I am jocose and jaunty,
That's what most people say.
I am never in one place
and I like it that way.
That's why I am naughty.
A lot about me yet to be discovered.
Laughing is my passion
And jumping is my fashion.
It seems lame of me,
to write something nuts.
I shake slightly
and people call me joggly.
I am mentally disturbed..
People give me all sorts of names.
Sometimes I am lame
and sometimes totally insane.
That's the way I am.
Like me or not
I'll be who I am.
'Cause Im jocose and jaunty
And I like the way it is.
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137,699 Literary Works • 672,062 Reviews
Wow! I love this piece - it is so maniacal yet fun at the same time.
First of all, I like your hook. The rhyming is excellent at the beginning of this poem.
I do, however, offer a few suggestions.
"A lot about me yet to be discovered."
Maybe tweak this to "A lot about me is yet to be discovered." I don't think it disrupts the flow of your poem if you change it, and I think it just makes more sense to readers.
"It seems lame of me, / to write something nuts."
I'm not a fan of your use of the word "nuts" here - seems too colloquial in comparison to the rest of the piece. You could just say "to write something so crazy". Again, just a thought.
"Sometimes I am lame / and sometimes totally insane."
Rhyming is too forced here.
"'Cause Im jocose and jaunty / And I like the way it is."
You started with I AM jocose and jaunty - not I'm. So I would stick to I am.
Overall, I really like this piece. Excellent work - it speaks to the twisted part of my mind!
I like the rhyme.
I know that sounds weird, but I have read way too many poems that do not rhyme. So thank you.
I like how you include all the names people might call you.
I like how The lines and pretty much the whole poem are fairly short. I like to read short poems because my mind moves very fast, zooming to do or read the next thing.
All in all, it was an awesome read.
herby
Thnks
pssst! shift-enter to only jump down one line instead of two! ^^
Finally someone said me that. THANK UU SO MUCH.
you're welcome ^^
I like the way you did this. Well done.
Just a few quick things!
"Alot about me yet to be discovered"
A lot is two separate words. Also, the word is should be between me and yet.
"Cause 'm jocose and jaunty"
You missed the I in I'm.
Besides that, there's not really anything else I see wrong. I hope to see more from you.
Thnkx
More reviews from the Dragon!!!!
Technique time!
"Alot about me yet to be discovered./Laughing my passion/And jumping my fashion." These three lines really threw me. "Alot" should be "a lot", and the "yet to be discovered" just felt rough. "Laughing my passion/And..." I think you should have "Laughing is my../jumping is my..." It just flows better that way.
"'Cause 'm jocose and jaunty". Your " 'm" needs to be "I'm".
Other minor picky things I could say that would just be preference things, such as the last line's wording: I would have done "And I like it that way." Now, there's nothing wrong with what you said in the last line; that's just not how I would have done it. But that's me and not you. So good job otherwise.
Hope this helps!
Thnkx