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137,660 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Not a review, btw. I just wanted to say I really liked this--if I had a favorite list, this would probably be up there with the best. Great work.
Wow thank you! I don't even think this is my best work lol.
Hi, Knight Nite! Sorry it took me a bit to get to your request.
I first have to say the words stuck out, and not just 'cause we know them but because they're completely out of place in the midst of the simple words you choose. It's a hard contest, because it gives us words that don't come from us naturally, and unless we really take the time to contemplate and work with them, they'll end up sticking out like they have in your piece and in mine.
But what I really want to talk about is how elegant this section of your poem is compared to the rest:
This is the quality you need to aim for. The problem with a lot of the rest of the poem was that it was so worried about getting the narrative across that it fell into plain explanation. "This is what happened. This is what happened." I'm not saying you have to hide it all in vagueness, because that never works very well either, but the way you've written some stanzas, it sounds exactly like prose.
"At your grave, they praised your name and spat on mine." would work well as the opening line to a novel and doesn't ring specifically of poetry. As for the section I picked out, it's much more far reaching, at least in the way I see it. Your "on Sundays" opens the world up for general consideration. We're not working in a time-dominated sequence anymore, but considering the entirety of a life on Sundays, and that's something poetic to open a poem strongly with. (I suppose I should mention here, I didn't feel connected to the beginning of the poem as you had it, and only felt your voice came out to introduce your poem here.) The second stanza of my selection has the slightly off-center aim that I think the rest of your description should have. The "drowned yourself" rings clearly of suicide while being subtle enough to be considered as a type of common description. "Drowning in work" never brings up the idea of homicide as it's commonly used, but with your intent, that could be a strong word.
Before I go, I also have to say that even though I felt your poem was explainy, I also didn't really understand the narrative, which is the worst thing! You tried to tell me the story clearly, and said it in a very explanatory tone of voice, but missed all the important parts?! I'd suggest writing out the sequence. Just for reference. And then instead of describing everything the moment isn't, describe what it is, just in language that evokes emotion and image instead of only narrative sequence.
I hope this review makes sense, as I'm very tired~
PM me if you have any questions, please.
Good luck and keep writing~
Hello there Niteowl! Dogs here with your review today. Well firstly congratulations for submitting your piece to the poetry prompt contest! Things are looking great because so far I've read just marvelous pieces of poesy. Do keep in mind that all notes I give you are extreme nit picks because this piece is pretty darn great. Lets dive in shall we?
" wearing one countenance/ condemnation"
Nice use of countenance, sounds a tad bit choppy because their are a few too many syllabls in comparison to the last line, but still smooth. I like that the condemnation is their countenance, nice word choice there.
"You lucky bastard,/escaped your trials,"
I love the imagery of "con your way into heaven" in this stanza, lovely bit there. Although this line becomes clearer at the end of the poem, it's confusing to the reader at this point because I'm not sure who is talking. After reading the piece I assume that it's the narrator, but there is not punctuation separating this text and inner thoughts from the descriptors of whats happening. So just try to clarify that.
"as one to break decorum."
Nice clean use of "decorum," way to use it smoothly here.
I like the sassy and snarky commentary from the narrator in your next paragraph. Quite humorous, although I think you can find a stronger descriptive word other than "pearly," here's an opportunity to use some more exciting vocab like: seraphic, heavenly, celestial, divine. Something a little more descriptive.
"your own sermon/ and your conscience"
Ok, I like this stanza, I really like the stanza before it. Nothing to say to that one, great smooth writing in that regard. Although here you use "your" twice a little too close in proximity to each other. It breaks up the flawless flow of your writing style, try editing one out.
I like the ambiguous nature that we don't actually know the relationship of the person who died to the narrator. Although you have a subtle hint with "darling," leaving us to assume that they're perhaps in a relationship? But I like that mysterious air that you never answer, I also really love the "only god can judge me" stanza. Really well done in that regard.
"at your grave"
I really like that you used this word in a different way than it was used in the poem. Way to really put a different spin on the matter, because I certainly thought you were gonna use it to describe something serious.
Love the last line, really brings the piece to a good smooth closure and brings everything full circle. Reading this was like unraveling a mystery that the narrator was telling, and I rarely get to experience pieces like that in poetry, so I'm glad that you posted to this contest. Lovely writing all around, just a few minor suggestions from me, enjoyed reading it, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
I LOVE THIS! IT'S REALLY GOOD! *GOES AND LIKES* You haven't got any reviews yet. Guineapiggirl is going to fix this.
I think I've met you on here somewhere but I never knew you were such an excellent poet!
Bravo! Bravo! Bravo Bravo Bravo!
showing you more mercy
then the judge shows me.
Then should be than. Then is time (and then Jimmy ate an orange). Than is comparative ("Oranges are juicier than apples!" said Jimmy). This is a comparative.
This is quite a disturbing little storyline. The preacher chap was going to shoot his wife and then she got the gun off him and shot him, right? Nasty stuff.
They'll never understand
that you destroyed your soul.
I just pulled the trigger.
Won't she be surprised
when her perfect boy's
not waiting at the pearly gates?
These are my favourite verses, I think. They're all brilliant but these two just stood out for me.
OK, I can't think of anything else to suggest. Sorry I haven't been much help. It's just because this is so very very very very very very very very very very very goood!
It's very good.
Exceellent job. Whenever you post poetry (or anything else), please tell me so that I can come and read it
Thanks! I actually intended a slightly different interpretation (he was going to kill himself, she's trying to stop him, gun goes off). And you're right about then/than. I'll go fix that now!