Another one of my poems... Hope you like it! And comments are welcome to correct, give tips, say it stinks, anything that might help me! LOL
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How come I saw you in that day
And, in the next again, I'm never gonna see you?
My tears fill me everyday
What did i do?
Please tell me my love
Despair consume me
They say a person can't die of sadness
As empty as I am
I have nothing left
I think i might
Everything I am, you forgot
Everything I loved
Gone!
In a time of weeks, I've become this
I'm a shadow of what I used to be
The cheerful me, the happy me
I cry every night
Waking up the next day, with the pillow still wet
You're the best man I have ever met
Why did you have to leave?
I find myself sighting every moment
You're always in my mind
My dreams and thoughts destroy me
Riping every piece of hope out of me
What can i do?
I'm dying for you
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139,429 Literary Works • 672,561 Reviews
LOL good point of view. thanks for noticing that mistake. It's like he wasn't a guy to me. He was a friend. And that just makes it worst. Anyway, thanks and as many have said this poem isn't that good, so... I just hope I'll write something better any day soon. Thanks for the review! :d Oh, and as i usually say I really appreciate your honesty
I dont want to be rude, but I didnt like it. It just wasnt as good as some of your other writing. There are some spelling mistakes that I noticed. "Riping every piece of hope out of me", I am pretty sure that the first word is supposed to be Ripping. There are also some captialization mistakes. Other than that, I didnt notice anything else wrong with it.
I am only a sophomore in highschool, but I know that I do not let guys run and ruin my life like this guy. I'm not that worried about guys like that. I think of it as this, I am only 15, i have my whole life to have my heartbroken, do I really need it right now?
Dude, I feel like you have like so many feelings and like your so sad so like cry
Mod: No swearing in reviews.
OK... harsh but true. Just want to say something: first it wasn't a one-week it was six years. Second I have friends, i have family and I do have happy memories. But I do not cherish them that bad. I love them but what does that have to do with this? But you don't have to know the storie to look at a poem and get it... anyway, thanks for the review!
This is an extremely poor way to start a poem. I understand that you're just beginning high school and thus are still learning the art of literature, but keeping out teenage angst and simplistic, inconsiderate, unimportant rants is a must if you want to be seen as someone who wants to write. Right now, it looks as though you are just using writing as a way of getting out all of the petty problems in life. This first stanza has no depth to it whatsoever.
No, it doesn't. If despair was the only emotion you felt at the loss of a one-week boyfriend, then your overall emotional state is such that your life would be in shambles right now and thus this break-up would mean nothing. I suspect you were exaggerating just to be poetic. Unfortunately, that doesn't work, as shown in this example.
Really? You have no family, no friends, no happy memories, no thoughts, no venues for emotional release, no teachers, no pets, no light in the sky? Somehow I doubt this, and so this stanza is typical teenage rambling. Take the whole thing out.
What exactly have you become? You just mentioned your (albeit oppressively shallow) feelings. There was no imagery to connect us to that statement.
Okay, now the reader receives some visual confirmation at least, but it trips just as it begins because you do nothing to further the description. So further it.
This is a pointless reiteration of everything that's been said above. I don't quite see why you included this mess of a stanza because it doesn't add any content nor does it vibrate the imagery across the reader's mind. It does nothing, really.
My advice is to get rid of the whole poem and don't write about such insignificant love affairs unless you have some solid content or interesting emotional feelings (not just "Oh, I'm sad, boo hoo, I love you"). Nobody likes a poem that is a pumped-up cushion for drama and attention.
This poem....it had great rythym......it had great layout.....it was sad, but it was great!
Good Job!
How very melodramatic. I don't know what I was doing freshman year of high school but im sure that I wasn't letting some faux boy/girlfriend ruin my life. When I read things with pure teenage angst I reminds me of one of my favorite George Carlin quotes that really applies here.
"Not every ejaculation deserves a name"
But other than you subject matter and the total lack of metaphor, art, or energy.
Now don't take this the completely wrong way, if i didn't want to help i wouldn't have mentioned anything but you have the needle of a good idea in this haystack of a poem.
And never pay attention to reviews with obvious spelling mistakes like the one above, it will do you no good.
well its deffinatly deep. a little scetchy and rough in some places with the wording n stuff but pretty gud. ur display of emotion was very clearly displayed and i can really apretiate a writer who can do that. though in some places it seemed a little forced, not alot, but a little. good job and keep it up
Ah... i don't know. I mean we never dated. We... I don't know what we were. And one day suddenly I never saw him again. Then i found out he went to boarding school and doesn't comes home. I guess a bit of him and of myself died that day. Hope i helped...
this is good
nice n dark, just how i like them(just kidding)
its meaning is kind of confusing though
has he died, or did you both break up?
keep writing=]