A/N: For Pen (Explosive_Pen) because she rocks! And help will be much appreciated.
Watch it pouring down --
hear it.
Drops of cold, sweet water
what some may call heaven’s tears.
Can you catch it?
Kiss it! Or it will melt by the grass
into it’s warm cradle
of pure and innocent delight.
Smell it! The soft Spring,
trap it in your bare hands,
and rejoice in happiness.
Can you hear it?
The sound of a crying heart,
beating with the rain;
It will pass.
Smell the fresh watered grass,
the smell of a new day.
Can you see it now?
The clouds have driven away.
Feel the sun kiss your skin,
like the memory of the fallen rain.
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140,755 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hi Kat! You get to have my very first review! Sorry if it's at all newbish, but I do love poetry, and I will do my very best!
I loved the way you incorporated all the senses into this piece. It was very vivid, and I was able to see, feel, smell, see, and taste it. In the first verse you kind of introduce that all, saying simply "watch it" and "hear it" and then you go on in the rest of the poem to describe it further; you did a really great job with that.
"Can you catch it?
Kiss it! Or it will melt by the grass
into it’s warm cradle
of pure and innocent delight."
That last two lines here aren't specific enough for me. What is it's warm cradle? I would think that it would be the grass except for two things. 1) You already mention the grass and 2) During a rainfall wouldn't the ground be cool, not warm? The innocence doesn't really come across to me either. Some things are easy to relate to each other, like 'rain' and something being 'pure', because you think of rain washing things away. But I don't know what you were thinking of as the connection between rain and innocence. If you found a way to explain that subtly, I think that would be good.
In the last stanza, you spend three lines out of the total 21 in this poem talking about a crying heart, using the rain as an illustration of it. If you meant the rain to be a metaphor for that heart in the entire poem, I think you really need to bring that across much more. For the most part, this poem came across as very cheerful to me, and seemed to be just a lovely, simple description of a refreshing spring rain. I didn't see that 'crying heart' coming at all.
After those three lines, you move immediately on to a "new day", like already they're being comforted, already the pain is fading. But you spent no time developing either thought: the pain, or the subsequent comfort.
This is a lovely poem =) I think if you incorporated the 'crying heart' into the whole beginning of the poem, developed it more, and then made a slower transition into the part about a 'new day', the ideas would flow together better.
Finally, I just want to point out a couple minor things:
"Drops of cold, sweet water
what some may call heaven’s tears."
You should put punctuation after 'water'.
"Smell it! The soft Spring,
trap it in your bare hands,"
It should be a period after 'Spring'.
"The clouds have driven away"
Maybe 'the clouds have been driven away'?
I really liked this! You did a good job. I hope this was helpful!
~Vanda DeLor~
i enjoyed reading this wonderful peice. it is very expressive and you really let out your emotions
. i could hear your tone in my head as i read it. i loved it! very nice!
Hey Kat! Awesome poem! As promised here is your review:
This line seems a bit awkward maybe change it to something along the lines of "the very tears of heaven" or something like that?
Melt into the ground.
Perhaps change "it's" to "a"?
Personally I think you should make "the soft spring" a seperate line from "smell it". Also, I think you should add something between "soft" and "spring" maybe something like caress or welcome?
This should be a seperate stanza from the line before it. I also think you should change the first comma into a colon.
Favourite part:
Hope this has helped!
Lizzie
Kat, your poem was amazing. It was as if I was there, sitting outside on the grass.
It flowed very well and had wonderful use of metaphors. ^-^ Good job!
Overall, perfectly wonderful!
Smiles!
~Mira
This was good. Only two things I noticed were that each stanza should be the same length and that the beginning of every line should be capitalized. Other than that, awesome job!