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Roses

by rida


ROSES

Once upon a time,

When the world was still black and white,

A rose was born silver,

With its own light.

~

The rose became known,

And it had soon grown,

Towering above the others,

Yearning to stretch further.
~

It was marveled and envied,

Some called it a weed,

Hoping it would cry and weep.
~

Yet It shone in the moonlight

Every single night,

With a gentle smile on its face,

Not knowing it’s terrible fate.
~

It had glowing petals,

Each one painted with great care,

They were sharp as nettles,

Such that it’s beauty would not be shared,
~

Sadly, it’s life was not very long,

For people wanted it for themselves,

And it was dead at the morning’s gong.
~

But before it died,

It’s root still had some life,

Filled with rage and questions of ‘why?’

They cast a spell into the night.
~

Roses, pearly white,

Now spread across the world in the night,

With sinister, evil intentions,

Demanding attention.
~

The humans, mesmerised by their beauty,

Tried to break it like before,

But the spell had done it’s duty.


The roses had grown thorns,

Sucking in the blood,

And they could no longer be torn,

For the curse is deep inside the mud.


The blood the roses took Overflowed inside Them,

Unable to contain it in the stem.


The petals of the roses were coloured in blood,

This was the fault in the curse running in the mud.


And the curse exists even today,

Searching for a way,

To get revenge on the silver rose.


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Tue Nov 24, 2020 3:05 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hi there Rida!

I saw the description of this poem you put and just had to click it.

The premise of this was really interesting! I think you could do a bit more with attention to form (stanzas, assonance, sound-devices) to make this really polish up. Right now it has some good imagery, but feels like the thought kind of drags on. It seemed like there were some areas where rhyme scheme was attempted and then abandoned, I think being a bit more intentional or letting the rhyme be a bit more loose with a focus on internal rhyme rather than end-of line rhyme will make this piece actually flow and sound better.

When a poem isn't divided into stanzas sometimes it can feel like an overly long run-on sentence. Putting a few breaks in would fix that right up though. There's a few areas where you put "it's" rather than "its" (remember 'it's' -> is a contraction of "it is" and its -> shows ownership). I was a bit confused by why you chose to capitalize "overflowed" and "them" it seemed a bit random.

Overall this has a great contrast between the silver and the red, in a conflict that is quite unique. Your imagery and story telling are great highlights and perfect building blocks of a good poem, a little more attention to flow and sound will really improve this piece.

All the best, never stop writing!

alliyah




rida says...


Thank you for the advice. I tried to break it into stanzas but when I published it, the stanzas broke. I think the rhyming scheme would%u2019ve been better if the stanzas had appeared, as I have put a few 3 line stanzas too. Thank you so much for correcting my mistakes and for the review.



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Sat Nov 07, 2020 5:17 pm
SpunkyMonkey says...



Oh man, I really like this!




rida says...


Thanks!



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Thu Nov 05, 2020 6:30 pm
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LUNARGIRL wrote a review...



Hi, LUNARGIRL here with a review. Feel free to not listen to any of the comments I have, it's totally up to you. Really good job on the poem, tt had a very interesting story and was pretty good.

You had a very interesting concept, it was very unique for an origin story. To sum it up, there was a silver rose, with beautiful and sharp petals, people wanted the rose for themselves, the rose ends up dead, but before it died a curse left its roots, all the roses grew thorns, and would suck the blood, and then all the petals turned red from blood.

Maybe try formatting the poem is an easier way to read. In the beginning and middle it is hard to take in everything because of the format, and it would make it easier for the reader to read it. Also in the beginning you started out rhyming, but then you just stopped.

I wish we found out how the rose died instead of.
"For people wanted it for themselves,
And it was dead at the morning’s gong.
But before it died,"

What were the intentions of the roses after the curse was spread? It never really said what it was.
"Now spread across the world in the night,
With sinister, evil intentions,
Demanding attention."

You had a great use of description throughout the poem, like at this part when you were describing the rose.
"With a gentle smile on its face,
Not knowing it’s terrible fate.
It had glowing petals,
Each one painted with great care,
They were sharp as nettles,"

Overall: You did a great job on this poem, I would have never been able to come up with an origin story half as good as this. You used great description, and you story was great. Can't wait to read what you write next!

Carpe diem,
LUNARGIRL




rida says...


Thank you! This is my first time I am writing a story-poem, so I didn%u2019t know about all that.....



LUNARGIRL says...


No problem, you did a great job!



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Thu Nov 05, 2020 6:16 pm
madeline314159 wrote a review...



Hello! I'm here to review your poem :)

Here are some thoughts I have regarding your poem.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem. It was well done and told a beautiful story. I think if you were trying to improve this, one thing I would look at would be the formatting. It seemed to me that you wrote the first half as one paragraph and then began writing stanzas later. My suggestion would be to go with a regular four line stanza for the whole poem as that would give it a more formal feel and in my experience having a huge block of text to read can feel daunting.

Another thought on your poem would be to try to make sure your poems flows. There were some places it felt slightly choppy and I wasn't quite sure how to read it to bring out the best rhythm in it. In my opinion there is some poetry where the flow matters more than the rhyme. This is up to you stylistically to chose which you care about more, but that is just a suggestion for you to think about.

Overall, I really loved the poem!
I look forward to seeing more of your work!
All the best,

~Madeline




rida says...


I wrote it in stanzas but when I published it, it appeared like this.....



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Thu Nov 05, 2020 5:57 pm
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KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hey there rida, Katja here to review your poem! Please feel free to disregard any and all comments or suggestions I make if you find them to be unhelpful. I haven't written a review in awhile so bear with me!

Overall Thoughts

I really liked this poem and as I was reading it reminded me of a prompt I was given in school awhile back on creating an origin story for something naturally occurring (your idea was way better than mine, just saying). Your concept is definitely interesting and unique. To summarize, the roses were once silver and their petals were shining and sharp, people take notice of this flower and want it, and it ends up dead but the roots release a curse and the roses grow thorns that suck in blood and it overflows to the petals.

Suggestions

Perhaps a more formal format, with the corresponding lines forming stanzas. This would give your poem a tidier appearance and smoother read, but that's strictly my opinion.

Sadly, it’s life was not very long,

For people wanted it for themselves,

And it was dead at the morning’s gong.


In this part, it's not very clear how the rose dies. How did the people wanting it for themselves lead to it's death? It's not necessary to answer everything in poetry, but this one question had me wondering throughout the rest of the poem.

Lastly (and really my only true suggestion) some of the rhymes felt forced and didn't flow super well.
With sinister, evil intentions,

Demanding attention.


This one in particular caught my eye. I would suggest, going forward, focusing on rhymes -when writing poetry that uses rhyming- And really working with them to see how well they flow with your poem and it's meaning/purpose till you get good matches.

That's all I have for suggestions!

Final Thoughts

I really like your poem and how you explained why some roses are red. My favorite part of your poem was...

It had glowing petals,

Each one painted with great care,

They were sharp as nettles,

Such that it’s beauty would not be shared,


This was a very good use of imagery and beautifully done. :D

I look forward to reading more of your work and I hope my review was helpful!

Keep Writing,

~Katja




rida says...


Thank you! I%u2019m really glad you enjoyed my poem! I wrote the poem in stanzas but when I published it, it appeared like this. And I will try to improve this.... But thank you for the review!




A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.
— Paul Simon