Young Writers Society

Whoa there!! This was amazing!! I love the use of description and details you inserted into this poem. I felt like I really connected with it because of the amount of depth and emotion that is woven into it. The way you described exactly what the character is feeling is absolutely brilliant! The only concern I have is the flow of the second to last stanza. It is partially hard to understand what you are trying to portray. Other than that little tid-bit I am thoroughly impressed with this. I give this a 4.5/5.

Hey There.
Here to review as you had requested and I promised.
Girl, I have one word for you: 'WOW'.
You have done an amazing job. It often becomes extremely difficult to keep up a rhyme, which makes it sound as if the rhyme was forced. But my dear girl, you've done the job brilliantly.

"They're much too loud, these quiet sounds;
And the blame rests on your ghost.
The silence you've left is deafening;
I know this better than most."

I personally related to this stanza very deeply as I'm at a point somewhat similar to those.

Maybe it's just me, but there was a mystery as to whether 'the great loss' is a death or just someone leaving. I do not mean to say that it's not good. I personally find this mystery making the poem even more interesting because you're making the reader think and feel at the same time.

Overall it's a job done very well!

Harshita

Hi.

I really really liked the piece. It comes to me at an amazing time in life, because I am going through this insomnia, caused out of loss. So, every word of it, I can relate to.

The best lines first.
"I insist I can hear
the night turning to day." Really sealed the deal for me. I loved loved loved them.

There is an obvious rhyme scheme in your poem, and I like that, because initially the words engage you so much that you only notice the technicalities in the second reading. Not many poems have rhyme scheme that are so obvious yet so invisible.

Now some tid-bits of issues I felt:

"In my sheets"... should probably be 'on my sheets. One can't exactly be inside a sheet that way. One is only wrapped inside a sheet.

"They're much too loud, these quiet sounds;
And the blame rests on your ghost.
The silence you've left is deafening;
I know this better than most."
I love these lines, really, a lot. But somehow they don't make for a smooth read, One has to read and re-read them with a lot of concentration. This might cause you to get readers who are up for a tough read, or this might put off some people.
Saying that only from the perspective of a reader.
As a writer, the lines are awesome.

Keep up with writing!

-Erin

Hey Tiny here!

I have bolded all y favorite parts of your poem for you to show your strengths rather than your weaknesses for once.

Now, I am acutely aware of all things that were quiet once before.

Every breath my lungs take;
Every beat my heart makes;

The ringing in my ear
never seems to go away.
And I insist I can hear
the night turning to day.

"Be still, be still."
I can't heed my own advice.
"Sleep now, rest."
I can't embrace the night.

In my veins: I hear blood pulsing and coursing.
In my sheets: I hear my own rustles and stirs.
The list goes on of things my ears receive.
You can't comprehend how much there is to be heard.

They're much too loud, these quiet sounds;
And the blame rests on your ghost.
The silence you've left is deafening;
I know this better than most.

They're constant, these sounds;
They seem to have no end.
No longer do I try to hush them,
Rather, embrace them as a friend.

Thank you for the beautiful poem sweetie

Keep writing

Wow! I think you have accurately reflected what every insomniac thinks at night when they're so desperately trying to sleep but fail to do so. Congrats on that! The descriptions you use are impeccably perfect.

I love how you begin the poem with the person attempting to fall asleep and hating how they cannot and are practically forced to stay awake - or so it seems, and then by the end of the poem they accept the fact that they have insomnia and they aren't going to end any time soon.

Everything is embodied perfectly here, and I love how you emphasized all of the sounds that are heard and keep people awake at night. It's a lovely poem!

I have insomnia and I can definitely relate to that! Your writing is simple, yet very powerful! I love your arrangement, and I didn't find any grammatical errors. I really enjoyed it! However, I was expecting it to be more about the loss of a loved one, and I understand the connection, but I believe this piece is more about a sleepless night then the loss of someone. But still a very great poem! Keep writing!

I'm sorry but this is literally perfect to me. I just keep rereading it, and every part of it, there's so much more put into laying awake. Something simple taken, and delved into, it's mysterious to me. I like the personification, and the way it feels so black and white. I think this is amazing. c:

This is amazing.