I fight fire with paradox -
I'd like to burn
the sun just to prove that I can.
I want to punch out the facets
of the moon like plastic soda tops
to say something cratered
can be filled again: I can save you
from all but yourself.
Buildings burn, and your windows
are broken and smoking
and crackle - there are scars
shaped like cigarette ends
all over your skin.
But my dust won't douse you;
you lack oxygen and still
you burn. I'm afraid
of discarding your stars
while trying to put out your flames.
redoing this cuz it didn't count last time...
PeanutPhoebe, here to review!! interesting!! i don't see how the moon goes with it. You split up the stanzas nicely, and have a good beat. You describe everything well without being too wordy. Great job on this, it has a lot of potential, yet could use some improvement. Keep writing!! Amazing!! Love it...
PeanutPhoebe
PeanutPhoebe, here to review!! interesting!! i don't see how the moon goes with it. You split up the stanzas nicely, and have a good beat. You describe everything well without being too wordy. Great job on this, it has a lot of potential, yet could use some improvement. Keep writing!!
PeanutPhoebe
Hey!
It is a pleasure as always to read you poetry. It is always so interesting and fascinating.
I enjoyed this poem. You have some really nice lines and ideas.
I really liked the last lines
'I'm afraid
of discarding your stars
while trying to put out your flames.'
The idea of hurting somebody to much that you completely ruin them, yet at the same time you want to fix them really resonated with me.
The only thing I would really mention is that at times you change tense.
'Buildings burn, and your windows
are broken and smoking
and crackle - there are scars'
I recommend changing 'crackle' to crackling. It simply makes mores sense.
I really don't have anything else to say, except well done!
Nargles xx
Knight Dragon, here to review on this glorious Review Day!
Technical first:
"of the moon like plastic soda tops", I need a period after "tops".
And please capitalize the first word of the next line.
Content:
I liked what you did here, especially with
"I'm afraid
of discarding your stars
while trying to put out your flames."
I definitely liked the way you had the paradox there at the end, pointing the readers back to your first line [and you tie in the fire too!!!]. Really good job there.
Hope this helps!
I like this poem very much. I love these lines especially:
"I'd like to burn the sun just to prove I can."
and
"...to say something cratered can be filled again."
Put simply, I love it.
The only criticism I offer is that I'm not sure what you meant by
"but my dust won't douse you..."
However, I love the last line. Good job and I look forward to reading more from you in the future!
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