Hi there Rida!
I saw the description of this poem you put and just had to click it.
The premise of this was really interesting! I think you could do a bit more with attention to form (stanzas, assonance, sound-devices) to make this really polish up. Right now it has some good imagery, but feels like the thought kind of drags on. It seemed like there were some areas where rhyme scheme was attempted and then abandoned, I think being a bit more intentional or letting the rhyme be a bit more loose with a focus on internal rhyme rather than end-of line rhyme will make this piece actually flow and sound better.
When a poem isn't divided into stanzas sometimes it can feel like an overly long run-on sentence. Putting a few breaks in would fix that right up though. There's a few areas where you put "it's" rather than "its" (remember 'it's' -> is a contraction of "it is" and its -> shows ownership). I was a bit confused by why you chose to capitalize "overflowed" and "them" it seemed a bit random.
Overall this has a great contrast between the silver and the red, in a conflict that is quite unique. Your imagery and story telling are great highlights and perfect building blocks of a good poem, a little more attention to flow and sound will really improve this piece.
All the best, never stop writing!
alliyah
Points: 144550
Reviews: 1227
Donate