Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Innocence sheltered you like a brick wall.
It protected you from the harsh world,
While the rest of us were battered and bruised.
I always wished you would never grow up.
You used to be so innocent when I knew you.
The combination of a razor blade and your arm
Seemed alien and a pointless use of your time and effort.
Well now you know how it feels, and so do I.
You’re not innocent at all. Not anymore.
You’ve been so exposed to life that it has consumed
All of the person you used to be. Such a shame.
Because I used to really love the old you.
All you’ve become is a simple ‘Fuck you’ to the world.
An emotional mess that someone has to clean up.
A drug-addled teen that had so much potential.
But you threw it away like yesterday’s vodka bottle.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi!
Great job here. I really like how you kept to a common theme and embedded it thought the work. It's very important to stick to the point.
I recommend getting rid of the lines. The stanzas as a blank space do enough justice to signify you are moving onto the next portion of the poem. Lines are unneeded as the space means that there is a new idea.
"so exposed to life that it has consumed"
This part confuses me a bit. I know what you are attempting to say, but it sounds a bit awkward in this order. You might want to change the words' order around to be clearer.
Other than that the figurative language is very nice. It's very descriptive and I can feel the emotion in the simile and metaphors in the work. It's always important to use good figurative techniques.
Also I like how you did not keep the work directed at the person. You compared the situation to yourself and how you and other fared during this time. It shows what was really going on and the contrast really clears up the situation for the reader.
I really can not say I find anything else wrong with the work and could only dish out compliments. Great job!
Hey there, Weymouth! Thanks for sharing your writing with us.
The thing that first struck me was that I liked ending the poem on a real concrete image that had a lot of philosophical undertones, a lot of connections back to the gut of the poem.
I liked it especially because it's pretty hard to write an original poem about the same philosophical or abstract ideas while only using abstract language. Phrases like "You know how it feels and so do I" or "I used to really love the old you" are moments anchored only in thought, and because of that they've been expressed this way at one time or another.
Another thing I think could be improved would be making it just a little more clear who the narrator is speaking to. When I was reading through poems for a lit. mag., I noticed a LOT of poems came through addressed to an ambiguous "you", and after a while that got kind of frustrating. We, as humans, like hearing human stories, but a disembodied "you" is not human, and thus we can lose interest in that kind of address faster than if you solidified the relationship between the speaker and listener.
Hope these thoughts are helpful to you as you continue to learn and write more!
If you have any questions or comments, PM me or reply to this review.
Good luck and keep writing!
Hannah