Save you

*Cracks Knuckles*

Before I get into the review I want to say that this needs to be expanded. The ideas you have here go way too fast. This whole poem has three short stanzas and I don't feel it's enough. (I'll give you ideas as I go.)

Take a breath,

This is sudden. When I think of, "Take a breath', I think of calm yourself, slow down...
This goes back to when I said you need to expand. Instead of this, say something like, "Calm your self, take a breath,"
If you don't want to use that, use something else to slow this poem down a bit.

the world is holding

Once again, expand. Something like, "The world is anxiously waiting"
I also think you could start to use some more vocabulary in this...to meat it up. I like poems to be meaty with imagery and meaning, and so far, I'm not.
I know that this is Lyric poetry, but you can still make it meatier!

don’t fall to death.

I don't like the last line of this stanza. Why would this person say it? It really doesn't make sense. I think you just wanted to make a rhyme to end it. Don't be constricted by the first Rhyming word you think of. The English language is full of things to choose from. You could even use Slant Rhyme. Instead of death, use wreath. There is a lot to choose from! Take you time in the future. Plan it out.

I hear your voice,

broken to whispers;

If only I could just

save your soul!

This whole stanza is not good. It really doesn't do anything for me meaning wise. It has no real imagery or death. Also, It seems to jump ideas too quickly. (Like I said, Expand on some of the ideas you have.) Make all of these sentences longer and add in some adjectives! Description is good for lyric poetry. You don't want to have the audience saying, "What is going on here?!" You should chop this stanza in half and make them two separate ideas...because they are. (I'm not saying you can't have separate ideas in a stanza...just not one this small.) They tend not to work out. (This didn't, unfortunately.)

I wish I could put

your torment to an end

You already say this when you say, "Save your soul!" Why say it again? It makes the poem redundant. When a poem this small is redundant in even one place, it's not good. If you were to expand the sentences and add some more to this, this redundancy is bad. (Always remember to read over and see if you said the same thing just in different words.)

If only I could

Find the right words (to)

I added the "to" there because it didn't sound right without it.

alright! Not one of my favorites, but, let's see what you can do with this when you edit it.


---Jon---

(Edit it and I'll be back, if you want.)