*Another poem. Help will be much appreciated! Oh and in the last stanza the rhyme scheme changes. if you have an opinion of how I could make it stand for the same scheme, I would be much grateful ^_^*
Do not make the same mistake as me
Do not make the same mistake as me,
Do not wonder about who could you be.
Do not lose to despair, do not fall to tears,
Do not run, trying to hide from your fears.
Do not believe in those deceiving lies.
Do not reach for the highest of the skies.
Do not walk away, do not scream,
Do not remorse over your broken dream.
Do not be shattered beyond repair,
Do not say your pain you cannot bare.
Do not fall down, do not be weak,
Do not say you cannot speak.
Cry not for an unknown reason,
Believe in you and in what you can be.
Release you from your darkness,
Do not make the same mistake as me.
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Hey! Its MidnightVampire. I just want to say in advance that you can feel free to take my advice or not, because its about midnight where I am, so I wouldn't be surprised if you thought/think some of my ideas are a bit...off. So yeah..you can choose wichever.
Rhyme Scheme:
^ You said that you were mad because at the end you changed rhyme scheme. I learned in class a while ago that if a rhyme scheme changes it is often because there is a different part of the story (in narrative poetry) or to make a point. I believe, that your change of rhyme scheme (yeah, I know that line is oddly phrased) could be justified because before you were saying how it was 'Don't do this' but now you were saying that you should do this instead. Which is different from the rest.
I like it. (However, if you wish to change it, you can)
Rhyming (in general):
Every once in a while, you would have longer lines that made the rhyming seemed forced at times. I'm not exactly sure how to work on this because I, myself, am terrible at rhyme. Though it wasn't in many places (maybe one or two), so terribly the-world-is-going-to-die-important.
Overall:
I liked it a lot, overall. I especially like how you changed the way your stanzas are formated at the end (by formatted, I mean with the beginning of the lines). It seemed to (in my opinion) bring things on sort of a happie note. Sure, at first the change seemed a little off, but it was the last line that saved you because it brought it back to the beginning (I'm a sucker for these types of poems).
Keep it up,
MV
I like this poem a lot, but the flow messes up here a lot. I like the meaning and the idea, but I think when you tried to rhyme it ate up the whole meaning. The second stanza diminishes the hope of the reader when I think you're just trying to warn them of the possibilites of dreaming. So rather than killing their dream, tell them to be aware of the probablity of its occurence more subtly. The third stanza's second linbe doesn't make sense, but I'm not sure how to fix that for you at the moment.
I've never really been a massive fan of poetry but I think you might've just changed my mind.
I like how as its so simple, it lets the readers imagation flow with its own creativity to what message you are portraying.
My way of thinking is that its a mum to their child, possibly a teenage mum or just a mum who isn't proud of her past.
Sorry, I havent really given any real advice, just thought I'd let you know how I think it comes across.
See you x
Well...this is just a bunch of imperatives; sentences. If you put a comma somewhere, the poem would be better cause of connection that you make that way. Like in last stanza (the third verse should also be with comma) and the third one.
You asked about the rhyming: The rhyme is better if it's the same through all poem, but if you do this what you did-it's not a big mistake (it's not a mistake at all...sometimes). Just take care that you don't jump from one rhyme scheme to another through the whole poem...
If you ask me, I liked the rhyme in the last stanza more than the rest of the poem.