That I would be fine
There’s no need to apologize,
I am not even sorrowful.
My desire is to have done more,
made it bleed out, deeper
had it left scarlet paths;
paths of sin and
lonely, moonlit times,
I would be fine.
By the dead of night,
I dream you kiss me,
where the iron has sliced,
where my hopes and dreams
have fade.
Had you, I would be fine.
I have reached the bottom
and my wings are broken
I can’t fly away – no,
I’m chained to this insanity.
Had I not cut my skin,
had it not been perfect,
had it not been for you,
I would be just fine.
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139,434 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
I really liked this a lot and I can sympathize with how you feel. So the emotion must be in there haha. There isn't really anything that I can criticize.
Heyy great job i LOVED this peom ! But i would make one small change. ON the line "made it bleed out, deeper" i would just put an elipsis where the comma is because it seems like there should be a pause there. so it would look like "made it bleed out...Deeper" But great job keep up the good work (:
Okayy, here I am Katizzle and pretty much on time too. *cough*
Well, it's inly 9 in the morning so I had to re-read this a couple of times before it sunk in. But that's just because I'm not so awake, as such. I'm going to pull out a couple of things that bug me, and then do an overall. Hope that it helps!
For me, the punctuation feels a little off here. For instance, there's no punctuation at the end of the first line, so as a sentence it would read out: "made it bleed out, deeper had it left scarlet ...". So you see, in my opinion, the second line isn't part of the same sentence as the first line, and therefore needs some punctuation. A little part of me is screaming "full-stop!" but I don't know if it's the good grammar part of the bad grammar part so I'll leave it up to you.
Have faded?
Maybe a comma at the end of the second line?
Well, that's pretty much it for my nitpicks! It was a really wonderful poem. Although it didn't strike a chord with me personally, it conjured up some great images in my head, and I really got the feelings of the person.
It was well put together, it flowed and it sounded pretty damn awesome when I read it out loud.
Good work, and I hope I helped!
*hugs*
~Amy
It is a great poem! I love it. It had a sad and dark love emotion. I like how it has to do with cutting and feeling like you are the only person around even though you see the people around you. The poem is attached to me. Good luck! and tell me if you write more poems. I would love to read them.
I like the poem a lot! It's really good. I can find nothing to criticize, and I don't think others will either. It's a great poem, all in all...which is basically all I've said so far. Keep it up! Can't wait to read more of your poetry!