More

Hey there *writewatiwant*.

Do you know

How it feels to love a person

That your best friend has beloved?

Why would you need this rhetorical question in your poem? As the poet, you should be the one that is helping the audience to explore this topic, not us. You do not need that as the introduction. Just go straight into your poem.

How it would hurt her

if you were the one he liked

And she the unloved?

As above

Every time his eyes meet yours

You heart beats faster

Your smile lasts longer.

More.

What's the point of this? What are you trying to express here?

Every time you hear his voice,

a smile fights it's way to appear.

You focus so hard on him

His thoughts rise above the noise.

You want more.

Why would I want more though? Elaborate.

You can see it in his eyes

How he wants you too

Your heart cries.

Cries for more.

He wants more than this.

this feeling persists.

More, he's begging for more.

You still haven't answered my question. It's basically a rehash of the previous stanza but worded differently.

More,

You cannot give.

More than friendship is forbidden

You would never be forgiven.

What? What do you mean by "friendship is forbidden"? And why won't I never be forgiven? Explain please?

You wish to run away

Everyday

When she's by your side

And him you see

You try to hide.

Her smile you want to keep.

So, you only see him

When you're asleep,

in yours and his dreams.

You want more.

But see, since you haven't established as to what we should run away from, then this bit is pretty much useless here. And yet, you still haven't answered as to why I want more.

Overall impressions:

After reading this, I was like "So what? Why would I want more?" Your theme is almost non-existent. I can vaguely assume that you are talking about lust within the teenage group due to your heavy reliance on imagery (physical descriptions). But the big issue that I have with the poem is that it seems as though you are placing the responsibility on the audience to explore the theme of lust themselves instead on you, the poet. This is evident with the rhetorical questions in the first stanza and the mediocre use of imagery to paint a stereotypical romance scene that provides no insight or any meaning for the audience.

If you plan on editing this, I highly suggest that you focus more on explaining and exploring the idea as to why the audience would want more from the relationship. Cut out all your stereotypical imagery as you will go nowhere with them.

Good luck.

Andy.