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Typo Alley~I Part Two

by r4p17


A few hours later I sit down for breakfast with everyone. Chicory woke up shortly after Hazel did. She looks more perky than Hazel did. Once she arrived Hazel calmed down. Now he is sitting quietly on a stool in the corner. There are enough seats for him to sit down, but apparently he's too shy to eat with us. I suppose the fact that we are strangers frightens him. He looks to be twelve to fourteen years old. What I want to know is why he was so rude earlier, but is now frightened.

"How's the breakfast?" Chicory asks.

"Good," I reply to her. "Your son is a decent cook."

"Well of course. It is the job of the boys and men to provide and cook the meals," she says, as if affirming a commonly known truth. That's interesting, I think. I didn't know the male Hobbits cooked and not the females.

"Thank the mines that I don't have to cook food all the time. The only reason I do it is because the two you are always so lazy, trying to get more than your share of sleep."

I roll my eyes, making sure that Chicory doesn't see me.

"Perhaps it's just that some of us need more sleep than you, RP," Wolds says in our defense.

"Bah. Excuses, excuses, excuses!"

"She's probably right," Chicory affirms. "Dwarves are known for having higher levels of stamina than other races, especially Hobbits."

RP merely grunts and mutters something under his breath. I'm glad I didn't pick him up. It was probably an insult.

I suddenly feel tired. It must have to do with everything that has been going on in my life. First I was grieving, then the afternoon with the hobbits, and finally a bad night of sleep. What I really needed was the opposite. I'm not likely to get either of those anytime soon. Still, I really feel like I should go and lie down for a nap. I'm beginning to feel lightheaded. Is that the tramping of feet that I hear?

"Are you okay, Racen?" Wold asks. "Both you and RP look a little weak.

"Yeah. I just feel a little lightheaded. I think I will go down and lie down. A nap would be a lot of help right now."

I get up to go to my room. I barely manage to make it to the post of the door before my feet give way under me. I slowly allow myself to slump onto the floor before letting go. My vision blurs and I begin to see stars. The last thing I remember is slipping out of consciences while rough hands grab me and I hear ponderously slow voices saying things. All I can catch are the words "arrest" and "sleeping potion". I am too weak to be alarmed. I simply embrace the realm of beautiful, wonderful sleep.

~~~

The first thing I feel when I when I wake up is a cold damp floor. The room is dark. The walls look like they haven't been washed in years and the floors are full of wet oozing mud. I glance around the concrete room, pausing in the middle of my survey to glare at the bars of the cell in this gloomy dungeon. The room would be completely dark if not for the light of a single torch in the main hallway and a small barred window letting in a few of the sun's red rays. The sun must just be setting.

I pause to think. Where in the world am I? After a minute of trying to orient myself I recall feeling tired and catching a few words from strange voices belonging to my captors. It must be the thane. He must have somehow put a sleep potion in our food. Then he sent soldiers to take us away. So that was the thudding of feet that I heard earlier! One question nags at me though. Who put the potion in our food. It couldn't have been the thane's men, could it? No.

I give up. I still feel quite groggy. It must be the drug they gave me... I sit up and take stock of the prison. I don't see any snakes, thankfully. The only thing of note, other than the muddy floor and wet walls is a spider's web. I'm not afraid of spiders. What get me is the rats! I don't know why those fiendish creatures have to exist.

I suddenly realize that I must be in a dungeon by the river. That would explain the mud and filth of the dungeon. Yes, that's it. I guess I can be thankful that it isn't spring or winter. The prison would be even worse. How can that Hobbit lord be so cruel? I'm sure he doesn't send his subjects down here! If he does, he has a much crueler heart than RP!

I jump back in fright, banging my head on the wall as I notice a dark object in the center of the room move. At first I thought that it was an especially large lump of mud, but now I realize it is alive.

"Racen, is that you?" a familiar voice asks.

"On the name of the Author, Wold, I swear that you almost gave me a heart attack. I didn't realize that you were in here until just now. What happened?"

"I'm sorry," she says. "I tried to wake you earlier, but you wouldn't stir. I'm afraid Hazel might have overdosed on the sleeping potion that he put on your eggs."

"Hazel? I ask, totally befuddled. "Oh, right. You mean that he was the one who poisoned us?"

"Thankfully it wasn't poison, but yes, he did slip the potion into your food. I hope you are all right."

"Oh yes, of course! I am perfectly all right! How could I be otherwise when I have only had a perfect day because of RP being so kind, been given a sleeping potion which makes me feel perfectly alert, and I wake up totally refreshed in a perfect setting on a spotless floor that is softer than my very own bed! Yes, of course! I am absolutely fabulous!"

"No, no, not that. I meant are you unhurt? Do you have any bruises? I am feeling just as bad from you, but I have a couple bruised ribs."

"Hmph. Well, I do have a bothersome headache but other than that I am fine. I suppose I should be glad about not having to put up with RP."

"They took him away for questioning. I'm afraid that he is going to have to endure a good amount of torture while he is at it."

"It serves him right after the way he's been treats me. He is so stubborn too. That's probably what got us here. He should never have argued with the thane

"That doesn't mean that you shouldn't be sad, Racen. He's still is one of us. He's still a Typo."

"I don't care. After what he has made me go through, he deserves to suffer."

"I know it is hard for you to accept this, but I think that RP genuinely didn't want to kill Katya."

"Let's not talk about that right now. I don't feel in the mood for talking."

"You will have to confront your decisions some day, Racen."

"Don't talk about it," I say. "I just woke up and I don't feel like talking at all. I feel terrible."

"Shut up!" the guard outside yells, his voice echoing through the dungeons. "I was ordered not to let you talk at all. You better be glad I am more lenient than the thane.

I sit there for who knows how long without speaking a word. My thoughts become progressively darker and gloomier with the setting sun. I hear little scuffling noises from time to time and I am sure they must belong to rats or mice. In case I haven't already mentioned it, they are my favorite creatures.

I begin to wonder what is happening to RP. Deep down in me there is a part that feels a little sad for him. Off in the distance I can hear the echo of dripping water like a ticking clock. How much time has passed? The world outside, does it care? It seems like we are all alone down here.

The sound of thudding feet carries itself toward our cell, disturbing out perfect paradise. I stand up and walk over to the door of the cell and look to look at who is coming. I see the light of a torch rounding a corner in the hallway. That tells me one thing. The dungeon is relatively small if I can see anything coming right away. We very well might be the only inhabitants of the prison, not counting the guard standing watch at the door.

"Here's the nasty bloke," another guard says, shoving RP into the cell quite roughly. He's as stubborn as an ass."

"Have fun watching them. If they talk too much tell 'em to shut up. Master's orders." The new guard nodded. "I'm out of here now. I'm sick and tired of this new eight hour shift."

"Yeah, I know. We haven't had any prisoners though for a while. I suppose I suppose it makes sense."

"See tomorrow!" the first guard says as he turns to leave the dungeon. I jump as door slams shut, echoing back and forth off the walls several times before it subsides.

"You look horrible, RP!" Wold exclaims in a voice barely above a whisper. "What did they do to you?"

"You don't want to hear about it. Let's just say it isn't very nice to be tortured by these people. I hope they don't make you undergo any of there, 'interrogations'."

"I see," she replies. "I would say we will just have to lick your wounds, but that would only make them feel worse."

"Very funny," he says, letting out a grunt.

"Will you darn prisoners shut up! I'm already drowsy and I was just about to get some sleep."

"You have so little self discipline that you can't even stay awake for five minutes? I might just save you a reprimand, or a beating."

"Shut up, dwarf!" the guard retorts. "I might be able to save you from another interrogation session if you let me get some sleep!"

RP grunts, but doesn't say any more. The gloom of night soon sets in. I softly start crying until I finally exhaust my tears. Such a terrible day. I embrace the sweet touch of sleep which takes me away from this horrid dungeon with its slimy concrete walls and harsh iron bars... and rats.


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Sun Jul 26, 2015 2:36 am
Kelpies wrote a review...



Hello r4p17!

Well, quite the horrible day Racen's having, although it makes me feel bad that she doesn't show much sadness for RP, not that it would probably make much difference. Only one nitpick this time.

I suppose I suppose it makes sense."
You said "I suppose" twice. I'd suggest you remove one, or if you want to keep the same feeling, add a comma after the last 'I suppose.".

Anyway, I'm going to review the next chapter, can't wait to read more after that!

~Kelpies.




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Sun Apr 26, 2015 8:03 am
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi r4p17! Me again here to continue reviewing this novel of yours!

Hm, this chapter had a turn of events in it that I didn't predict coming at all and makes me completely curious about why the ended up in jail. I am looking forward to knowing! I think the idea of them being there also explains the earlier suspicions about everyone being nervous around them. I believed it was simply because they were different from the hobbits, so good job on the foreshadowing that went on there! I honestly have no idea how they are going to get out of this predicament. Oh, and I loved the sarcasm that you had in this chapter. It was a great addition to Racen's character. You also did some great descriptions of the setting! This is exactly what I mean when I am asking for you to put descriptions and actions in between the dialogue. More chapters like this and I will be a very happy reviewer. ^.^

I found that RP was a bit too blase about being tortured. He didn't sound like he had been too affected at all. He simply said I hope it doesn't happen to you. I expected him to be tormented in his mind through the excruciating pain he has just been put through. Wold does say he looks horrible, but that is all we get as far as a description to his injuries go. Go into more depth here! I want to know how his flesh looks s if it has been shredded in certain, his face cut, his arms wrapped around his stomach as if it has been targeted. Just add in a few more details like that and it will make his whole experience come to life a bit more and have a stronger impact on the reader.

Another thing I was kind of shocked about was when Racen said that RP deserved torture. Deserved! If she was in her right mind she would know that torture isn't really deserved by anyone and can be utterly horrible. It's not something you can casually say. Someone must seriously hate someone else to wish torture on them. I would think that Racen didn't have such a dark mind or heart. So maybe lesser the shock of what she says there, or later have her realise how cruel she is being after Wold talks to her. I feel like she doesn't realise how she is becoming more like RP herself with such venomous thoughts.

Now he is sitting quietly on a stool in the corner. There are enough seats for him to sit down, but apparently he's too shy to eat with us. I suppose the fact that we are strangers frightens him. He looks to be twelve to fourteen years old. What I want to know is why he was so rude earlier, but is now frightened.


Sorry that I had to pull out such a big chunk! But this was all so normal, and stuff that I didn't want to know like this. He's sitting. Another sentence for why he isn't sitting with them. And then all these things about him which we don't need to really know for the story. If it isn't vitally important than cut it down a bit. Just say something like: Now he is sitting quietly on a stool in the corner even though there is enough space on the table. I can't help but wonder why someone as old as he is (possibly twelve) is so frightened of strangers? And why he was rude earlier?

You should really try to vary the length of your sentences. You use a lot of short ones, and then it all comes to sound a bit blunt. The magic word 'and' serves its purpose very well in making sentences longer. I know it's something hard to focus on when writing but just to throw it in in random sentences, make the next one a bit shorter and just have a variety in there so the style never gets boring or robotic.

One thing I was curious to know was how they captured Wold in the end. She mentions that the sleeping potion was put in RP and Racen's food, but she didn't feel drowsy which meant she didn't have any. I get the impression that she thought because her ribs are cracked as she says, but other than that there is no direct reference to her being captured. Did she try to fight back and injure some people in the process but was overpowered? I want to know what happened then in detail because it seems like it would be interesting to read about.

Nitpicking time! I am not including too many because Sunshine did a good job of pulling the majority of them out. I tried not to have the same things she had already mention, but apologies if I do occasionally repeat.

"Thank the mines that I don't have to cook food all the time. The only reason I do it is because the two you are always so lazy, trying to get more than your share of sleep."


I had no idea who said this phrase. It was later revealed that it was RP, so maybe you should just add a dialogue tag on the end to clear things up?

"Both you and RP look a little weak.


We're missing the closing speech marks in this sentence.

and the floors are full of wet oozing mud.


Racen is only lying on one floor, so floor should not have the 's' on the end to make it plural. Or do you mean tiles, if they are on a tiled floor? I wasn't too sure.

Who put the potion in our food.


I know Racen is only asking this in her mind, and to herself, but it doesn't defy the fact that it is a question. So make sure we get that question mark at the end!

I am just as bad from you


I don't think you meant 'from' here. I think you mean 'as'.

sleeping potion that he put on your eggs."


I think the correct term here would be in instead of 'on.'

"It serves him right after the way he's been treats me. He is so stubborn too. That's probably what got us here. He should never have argued with the thane


As Sunshine already mentioned, you should have The Thane capatilised like so. Also, this is another sentence missing its closing speech marks.

"I was ordered not to let you talk at all. You better be glad I am more lenient than the thane.


Oh, and another one needing those closing speech marks >.>

and look to look at who is coming. I see the light of a torch rounding a corner in the hallway.


'Look to look' sounds weird. I would rephrase that to have it be 'And look to see who is coming.' But then to avoid the repetition of the word see from the second sentence I would change the beginning of that one to read as 'There was a torch rounding a corner... etc.'

A good chapter here :) I like how the turn of the events was hinted at and yet I wasn't able to predict it at all! That always makes a good story in my opinion. I am going to read the very last chapter that I need to so I can be all caught up!

Deanie x




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Sat Mar 28, 2015 9:46 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hey, r4!

Alright, l second all of Kyllorac's points because those were some things that really stood out to me when I was reading through it, like how the sentence structure was fairly consistent and gave the writing a somewhat choppy flow (and then tense slip is sort of a tradition now xD) Especially towards the end, lots of words disappear and rereading is good so you'll catch those mistakes.

Next up! After Hazel drugged the food and the guards of the thane came to arrest them, they go through this whole ordeal, with r4 getting tortured and Racen and Wold stuck back worrying. That kind of thing, but something felt missing. That sense of urgency, defeat or fear just wasn't there. The emotion that should be so deeply rooted in this work because this is kind of terrifying. They've just been abducted and basically turned over by their own hosts (because I don't think Chicory was drugged, so maybe was in on it) and staring in the face of torture and pain. I'd be a little frightened and nervous on what's going to happen.

Another thong that came to me while reading this is why Racen's thoughts jump to the thane. As of late, Racen has been on edge with r4 and all this drama with him, and I feel like she would instantly jump to the conclusion that r4 did something to her. Because, even though the thane was not too long ago, r4's issues with her are still fresh in her mind.

Heading back to the emotion and realistic feeling, I'm really wondering about r4. Sure he says that the torture is pretty bad, but obviously not bad enough because he can still speak clearly like before, no change. I'd thinks someone who was just tortured would be a ton more tired and all silent, thinking about what just happened. Here he speaks like normal, and we don't even see his injuries and how they affect him. Perhaps look into that.

(*cough*Really watch your dialogue and insure you control it. I'd think now would be a perfect time to explore Racen and leave it at a lot more narration than normal, but no. There's still a lot of dialogue present. I suggest taking some time here and doing some character development in Racen's thoughts. Don't be afraid to slow things down, because not even chapter has to has lots of drama.*cough*)

Final thing that I thought about while reading was really how tired Racen is throughout this. She wakes up for just enough time to see Wold and RP (I totally just realized I've called hin r4 all this time... I totally meant RP through that...) and then goes back sleep. Uh, she just woke up? And I think she'd be a little too scared to sleep, again, nervous about what just happened to her?

But! I will say my attention is captured and I am very curious to figure out where this is leading. What will the thane do with them? What does he want? Is he really super duper evil and murder them? Or having some fun? I'm off to read more ^^

Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~




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Sat Mar 14, 2015 12:01 pm
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Kale wrote a review...



Hello! I haven't read any of the previous parts, so if I mention something as an issue that was addressed in a previous chapter, feel free to disregard it.

On a side note, I think this will be my last review for today. Lucky you! Let's get this chapter knocked out of the Green Room.

Chicory woke up shortly after Hazel did. She looks more perky than Hazel did. Once she arrived Hazel calmed down.

There are a lot of tense shifts in these three short sentences, yikes. It's really obvious, too, because this is right at the beginning of the chapter. I'd recommend simplifying things to help keep your tenses more easily consistent. Since this story seems to be told in the present tense, talking about things as they happen is probably the safest and easiest, rather than trying to talk about things that have already happened.

I'd basically recommend revising this tense-wise to "Chicory wakes up shortly after Hazel. She looks more perky than Hazel. Once she arrives, Hazel calms down."

Another thing to consider is combining sentences and varying your sentence structure a bit more. In the example I quoted above, you have two sentences right next to each other with the exact same structure. The narration would flow more smoothly if those two sentences were combined into one, with something like, "Chicory wakes up after Hazel, looking a lot more perky than him."

I'm glad I didn't pick him up.

"Him" should be "it", otherwise our narrator is attempting to pick up a dwarf. That makes for an amusing mental image, but I'm pretty sure that's not the meaning you intended.

Something I noticed is that you like to use "suddenly". Since this story is told in first-person, present tense, everything is happening suddenly from the reader's viewpoint, so having "suddenly"s around is a bit overkill. I'd recommend editing out as many "suddenly"s as you can find. Doing so will help keep your prose more focused.

Near the end of this chapter, I noticed more and more errors creep in. I'd recommend keeping a keener eye out for missing words and more tense shenanigans when proofreading, especially near the ends of chapters. It looks like you got tired as you got to the end of the chapter, and so all those little errors snuck through.

The only thing content-wise about this chapter that had me wondering was Racen crying. Up to that point, our narrator had put on a brave and sarcastic face, so it felt a bit odd that Racen would start crying once the sun was down, and it was made even odder because there's no explanation as to why Racen begins crying and keeps crying for so long. If you were to expand upon this a bit more, it would be a good idea because right now, the crying feels a bit inconsistent from what characterization can be seen in this chapter.




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Mon Mar 09, 2015 11:06 pm
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Sunshine1113 wrote a review...



Hey r4, Sunny here to review!

It's been awhile since I reviewed something of yours :P So I thought I would review something.

Ok on to my nitpicks:

Chicory woke up shortly after Hazel did. She looks more perky than Hazel did.


Redundancy!!! You can't have "Hazel did" two sentences in a row. It's wordy, boring, and plain ol' redundant. Maybe "Chicory woke up shortly after Hazel." and "She looked more perky than Hazel."

Now he is sitting quietly... ...to sit down, but apparently he's too shy to eat with us. .....He looks to be twelve to fourteen years old. ...is why he was so rude earlier, but is now frightened.


That's a lot of "he's". Break it up with his actual name or nick name.

The only reason I do it is because the two you are always so lazy


You really don't need the "it", but it's entirely up to you whether or not you want to keep it.

I'm glad I didn't pick him up.


Pick him up, or pick it up?

Is that the tramping of feet that I hear?


The two "that's" in this sentence makes it seem awkward and a bit redundant and wordy.

...is slipping out of consciences while....


Minor typo: consciousness

It must be the thane.


the thane or "The Thane"?

"Oh yes, of course! I am perfectly all right! How could I be otherwise when I have only had a perfect day because of RP being so kind, been given a sleeping potion which makes me feel perfectly alert, and I wake up totally refreshed in a perfect setting on a spotless floor that is softer than my very own bed! Yes, of course! I am absolutely fabulous!"


I have no critiques for this, I just love the sarcasm. It's "fabulous" :P ;)

He should never have argued with the thane


Missing a period here.

"Shut up!" the guard outside yells, his voice echoing through the dungeons.


You can use a semicolon (;) instead of a colon (,)

In case I haven't already mentioned it, they are my favorite creatures.


So much sarcasm. I love it. <3

disturbing out perfect paradise.


out or our?

I suppose I suppose it makes sense."


One too many "I supposes" in this sentence.

...undergo any of there, 'interrogations'."


"There" should be "their".

I absolutely loved this. I know I said that the last time I reviewed this but I really do love it I like the character development, they don't seem flat, but have some depth to them. I love your word choices.

Loved this, keep on writing!

~ Sunny




r4p17 says...


Oops! I actually meant to say looks. The first sentence was wrong. Tense slip there. :/




Art is never finished, only abandoned.
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