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Young Writers Society


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Typo Alley~B Part One

by r4p17


     Racen watched as the dwarf with his pickaxe and Wold, with her paws and claws dug down deep through the floor and down into the ground during the morning into the afternoon and all through the evening without stopping, save to get a bite to eat once or twice. She gathered a supply of food that she found lying around in the dark corners of the closet and made sure that they had everything they would need underground. There wasn't much that she could do aside from taking over for RP, while he was taking a short break, and encouraging the two as they worked. However as the dark of night closed in she curled up on the blue carpeted floor and fell asleep. I wonder when those two will be done. It is time for bed. Sleep. Sleep! Those were her last thoughts before she drifted off to sleep.

"Wake up! Wake up!" Racen opened her eyes to see the same silvery light shining from the glass ceiling above her and the form of the grey wolf standing above her. She let out a squeak of terror, forgetting where she was and who the wolf was. At that noise the wolf yelped backing up away from her. The high pitched noise startled him. Wolves have very sensitive ears.

"Good grief. That high pitched noise almost made me jump out of my fur! You startled me.

Racen realized with relief that the wolf in front of her was Wold, not a predator.

"Whew! You startled me, not the other way around. I thought that you were trying to kill me."

"That's alright." Wold said with a chuckle, licking her sleek grey fur. I can imagine how you might have thought so. Just try not to yell so loud next time." Racen smiled and sighed in relief.

"Well, what was the reason you woke up for? Did you get anywhere yet?" Wold nodded.

"We made it down several hundred feet. But you will never believe what we found!"

"What? What did you find?" she asked furrowing her brow. "Is it a monster of some sort?"

"No!" Wold exclaimed. "I can't exactly describe it to you. You will just have to see it yourself."

Racen stretched and yawned. She looked up at a large clock on the northern wall of Typo Alley and read the time. It was barely five in the morning. Why in the world would Wold wake me up no matter what he found at this unearthly hour? I must really be something really important.

She walked over to the box and pick up her bow and knapsack. It never hurts to be prepared in life! When she was ready to she walked over to the tunnel and followed Wold. All was silent.

The tunnel was barely four feet high. Racen, being an elf, had to bend herself over double. The going was slow and there wasn't very much air to breathe. As the two continued on Racen became more and more apprehensive. Good grief! How far did RP and Wold dig?

After almost five minutes Racen was about to stop and turn around; but then she saw a light of some sort shining ahead of them. That's strange. There should be any light down here. The one and only light source underground is...fire! Peals of alarm bells began to sound throughout Racen's brain. Is this really the safest thing to do? Come on Racen! Think strait.

"Where in the world is that light coming from?" she asked. She was quite perturbed by it.

"Don't worry. You will find out what is soon enough," Wold said calmly. "It's a secret for now."

Racen continued forward with apprehension welling up in her stomach. The knot of worry seeped up into her throat as they came nearer and nearer. But then she began to see that the light wasn't reddish like the light of a fire. It was golden like the light of the sun. That's so strange isn't it? I the light of the sun should be far above us, not down below in the earth.

After another minute they came to the light. Racen clambered through the opening. She was flooded by light. She closed her eyes and covered her face until her eyes grew accustomed to the light. She looked around her and found that she was in a cave. The mouth wasn't more than a few yards away.

"Where are we?" She asked, stupefied. She could see stalactites and stalagmites back in the recesses of the cave along with a few bats that were hanging fro the ceiling.

"We have no idea," RP said stroking his beard. "We think this may be the Story World!"

"Oh my!" Racen exclaimed. "That would be something! The question is what do we do now? These provisions won't last us long. They might last the three of us four or five days, if that. We'll need to get out of this cave and have a look around. Perhaps I could try to climb a tree. There are hundreds of pines here in this forest!"

"Yes," Wold said. "That pine with all those low hanging branches would suit our purpose."

RP agreed and Racen walked over to the base of the large tree. It's branches spread in a large labyrinth encompassing a good portion of that corner of the forest. With a little boost from RP she was able to reach the first branch of the tree and put herself in a good position.

"Make sure my bow is safe," Racen called down when she was several yards above ground.

"It's not as if there is anything that could harm it," RP replied grumpily. He was rather tired as a result of staying up nearly all night. This made him unusually cranky.

"Well just make sure!" She said. Even though she had only just received it, she had grown quite fond of it in the short time she owned it. That reminds me, I shall have to practice with it for a long time. It is a good thing that elves have an uncanny ability to use bows!

"Are you almost above the cover of the trees yet?" RP called up after five minutes. Why does he have to be so impatient! I bet he would take five minutes just figuring out how to get to the very first branch after all! However Racen merely replied that she had a ways to go yet.

As she reached the uppermost section of the tree Racen pause to take a breath. She had just emerged from the cover of the trees. The sight that met her took her breath away. To the west the forest stretched for miles and miles running up against the horizon likewise it ran for miles to the north. But to the east she could see the peaks of mountains jutting up like bubble from a pan of boiling water, though they were perhaps a little bit sharper. Yet the view of the south was what struck her. The sea glistened like a sheet of diamonds.

For a moment Racen sat atop the tree taking in several deep breaths. Climbing is hard work. I don't think very many people take that into account. Then again most people don't decide to go up and climb to the top of a sixty foot pine every day either! Racen looked up at the mountains to see a black cloud coming over the mountains. That's strange. It seems to be moving awful quickly! Wait! It might be a large flock of birds migrating over the mountains. No they would be flying south. And it appears to be summer now based on the warm temperature. After watching the birds for a while she remembered her friends below as their cries began reaching her ears.

"Just hold on a second guys! I will be down there as soon as I can. I was just getting all my breath back and enjoying this wonderful view climbing trees is awful hard work!"

"Well then you'd hurry up about it!" Wold howled up to her.

Racen took one more look at the flock of birds and then began the long descent to the forest floor below her. It was several minutes before she reached the thin layer of needles below.

"Well tell us what you saw when you were sitting at the top of the tree for an hour," RP said.

"I was not up there for an hour!" Racen said. "You don't have to be soooo demanding either!"

"Well that's easy for you to say. You haven't been stuck down here on the forest floor waiting and waiting for you get back down from the the top of a tree and tell us how in the world we're supposed to get out of this blasted pine forest!" Racen cringed. Maybe I have been up there a little bit long. But if I was I really didn't mean to. I'm sorry if I did but RP could be a little nicer.

"Sorry," Racen said meekly. "I guess I was too tired and the view was so breathtaking!"

"Well dear, it would be nice if you could tell us a little bit more about it and how to get out of here," Wold said kindly. Racen silently chided herself, cleared her throat and began.


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Sun Feb 22, 2015 12:34 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle back for another Review Day review!

Racen watched as the dwarf with his pickaxe and Wold, with her paws and claws dug down deep through the floor and down into the ground during the morning into the afternoon and all through the evening without stopping, save to get a bite to eat once or twice.

Whoa, now that's a run on ;) Chop it up. Talk about RP and Wold digging, then mention the timing in the next sentence. The way I always check for run on sentences is to read my writing out loud. That way you can really hear how everything flows and how it all comes together.

There wasn't much that she could do aside from taking over for RP, while he was taking a short break, and encouraging the two as they worked. However as the dark of night closed in she curled up on the blue carpeted floor and fell asleep.

I've been noticing your use of commas. Commas can be tricky because they sneak in there when they're not supposed to, but they look right. Here in these two sentences, there are quite a few commas out of place and missing. In the first sentence there shouldn't be a comma after 'RP' or 'and'. That's a full sentence without any breaks. In the second sentence, there should be a comma after 'However' and maybe one after 'she'. I'm not sure about the second comma, but I know there should be one after 'However'. I'm not usually one to point out grammatical things like this because goodness knows my grammar is terrible too, but I do mention some things that I'm absolutely positive about.

I was kind of hoping for more description of the tunnel. I know that it's just a tunnel going underground, but seeing as I have never been in an underground tunnel, I was excited to read about it. You did good with explaining how Racen was panicking and not being able to breathe, but I wanted more. What was the ground like? Did little pieces crack off and land by her feet, making her panic even more? What about the bugs? Maybe Racen doesn't like bugs and it makes the situation even worse. Really get into it and show us what's going on while they're in this tunnel.

He was rather tired as a result of staying up nearly all night. This made him unusually cranky.

This story is being told from Racen's point of view, right? Here you switch to RP's. You can always have Racen assume that he's grumpy because he didn't get much sleep. It's always easy to tell when someone hasn't gotten much sleep based on their looks. She would be able to catch it right away.

So, to be honest, the part about the tree confused me a bit. When they first entered the cave, I was under the impression that it was completely empty. But now there's this tree and Racen is climbing it to look around. Maybe you could mention the tree when they first get down there? Or describe more than just the stalagmites and bats? The original description just makes it sound like a huge empty cave.

What I like about this chapter is that we get to see the characters interacting. Not that they weren't interacting before, but there seems to be more of it in this chapter. Especially in the beginning with Wold waking up Racen. That part I especially liked because we get to see more about Wold. All we really know about her is that she's a wolf. But we see that she's a bit sensitive, not just with her ears :3, and isn't really a ferocious character. I learned that all from the moment when Racen screams and hurts Wold's ears. Those are the little things that I really enjoy in character development.

You're doing a pretty good job with your world building as well. There are some descriptions that I feel like were left out, but I mentioned them already so I won't go into it again. Aside from that, we've gotten a good idea of what kind of world this story takes place in and what's going on in it. We'll learn more later I know, but for the beginning, we have enough information to at least understand what's going on.

I can't wait for them to start off on this adventure and explore Story World! It sounds like a very lovely place.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Sun Dec 28, 2014 11:41 pm
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PickledChrissy wrote a review...



Chrissy here for a review!

"Good grief. That high pitched noise almost made me jump out of my fur! You startled me.


You forgot the quotation mark at the end.

The high pitched noise startled him. Wolves have very sensitive ears.

"Good grief. That high pitched noise almost made me jump out of my fur! You startled me.


Okay, you have high pitched noise twice in there. Their waaaay too close together. The same with startled.

Racen realized with relief that the wolf in front of her was Wold, not a predator.

"Whew! You startled me, not the other way around. I thought that you were trying to kill me."

"That's alright." Wold said with a chuckle, licking her sleek grey fur. I can imagine how you might have thought so. Just try not to yell so loud next time." Racen smiled and sighed in relief.


You did it again! You have relief at the beginning and the end.

I must really be something really important.


I think you meant It at the beginning. ;)

This made him unusually cranky.


Even crankier than usually? I feel sorry for Racen!

Racen took one more look at the flock of birds and then began the long descent to the forest floor below her. It was several minutes before she reached the thin layer of needles below.


Describe the climb a bit. The feeling of the bark against her hand. Was the air cold or something? What did it smell like? Was it cloudy out? Or could she see the stars? We don't know. You need to tell us.

I love it! RP is as grumpy as usual, if not more so. Racen's just as fun, and the same goes for the rest of them! Keep writing!




r4p17 says...


Thanks for the review!



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Sun Aug 31, 2014 5:03 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi r4p17!

As always, it is my honour to read one of your chapters! I love that they are in the story world and it was so lovely when you described the setting. I could imagine Racen eagerly climbing the tree and then sitting at the top as she watched the birds pass by overhead and the sea glistening in one corner. I wonder what they are supposed to be doing down there and what they could possibly encounter! I am sure lots of things are going to happen, and their adventure has only just begun. You're also doing a good job of including all the main characters in there and letting everyone share the limelight a bit. I love it ^.^ Keep up the creativity!

Racen watched as the dwarf with his pickaxe and Wold, with her paws and claws dug down deep through the floor and down into the ground during the morning into the afternoon and all through the evening without stopping, save to get a bite to eat once or twice.


Okay, this was a really long sentence with not enough breaks in it at all! We call those run on sentences. Below is my suggestion of ways to break it up a bit more.

Suggestion: Racen watched the dwarf with his pickaxe and Wold who used her paws and claws to dig. They dug deep through the floor and down into the ground all through the morning, evening and afternoon without stopping. The only exceptions were to get a bit to eat once or twice.

Do you see how I changed the wording slightly to make more leeway for pauses? If you're ever proofreading before posting and see one, try and think of ways to say the same thing but just through different words. It usually works ;)

There wasn't much that she could do aside from taking over for RP, while he was taking a short break,


Hm, you repeated the word 'taking' here twice even though it could easily be avoided. How about making the ending to sentence something like 'while he had a short break?' No need to use the same word twice.

Sleep. Sleep! Those were her last thoughts before she drifted off to sleep.


Yeah, I am pulling this out due to repetition again. When you say sleep twice at the beginning there I don't mind at all because it's there to put emphasis on the word and how much Racen craves it. But I do think it could've been avoided the third time at the end there. You could easily put the full stop after drifted off and we'd know what you meant without the last two words there as well. It is clear enough.

Those were her last thoughts before she drifted off to sleep.

"Wake up! Wake up!"


Hm, there is time passing between these two paragraphs! It's nice when you get to mark it out so it's really clear from the reader as well. It's easiest to do this with a scene break, which is where these lovely asterisk come in. They look like this *** And the example for you is:

Those were her last thoughts before she drifted off to sleep.

***
"Wake up! Wake up!"

Tada! Hope it helps you ;)

At that noise the wolf yelped backing up away from her.


Comma needed after the word yelped. If you want help with knowing when you do and don't need a comma, try reading your work aloud to yourself. Whenever you take a natural pause in a sentence, that's where you need to have a comma. I realized this really helped me when it came to my own writing ^^ Maybe it will work for you too!

"Good grief. That high pitched noise almost made me jump out of my fur! You startled me.


You forgot to put speech marks at the end of this lot of speech. As well as that, I feel like an exclamation mark would work better than a full stop after 'good grief'. It would just help bring across the sense of surprise more.

I can imagine how you might have thought so. Just try not to yell so loud next time."


You didn't have speech marks at the beginning of this lot of speech either. It's a small point but it could make things less confusing for the reader.

Racen, being an elf


In my minds eye, elves are usually pretty small already? Almost as small as dwarves I would imagine xD So why would she need to stoop down when a big wolf can fit down there and a dwarf as well? Unless the elves in this story are tall and lanky somehow. If that is the case, then let us know in description! That way we can understand better.

That's strange. There should be any light down here.


I think you mean shouldn't instead of should.

The one and only light source underground is...fire!


I believe I have mentioned it before but I doubt you would've had time to edit this chapter as well since. So just a brief recap! Remember to have a space after the ellipsis otherwise you are linking the two words together. And I'm pretty sure isfire doesn't make any sense. ;) So put in that all important space!

Come on Racen! Think strait.


*straight

I the light of the sun should be far above us


I think the 'I' here is a typo and the sentence should really begin with the 'the.'

After another minute they came to the light. Racen clambered through the opening. She was flooded by light. She closed her eyes and covered her face until her eyes grew accustomed to the light.


Okay, the word light is repeated three times here all in close succession. All but one should be changed into something different so we get a bit more variation of vocabulary. How about this?

After another minute they came to the light. Racen clambered through the opening. She was flooded by the yellow and orange haze that lit up her body. She closed her eyes and covered her face until her eyes grew accustomed to the brightness surrounding her.

that were hanging fro the ceiling.


*from

This made him unusually cranky.


I think this sentence flows better when you replace the word 'this' with 'that' instead.

five minutes just figuring out how to get to the very first branch after all!


The word 'after' should be replaced with 'at' to have this sentence make more sense.

As she reached the uppermost section of the tree Racen pause to take a breath.


*paused (Just to keep it all in the same tense.)

No they would be flying south.


Comma needed after the word 'no'.

I was just getting all my breath back and enjoying this wonderful view climbing trees is awful hard work!"

This is actually two sentences that you have strung together. There should be a full stop after the word 'view.'

"Well then you'd hurry up about it!"


Comma needed after the 'well'.

Well tell us what you saw when you were sitting at the top of the tree for an hour,"


Again, comma needed after the 'well'.

I know this was a lot of nitpicks but I thought you could use most of your help in those areas. Hopefully editing these previous chapters should make the corrections of mistakes like these easier to catch out before posting in future chapters. So, I am sorry if you don't really like nitpicking reviews. But when it comes to the story itself, there isn't too much to say. You've got all the characters equally sharing the limelight, the plot moving forward and have me as a reader wondering what will happen in Story world.

It might be nice if Racen thought of Katya for a moment, who isn't there with them. Maybe she wonders what she is busy doing at the moment, or even thinks that Katya would've really enjoyed seeing a view such as this one. Maybe she has a memory of Katya's clumsiness and laughs, missing her friend.

Another thing is we don't have much personality for each of the members. We know a bit about them and know what they look like and what they are. But we don't know anything about their morals, values or the really deep stuff. What would they do if put in a tricky situation. Sure, these things are difficult to reveal when it comes to a novel. But I believe you could do it in their adventure, by giving them some very challenging things to tackle. I hope to see this shine in future chapters as well, then ^^

I have nothing more to say! On to the next chapter to see where you're lovely imagination has brought the characters next!

Deanie x




r4p17 says...


Thanks for the review! Just FYI, Racen is an LOTR like elf not the ones that make shoes. : P



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Sun Jul 27, 2014 2:51 am
Kelpies wrote a review...



Hello yet again r4p17!

I like where this story is going! I see a little bit of inspiration from "The Center of the Earth" Or something close to that. I do have some quick critique though:


"The sea glistened like a sheet of diamonds." I think you meant: "It was the sea, glistening like a sheet of diamonds." Or something like that.

Otherwise, no typos in typo alley!

~Kelpies




r4p17 says...


Thanks for the review, Kelpies. I am glad you like this story!



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Sun Jul 27, 2014 2:44 am
AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Happy Review Day! Let's see what we have here.

I am starting to get confused on what the plot of the tory is. I see that they are going on an adventure but what kind of adventure? Where are they getting ready to go? That's all I have to say that may need to be improved.

Now for the great things that are in this text. The part where Racen wakes up to wold is really good. Though I have to say that I act like wold in real life when waking up at a sleepover or something. I like the tree thing though it seems to me as a bit random but that ia juat my opioin. Excuse my spellinf though, my tablet sucks. You could always have a bit more imagery in your piece. Also if you want a swift spelling and grammar checker you can always hop down to microsoft word. I am a about to kill my keyboard at this point, so i should finiah up this review. Keep calm and keep writing. Have a nice review day!




r4p17 says...


Thanks for the review! As for where they are going they are in the Story World. But they don't really know Much about it.



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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello, r4p, Wolf here for another review.

First off some nitpicks:

Racen watched as the dwarf with his pickaxe and Wold, with her paws and claws dug down deep through the floor and down into the ground during the morning into the afternoon and all through the evening without stopping, save to get a bite to eat once or twice.

First thing, I found this really awkwardly worded, especially for being the first sentence of the part. Also, it feels like a really long run-on. Please try to make this more clear and split it up into separate sentences. You're trying to squash so much information into a little tiny sentence.

The high pitched noise startled him.

Wrong gender ;)

You startled me.

You forgot the ending quotation mark.

I can imagine...

This time the starting quotation mark was forgotten.

...what he found at this...

You did it again ;-;

I must really be...

I think some proof reading should be in order. 'I' should be 'it'.

There are tons of other mistakes, but I really don't have the time to sift through all that. I would recommend to go through and reread everything very carefully, word for word, to catch other mistakes.

Very interesting, so the story world seems just like the wilderness. A fine job this chapter, and your descriptions are very nice. I like towards the end the slow progression through the cave, but I feel the majority of the chapter seemed rushed. Wold and RP couldn't have dug that much in so little time without breaks. Maybe stretch it out to feel more realistic.

I like the thoughts that you add in there, but be careful not to over do it. Most third person novels don't really have so many thoughts like that. If you want it to be added so much like that, maybe try a switch to first person. Then you won't have to always go in and say 'she thought this, she thought that.' Etc, etc.

Overall, I still thought it was nice and your character interactions and dialogue has improved. Keep working on that and this will be fantabulous! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Image




r4p17 says...


Thanks soooo much for the review. I am glad to see that I have improved some. :) I will work on the things you suggested/pointed out. Once review day is over I will edit this and clear out the mistakes and typos.




An existential crisis a day keeps the writer's block away <3
— LadyBug