
To life have come her fears.

Just a few little suggestions~ the first sentence quoted didn't sound quite right, so perhaps re~think that, I've given an example of what might sound better, maybe. Don't put much faith in my mind X3
Same with the last line really, though maybe you could put an extra word at the start like 'now' or whatever might fit, or not, I'm not too sure about that :/ It's a sweet poem... well done ^^

Not bad, but it needs some work. Like you said, the stanzas and flow need some work. Some of the phrasing and words choices were a bit awkward, so it got a little wordy at parts. I would just go back and read it out loud to yourself, see what needs to be rephrased.

him who has her love.

I know that you used "him" for repetition, but just use "he" instead, it sounds much better. Also, and this goes for all of your lines, the first word needs to be capitalized.

Like I said before, not bad, I like the concept and all, it just needs some work.