So, this is for Rosey's Contest: topic42895.html
I stared at the red flames dancing
on a silent beautiful melody.
It's warm battling the freezing night,
It lives, it shines a radiant light.
Something uncontrollable has born;
Strong and powerful; amazing.
It rises from bellow Hell, glorious;
It fights the Gods; it gets out, victorious.
It's the flame, it's the spark,
It overpowers the Dark,
It is something to admire,
It is the Fire.
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Hi
I must say....great job done on keeping it short and effective.
The imagery was really alive and the power of fire was shown like never before.I liked the magnificence of fire you have shown in this poem and how it's sight can be so inspiring.
It's the flame, it's the spark,
It overpowers the Dark,
It is something to admire,
It is the Fire.
Great lines.
Good luck.
Hello
Everyone else has pretty much covered everything I was going to say, but to be honest that was really good. It flowed really well and I really enjoyed reading it. It is an interesting subject and I found it really good.
The only nit picky thing I can think of which is really odd is that maybe there could be a more imaginitive title name, to go with the most imaginitive piece
but well written
Nitpicking
I think this should be, 'Its warmth battling the freezing night
It lives;it shines a radiant light'
Take away the apostrophe in It's. That would be, 'It is'.
Try to use a period at the end of this sentence.
On this line, you could end it in a period, or give 'glorious' its own line. I don't think the semi-colon works here.
I'm not sure what this sentence is supposed to mean. What do you mean by 'it gets out'. Out of what? Try to clear it up a bit.
Overall
I think there should be a little more emotion in the description. After all, fire is most often seen in its destructive state. Maybe a little 'fear' in your poem will do it? Other than that, it was my kind of poem.
P.S. You have a lot of work! I felt overwhelmed just trying to choose which one to review! (In a good way:)) I don't know how you do it. Good job.
Thanks for all the reviews! And yes, ti was for a contest. I did not win... but that's ok!
Many thanks, guys!
Hey! It's Peanut, here to review you as my 49th review! [spoiler] I'm trying to make it to 50 reviews before the end of today
[/spoiler]
How come this is the only stanza that has a pattern of AABB? None of the others do. I would consider changing one or the other
It is for a contest? Good luck!
[spoiler]9/10... wonderful job
"silent beautiful" feels to me like adjective stacking. Also, how is the fire beautiful?
You suddenly switched tenses which messes up the flow.
How is it glorious? Things that come from Hell are generally not considered glorious.
The rhythm of the second line feels off since it has an extra syllable. Also, why is Dark capitalized? And how does it tie into the fire escaping Hell?
"It's something to admire," sounds and flows a little better.
Interesting structure, though, with only the last two lines of each stanza rhyming.
Hiya *writewatiwant*!
Since I am now finishing the judging for Elements of Nature, it's time to pull up all my entries to critique them! ^_^
I was judging on three items. How you portrayed the element, originality and structure.
Element: A classic choice. Fire is one of the elements know to us all. I wasn't too thrilled with the comparison to Hellfire though. The whole point of the contest was to show the beauty of an element, even if it was the beauty of it's sheer, raw power.
Originality: Half and half. You've got some original things here, but at the same time they are pretty base things about fire. Reach deeper in the future, okay?
Structure: Here, I enjoyed your style. The last stanza in particular was nice. ^_^ I found the first two lines could have linked together a bit better with flow, but most of the poem had a simple feel that I liked.
Simplicity is your thing when it comes to poetry. This was very enjoyable. ^_^
~Rosey
Already there is a tense error. You use past tense in the beginning and then present tense; which is it?
You seem to be trying to develop ideas but rush into them too quickly so that they seem like individual, confused concepts floating around without any backing. The fire dances to a song, it embarks on a battle with the cold, it's alive, it's bright. This is decent imagery, yes, but you don't explain certain key aspects of it - for instance, why is it alive? What gives you that impression and how can we relate to it? Explain.
Again, underdeveloped ideas. How exactly is something from Hell glorious and desirable? Your link to the underworld could be good if you expanded on it but right now all the reader feels is confusion at these two joined together in an apparent paradox. Show us, even tell us if you must, how evil is suddenly good and how fire represents that. Also, why gods instead of God, and why is "gods" not capitalized? I sense much symbolism here that needs to be described, hinted at, or connected to some other parts of the poem for it to make sense. These lines (and this applies to any poetry) cannot stand on their own; they need to hold each other up.
The repetition of "it" hurt my eyes and is unnecessary repeating. Use the format you used in your earlier stanzas, by dividing sentences between lines so it doesn't sound monotonic. Also, why is Dark and Fire capitalized? I can perhaps understand why Fire is,...but Dark? You never even mentioned it, and now you're trying to turn it into a major character or entity in the poem. You need to explain this or un-capitalize it.
Hope that helped.
Firstly, I like the idea. It's very, well, vivid. The pyromaniac within me swoons.
That said, I wish to ask a question.
Hmm...
The last stanza is a lot different from the first two, in both rhyme scheme in meter. Is that on purpose, or did it just happen?
Beutiful. Nothing more.... Simple, elegant, almost perfect... You've got my vote for the contest...