Young Writers Society

Hi there!

Unfortunately, the speakers on my laptop are broken. So I am unable to listen to your performance while reading the words. However, it looks like dogs gave you a pretty in depth critique about your performance. I will review the poem itself.

This is great. I commend you for using the consistent image of the ocean all the way through, and the new ways that you utilized it. My favorite stanza was the fourth one. I love the way you put your words together there.

This stanza:

I don’t want you to love me,
unless you’re gonna
consume me like
the pavement
engulfs the rain.

you see behind the “I’m
fine’s,”

puts to death the cypress
pine of my past.

Hello there indi darlin! Dogs here with your review. Okey dokey so I'm really going to focus more on your performance aspect of this piece, which is where my thespian skills are more helpful to this situation. In a slam poem you need to be more animated physically, your vocals are great. Putting emphasis on words you want to punctuate and make people hear over the rest. Your performance would be wonderful if I listened to only your voice, but you need to add some more movements to your words. This is difficult to describe without providing the visual effects... but you need more action.

Throughout your entire piece you don't move at all, don't give us any facial expressions, but great vocals as I already mentioned. I understand that you didn't move in order to stay within the web cam, but even than you could provide us with some hand motions to really emphasize the points your trying to make. Even through it a sarcastic smile sometimes, bring it back to a frown or a more frustrated face when you talk about how he shouldn't love you unless... yada yada.

You can even bring up props to the stage if you want to, I've seen it done for slam poems. If you look up good slam poems people are very expressive, especially facially. Which is where you were missing out on the most. I would love to see another video of your Slam you're very pretty my dear. Anywho, let me know if you need a review anytime. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Oh, and most certainly definately absolutely do this in the talent show. You will not make a fool of yourself and it will certainly definately absolutely be moving.

By the way, was this written for anyone, or just one of those pour-everything-into-a-poem thing?

Dude, that was really awesome! Definately works really well as spoken poetry, your voice made some things rhyme that probably wouldn't have in text. I love the ocean imagery, but my favorite parts were those lovely rhymes.

We are convenient. More than

just an affair or fling,

we’ve got something

that, paired, would be

shocking and toxic

and terrible and catastrophic.

Forecasters would call us a natural

disaster.

I like this part very much, first for the "forecasters" and "disaster" rhyme, and then for the striking words "shoking and toxic."

When you get to:

I don’t want you to love me,

unless you’re gonna

consume me like

the pavement

engulfs the rain.

it becomes very passionate, bordering on lust. I don't particularly like this kind of love nor understand it, but as a writer I liked the raw emotion there.

The word "undefined" was also a smooth way to tie everything together. I guess I have some critisism for this, but I would have to think really hard and sort them out. I'd be happy to share if you really want to hear them, just PM me.

Loved hearing you voice with this! I want to do more slam poetry.