*writewatiwant* wrote:She said "Life is unfair"
"Life isn't unfair, we're just fools
That don't enjoy it properly" I replied
The last line is too blunt. I don't mean to say that being blunt is always against your interests, but in this case the last line has to connect with the metaphorical image of fools traveling through the years in false solitude, not just a message blurted out at the end.
She laughed with her reasons
And stayed with her thoughts
I, myself, in despair too
For someone who did not care.
I lie very well
I commend your usage of simplicity in this stanza, for the last line here makes the narrator seem unsure of himself and windswept by those he constantly feeds to their own lies (that's a good thing).
What can i do? it cheered her up
I hope I burn in hell
I'm her friend, I want her happiness
Soon she'll only see darkness
I really love her, my best friend
But I have to leave for good
She might understand
Because she sees me hurt.
I close my eyes, trying to hide it
Trying to end it
I open them to a world I hate
Where she is my only mate
Not many comments here. I like the flow of this poem because it seems to naturally fly from one line to the next; however, your repetition of "my friend" and "my best friend" does nothing for the poem. I suiggest taking one of those lines out as the voice starts to sound as if it's complaining rather than self-reflecting.
This was a good revision, I applaud you for cleaning up the poem so well.
I hope to read it when youre done revising it.
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