Young Writers Society

Hey Rainn,

Though something that "just came out," I think this was a pretty cool poem to read:) I really liked the style you used. I think one of the themes from it was that someone can keep putting and putting something off, and then eventually it becomes too late to help it. You had a pretty hard concept to portray and I think you did a good job with it by using actual days to explain how it is all occurring over time and even then nothing changes.
I would review more, but I really don't think I would personally change anything about this beautiful poem. Sure maybe a little more imagery would be nice, but in the end, you're not trying to convey a sight, but a feeling.
Very good as always:) Keep it up, I love reading your poems:)
Rose

Hey Rainn, sorry it's been so long. Life and such, y'know.

Ok, so I'm not really digging this poem terribly much. The topic is a potentially powerful one, and your handling of it is fine. All the ideas are there, you're just lacking the execution - the elements that separate poetry from other forms of literature. Most importantly, you're lacking imagery and evocative language.

Restless soul
Distracted mind...
Always moving,
moving through time.

Never stop to wonder what is really going on,
just pass them by.
Just leave them alone.
You don't need to worry about them, right?
Why should you have to deal with their petty needs.

Hi, Gsp here, and I’ll be your reviewer today! Or one of them, but you know.

Well, let’s jump right in shall we? We’ll start with the things that I noticed that I think could use changing and go from there.

Restless soul
Distracted mind...
Always moving,
moving through time.

Never stop to wonder what is really going on,
just pass them by.

Why should you have to deal with their petty needs.

Thursday,
Just like everyday.
Sitting on the side of the road.
Waiting for someone.

Or no one.

Or no one....

But no, it's not their problem.
Why should they have to care?
I might make it through.
Might make it....

Just like everday.

No more can I not, not ignore.

I have random junk I don't use.

Just...
Not like everyday.

The man is gone.

No more not.

Forever.

Restless soul
Distracted mind...
Always moving,
moving through time.

No, it's not your problem.
Just pass them by.
Just leave them alone.
Just because they are cold doesn't mean you have to give them blankets.
Doesn't mean you have to care.
It's not your problem.

Thursday,
Just like everyday.
Sitting on the side of the road.
Waiting for someone.

Or no one.

Or no one....

But no, it's not their problem.
Why should they have to care?
I might make it through.
Might make it....

Friday,
Just like everyday.
Walking with my seven-dollar coffee.
Walking seven blocks to work.
Not even giving seven thoughts,
or seven cents for them.
Just like everyday.

Monday,
Not like everday.
No more can I think about not thinking about them.
No more can I not be kind.
No more can I look to the ground and see him.
Sitting there.
No more can I not, not ignore.

Not ignore.

Never ignore.

Why ignore?

I have cash.
I have food.
I have blankets.
I have random junk I don't use.

Just sitting there.

Not like everyday.

The man is gone.

No more not.

Forever.

Hello Rainn,

EnchantedPanda here to review your lovely poem as requested!

Wow! This is actually really cool. I see what you mean when you said this had a weird style but I actually really like it. It's got no real format and it's completely all over the place aesthetically but it's actually incredibly, incredibly amazing. I really like the whole theme of this, about caring and karma and all of that. It's a popular message nowadays with so many people starving and dying around us without us choosing to care. I think you showed that it is a choice whether we care or not and since we can help, that's exactly what we should be doing. Great job with the important messages, I think you really conveyed your point very well. Not only through your completely unique use of formatting and actual poetry style, but also through your consistency of original and new phrases.

The first thing I noticed about this when I read this was the really strong beat, you've got a really strong rhythm behind this and you can almost tap your foot along when you're reading this because it has such a solid syllable count. Have you ever considered turning this into a song? Because, really, all you need to do is add a tune and some guitar chords and voila, you're a songwriter! Just consider it, because this has the potential to be a really cool song.

My only major criticism of this is the grammar and a few other small nitpicks which I've pointed out below;

Why should you have to deal with there petty needs.

But maybe a though.

But no, it's not there problem.

HELLO! My name is JAY!
ACTIVATE UNICORN POWERS!

Well, well, well... I have to say I enjoyed this poem, I don't really know why but I did.

There are some errors in spelling and punctuation but they are minor and can be easily overlooked, but overall I quiet enjoyed this poem.

I love the beginning
(Distracted was spelled wrong so I changed it in this little quote unquote thingy below)

"Restless soul
Distracted mind...
Always moving,
moving through time."

And close to the end or the actual end:

" Just sitting there.

Just...
Not like everyday.

The man is gone.

No more not.

Forever."

Except the only problem I have with this is that for me, and I can't speak for everyone else but for me it doesn't quiet flow smoothly... but I did love the way you tried to portray this idea across at this last part.

Good Job, I enjoyed it like I said and well yeah... Kk BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

-Jay.xx.