I sit in the backseat
Hands in the air
As my mother
Bounds over the bump in the road.
"Wheeeee!" she calls to my little backseat self.
"Wheeeee!" I gurgle back happily.
~
I sit in the front seat
My sister sits in the back
She doesn't notice
My mother's tone
We hit the bump in the road, just
As she's scolding me for something.
My little sister shouts gleefully,
"Wheeeee!"
But no one answers her.
~
I drive alone now
To my empty,
Quiet house.
But when I hit
That bump in the road
I hear my mother's voice
Whispering, quietly, in my ear:
"Wheeeee!"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
There's a good emotional depth to this poem. You do a really lovely job of telling a story so simply and beautifully. My only complaint would be that in the first stanza, it doesn't seem to flow right. It feels sort of like you're just breaking the lines where different phrases end instead of where it flows well, where it sounds right.
I think the poem's a great metaphor for how, as time goes on, we react differently to the similar situations, similar obstacles. When we don't know the gravity of it or when we're more concerned about another, we take it in stride, even make a game of it, but when we're angry or nervous, it becomes harder to do that and we even begrudge other people trying to lighten the situation, but we're apt to remember the good rather than the bad. At least that's my interpretation of the poem.
Keep writing and Happy Review Day!
-tgirly
I think the biggest strength of this piece is that it portrays so specifically a strong, emotional regret without explicitly stating that regret or confusion of emotion. It's also not the straight forward "passage of time, where did my mom go" story, but one mixed up with a little bit of hate that makes it harder to understand how to feel at the end, just like the main character would feel.
I think the biggest weakness of this piece is the silliness of the repeated phrase -- "wheee" -- that makes the last, serious note of the poem come off seeming like a joke. Like we're supposed to be really sad that the mom is dead, but then in the quiet of the car, we hear "wheeeee". It seems absurd! You could easily find another refrain that is not as saturated with and inseparable from glee. Maybe "up we go" or "up and down~" or something that doesn't necessarily read as positive would work more smoothly in the last stanza.
Other things I think could be improved would be adding a little more physicality. We have the bump and the back seat, but I never really feel that there's a car. Adding details about something else in the car, or maybe a sight of the street would bring the physical images and space in line and make the poem feel more real.
Still, pretty nice execution! I hope this review is helpful to you~
PM me or leave a comment if you have any questions or want to talk further!
Good luck and keep writing.
Hannah
Thank you, Hannah!
Have a great day!
So far, I need more details about the scene and now the car. I might need some help crafting another stanza from your suggestions, because I am terrible at edits. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my little thing
Well, if you want to talk about it more together, feel free to send me a PM and we can work on it!
You're welcome~
Ahhh another beautiful poem I love like every single writing piece from you (will stalk you).
Okay so like when I read it through the first time I felt really sad and then I read it again carefully, then I found the idea of driving and just calling out "Wheeee!" out of nowhere was kind of funny but well like I can't do anything about that
I want to tell you maybe you should add some sort of hint like where you are going when you are doing this, or if you guys do this often, or what kind of "fun" thing happened for you guys to be so happy and Whee, but I don't know how you might add this to the stanza...
Okay, like I didn't exactly understand the point of the second stanza (sorry it's just me) because the last stanza just talks about hearing your mother's voice, there is no point of the second stanza. So I think you should either delete the second stanza or write: "I hear their voice" instead of
Anyways, totally crrazzzy about your writing, love you and your gorgeous writing.
I know you're going to, but I'm going to say it anyway: Keep writing. At least for me.
-Unnatural
Oh, why thank you! Every thing I have is for you to stalk, my friend.
Could you help me write a stanza like the one you described about adding some detail? I had the words come so easily when I first wrote this that now adding more is like stuffing the crevices of an overflowing suitcase with packing peanuts. Help is greatly appreciated and I can't wait to see you around my work some more!
Sure, I'll post on your wall or something if anything comes up in my mind
Keep in touch, I'd LOVE to help you out in any way I can!
Hey Royalhighness!
The poem is indeed well written. The words have been chosen carefully.
I liked reading it but it could've been more effective. If you describe the drive a bit more it can be helpful.
Well, good job I must say. The feelings are well portrayed. Keep writing. I will love to read more from you.
Loads of best wishes,
Anne