*So I need a lot of help on this one. I'm not particularly comfortable with the ending. Open to suggestions! Oh and reviews will be much appreciated, no matter how harsh!*
Believe
You see darkness and regrets.
Tears, both hers and yours.
You're both battling,
your inside wars.
Can you prevail?
Try! For her and all, try!
Believe in something,
and reach for the sky.
Believe in anything,
that could keep you secure,
from this world's disgraces.
Don't be afraid or unsure.
Have faith and trust,
Don't let yourself down
and turn into dust.
Fight! Believe!
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139,434 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
I like everything except for the Fight! Belive! chnge the fight into a full line like fight for...... or whatever, and end with belive. I kind off liked the stanza in the above critique that is no longer in the poem. I think it should be put back in.
Hello WritewatIwant, here's your review. Corrections are in bold.
I like this first stanza. It really introduces the poem well. Although, without adding the words such as "and" and "both" the lines get choppy and uneven. I understand what you were trying to get at, but it does no glory to the poem.
Some of these words seem like they've been stuffed into the stanza at last minute. In order for them to fit better, try to add words like, "and" and "or" and don't excessively use the commas. "Survive" is one of the words I was talking about. The ones that sounded like they were stuffed in at the last moment. I suggest making it into another line or just erasing it all together. It doesn't add anything to the poem for me, it just makes the poem rough.
By separating afraid and unsure with a comma it sounds like,
"Don't be afraid, be unsure."
Which I'm sure you weren't trying to get at. So maybe add "or" between them to prevent that sounding like so.
Yes, about this stanza. It seems not to relate with the rest of the poem. The entire poem up to this point was about perseverance and defeating all odds and such. This last one seems like a random stanza that would fit another poem. You can still keep the main idea, just reform it so that it fits the theme of "faith," "perseverance" and such. I don't know how you'd like it, so I'll just leave it like that.
The other two bold words are just words that are spelled wrong or just changed. "You" doesn't sound right. It should be "yourself."
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In all, that poem held a lot of meaning. This subject has been used a lot but it's never bad to see it again. I like how you packed your feelings in it. You've not only stated some important morals in it, but you've kept a part of yourself in it which is quite a good achievement.
Just keep in mind my comments and I think this poem has quite a lot of future. Good work.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody